SERIES : the Correspondences
PAIRING : Buffy/Angel
RATING : PG14
SPOILERS : I Will Remember You
DISCLAIMER : I do not own these characters.
Nor do I own “again” (Janet Jackson), “the Dance” (Garth Brooks), “She’s Every
Woman” (Garth Brooks), “Wild Horses” (Wild Horses).
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4
ONE DAY LATER
“Why
was I so stupid Cordelia?”
“Angel,
there’s nothing you can do about it now, no regrets. You did it and you can’t
change that now. Let’s just go find some demon, I’ll drive.”
“Why
do you put up with me?”
“Who
else would let me take office money to Bloomingdales?” She laughed. “Because I
was always a sucker for the brooding type, and you’ve got was good taste in
clothes.”
“Cordelia...”
“Because
you’re my friend Angel, my best friend. I’ve never had a friend who loves me
unconditionally, and who will put up with my poor-me mood swings, or my whining
about my money woes, or who will tolerate my brutal honest truth. You’re a good
person Angel, I mean that, you’re not a vampire to me, you’re my best friend
Angel, who I love and trust with my life. Now let’s go...”
She
hadn’t spoken a word about the letter to anyone, not even her mother, not
Willow, no one, certainly not Riley. What could she say? She thought she had
moved on, but now, what had changed? Nothing. She just felt compelled to do
something about it. She had no idea what. She tried to pick up the phone, but
she couldn’t bring herself to dial the number. She tried buying a ticket to LA,
but she choked. She had so many mixed feelings. She had spent the last few days
walking and fighting and thinking.
TWO DAYS LATER
“So
Buffy, when should we do it?”
“Huh?
Do what Riley?”
“Get
married of course, we’ve been together four years, we’re engaged. Engaged couples
pick dates, when should we get married Buffy?” Riley asked, taking her hand.
“I
don’t know, let’s not talk about it right now.”
“Buffy,
I don’t want to push but you’ve been distant the past week, is everything okay?
Is it the engagement?”
“Riley,
I just don’t... I don’t want to rush into picking a date, we’ve only been
engaged a week, less than, we don’t have to have the whole thing planned by
next week.”
“That’s
not it. Tell me. You can tell me anything Buffy.”
“It’s
personal. I feel that I rushed into saying yes.”
“Okay.
What do you want to say, no?”
“Will
you take a ‘let me think about it’? Or a maybe?”
“I’d
rather have a maybe, than a no.”
“Then,
why don’t we leave it at, maybe.”
“Maybe
it is. Buffy, is there anything else?”
“No,
what would it be?”
“Him.”
“Riley,
this is just me, I’m twenty-three, I don’t know why I’m freaking so much, maybe
because I’m a slayer and we don’t tend to live past twenty-five, why would I
want to get married, if I’m going to die in two years. I don’t know... I just
need some time. Can you give me that?”
“Yes,
of course.”
“Good,
then I’m going to go patrol.”
“Want
help?”
“I
got it, thanks.” She gave him a quick kiss and left.
She
walked down the street; it was fairly early demon time. She headed toward the
cemetery, like any good Slayer would do. She suddenly felt such a pain, like
something was suddenly there, that hadn’t been. It knocked her balance off and
she fell to her knees. She felt him inside her. She looked around, but didn’t
see him.
He
didn’t know why he went. He saw her, looking for him. He wanted to go to her,
he tried to force his legs to take him to her, but they wouldn’t, instead they
carried him away.
She
thought she heard something move, but she couldn’t force her legs to carry her
after it, nor could she force a sound out of her mouth. She had only to stay
there on her knees. Some twenty minutes later, she was able to lift herself up
and they carried her home. She was ready now. She sat at her desk with the pen
and paper. She caressed the picture and wrote into the wee hours of the
morning.
5
THREE DAYS LATER
“Morning
sleepyhead.” Cordelia said as Angel came up from below. “You’re up early.”
“I
thought I’d get a head start on the day. This whole nocturnal thing is getting
old and annoying.”
“Um,
Angel, I have something to tell you, that you’re not going to like.”
“What
is it? Are you okay?”
“Yes,
I’m fine, but...”
“Just
say it Cordy.”
