PAIRING : Spike/Willow

RATING : NC17

SPOILERS : none

DISCLAIMER : I do not own these characters. Nor do I own “Bent” (Matchbox20), “Colorblind” (Counting Crows), “Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing” (Aerosmith), “Tonight and For The Rest of My Life” (Nina Gordon).

NOTES & WARNINGS : gang rape and smut at the end

Chapter Four : Bent
Chapter Five :Magic Lies Within
Chapter Six : Baby Steps

4 – Bent

TWO MONTHS LATER

She was about to wake up the second time that night. He knew it. She’d always start thrashing around beforehand. “NO!” She screamed as she bolted upright. He held up his hand, and hers sought it out, as always. She laid back down and he rubbed her  hand as her breathing evened back out and she tried to sleep again.

(Next morning)

She left him asleep in her bed, where he slept every day, while she padded out to the kitchen. She was hungry. He hadn’t come home until late. She had awaken in the middle of the night, and for the first time, he hadn’t been there. She felt him lay down around four in the morning. He hadn’t said anything. And in the past couple months, he hadn’t kissed her forehead like he always had before.

She rubbed her growing belly. The only reason she’d kept the child was because of him. He convinced her to, and she had slowly learned to love it. And she did, because she made her mind think it was his. But he didn’t want this life anymore. She couldn’t let him go, but she didn’t want to keep him where he didn’t want to be. So she had decided, last night when he came in, that she would leave while he was asleep. By the evening he’d be free of her burden.

Two hours later, she looked around. She had everything she needed. One bag of clothes and a few bucks. The rest was his. She placed the note on the counter and walked out.

(That afternoon)

He knew something was wrong when he woke up. She’d usually be sitting reading after her breakfast and shower, but she wasn’t. He couldn’t feel her in the apartment either. Something was wrong. “Willow?” He asked the emptiness of the place. That’s when he noticed her dresser was cleared. He jumped up and opened the closet, her bag was gone and her favorite outfits. “WILLOW?” He ran through the apartment. She was gone. He picked up the note and read it:

Spike~

Thank you for saving my life doesn’t seem good enough, but still, it’ll have to do. I know you don’t want me anymore. You never had to be nice, you could’ve told me. But no matter, I’ve put two and two together, and I’ve gone. Me and this baby are not your responsibility anymore. Thanks for everything. I hope you can find happiness, and to help with that, I’ve included the name of an excellent neurosurgeon. I’m almost certain he’ll be able to help you with the chip. I’ve had it for a  while, but I knew if you got the chip out, you’d leave me, and I didn’t want that. But that’s not what you wanted. So… bye.

~Willow

He sunk to the floor.

ONE WEEK LATER

He’d been searching for her for a week. He’d even called Slutty, but she hadn’t heard from Willow. He’d called the Poof, and came up with nothing there. He’d searched all the hotels he could, and beaten up as many demons as possible, but he couldn’t find her anywhere. He was losing hope.

(That evening)

“ASSHOLE!” The man screamed before landing his fist in Spike’s nose.

“You’ll pay for that!” He growled back. He’d missed all out brawls. This was his fifth bar fight for the week. Being chipless was great! And the brawl went on.

She needed a job. She’d heard this bar was hiring, so she opened the door. The sight that presented itself was a bar fight in which men were being thrown from one side of the room to another. People were standing around the outer limits of the room, holding their drinks, watching the action.

He stopped just as another fist made contact with his stomach. He smelled her. He scanned the room quickly and saw her standing near the door. “FIRE!” He yelled, but she turned and ran. “NO!” He ran after her, and followed her into an alley. “WILLOW!”

She couldn’t run anymore. She was out of breath. She collapsed against the wall, clutching her stomach.

“WILLOW!” He ran up to her and she pushed his hands away from her.

“Don’t.” She said, trying to catch her breath.

“Don’t what?”

“You’re chipless. Don’t pretend to care when you’re gonna rip my throat out.” For the first time he realized something. She knew he was chipless, and she wasn’t afraid. Could it be that perhaps all this time, she hadn’t gotten close because he was a killer? Perhaps it was something else.

“I’m not gonna rip your throat out. I don’t do that anymore.”

