SERIES : Fire’s Symphony

PAIRING : Spike/Willow

RATING : NC17

SPOILERS : none

DISCLAIMER : I do not own these characters. Nor do I own “Bent” (Matchbox20), “Colorblind” (Counting Crows), “Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing” (Aerosmith), “Tonight and For The Rest of My Life” (Nina Gordon).

NOTES & WARNINGS : gang rape and smut at the end

Chapter One : Not Worth It
Chapter Two : Colorblind Secrets
Chapter Three : Subjective Reality

1 – Not Worth It

Bloody Slayer! He didn’t understand why he even stayed in this Hell! He walked through the cemetery towards his crypt. It was early, but it’s not like he could do anything anymore. He was a bloody creature of the night and he was running home to watch the Tonight Show. Some unlife!

He was interested in the family of Kuwarga demons he’d heard about from one of the fledglings he’d beaten up on his way home. Supposedly they were in town to kill they slayer, which was an event he’d pay bloody good money to see. Perhaps after, he’d be able to get a taste of her blood. Wouldn’t that be nice! It was what dreams were made of. That and the slayer’s friends. He hadn’t minded the dream with demon girl. The one with Xander had been a little disconcerting. But the one with the witches had been nice, course the witches were currently a singular entity. Poor Red. It hadn’t been her fault that her new ‘friend’ had turned out to be a demon after all.

Spike was walking towards his crypt when he heard familiar screams. He ran towards the sound and he smelled blood, which was ordinarily a good thing, but not when accompanied by those screams.

“NO! PLEASE NO!”

“Oh yeah Baby. I’m gonna fuck you.” A strange voice said.

“Willow.” Spike whispered. He ran faster and got to the clearing behind a mausoleum. It was the family of Kuwargas. Spike tried to run to her, but one of the demons caught his arm. “You don’t wanna do that Mate. Just let the girl go.”

“That’s not a possibility, Vampire. Now mind your own business. This is between us and the Slayer.”

Spike threw the first punch, “well she’s not the slayer.” But two of the demons grabbed him and he watched in horror as they ripped the little witch’s skirt off. “NO! LET HER GO OR YOU WILL BE SORRY!”

“That’s not gonna happen. And if you don’t leave well enough alone, you won’t live to see another night.”

Spike’s eyes met the green ones of the woman on the ground. She was begging him. Ordinarily he’d be up for a good rape and pillage, but not of her. For some reason, everything in his body screamed: not of her! He closed his eyes when the human slammed into her tiny body and she screamed. He thrashed around trying to break free, but had no choice other than to watch in horror as the two humans violated her unwilling body.

Spike kept eye contact with her. The tears fell down her cheeks to the ground as her attackers pounded into her. He continued to struggle, but he was not strong enough to fight the four demons restraining him. So he stared into her eyes, trying to reassure her. She cried louder as he smelled the cum of her attacker. “LET HER GO! YOU’VE HAD YOUR FUN!”

“I think we’re just getting started. I’ve got lots of friends.” The head demon said. “But from what I’ve heard of you, you’re harmless to humans, so let him go. Let him get a good view of the whore.” The demon spit on Willow’s face, as the third human mounted her.

The demons released him and the clouds above rumbled. There were three humans and five demons free, and one on Willow. He dove at the one on top of her and as he broke his neck, he braced himself for the inevitable pain that ripped through his skull.  The demons and humans were in a panic now and Spike kept hitting and holding his head as he protected Willow from them. Blood came out of his nose, and gashes on his head. He started coughing up blood as he continued to fight. The pain hurt his head so much; he started crying from the blinding pain searing through his skull.

Suddenly, as if it were a dream, there were no more punches and he stumbled and fell to the ground. He pulled a weeping Willow into his arms and cradled her as the skies opened up and washed away the tears and blood.

He could barely walk his head hurt so bad, but he stood up and carried her to his crypt, furious with the slayer. Was she so careless that she would allow her friends to be out at night without supervision? Was she so careless and self-involved that she’d allow this to happen? And where she? Certainly not patrolling.

He stumbled into his crypt, closed and locked the door behind him. Willow was still crying, and he placed her in his bed. She immediately pulled the covers up around her and closed her eyes. He shed his duster off, and shirt. He was drenched in blood. This was not fun.

She looked up long enough to see the bruises and gashes that covered his body. “Spike?” She whispered.

“What Luv?”

“Would you hold me?” Had he not known she was talking, he wouldn’t have heard her. He’d never seen her that weak before and everything in him cried for her.