“Sit
down.” He sat on the couch and she sat next to him. She took his hands in hers.
“Angel, I just got an email from Willow, and I don’t know....”
“What’s
wrong? Is Buffy...”
“Buffy
is fine Angel, it’s just that she’s...”
“What?
JUST TELL ME!”
“She’s
engaged.”
She
lay down in the bed, next to her lover. “What are you thinking about?”
“Do
you think I was right sending an email to Cordelia? I mean, I know you haven’t
met Angel or Cordelia, but do you think I should have?”
“Willow,
you did what you thought should be done and from what you’ve told me, he should
know. Better to hear it from a friend, than through the grapevines.”
“I
guess. Thanks Tara.”
“You’re
welcome.”
“She’s
what?”
“She’s
engaged. He proposed on her birthday. Willow emailed me and I’ve been debating
whether to tell you or not, but I thought you should know.”
“Who?”
“What?”
“Who
is it?”
“Riley.
They’ve been together for four years and since she graduated now, it’s the next
step really. Are you okay?”
“I’m
fine. I’m going back to bed.”
“Okay.
Oh, take the mail with you.” He grabbed it on his way down.
He
was stunned. He shouldn’t be. It was just three days ago that he had seen her,
and she had been engaged then. He was glad he hadn’t seen her, but she had
known and he hadn’t wanted to hurt her again, but now he had.
He
flipped through the mail and one caught his attention. He pulled it out of the
stack; it was doused in her aroma. He opened it to find a picture of her in her
graduation cap and gown. He sat on the bed and read the letter enclosed.
My dearest Angel-
You never got to see me in my
graduation outfit; high school graduation was certainly messed up. College
graduation was much less Hellmouthy. I got your letter on my birthday, a lot
happened to me on my birthday this year, every year really. I am engaged now
Angel, to Riley.
My life has moved on.
What Riley and I share is different. It’s not what we had; it’s older, less
dyer, less serious. It’s light, we go on picnics, we went to the beach for
spring break last year. I’ve never doubted his love for me Angel; I never had a
reason. He is good to me, he cares for me, he loves me. He gives me everything
you wanted for me.
When he asked, I said
yes. Though now I am not so sure. You never gave me the choice Angel. I know I
was young then, but time and time again, you take away the decision. You talk
as if you regret loving me, or having me love you. Angel, bad things happened
but I would rather live my entire life miserable never feeling you inside me
again, than live never having felt you all. You were my light Angel. You wanted
me to have something out of demons and darkness, but never saw that you were
it. You wanted me to have someone who could take me into the light, but with
you I was always there. You wanted someone to make love to me, but I wanted
someone to make me love. You did that.
True, things got out of control, but
I carry the good memories with me as well. They help me move on, they have
helped me keep my sanity when my world was falling apart, metaphorically or
literally. I too have thought about giving up in a fight and fulfilling the
slayer’s prophecy of dying too young. If I were gone, some other slayer would
take over, but I wouldn’t wish this loneliness on anyone. Everyone said we were
so different, from two different times, two different worlds, but we were
always just one in the same. Two lonely hearts, two soulmates, looking for each
other, separated by time, the demon inside you gave us a way to find each
other.
I can never understand the depth to
which your soul is plagued. I cannot even begin to imagine living with the
memories and faces of all the things you’ve done, I never tried. I couldn’t
have tried and perhaps that was part of the problem. But perhaps the problem
was not in the fact that you are a vampire and I am the Slayer, but in the fact
that I was but a child, and you, a man. Parts of me yearn to be that young
again, to feel your strength above me, to be that close to you once more, to yield
my body to you, to give of myself freely, and surrender to your knowing hands.
Parts of me wish we could be once more, if only for a day, twenty-fours hours,
what I wouldn’t give for that chance. I would surely lay down my life for it
Angel.
I too have a box full of letters,
mere words on paper, that never seem to completely express my feelings. I have
tried dialing the number so many times, but failed, and I have often tried to
imagine what you are doing at a particular moment. I have tried to move on, and
I think that in certain aspects I have, but in others I have not. I grew up. I
grew into my own skin, into my own thoughts. I am no longer a child, I am a
woman, an adult. I am still searching for that great happiness that was
promised to me as a child. I am searching for my handsome prince that will
whisk me away on a horse.