“Right… you’re able to go on a killing spree, and you haven’t yet? Don’t lie to me Spike.” She stood up and got ready to leave the alley, before he left her.

He took her arm and saw the look of fear in her eyes. “I’m not going to hurt you Willow. I’m not *them*.”

“No you’re not.” She whispered. “You’re worse.” She started to walk away.

The words hit like a ton of bricks. “If that’s all you think of me, why come to New York with me?”

“All I think about you?” She asked confused. “If what’s all I think of you?”

“That I’m a killer. If that’s all I am, why bother coming? Why bother making me want that baby?” He asked quietly, looking away from her.

“You want the baby?” She asked meekly.

“Yes. I thought it was obvious.” He looked at her, for the first time, trying to come clean.

“It wasn’t.” She looked into his eyes. She walked closer to him. “You’re not a killer to me. You’re my savior.”

“Do you wanna go get some coffee with me?”

“That’d be nice.”

(Later that evening)

She sat, picking at her fries at the pub there were at. “If you don’t like ‘em, we can go somewhere else Luv.”

“No, I like them fine. I’m just not that hungry. I haven’t been.”

“Is something wrong? I know you weren’t eating that much before you left.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Why don’t we just lay everything out on the table.” He suggested.

“Okay. You first.”

“Okay…” he said before spotting the jukebox. “How about I show you?” He got up and went over, selecting a song he’d heard her listen to a lot in the shower. “Will you dance with me?” He put his hand out to her and she took it.

He pulled her close, and buried his nose in her hair. And as the music started, he sang along softly in her ear, “If I fall along the way, pick me up and dust me off. If I get too tired to make it be my breath so I can walk.”

She nestled into his chest as he held her and she sang with him. “If I need some of your love again, give me more than I can stand. When my smile gets old and faded wait around I'll smile again. Shouldn't be so complicated. Just hold me and then, just hold me again.”

//Can you help me I'm bent
I'm so scared that I'll never et put back together
Keep breaking me in and this is how we will live
With you and me bent//

And as the chorus picked up, he looked into her eyes. “I was never going to leave. I wanted to be with you. I didn’t want to scare you. I thought you’d leave if you knew…”

“If I knew what?”

He swallowed, “that I don’t just love the baby. I l… I love *you* Willow. I just didn’t think you’d ever wanna be with me. You’re the reason I stayed in Sunnyhell in the first place.” He looked at her, and was afraid she’d run.

But instead, she looked at him. “If I couldn't sleep could you sleep? Could you paint me better off? Could you sympathize with my needs? I know you think I need a lot. I started out clean but I'm jaded. Just falling. Just breaking the skin.”

//Can you help me I'm bent

I'm so scared that I'll never get put back together

Keep breaking me in and this is how we will live

With you and me bent//

“I can’t be what you need Spike. I can’t give you my body. I want to so bad, but it’s just not something I have to give. But if you start bending me, it's never enough ‘til I feel all your pieces. Start bending me, keep bending me until I'm completely broken in. Shouldn't be so complicated. Just touch me and then just touch me again.”

//Can you help me I'm bent

I'm so scared that I'll never get put back together

Keep breaking me in and this is how we will live

With you and me bent//

“That’s not what I want Willow. I won’t lie. I want to make love to you, but that’s not why I stayed. That’s not why we came here. We came here to start over. We came here so you could feel safe again.”

She put her hand on his cheek, “*you* make me feel safe. Without understanding, Hell, I'll go there again.”

//Can you help me I'm bent
I'm so scared that I'll never get put back together
Yeah, you're breaking me in
And this is how we will live
With you and me bent//

5 – The Magic Lies Within

ONE WEEK LATER

“NOOO!” She screamed into the apartment, and immediately felt his arms around her. She snuggled into them and fell back asleep in the arms of the man, or vampire, she loved.

He wanted her to feel whole again. He was sure if she felt like a person again, she’d finally be okay. And the next morning, he knew how he was going to do that.

(That morning)

“Good morning Luv.” He said as he sat at the table across from her.

“You’re up early.”

“Couldn’t sleep. I’m feelin’ restless.”

“You can do the shopping later.”

“How about you come with me?”

“I don’t wanna go out Spike.”

“I need you to get some supplies though Pet.”

“For what?”

