SERIES : the Correspondences
PAIRING : Buffy/Angel
RATING : PG14
SPOILERS : I Will Remember You
DISCLAIMER : I do not own these characters.
Nor do I own “again” (Janet Jackson), “the Dance” (Garth Brooks), “She’s Every
Woman” (Garth Brooks), “Wild Horses” (Wild Horses).
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PROLOGUE
My Dearest Sweet
Angel-
Why did you leave me? Why after
everything we decided, did you have to be all noble? Dying so others can live,
you are truly and inspiration to me. I feel so empty, I am lost without you and
not even a day has passed. Never again will I be in your arms where I belong,
nor will I see your beautiful face looking at me, you are now truly an Angel, my
love. I wanted so badly to live my life with you, too much perhaps. I wanted to
feel you close to me, inside me taking my heat, I wanted to make you warm. I
wanted to wipe away the memories that plague your soul. I simply wanted to love
you as much as you always loved me.
They say time can heal all wounds,
but this is one that will never heal, can never heal. You have taken with you a
piece of my heart and I will never be whole again. Any hope or happiness that I
wanted, I wanted with you, any I deserved, I deserved with you. Now, it is gone
forever and I cannot go on. You must forgive me for what I have to do. You must
forgive me my one weakness and let me indulge myself, so I can join you in
heaven, for angels always go to heaven. I cannot live without you near, I
cannot go on knowing you are not laughing somewhere, knowing what we almost
had, what we almost found. Please forgive me. It was never my intent to
disappoint you or make you doubt my love for you. I love you, I always have, I
always will, nothing can or will ever change that.
Eternally
yours,
Buffy
1
FIVE YEARS AFTER HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION
He
couldn’t believe it had been five years. Five years since he had left her. Five
years since he had walked away from the only girl he’d ever love. The only girl
that would ever love him. He had convinced himself it was for the best. It had been four and half years since they
had not shared one special day, in which he had reveled in her body, worshipped
it even, and had been able to worship her for what she was, his goddess. It had
been four years since they had parted as friends, and he had beat up her new
boyfriend. Four years since he wanted to tear him apart for being able to be
with her, while he couldn’t. He wanted her to be happy, really he did, but he
wanted her to be happy with him, no one else, but he had made sure that
wouldn’t happen. He had left.
It
had only been two years since he had come across the knowledge that his soul
was permanently his and that he couldn’t lose it. He had earned that right, in
his fight against evil, a gift from the Powers that Be. What they didn’t
understand was that such a gift was useless.
So
it had been five years, since he had marker her as his, and seven years since
he had put the ring on her finger. He wondered if she still put it on from time
to time. He touched his own. He would never belong to anyone else, ever again.
She
looked out the window. Her second graduation had come and gone and she now
thinking about her twenty-third birthday, one that would bring a surprise, she
was sure. She sat in the car, next to her mother because she was moving home
for a while. She had wanted to move in with him, but decided to wait for a
while, that was best.
Her
mother pulled in to the driveway and Buffy Summers got out and went inside. She
walked up the stairs that she had once walked sad, and once happy, once with
company, and once alone. She had walked them so many times, but they all seemed
to fit in one of the four categories. Now she walked them indifferent.
She
opened the door and put her bag down. She hadn’t been home in a year, she had
moved to an apartment after graduation, but now she was back. She felt like a
teenager once again, which was an awkward feeling. She began to unpack her
belongings. She opened her nightstand drawer to put her book in, Romeo and
Juliet. She moved a piece of paper out of the way, to reveal a tiny silver
ring. She took it out and placed it on her finger and began to cry.
2
TWO WEEKS LATER
“Buffy...
I love you so much. You are my life, everything good in it and everything
perfect. Will you marry me? Will you give me the greatest honor of all, and
become my wife?” He opened a small box, revealing a small gold diamond ring. He
took it out and placed it on her finger.
“Oh
Riley... of course I will.” Had she just said that? The words escaped her. She
knew this was the smart thing to do. He loved her, treated her right, and
helped her anyway he could. He would make a fine husband. Still, she felt this
nagging feeling in her gut, one that was screaming at her to run as fast as she
could.
“Angel?”
“Hmm?
What?”
“Where
were you?” Cordelia asked, sitting on his desk in front of him.
“Nowhere.”
“You
weren’t here.”
“I
just, had this feeling, like something was happening that was just wrong.”
“Listen,
you and I both know that bad things are happening all the time, and if it was
really wrong, I’d get a vision or some demon would crash through the window.”
He
put his head down on her leg and she ran her fingers through his hair.
“Will?”
“Yeah
Buffy, what’s so important that you had to wake me up?”
“Well,
I just wanted to say that Riley and I are going to get married.”
“WHAT?”
Willow screamed, she was stunned. She had liked Riley, but she never thought
Buffy would actually go through with this. “YOU’RE WHAT?”
“We’re
getting married.”
TWO DAYS LATER
“HAPPY
BIRTHDAY BUFFY!”
“Thanks
Mom. I must say 23, doesn’t feel any different from 22, just another number.”
“It’s
sad but true Buffy, that’s what happens as you grow older.”
“How
depressing!” She sat down on the kitchen table. “Thanks for letting me sleep
late. Patrolling was a killer last night. What’s up with the rash of demon
kind, there have been more of them lately.”