As a child, I always pretended to be
a princess in a tower that was being held captive by a mean witch. I always
imagined some tall dark and handsome prince coming to my rescue and taking me
away from her. Of course, I was only seven, so I didn’t really know what would
happen once the prince and princess got home. I never really thought that stuff
through, what happened afterwards? Where was the happily ever after? What did
it entail?
I have grown up, and changed, as I’m
sure you have. We no longer know each other, we go on without. But I still know
your soul Angel. I felt you the other night, I knew you were there, watching
me. It is such a powerful feeling inside me, the magic we share. I fear that my
prince has come and gone and we never got to have our happily ever after.
Perhaps my greatest fear is that I will never again find a love as fulfilling
and intense as the one we shared. I fear living my life never feeling complete,
never feeling completely alive, because a piece of me is just as dead as you.
You needn’t ever be afraid to
interrupt my life. You have always been the best interruption and I feel a
little relief having gotten some of these things off my chest. Having read some
things, I needed to know. I’ve read your letter at least one hundred times so
far, I’ve got it memorized, burned into memory. I’ll never forget what we
shared, I could never forget. It runs like a river in my veins, something
missing, an ache that is relentless and ferocious, a thirst that will only be
quenched when our bodies meet once more. When I can feel you and not fear, when
I can touch you and have you touch me back. I will be forever waiting for you
my handsome prince. For fate is not that that cruel to make you atone for your
crimes only to never see me again. I will be waiting for the day when my
happily ever after comes. Until we meet again my love, until we meet again!
Eternally
yours,
Buffy
6
ONE DAY LATER
“Willow?”
“What’s
up Buffy?”
“You
think it would be bad form to break up with Riley?”
“WHAT?
Buffy, you just accepted his proposal, you can’t break up with him.”
“Why
not?” She asked her most trusted friend.
“Why
not? Because, that’s why. I don’t know why, why do you want to?”
“Will,
I feel like I rushed, and if I am going to get married, I don’t want to settle
for second best, I want to find someone who loves me as much I love him, and I
don’t think this is it.”
“Buffy,
I’m going to say this for your own good and you need to listen, okay?”
“Okay.”
“It’s
been five years Buffy. If you’re waiting for Angel to change his mind and come
running back, it’s not going to happen. You can’t be together and he knows
that, and deep inside you know that too. There is no way to change that, you
have to move on and I thought you had. Riley loves you and I believe you know
in your heart what to do. Listen.”
“Willow,
this has nothing to do with Angel. This has to do with me. I know I can’t have
Angel, I got that, but why should I settle for the first guy I met? How do I
know there isn’t something better out there? Don’t I owe it to myself to find
out?”
“I
guess. What are you going to say to Riley?”
“I
don’t know Will, I don’t know. Maybe I just need some time. I’ll ask him for
some time. Put the engagement on hold for a while, I don’t know.”
“I’ll
be behind you whatever you decide Buffy, know that.”
“I
do.”
“How’d
patrolling go?”
“So
many demons, six last night, and three vampires. What’s going on?”
“What
did Giles say?”
“He
said he was looking into it. But I’m going to get going, Riley and I are
meeting and I want to talk to him.”
“Later
Buffy.”
“Bye
Will, thanks.”
TWO DAYS LATER
She
got home late; there was another letter on her desk. She was eager to read it,
although she hadn’t been expecting a response from him.
My love-
I can remember one night; I must
have been seven or eight, when my mother was putting me to sleep. I asked her
why she put up with my father. I was young, but I knew what went on, how he hit
her, how he yelled at her, and she told me that she loved him. I asked her this
several times throughout my life and always got the same answer. I often wonder
if she felt she had a duty to love him and was too scared to move on or if she
truly did love him. I think sometimes we, people, get confused with what they
feel inside and they think should be.
I never wanted you to doubt my love
for you Buffy. I’m sorry if for one second you did. Everything I did, I did it
for you. Right or wrong, I wanted you to have something I didn’t, a normal
life, happiness, and a world without having to worry about demons. This world
may only be inside your bedroom with him, but at least you have something. Even
when we were alone Buffy, a demon was watching you, and you shouldn’t have to
live like that.