“Sure thing.” He laid down next to her on the bed and she trembled in his arms as he pulled her against him. “I’m not hurting you am I?”

“No.” She sobbed into his bare, blood-covered chest.

****

She woke up screaming for the fifth time in a three-hour span. She was crying and he tried his best to console her, but it was no use. Of all the things happening, she should have felt the least comfortable in a demon’s arms, but she felt fairly safe. Spike had protected her. It was his eyes she saw. It was his eyes she’d drowned herself in. But it was them she felt inside her every time she closed her eyes.

He knew she was awake. He felt her when she woke up and he didn’t know what to do other than to hush her. He didn’t want to hurt her, and he didn’t want to touch her wrong. He didn’t want to hurt her. She was the only one of the entire gang that wasn’t mean, or sarcastic. She was the only one worth the air needed to keep alive. He didn’t if he should say anything. He didn’t know if she wanted him to, or what he could say that would make it better.

He recalled days of holding Dru while she bled and healed from Angelus’ beatings. But Dru was a vampire and although she protested, she got off on the pain, as did all vampires. But humans? Not Willow. She didn’t deserve this. She was trembling next to him and he refused to say how much her elbow was hurting him. He’d gotten cut or stabbed where her elbow was resting, but he refused to say anything, he just let it bleed. He barely remembered what had happened during the fight after the first searing pain in his head.

She wouldn’t sleep. She accepted this and slowly pulled herself up. She was sore inside. It hurt worse than the first time. She put a pillow behind her back and leaned against it.

“Luv?” He broke the deadly silence of the crypt, not wanting to, but feeling the need. She said nothing and instead let the silence and peace of surrounding, inescapable death keep the quiet. The only sound in the entire place was her breathing. He looked into her eyes and all he could see was pain. He’d never seen that before. In all the people he’d killed and all the people whose death’s he’d watched, he’d never see such pain before. Her beautiful green eyes used to be radiant and beautiful, and they were no longer. She was no longer that girl. She was different. She’d been a girl that believed in people’s goodness. A girl who thought the ones that would hurt her like that were demons. But she’d just witnessed the true cruelty of humanity, the curse of being human, and it crushed her. It was the realization of the curse that weighed the air in the room. And it was deafening.

“I know why you hate us so much.” She said, finally, breaking his reverie.

“Who’s that Luv?”

“People.”

“Not all people. But most aren’t worth it Willow.”

“Indeed.”

2 – Colorblind Secrets

THREE WEEKS LATER

She held a secret. Nothing had been said to Giles, or Xander, or Buffy. She’d made him promise, and he had, so far, but she was always worried he’d disappoint her. Since the night, he’d knocked on her window every night at midnight to make sure she was okay until she fell asleep. He’d make sure no one entered. She hadn’t even invited him in. She couldn’t trust him, not really. She couldn’t trust him in her home, not yet. She couldn’t trust anyone, but him more so than others. Buffy would blame herself and get angry. And when Buffy found out that Spike can overpower the chip, she’d probably stake him, and Willow couldn’t have that happen. She needed him. Giles wouldn’t be able to do anything for her, and she couldn’t stand being touched by a man, so Xander’s hugs would just hurt. And she didn’t need their pity. So she held a secret.

And she held another. Only the second was a nightmare.

It was almost time to go. Every night for three weeks, he’d get dressed and find his witch. She didn’t know it, but he followed her everywhere in the dark hours. He’d sit outside the magic shop for hours if she was there. And when she left, he’d follow her down the street, and he’d follow her to her house and watch as Xander said goodnight. And then he would knock on the window and she would opened the door. But she wouldn’t let him in. And he hadn’t asked. That was okay if she couldn’t. He didn’t push, and she didn’t either. He’d listen to her breathing as it slowed. She thought he left after she was asleep, and that he didn’t hear her fits of restlessness, whimpers and cries throughout the night. She thought he didn’t hear her sit up screaming. She thought he didn’t know that around two in the morning, the light would turn on. But he did. He’d sit outside the door until the last ten minutes before sunrise.

She didn’t realize he knew she was afraid of her own shadow. She didn’t understand how he could, but he did. He’d watched Dru deal with beatings and rapes, torment and pain for over a century. Only Dru could forgive and deal. She could, and did, accept, but Willow couldn’t. She didn’t know about the evil in people, Dru could see it. She’d seen it for a long time. It destroyed Dru, and he wouldn’t allow the same thing to happen to Willow, so he sat outside her bedroom door all night long.