“I
don’t know, talk to Mr. Giles about it.”
“I
will. As soon as I eat and shower.”
“Oh,
I almost forgot, this letter came for you today, I think it’s from your father,
probably a check and birthday card.”
“Thanks
Mom.” She grabbed it. “I’m going upstairs to shower, I’ll read it up there.
Probably just some lame excuse why he didn’t call last week when he said he
would.” She bolted up the stairs. She did, she felt just like a teenager, with
baggage and lots of it.
It
had been six years since she had unleashed a demon onto the Earth, and killed
any chance she had at love. It was silly to think of it that way because there
was never really a chance. And she had Riley now and she loved him. She really
did. He was so kind and gentle, and he loved her, and he was stable and in
complete possession of his soul, which in her experience was always a plus.
She
sat down on her bed and began to open the card. It was definitely not from her
father. She began crying as she read.
He
hadn’t been sure whether to send her a card, but it was her birthday. He
realized it was out of the blue, he had wanted so many times to call her, or
write, but chickened out and threw the letters in a box under the bed. The same
bed in which he had made love to her. The same bed that had seen her so happy.
He had sent the letter, not expecting anything, not wanting anything, just for
her to know that he would never forget her.
3
THREE DAYS LATER
She
couldn’t help it. She sat at her desk once more and took the letter out. She had
read it so many times in the past three days that she had it memorized. She
stroked the letters gently, strong pen strokes, beautiful writing, old
fashioned. The letter was accompanied by a drawing of her, in a beautiful
wedding dress. She could see the passion he included in the picture. She could
tell he was still very much in love with her, as she was with him. The picture
looked so full of life, it looked like her. Her eyes read over the words once
more.
My love-
I was unsure if I should send this.
I’ve written so many letters that never made it into your hands. So many that
sit in a box under the bed, waiting to be seen, waiting to spill myself to you,
but still they wait.
I didn’t want to write another
letter without purpose, to do so would be foolish at best and I feel I am
already treading on thin ice. Nor did I want to disrupt your life in anyway,
but just wanted to wish you a happy birthday, and to let you know that I still
think of you.
Now that I actually sit here, with
the pen to the paper, the words escape me. So many things lay between us now,
most bad, some good, but mainly time. It is the good, however, that gets me
through everyday. It is the good that makes me get up in the morning. It makes
me feel complete when I think of you. Makes me feel alive, for once, instead of
the complete deadness of reality. Although I have died twice in my time on
Earth, once when I became what I am, and twice, when I walked away from you. I
don’t know if I will ever feel that whole ever again. I couldn’t possibly.
Again, I don’t know if I am out of
line in this letter, I fear I am. I feel there are so many things left unsaid,
and it plagues my soul, and I often wonder if it plagues you just as much. For
it was never my intention to hurt you as much as I did. Nor was it my intention
to ever let my love for you carry us as far as it did. What happened was never
your fault; it was mine, for wanting what I don’t deserve. For thinking that I
could be happy, and that we somehow could be together, for you were always out
of my league.
But it did proceed past the point of
no return, and we both suffered, as did others. Giles will suffer eternally, as
will others that became indirect victims of the demon that stirs within. I
sometimes wish I would just succumb to him and let him take over my body. Or
let my legs carry me outside, so I can see the sun once more. I try to force my
legs out the door, but I can never do it. I don’t want to disappoint you. I
don’t want to give up, when you cannot so easily.
I never told you of a dream I had,
among many untold dreams. You had been trying to make plans for the prom and I
was sleeping. I dreamt we were in church, an odd place to find myself, and we
were standing at the altar. We kissed ever so gently, and we walked toward the
door into the light. It hurt my eyes it was so bright. I had not seen a light
so bright in 240 years. I turned to see you. You whispered my name as you burst
into flames and disintegrated in front of my eyes. Buffy, that scared me more
than anything in Hell ever did. I think it was telling me something that it
could never be. That is when I began thinking of your future. Burned in my
memory is how beautiful you were, looking into my eyes, becoming my wife. Never
was there a more beautiful or radiant bride, than you.
I know you hated that I took away
the choice, but you wouldn’t have chose the life you deserve. You wanted your
life with me. I have not told many lies to you Buffy, but I lied when I said I
didn’t want your life to be with me, because this is the only thing I wanted.
Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. Want cannot change things for anyone. I
tried to make it change things, but it never does, it can’t.
I don’t know if this makes sense.
I’ve written so many different versions of the same and never has the finished
product gotten my approval. Something so trivial, impersonal, things that I
can’t say to you, things I have a hard time admitting to myself. And now I feel
that wishing you a happy birthday seems trite at best, and very insensitive
considering the tone of the letter, and the contents of it, if it ever makes it
to your delicate hands.
Never was it my intention to cause
you the pain I have, and never was the purpose of this letter to do likewise. I
hope this finds you happy, no matter how much I wish you aren’t, I hope you
are, that was my wish all along and if it can’t be I, I’d like it to be someone
else special. I hope you have him, and that he makes you truly happy. Happy
twenty-third Birthday Buffy, my darling, my love, my life. I will carry you
with me always, as I have a part of your life, your warmth inside me. Please
forgive me for indulging my weakness if this is indeed grazed by your eyes.
Eternally
yours,
Angel