“A spell.” She got quiet and stood up. “Don’t go.” He jumped up and beat her to the door.

“I don’t do that anymore.”

“It’s who you are Willow. When you were doing magic… like that spell with Slutty and me, you loved that. You can’t stand there and tell me you weren’t happy.”

“I was. But it’s not me.”

“Why not?” He challenged.

“I started doing magic when I returned Angel’s soul, so the world wouldn’t be sucked into Hell. I started because Miss. Calendar died and she left all those books behind, and we needed someone who could work spells. I did magic to help save people’s lives. And now I’m not so sure they should be saved.”

“Not all people are bad.”

“Sure they are.”

“That’s not true. There are good people in the world.”

“I’m not so sure. Maybe it’d be better if demons ruled the world. At least you know what to expect.”

He leaned down to her and brushed his lips across hers gently. As he pressed his lips to hers, she wrapped her arms around him and pulled him closer. The kiss was sweet and ended as sweetly as it had begun. “Didn’t expect that, did you?”

She looked up at him and let him go. “I can’t do magic anymore. I don’t believe in it.”

“That’s not true Willow. You do believe in it, you just lost your way.”

“No. It’s not who I am anymore.”

“Then who are you?”

“I don’t know.” She sobbed as he collapsed into his arms. “I just don’t know anymore.”

“I’ll tell you who you are. You’re my Fire Goddess. You’re the reason I’m still in this pathetic little world. And that’s all you have to be for me. But don’t you want something for yourself?”

“What spell?”

“Huh?” He asked.

“What spell did you want me to do?”

“A soul restoration.”

“WHAT?” She asked looking up at him immediately. “Did Angel lose his soul again? Did you talk to Buffy? Is she okay?” She was worried.

“No, it’s not the bloody Poof. It’s for me.”

“For you? I don’t understand.”

“Willow…”

“OH MY GOD!” She squealed.

“What?” He was scared at her outburst. “What’s wrong?”

She grabbed his hand and put it over her stomach. “Do you feel it Spike? Can you feel it? The baby!” She gasped as tears fell down her cheeks. “*Our* baby.”

He looked in her eyes and saw that little spark he remembered. “I feel it.”

“It’s inside me. I can feel her kicking from inside me. My Goddess! It’s so amazing.” He kissed her forehead and picked her up. He carried her to the couch and laid her down, his hand resuming its position on her belly. “Feel it. She’s strong.”

“How do you know it’s a she?”

“I don’t. It’d be nice though, wouldn’t it? A little girl.” He watched as she cried, clutching her stomach.

“She is strong. I can hear her heartbeat. She’s strong. Like you.”

“Like you.” She said to him. He slid in behind her on the couch and held her and their child. “Now what about the spell? Why?”

“I just figure that since it’s a baby, you’d feel better if I had a soul.”

“You do.” She stated.

“No I don’t.”

“Sure you do.”

“No I don’t Willow. Don’t say that.”

“You think you would have saved me twice if you didn’t?”

“I don’t have a bloody soul!” He insisted.

“Didn’t wanna get you mad, I’m just saying… you’ve got soul enough for me. I trust you Spike. I know you won’t the baby, or me. I just know it. You love us.”

“I do. I can’t understand it, but I do.”

“Maybe we’re not supposed to understand.” Their fingers interlocked over her stomach. “Spike?”

“Hmm…”

“I love you.” He froze. She’d never said that before. “Not as a savior, or a protector, but I just love you.”

“I know.”

6 – Baby Steps

TWO MONTHS LATER

The door swung open and she grabbed the towel to quickly cover up. “LOOK AT THIS LUV!” He shouted.

“I’m naked!” She said, protesting the fact that he’d just barged in.

“I’m sorry, but check this out!” He held a small package and handed it to her.

“What is it?” She asked, taking the box. She looked in the box to find a small doll with black hair. “I ask again, what is it Spike? Did you buy it?”

“It came in the mail. It’s a present for the baby.”

“From who? No one knows I’m pregnant.”

“Someone does.” He handed her the card.

Willow opened it and read, “To My Spike and his Little Fire Tree. She will be strong. Love Drusilla.” She looked at him and dropped the towel by accident. She quickly grabbed it.

