Return to The Book of Beers Introduction

 

 

THE BOOK OF BEERS

Also called

The Book of the Three Scribes

 

 

CHAPTER 1

The Three Scribes First Meet God

 

IN THE fifth year of the rule of Bubba the Philanderer, these Words came unto we three scribes:

2 John the Beers, Gene the Redneck, and Peter the Chinaman.

3 The Lord verily came He down and spake to we three humble scribes:

4 “Go forth and spread the Word, for the end of the world is near,

5 and many souls still are in need of saving.”

6 Peter, being the skeptic of the group, did begin to explain away the phenomenon as a hallucination brought on by alcohol

7 and psychedelic mushrooms. Seeing as how we had had neither of those the evenings before, his explanation was meaningless.

8 God, noticing Peter's stupid error in judgment

9 verily smote Peter and scattered his ashes to the four winds.

10 Realizing His mistake, the Lord God gathered the ashes of Peter the Chinaman and poured them into a nice hot cup of tea.

11 Then John the Beers did cry out in protest, “Peter was my friend, and

12 he deserved not such a fate.”

13 Then did God smite down John the Beers, and scattered his ashes to the four winds.

14 Again, God decided a cup of tea would suit John's ashes better.

15 Then Gene the Redneck awoke and upon seeing God's radiance he stated,

16 “Holy Shit!”

17 And the Lord spake unto Gene, “Take these cups of tea to the shrine

18 in the center of the Castle of Bubba the Philanderer

19 for these are your friends, and tasteth they not good without sugar or lemon.”

20 Gene the Redneck replied, “Don't you mean the Castle of Hillary the Dominant - one - in - the - Relationship?”

21 God then said, “Why, yes. Thou dost knoweth the truth.”

22 But then Gene the Redneck laughed at his own joke and this verily angered the Lord, who smote him down and scattered his ashes to the three winds

23 for it was getting late in the afternoon.

24 Then God saw His error yet again and gathered up the ashes of Gene and formed them into a cup of coffee.

25 For He realized that He must not be quite awake yet seeing as how He made the same mistake thrice.

26 Then God became bored, for He had nobody to turn into beverages.

27 After sitting and twiddling His thumbs for a bit, God did begin to curse Himself saying, “Medamn me!”

28 So He recreated Peter the Chinaman, John the Beers, and Gene the Redneck in order to torment them some more.

29 Thus began the encounters of the Lord God unto us.

 

 

CHAPTER 2

The Three Scribes First Meet Satan

 

AND IT came to pass thereafter that we were plagued by many calamities on our journeys.

2 Yea verily didst the Satan send up a Demonic Angel of Annoyance to bother we three humble scribes,

3 and it did look like the unholy ghost of Hitler.

4 Gene didst awake to find the dark radiance of Adolf descending upon them and did speak these words,

5 “Holy Shitler!”

6 And Hitler, known unto Gene the Redneck as Shitler, didst say unto them,

7 “I have been sent here to bother you. Be warned.”

8 And John the Beers was thereupon stricken with visions;

9 visions of Hitler tying his shoelaces together and giving him wedgies,

10 and John became fearful and did cry out,

11 “It is all starting once again!”

12 And yea verily did Hitler stretch John's undergarments up unto the furthest reaches of the sky.

13 And John the Beers did scream for a bit, and then,

14 a smile did come to his face.

15 John's piteous cry was heard in the deepest depths of Hell

16 and this did call Satan unto them, who had also left his house to pick up some groceries.

17 Peter the Chinaman didst see the black radiance of Satan approaching, and did cry out,

18 “What the Hell are you doing here?”

19 And Satan, because he was not one to condone stupid questions,

20 did smite Peter, and scattered his ashes unto the four winds.

21 And Satan spake unto the remaining scribes thus:

22 “I have come to help and assist thou two scribes on your journeys.”

23 And the two remaining scribes, John and Gene, did watch the ashes of Peter blow away in the winds,

24 and, for some strange reason, did not believe the Devil, and trusted him not.

25 John the Beers, in anger at Satan for what he had done to Peter,

26 did reach out and took he the Devil's nose,

27 and did displayeth the nose between

28 his middle and fore fingers, and did shout out saying:

29 “I have gotten thy nose!”