It was one night, when he knocked on the window, that she didn’t answer him. He’d seen her go in, and he knocked, but she never came. He waited for ten minutes and called through the window, but she never came. Was she okay? Was someone in the house? He walked the perimeter, looking and calling for her, but she never came. He rang the bell and knocked, but she never came. He went back up to her room and broke the glass on her door. “WILLOW!?” He screamed. He was near panic, and as the scent of fresh blood assaulted his nose, he screamed louder. “WILLOW!” He screamed. He wasn’t invited in. He threw the door opened and saw her laying on her bed, blood coming out of her wrists. “WILLOW. Invite me in.”

“It stains.” She whispered, looking up at him.

“Invite me in.” He begged, near tears.

“It doesn’t hurt too much. I always thought it would, but I didn’t cut the right way.”

“Invite me in.” He pleaded. Her eyes were glazed over, as if they were dead.

“Oh, I’m sorry.” She apologized and he watched as she picked up a glass of water from her nightstand and dumped the water on the floor. He watched as she proceeded to let the wound’s blood fill the glass.

“Invite me in Luv.”

She extended her hand as if to give him the glass. “How rude of me, letting all this blood go to waste.”

He took the glass and threw it against the wall and it shattered. “I don’t want your blood. Invite me in. Don’t do this to yourself. You’re so strong, don’t do it.”

“It’s done. It’s over.” She walked back over to the bed and leaned against the headboard. “It’s finally over.”

“Don’t.”

“I can’t not sleep through another night Spike. I can’t be afraid of my own shadow. I can’t walk into the house again and wonder if they’re here to kill me. I can’t walk outside without praying that I’m not grabbed. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t close my eyes again to see them. I can’t take a shower without *feeling* them inside me. I just can’t do it anymore.” She cried as she got weaker.

// I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside//

“It doesn’t have to be that way. You don’t have to be alone.”

“I’m not alone. I have *it*.”

“Have what Luv?”

She closed her eyes. She picked up the knife, already covered in her blood. She stood up wearily and walked to the door. She took his hand, and he wanted to grab her, but he didn’t want to scare her, so he let her do what she needed to do. She put the knife in his hand and positioned the tip at her gut. “Do it.”

“What do you want me to do Willow?”

“Kill it. Kill my baby.”

His eyes filled with horror. She’d never it before in him. She’d never seen him *care*. Even with Dru it always looked empty, jealousy, awe perhaps, but never sheer panic.

“Oh Willow…” Her hands were over his, daring him to drive the blade through her. But he didn’t move, and after at least two minutes, she slowly released her grip on the knife and it fell to the floor. He pulled her into his arms outside and she cried.

“They’re inside me. I can’t get them out. They’re in my head, and my body, and they’ve taken over my being. I can’t get rid of them Spike. They’re everywhere and they won’t leave me alone. I can’t see anything else and I hate it. I hate it… make it stop Spike. Please, make them leave me alone. They haunt my dreams, and follow me everywhere and I can’t make them go away.” She whispered and cried into his chest.

// I am ready I am ready I am ready

I am taffy stuck and tongue tied
Stutter shook and uptight
Pull me out from inside
I am ready I am ready I am ready
I am fine//

She never saw the tears freely falling onto her hair from the vampire’s eyes. In three weeks of watching her, he’d come to care for her. The first human he’d ever given a damn about. “I can’t make it stop Luv. I don’t know how.”

She cried harder. “Please… make the pain go away.”

“I can’t Luv, I’m sorry.” She looked up at him and saw his eyes. “I wish I could. I’d do anything to stop it. I’d walk through fire to stop it. I’d look directly at the sun. But nothing can stop it.”

“Please… I am covered in skin. No one gets to come in. I can’t let anyone. Pull me out from inside. I am folded and unfolded and unfolding I am colorblind. I can’t see anything but what they let me see.”

“We need to stop the bleeding, your hearts slowing down Luv. Let me help me.”

She nodded, “Come in.” She whispered, almost inaudible to hear it. He looked into her eyes. She was putting all her trust in him by inviting him in. He could see the fear in her eyes, he could smell it in the room. He would not disappoint her. He couldn’t.

He went into her bathroom and grabbed some washcloths. He tied them around her wrist and applied pressure to the wounds. “Can you make it stop? PLEASE.” She pleaded with him.

“I can’t. I wish I could.”

“I close my eyes and see them. I can hear them laughing and calling me a whore. Am I?” She asked meekly.