“It’s not like I’ve never seen a woman naked Luv.”

“But… I feel bad.” She said, turning away from him.

“Why?” He asked, putting his hands on her bare shoulders. She shuddered slightly at his touch, and he smelled the faintest whiff of arousal. It was the first time he’d smelled her sex.

“Because I can’t… I’m sorry. I-”

“Shh… don’t be. It’s okay.”

“No it’s not Spike!” She said, bursting into tears. “I wanna make love to you so bad, but I can’t. Every time I think about it, I get sick inside. I get physically ill, nauseous and dizzy. It’s not okay. I don’t know if it ever will be.”

“I can wait forever for you Luv.”

“It’s not fair to you.”

“Why don’t we start with baby steps Luv? How’s this?” He asked, gently kissing her shoulder blades.

“That’s nice.” She moaned, as, for the first time in months, she felt anything other than ill from the thought of a man.

“How about this?” He whispered against her ear, as he gently nibbled on it.

“Nice.”

“And this?” He asked, sliding his hands up the towel slightly towards her breasts.

“NO!” She said pulling away. She turned away. “Maybe you should just go.” She said as a tear trickled down her face.

“Hey now, don’t be like that Luv. It’s okay. Know your limits. I’ll respect ‘em.”

“It’s not fair to you. I’m defective.”

“No.” He said, turning her towards him. “You’re not. What happened was horrible, and it’s gonna take time. And you just happen to be in luck, because I’m immortal, time isn’t an issue for me.”

“I wanna make love to you so badly Spike and I don’t know if and when I’ll ever be able to.”

“It’s not important. What’s important is this baby, and your mental health.”

She took the card and read it again. “So Drusilla knows? Should we be expecting a visit from her?”

“I don’t think so. I think this was just a gift. She probably had a vision.”

“Do you miss her?”

“Sure, but I’ve got you now. She made her choice, and I made mine. Do you miss the witch?”

“Sometimes. But not often. Not anymore.”

(That evening)

“Coming to bed Luv?”

“So early?” She asked glancing at her watch.

“I’m feelin’ cuddle-ish.”

“Spike…” she started to protest.

“Know your limits. And each and every day we might go a little beyond. Before you know it, we’ll be naked.”

“I love you Spike. You’re amazing.”

“Thank you Luv.” He led her to the bedroom.

“Spike?”

“What?” He asked as he laid down.

“Do you think, I mean… would it be okay if… never mind. Forget it.”

“What? Tell me.”

“It’s just that before, before the rape, I used to sleep sans shirt. And it’s so hot sometimes… would it bother you? I mean, I don’t wanna tease you or be unfair.”

“It’ll be fine.”

“And I thought that perhaps you’d wanna do the same.”

“You just wanna see me without my shirt.” He leered.

“Maybe.” She whispered. “I always thought you were pretty cute. Way better than Angel.”

“Thank you for saying that.”

“For saying the truth? Buffy was a fool, *I* know who the *real* vamp in the family is.”

He sat up and kicked off his boots. “Are you sure this will be okay? All that skin?”

“I’ve been thinking about it all day and I hope so.” She shrugged. “But we have to start somewhere, because I’m not going to live my life afraid anymore. I’m tired of running.” She said stripping herself of her shirt. She wore a simple white cotton bra, but even with that, she was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen.

“Cor you’re beautiful.” He whispered as she climbed into bed.

“Great. Now you.” She said, her fingers reaching to pull his shirt out from his jeans.

“In a hurry are you Luv?”

“I want the goods.” She joked.

“Then you’re going for the wrong half.” He said.

She looked him up and down, “aren’t we being optimistic.” She quipped.

“Now now, throwing insults about something you’ve never seen? Is this the shy little girl I know and love? Or is she getting some of that fire back?”

“Just shut up and take your shirt off. I’m tired.” She yawned as he took it off. His bare chest was pale and muscular. “Can I?” She asked moving her  hand towards him.

“Take what you want Luv.” He gasped as her fingers touch him lightly. She was trembling as she touched him.

She was okay until she broke eye contact with him. She turned away and started crying. “Shh… it’s okay Luv.” He wrapped his arm around her. “Come here. Just sleep. The fire will come back. I promise I’ll be here when that happens. It’s okay.”

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