30 Satan, known unto Gene as “that guy with the tail,”

31 did cry out at the loss of his nose, saying thus,

32 “Giveth me back my nose! I shall giveth thou two anything that you shall desire!”

33 And John the Beers didst begin to say, “Give us back Peter.”

34 But he was halted by Gene the Redneck who did say unto John,

35 “Wait! Let us think this through. We could ask for a million dollars and with

36 that money we couldst buy two million new Peters.”

37 And John did cease for a moment, and pondered upon this,

38 and did say unto himself, “Why the Hell would I want two million Peters?

39 I have enough trouble keeping one up.”

40 And John the Beers was stricken with visions of two million Peters being smitten at once,

41 and their ashes being scattered to the four winds and covering the sun for eternity,

42 and he did decide that only one Peter was needed around, for man could not survive with more than one Peter.

43 And John didst say unto the Devil, “I will return your nose if you return life to these pathetic remnants of a Peter.

44 For man cannot function correctly without a Peter.”

45 And Satan did raise up Peter from the dead, and did demand his nose back.

46 And John did cleverly display that he had never actually taken Satan's nose,

47 but he had in fact displayed his thumb in such a way that it would look like a nose.

48 And Satan was relieved that he still had his nose, but he was also quite embarrassed at his stupidity.

49 And verily did he smite Hitler for Hitler was looking at him funny.

50 And Satan didst say: “We shall meet again, very soon.”

51 And there was a puff of smoke, and when the smoke cleared . . . . . Satan was still there.

52 “Sooner than I originally planned.”

53 Once again, Satan was embarrassed, and decided he would just walk back to Hell, and,

54 in a huff he didst begin to march off into the desert.

55 As he did so, Peter the Chinaman did point out that he was going the wrong direction,

56 for Peter had been to Hell and back many times, and knew he the way well.

57 And Satan did begin to cry.

58 And Gene the Redneck took pity upon him, and called a cab for him.

59 And Gene did give the cabbie a fiver,

60 and told him to go to Hell.

61 Thus ended our first encounter with Satan.

 

 

CHAPTER 3

The Three Scribes Caddy at Ye Olde Sanctified Holy Golf Course

 

YEA VERILY didst the three scribes continue on their journey

2 and they were shown a sign, and it did say:

3 “Ye Olde Sanctified Holy Golf Course: Please, no smoking, spitting or Satan worshiping.”

4 And the three scribes did enter into the Holy Golf Course, because they pondered

5 that they couldst stop by the Holy Snack-Shack, and pick up some

6 Holy Burgers, Holy Fries, and a nice cold glass of Holy Water.

7 And they did see a threesome

8 teeing off, and the three were Moses, Jesus, and some very old man.

9 Moses did tee off, and his ball did land in the midst of a pond.

10 And Moses verily did part the waters of the pond, and hit his ball.

11 And Moses was upon the green in two strokes.

12 Then Jesus Christ yea verily didst tee off, and His ball did land betwixt the shores of the very same pond.

13 And Jesus did walk upon the water, and did cause His ball to float,

14 and Jesus hitteth He the ball again.

15 And Jesus Christ was upon the green in two strokes.

16 Thereupon the old man did verily tee off,

17 and the ball landed in the selfsame pond.

18 But a fish did hit the ball into the air with its tail,

19 where an eagle did catch the ball in its talons and fly away.

20 And the eagle was struck by lightning, and the ball fell into a forest,

21 where a squirrel did pick it up and carry it to the green,

22 where a gust of wind did blow it into the holy hole for a holy hole-in-one.

23 Moses did then turn to Jesus, and spake he these words:

24 “Damn it! I hate playing golf with your Father.”

25 Then Jesus saw the three scribes watching from afar, and did call to them,

26 and asked them to be caddies, for their original caddies had taken their money and run away.

27 And the Lord God did turn and see the three scribes,

28 and did recognize them, and did smile a devilish smile, and God asked them once more to be caddies.

29 And the game did continue, for they could not refuse.

30 And they drew lots, and as usual Peter the Chinaman drew the short lot,

31 so he was forced to carry God's clubs against his will,

32 whilst John the Beers carried the clubs of Moses and Gene the Redneck carried the clubs of Jesus the Christ the Son of the Lord the God of the Heavens and the Earth.

33 Now John the Beers was a stranger to the holey game of golf

34 so asketh he of Moses, “What are the rules to this game of golf?”