Perhaps I was being too selfish. I
didn’t want to watch you die, since inevitably that’s what would happen,
whether it be in four years or forty. I have seen and been the cause of many
deaths and still I cannot imagine watching the love of my life die. I have had
limited experience with love and friendship, I finally now have felt both. My
love for you, and my friendship with Cordelia, Doyle and Wesley. I had to watch
Doyle die, he died, so I could live and there has not been a day that goes by
we don’t think of him. That was painful enough, but you would think after all
the death I’ve caused, one more wouldn’t hurt so much. I can’t even imagine
what losing you would feel like, surely it will kill me, or give me the
strength the walk into the sun.
It killed me a thousand times over
to leave you Buffy. It still kills me, and there will always be a place for you
in my heart, please don’t ever doubt that, for without you, my heart is empty,
my soul, my redemption have no meaning. Your love is what makes me worthy,
without it there would be no point to me. Everything about me is so completely
you, and without that I am lost, but this is what I wanted. So please, be
married, have children, be happy and know what we have both sacrificed for it.
Eternally
yours,
Angel
7
THREE DAYS LATER
She
had been soul searching and wondering what she wanted. She wished she knew. He
should be getting the second of her letters to leave her hand soon. She
wondered how he would react, what he would say, what he would do. She was
sitting in the Bronze when a familiar song came on.
//Childhood living is
easy to do
The things that you
wanted I bought them for you
Graceless lady
You know who I am
You know I can’t let
you
Just slide through my
hands
Wild horses, couldn’t
drag me away
Wild horses, couldn’t
drag me away
I watched you suffer,
a dull, aching pain
And now you decided
to show me the same
No sweeping exits or
off-stage lines
Can make me feel
bitter or treat you unkind
Wild horses, couldn’t
drag me away
Wild horses, couldn’t
drag me away
Faith has been broken
Tears must be cried
Let’s do some living
After we die
Wild horses, couldn’t
drag me away
Wild horses, couldn’t
drag me away
Wild, wild horses,
we’ll ride them someday
Wild, wild horses,
we’ll ride them someday//
She
was out the door before the last chord ended.
He
sat reading over her words for the third time.
Angel, my love-
Perhaps I do have something normal
with him, something more normal anyway, but is normal a feeling of emptiness?
He can’t possibly make me feel as complete as you ever did, even when we were
just holding hands Angel, I felt at peace. At home.
Your soul is what makes you worthy,
the fact that you care, the fact that you would sacrifice yourself for me,
that’s what makes you worthy, what gives you redemption. You should never doubt
that about yourself, you always did, and it killed me inside to hear you talk
of yourself like you didn’t matter. You do matter, to me, to Cordelia, Wesley
and obviously your life mattered to Doyle. It is not just I that makes you
worthy, it is everyone who loves you, and everyone you love.
The demon inside you is what brought
you to me. For that I can never be free of him, neither can you for that
matter, but if he was not there Angel, you would have been long gone before I
was even a consideration. He is one of the reasons why you are you, and I am so
completely in love with you. Everything that happened to both of us, made us
who we were, made us two people who could love each other. If you wish to
change that, we may never have been and as I said before I would never trade
that for anything. A life without knowing you, would be no life I would want.
And if I had it to do all over again, I would do everything exactly the same.
I have no idea what is happening
here. I have felt for five years, emptiness inside, but reading your letters, I
feel like I am falling in love all over again. We have changed, I admit that,
but I wonder if we could ever find that peace once more. Don’t we owe it to
ourselves to try? I will always be yours Angel, I meant that. Every part of me
is so completely in love with you, my heart, my soul, my mind, my body, my everything.
I can’t imagine that part every changing.
Eternally
yours,
Buffy
He
put the letter down and ran out the door.
ONE DAY LATER
She
was sure he would be there, he should be. She entered the office and remembered
that he lived downstairs. She walked down the stairs. “Angel?” She said.
She
walked around the rooms. “Angel?” He was not here and her heart sank. She sat
on the bed and read her letters over again. She wondered where he went. She got
up and began her walk back to reality.