“No.” He stated firmly. “You did nothing wrong Pet. *They* did. I wish I woulda been able to hurt them more than I did. They deserved worse. I coulda been creative with them.”

“I can feel them inside me, and it burns me. I can feel them on top of me. I can’t see beyond it Spike.”

“YES. Yes you can.” He said taking her face in his hands. His thumb smoothed away a few tears. “You did. You saw me. Don’t look at them Luv. Look at me. Look at me when you close your eyes. I won’t hurt you., when you go to sleep, you look at *my* eyes.” She nodded. “I can’t make it stop, but I can make it better.”

“I wanna be better. I wanna make the pain go away.”

“How do you know for sure about the baby?”

“I know. I took a test. I can’t do it, I can’t raise their baby. I can’t look at it every day knowing how I got it. Knowing what happened. I can’t look in my child’s eyes and see theirs.”

“Then see mine.” He whispered. It was he that looked away this time.

“What?” She asked, putting her hands on his face.

“Don’t see theirs. See someone else’s. See mine.”

“What are you saying Spike?”

“I’m saying that it’s not their baby. Don’t see them. It’s *your* child Willow, don’t let it be theirs. Pretend it’s someone else’s. Pretend it’s dogboy’s, or Xander’s.”

“Or yours?” She asked, and for the first time in three weeks, she was hopeful.

“Or mine.” He whispered.

She cracked a smile, and it felt good. “I can’t picture you with a baby.”

“I was human once, I held babies.”

“Oh really?” She challenged.

“Yes, I had two older sisters you know. They had babies. I had five nieces and nephews.”

“What happened to them?” He was just quiet. “I don’t wanna die Spike. I just don’t wanna feel this way. How am I suppose to explain this to everyone after this long? I don’t want their pity.”

“Then let’s leave.”

“What?”

“Let’s go somewhere else. I’ll protect you Willow. I’ll protect you the best I know how.” He swore to her.

“I believe you William.” She said softly, not breaking eye contact with him.

//I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready I am ready I am ready
I am fine//

3 – Subjective Reality

TWO MONTHS LATER

She sat watching him, as she often did.  He was now reading, or trying to read, the newspaper. “Bloody Hell!” He exclaimed, throwing the thing across the room.

“What now?”

“No war. No fights. No riots. No strikes. No chaos of any kind. This bloody city is boring.”

“It’s New York City. It’s not boring.”

“Sure it is. It used to be fun, now it’s not.”

“What used to be fun about it?” She asked drinking down more milk. The doctor said it was imperative that she drink milk during her pregnancy.

“For starters, most demons have left. I can’t even find a decent pub that serves vampires, let alone blood. Less than thirty years ago, I killed my second slayer here, and now? I’m pitiful.”

“I’m sorry Spike. I can imagine how tough it must be.”  She never wanted to encourage him to think about it. She didn’t want him to realize he was sick of playing housevamp and leave her. They’d moved to New York in order to get away from California. They’d chosen it for it’s supposed demon population and the fact that Spike was hoping to find a doctor to undo the chip. She feared that the most. Every night she would lay awake in bed, scared to close her eyes. The nightmares were lessening though, she usually would only have two a night, instead of the five or six from before. When she woke up crying or upset, he would be right there. He’d tell her about China or London and the wonderful things to see and do. He’d tell her about Paris or Prague and a cute little pub he’d been in.

Willow would listen to him recount memories from his childhood growing up in London, or a time when he and Drusilla went to the theatre. She didn’t mind hearing him talk about killing, or blood, she liked hearing his voice. It calmed her so she was able to sleep again. He’d just lay next to her and talk. About what it didn’t matter, whether she’d heard it before, or it was a complete lie that never happened, she didn’t care.

“Luv?”

“Hmm…” she blinked and looked at him. “Sorry, I was just thinking.”

“Bout what? Me, I hope.”

“Don’t flatter yourself Spike.” She stood up and he followed her into the kitchen. “Are you going out tonight?”

“Do you want me to?” He asked as he leaned against the counter next to the sink where she started on the dishes.

“Where am I the determining factor for anything you do?”

“You *know* that’s not true Pet. You’re the fire that keeps me coming back.”

“Oh really?” She smiled. He always told her she was his fire and it was nice to be that, if only in his eyes. But she knew the truth. What she’d had once, she lost. She hadn’t opened a spell book in three months. She couldn’t. Everything she was and believed in had been destroyed and there was no reason for magic. Her Goddess had left her. Her God didn’t care.