35 And Moses did climb a nearby mountain, also known as the seventh hole which had a par of three.

36 And Moses did come back down the mountain with the Ten Commandments of Golf.

37 And God did say unto Moses, “Where the Hell did you find those?

38 I thought I had hid them well.”

39 And God was angered, for He was a renowned cheater at golf.

40 And the Ten Commandments of Golf read thus:

41 I - God shall not use His influence over the forces of nature to improve his game, long or short;

42 II - Thou shalt not abuse the shaft that strikes your balls;

43 III - Thou shalt not bludgeon people with thine clubs;

44 IV - Thou shalt not lift your balls and move them, lest ye forfeit the game;

45 V - Thou shalt not neglect to shout “fore” before hitting, kicking, or throwing the ball towards other people;

46 VI - Thou shalt not lose God's clubs;

47 VII - Thou shalt not smoke, spit, or defecate on any part of the course;

48 VIII - Thou shalt not swim nude in any body of water encompassed by the course;

49 IX - Thou shalt not choose to hit dirt towards the green instead of the ball;

50 X - Thou shalt not shout degradations at other golfers, lest they break Commandments II, III, V, or IX.

51 As Moses read the Ten Commandments of Golf aloud, God did wince.

52 Thus did John the Beers learn about the game of golf.

53 Now as John didst learn about golf, Gene the Redneck did grow weary from the heat of the day.

54 And Gene did drink holy water to quench his thirst.

55 But the holy water did taste like urine,

56 and Gene the Redneck said: “Jesus! This water tastes pitiful.”

57 And God did see Gene drinking the water and did snicker as if He had done something devilish.

58 And Jesus did look at His Father, and spake He unto Him,

59 “Have you been urinating in the holy water again?

60 If your behavior does not improve, I shall ship you off to the Heavenly Haven Nursing Home.”

61 And God was sorely afraid, and said, in fear, “I shall be good.”

62 With that, Jesus did change the holy water into wine

63 and apologized for His Father's behavior by saying,

64 “My Dad is probably just punishing you for somebody else's mistakes.

65 He did that to me once, too.

66 The whole world sinned, and I'm the one who got punished for it. One of your friends probably did something stupid.”

67 And Gene the Redneck did glare at Peter the Chinaman in anger.

68 And Peter did begin to whistle nonchalantly.

69 Then Peter did get funky, for this is verse 69.

70 And the funkiness did subside.

71 Gene did drink of the wine Jesus did provide, and it was good.

72 And Gene did become drunk upon the golf course.

73 Then the game did continue.

74 God did set His ball upon the tee and asked Peter the Chinaman, His caddy, for the three wood.

75 Then did Peter stammer saying, “I left it on the third hole.”

76 Then God smote Peter for breaking the sixth commandment,

77 and scattered his ashes unto the four winds.

78 God then realized He had no caddy so He did recreate Peter.

79 And God said to Peter,

80 “If thou hast not the three wood, then giveth me the five wood instead.”

81 And Peter stuttered as he proclaimed,

82 “I don't have any of your clubs.”

83 Then God did smite Peter down, and scattered his ashes to the four winds.

84 And Gene the Redneck did laugh in drunken sorrow at the loss of his friend yet again.

85 God, realizing that He knew not where His clubs were,

86 did recreate Peter. And God did ask Peter where His clubs were.

87 And Peter almost in tears did say,

88 “I left them at the bottom of the pond on the third hole . . . . right next to your golf cart.”

89 And with that, God did smite Peter, and scattered his ashes to the four winds.

90 But God did not want to play with wet equipment,

91 so He recreated Peter and gave him some money saying:

92 “Peter, taketh this money, and buyeth me new golf clubs and a new golf cart.”

93 And the holy golf game was held up for three hours waiting for Peter,

94 who at last did return.

95 And God did see Peter, and spake these words unto him:

96 “Where are my new golf clubs?”

97 And Peter the Chinaman did reply,

98 “I did not buy any new golf clubs, or any new golf cart. Instead I bought these three magical beans from a man on the corner of the street.”

99 And then God took the three beans, and looked upon them.

100 “These are not magical beans!” sayeth the Lord.

101 And God smote Peter, and scattered his ashes unto the four winds.

102 Then did God eat the beans, and they were good.

103 They tasteth so good unto Him that He recreated Peter,

104 and congratulated him on such good judgment.

