Capt. Monkeyshades:  What Happened?
Part 2: The Awful Truth
Now it is my sad duty to tell how this saint, this artist lost his tender life.  Those of us who knew him well understood that his public debauches and self-destructive behaviour had a polar opposite.  This was his sporadic and freakish obsession with health food and exercise.  After months of eating only candy bars and drinking only Wild Turkey bourbon [fig. 1], he would start up as if waking from a dream, and vow to change his injurious ways completely.  This would be followed by out-of-the-way trips [while on tour] to specialty food stores, the purchasing of high-end, bulky and difficult to transport exercise equipment and, while we were trapped on the tour bus, the Captain would launch into many endless sermons on health.
I regret to say that during these bouts of self-righteousness, the Captain was unbearable. I hated him with a passion.  Still, he never committed any sin so great as to warrant his cruel and ironic death.  The awful truth is that on a solo tour in Charleroi, Belgium, the Captain choked to death on vitamin pills [fig. 2] while lecturing his entourage on their eating habits. 
[fig. 1]:  We all thought this would be the death of him!
[fig. 2]:  Oh the humanity!
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