Spike knew she didn’t believe it. When she’d packed up her stuff, she’d thrown all her magical supplies away. He’d walked with her as she carried them all downstairs to put in the garbage cans behind her house. She’d taken every candle, every spell book, every incense stick and crystal. What she didn’t know was that after she’d fallen asleep, he’d gone back and gathered the trunk of stuff. He’d stuck it in the trunk of his car, where it still was. He hadn’t brought it up, and she hadn’t mentioned any regrets of it.

Ever since they’d driven out, they’d led a pretty unhellmouthy life, except for the fact that he was a vampire. He promised he would take care of her, and he did. He was doing just that. There was a demon that lived in the city that owed him some money, and Spike had collected on it, and found a nice apartment building in the process. The landlord was half-demon of some kind and the place was nice. The other five apartments had demons and the like living in them. Willow was the only real human, but the other breeds were peaceful. So they were living in a rather nice building near Greenich Village. She’d pretty much stayed inside most days. He tried to get her out of the house, but except for the doctors appointments and shopping, she’d been inside.

“So are you going out later?” She asked, hoping beyond all hope he’d say no.

“I was thinkin’ about it, but I don’t know yet. Why?”

“Just because you said the other night that you might meet what’s-her-face tonight.”

“Her name is Abby.”

“Right.” She couldn’t look at him. She didn’t want him to see she didn’t want him to go. Abby was a half-demon. She lived a few blocks down, and Spike and her had met in a bar. She was a Kanu demon, and was pretty as half-demons went. Her hair was purple, by choice, and she wore nothing but leather and silk. Spike never said it, but Willow knew he liked the leather. *If only he coulda seen my vamp-self.* She thought.

“What’s wrong?” He asked. Whenever they talked about Abby, she got quieter than normal.

“Nothing.”

“Tell me.” He insisted. It was moments like these, when he thought that perhaps she liked him, as more than just a vampire. As more than just a former-big-bad. As more than just a protector. He only dreamed that she would one day look at him as something other than a killer. But he wouldn’t get his hopes up.

“It’s nothing. It’s just that sometimes when I’m alone, *most* times when I’m alone, it’s… I’m scared.”

“Then I won’t go out.”

“I don’t want you to feel you have to stay.” She tried to bite back the tears that came in making that statement. But she very much wanted him to stay, but she couldn’t give him what he needed. “I’m not your responsibility. This baby isn’t your obligation. I don’t want you to feel…”

He put his finger to her lips, to quiet her, and he thought that she almost kissed it, but then he remembered the truth. He was a vampire and she was a Goddess, and no amount of hugging or talking would change that. He was beneath her. “I’m not here because I feel obligated Fire. I’m here because I want to be.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t.”

“Maybe.” He shrugged, “but here I am.”

She put the cloth down and sat at the table. “Alls I’m saying is that maybe you should network. You should meet other demons or other vampires. You could find some cute little girl, or guy if you prefer, and travel. It must get pretty boring sitting around watching me run from the shadows.”

“I’ve traveled Luv. It’s fun, but you never know where you’re gonna be. Plus it’s no fun not leaving chaos and mayhem behind. What’s the point without it? Sides,” he sat next to her, inches away, “it’s fun here.” He put his hand on her forearm and she didn’t jerk away. Two weeks ago, she did. It was progress. “AND I get to be a Daddy.”

“I can’t picture you changing diapers.”

“I won’t. I’ll bathe, I’ll feed, and I’ll patch the kid up if he’s hurt, but I won’t change diapers.”

“Oh come on, compared to killing slayers and the like, diapers’ll be a piece of cake.”

“Forget it.” He said.

She stood up and laughed, “then forget you. Of what use are you?”

“None.” He said softly.

She immediately spun around and put on her resolve face. “That’s not true. Without you, I’d probably be a vampire, or demon, or worse. I could have died. You saved my life, twice.”

“But I’m not supposed to save lives Willow. I’m supposed to take ‘em. That’s what I do, or did. It’s the whole point of being a vampire, and I can’t even defend myself, let alone you.”

“You got passed the chip once before, maybe you can overpower it more. You should exercise it. If you use it too much, maybe it’ll create a shortage and burn it out.”

“What if we did a spell? That little tracer they had in back stopped working, you remember that? Maybe we could do that permanently.”

She was horrified. She quickly turned away. “We can look into it.” She whispered as she went quickly to her room and closed the door.

She was afraid he’d kill her. She could never move beyond the fact that he was a killer. At least he knew. He knocked on her door, “I’m going out for a while.” And he left.

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