105 But the beans did give God flatulence.

106 Thus is Chicago windy unto this day.

 

 

CHAPTER 4

The Three Scribes Visit a Bar Frequented by Religious Figures

 

NOW AFTER this, it verily came to pass that we three scribes,

2 John the Beers, Gene the Redneck, and Peter the Chinaman, did go with God, Jesus, and Moses to a nearby pub.

3 Now this pub was close to Ye Olde Sanctified Holy Golf Course and was frequented by many religious figures, and saints, and godly men.

4 And the scribes did come unto the door and were met by the bouncer,

5 who was Saint Peter, for this was his night job.

6 And he would not let them enter, for they were neither religious nor godlike.

7 But God sayeth unto Peter,

8 “Let them enter, for they are with me.”

9 Saint Peter could not argue with that.

10 And this is what happened in the bar:

11 The three scribes entered into the bar and took a table in the corner.

12 As they sat, God didst point out the religious figures in the room:

13 Buddha was eating a salad, for he was on a diet;

14 Thor was playing a game of cards against Lady Fortune;

15 Noah was at the bar watching Zeus hit on his wife.

16 Whilst God was talking, Hermes did take orders from the people at the table and did bring them unto Dionysus,

17 who was the bartender, cook, and general manager of the establishment.

18 Now every five minutes, Dionysus would have a bottle of scotch and a pitcher of beer

19 sent unto a very overworked and stressed angel in the corner,

20 whose table was cluttered with a many papers.

21 The Lord God told Peter the Chinaman that it was his guardian angel,

22 and Peter did ask God why his angel had to work so hard.

23 God only sighed, and did shake his head.

24 As Loki finished up his magic show, allowing Pan to begin his musical number,

25 the three scribes did hear an ice cream truck pull up and park outside,

26 and they didst see Buddha's ears perk up excitedly.

27 Then, Satan did walk into the bar carrying a three gallon tub of Triple Chocolatey Super Chocolate Chocolate Covered Chocolate Chip Ice Cream,

28 which he did place down upon Buddha's table.

29 Satan looked at the ice cream and said,

30 “This ice cream is okay, but it could use some chocolate syrup.”

31 With that, Satan did begin to pour chocolate syrup onto the ice cream profusely, and the tub did overflow.

32 And Buddha's mouth watered and his belly quaketh with the rage of a cannon.

33 And Satan did take one small bite of the ice cream, and said:

34 “Gosh, I sure am full. Whatever shall I do with the rest of this wonderful, tasty ice cream?

35 I guess I shall have to throw it away.”

36 And Satan yea verily didst proceed to dump the ice cream into the garbage.

37 And Buddha did begin to cry like a little girl.

38 Then Satan didst sit down next to Noah

39 and began whistling the tune “Singing in the Rain” inconspicuously.

40 Then did Noah's teeth begin to chatter audibly.

41 And Satan spake unto Noah saying:

42 “How about this weather we are having?

43 It appears awfully overcast outside. I think it is going to rain.”

44 Then didst Noah stand up and shout,

45 “Nooooooooooooo!

46 Aaaaaaahhhhhhh!”

47 Then did Noah say to everyone, for everyone in the bar was staring at him,

48 “I gotta go.”

49 And Noah did run across the street unto the zoo, and he was heard to proclaim:

50 “Quick! Everyone! Two-by-two, back onto the boat!”

51 And the animals did growl, snarl, and squeak in protest, for it was crowded and stuffy upon the ark.

52 Now after that, Satan did approach Zeus, and said,

53 “On my way up here, I thought I saw your wife, Hera, coming.”

54 And Zeus was so startled by this news, he stood up suddenly,

55 and an intern did fall out of his lap.

56 Zeus then did cry out, “What? Oh my God!”

57 And God, in reply, said, “Yes?”

58 And Zeus did say in a rage unto God, “Not you! Can't you get it through your thick skull? It is just a figure of speech!”

59 Then did Zeus run to the bar and ask of Dionysus,

60 “Dionysus, is there a back way out of here?”