He
knew she was staying at home and he sat on the roof outside her window waiting,
but she didn’t come home all night. He winced at the thought that she was with
him all night. Day was coming and he went back to the car, he was too late. It
was all for the best anyway.
8
THE NEXT DAY
//I heard from a
friend today,
And she said you were
in town
Suddenly the memories
came back to me in my mind
How can I be strong
I’ve asked myself
Time and time I’ve
said
That I’ll never fall
in love with you again
A wounded heart you
gave,
My soul you took away
Good intentions you
had many,
I know you did
I come from a place
that hurts,
God knows how I’ve
cried
And I never want to
return
Never fall again
Making love to you
felt so good
And oh so right
How can I be strong
I’ve asked myself
Time and time I’ve
said
That I’ll never fall
in love with you again//
He
got back late that night feeling emptier than ever before. He wanted to curl up
in bed forever and never wake up. He was dying inside once again. He walked
downstairs and threw his coat on the chair. He put his keys on the table and
thought he was hallucinating, that smell, where was it coming from? He must be
crazy. He had imagined her there a hundred times, but it had never been this
vivid. He took off his shirt and went into the bedroom.
“Angel!”
“Buffy.”
//So here we are
alone again,
Didn’t think I’d come
to this
And to know it all
began
With just a little
kiss
I’ve come too close
to happiness
To have it swept away
Don’t think I can
take the pain
No never fall again//
“What
are you doing here?”
“I
had to come Angel.” She was sprawled out on the bed; she was so beautiful, even
more than he remembered. “I couldn’t leave it with the letters, I had to come.
Where were you?”
“I
went to Sunnydale.”
“Great
minds huh?”
“I
guess.” He sat on the edge of the bed looking at her.
“You
don’t have to stay that far away Angel, I don’t bite.” He cracked a smile. “Was
that a smile I saw? You don’t have to hide it Angel, you should do it more
often.”
“I
don’t have much to smile about usually. Cordelia’s jokes are usually cracks at
me.”
“Angel...”
she sat up, “I wasn’t sure if I should come, but I had to see.” He looked down
at her hands.
“Is
that the ring?”
“Oh,
yes it is.”
“May
I?” She held out her hand to him and he took it, both shivered at the contact.
“It’s beautiful, a diamond, what you should have.”
“I
don’t know, I was never one for the whole gold and diamond thing, I’d prefer an
emerald.” She smiled. “So, I told him that I needed some time, I told him
maybe, not yes, not no, just maybe. But I don’t know, everything inside me is
screaming to tell him no.”
“You
should do what your gut tells you to do. Guts are usually right on the money.”
“You
think?”
“Absolutely.”
He said.
“Angel,
I had to come. We can’t write the things we wrote in the letters and not find
out if we can make it work, not at least see. Part of me didn’t want to come,
because I was afraid of the answer, but the rest of me screamed at me to come
and find out. If only just to hold your hand, if only just to say goodbye.”
“You
sound so grown up Buffy, you look so grown up, you’re a woman, not a child.
It’s shocking really, I guess I still think of you as that teenager I once
knew.”
“I
know, but I’m so much more than that now.”
“I
can see that, I can feel it in the letters, your tone of voice, your
handwriting.”
“I
know, things have changed a lot. Not to be corny, but the more they change, the
more things stay the same.”
“I
know.”
“Angel,
we can’t write those things in the letters and then walk away.”
“I
know, but how can we not?”
//Kinda late in the
game
And my heart in your
hands
Don’t you stand and
then tell me
You love me
Then leave again//
“I
don’t know, but we can talk about later. You’re probably tired.” She went to
get up.
“No,
you stay here, I’ll be on the couch.” He went to stand up and she caught his
hand.
“Angel...
stay here with me.”
“Buffy...”
“I
know, but just hold me tonight, like we’ll never be apart again. Can you do
that?”
“I
can.” He lay down next to her and she snuggled into him and placed her hands on
his chest and he wrapped his arms around her. “I can.”
// ‘Cause I’m falling
in love with you again
Hold me, hold me
Don’t ever let go
Say it just one time
Say you love me
God knows I do love
you again//