61 And Dionysus did reply, “Yes.”

62 And there was a prolonged and awkward silence.

63 Finally, Zeus did break the silence by shouting, “Well? Are you going to tell me where it is?”

64 And Dionysus did reply unto Zeus, “Yes.”

65 And there was a prolonged and awkward silence.

66 Finally, Zeus did break the silence by shouting, “Well? Which way is it?”

67 And Dionysus did reply, “Oh! You want me to tell you where it is!

68 It is right there . . . just under the 'exit' sign.”

69 And Zeus did thank Dionysus and ran out. Dionysus did add the bill to his running tab.

70 Now after the departure of Zeus, Satan did, yea verily, did he walk over to a table

71 where Pandora and Eve were sitting a-pondering why their husbands wouldst hate them so much.

72 And Satan didst set a large box upon the table with these engraved words upon it:

73 “Do not open until Armageddon.”

74 And Satan did say unto Pandora and Eve, “Excuse me, but I simply must set this box down;

75 It is very heavy, and I have to use the little Satan's room. Do you mind watching it for me?”

76 And before they could reply, Satan had bolted through a door with a small silhouette of a demon and the Braille word for “demon” made out of little spikes on it.

77 Pandora and Eve did look at each other, then at the box.

78 Then they didst begin to quiver, and bite their nails, and sweat, and knock their knees together,

79 and whistle nonchalantly, and sit on their hands, and crack their knuckles, and drum their fingers, and try to focus on other things.

80 Then music began to floweth from the box, and it did sound like the theme to “Jeopardy.”

81 And a sound did issue forth from the heads of the women, and it did sound like tree branches snapping.

82 And with quickness liketh unto lightning, the women were upon the box:

83 prying it, clawing it, kicking it, cutting it with scissors, stabbing it with knives, tearing into with a chainsaw, and pounding it with a jackhammer.

84 And when the smoke cleared, Pandora and Eve were in a heap upon the floor, huffing, but the box was still closed.

85 A flushing sound, followed by a scream came from the little Satan's room,

86 and the Devil did step out and walk to the table and did say unto Pandora and Eve:

87 “You didn't try to open it, did you?”

88 And they did scowl, and shout curses at Satan, for it was that time of the month.

89 And Satan yea verily didst see Peter the Chinaman's guardian angel; and he did smile a devious smile.

90 And the Devil did smite Peter the Chinaman, and a stack of paperwork did appear on the guardian angel's desk.

91 And the angel did scream, “God dammit!”

92 And God did verily damn the paperwork, making it due on Monday, to be filled out in triplicate.

93 And the guardian angel did cry out unto Satan, “Why can't you just stop meddling, you annoying, idiotic, pain-in-the-neck bastard?”

94 And Satan did say in reply: “I am not a bastard. My parents were married when I was born, unlike mister Holier-than-thou over there.”

95 And the Devil did point at Jesus.

96 Now as they argued, Hades did walk into the bar dragging a Peter behind him.

97 And he did throw Peter the Chinaman upon the floor of the bar and said,

98 “Stay out of the Underworld. Nobody likes you down there. Go to Hell!”

99 And Satan did say, “Hey, jerk! If he ends up in the Underworld, it’s your problem. We don't like him in Hell either.”

100 And Satan and Hades did get into a fight, which did spread rapidly until it grew into a barroom brawl.

101 And Peter the Chinaman's guardian angel, who was angry at the Devil, didst throw a flaming sword at Satan.

102 But the sword missed the subtle serpent Satan and instead struck Peter.

103 And Peter the Chinaman was smitten by his own guardian angel.

104 And a gust of wind did scatter Peter's ashes.

105 And his guardian angel did run about trying to gather them as stack upon stack of paperwork appeared on his desk.

106 As the angel pursued the ashes of Peter, and the barroom brawl ensued, the sound of a siren approached from outside.

107 And several police officers didst knock down the door, shouting: “Nobody move! This is a bust.”

108 And as soon as they said, “Nobody move,” the religious figures, saints, and godly men in the bar did run off in all directions.

109 In the commotion the two remaining scribes, John the Beers and Gene the Redneck, were arrested, and yea verily were they thrown into the paddy wagon.

110 Unto us remaining scribes, all of our plans seemed to be going straight to Hell.

111 And as it came to pass, that is exactly where the police van was headed.

 

 

CHAPTER 5

The Three Scribes are put on Trial

 

UNBEKNOWNST UNTO John the Beers and Gene the Redneck, the police van carrying them did descend into the fiery depths of Hell.

2 And when they finished the descent, they saw that they had landed in front of a courthouse made entirely of brimstone.

3 And as the imprisoned scribes were brought forth from the police van, they didst see Peter the Chinaman waving at them.

4 And John the Beers didst cry out in a flood of emotion,

5 “Peter! We have found you, we are so glad you are in Hell!

6 We thought you were lost.”

7 The three scribes were then taken into the courthouse,

8 whereupon they were placed on trial.

9 As they sat at their table, a man in a cheaply made suit approached them and spake these words unto them:

10 “I am your court appointed attorney, here is my card.”

11 And his card did read as such, “Judas Iscariot, Attorney for the Tortured Souls.”

12 And Peter the Chinaman did look at the card in disgust and shout,

13 “With all of the lawyers in Hell, we had to get stuck with him?

14 Isn't Clarence the Darrow around here anywhere?”

15 And Judas replied, “Yes. He is part of Vlad the Impaler's prosecuting team.”

16 And the three scribes didst smack their heads in unison.

17 Azazel, the bailiff, didst then enter the room and pronounce,

18 “District Court 666 is now in session. All rise for the dishonorable Judge Lucifer Beelzebub Satan.”

19 And Satan did walk up to the bench and stood there for a long while, for he knew it was torture to make people stand in their dress shoes for any period of time.

20 And Satan did begin to sit down, and everyone didst begin to heave a sigh of relief,

21 but Satan did stop and said he: “Oh look, there is a penny upon the floor.”

22 And Satan did slowly picketh he up the penny and place it in his pocket.

23 He did then begin to sit yet again, but he did stand back up, and looked at Azazel, and he proclaimed:

24 “Where is the court stenographer? We cannot start without her.”

25 And Azazel did say, “She could be anywhere in the vast infinity of Hell. I'll go find her.”

26 And the people in the courtroom did stand for seven hours awaiting his return.

27 And he did return with Lizzie the Borden, and said he, “She was right outside this whole time.”

28 With that, Satan did begin to sit, but he did leap back up saying,

29 “Antichrist!! This seat is cold. Azazel, do you know where to find my seat-warmer?”

30 And Azazel did reply unto Satan, “It could be anywhere in the vast infinity of Hell. I'll go find it.”

31 And the people in the courtroom didst stand for yet another seven hours, awaiting the return of Azazel.

32 And he did return with the Devil's seat-warmer, and said, “It was in the utility closet this whole time.”

33 And Satan did speak: “Of course it was. Didn't I tell you that?”

34 And Azazel replied that Satan had said no such thing.

35 And Satan shruggeth his shoulders, and sat. And the people did rejoice.

36 Satan, the judge, did look at Judas Iscariot and ask, “How do your clients plead to the charges of:

37 disturbing the peace, making the Lord God look like an idiot, making me look like an idiot, making Jesus look like an idiot, making many other gods and religious figures look like idiots, perverting

38 the Bible, getting drunk on the golf course, losing God's golf clubs, and refusing to remain dead for any normal period of time?”

39 And Judas did reply, “They are guilty your dishonor.”

40 And the three scribes did say unto Judas, “Hey! You're on our side, remember?”

41 And Judas did reply, “Oh yes. Sorry. Uh . . . my clients plead not guilty, your dishonor.”

42 And the opening arguments did begin.

43 Vlad the Impaler did address the jury, which was composed entirely of sadistic, disgruntled postal workers,

44 with these words: “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we are here today to convict three heinous villains . . .”

45 And Judas did interrupt saying, “Objection your dishonor. I would like to object at the gross mispronunciation of the word heinous.

46 It is supposed to be pronounced hey-ness not highness.”

47 But Satan did reply unto Judas, “You can not object you idiot! This is the opening argument!”

48 And John the Beers did think unto himself that Judas was embarrassing him so much,

49 that he would probably deny that he knew him at least three times before the cock crows.

50 And Judas did sit down, and withdrew his objection. And the opening arguments did continue.

51 Vlad the Impaler did give an impressive opening argument, during the course of which he didst look at the three scribes,

52 and run his pointer finger across his neck, in imitation of slitting someone's throat, over and over again.

53 And the three scribes did not notice for they were busy looking upon Judas's notes.

54 And they noticed the repeated occurrence of the phrase: “They are guilty,” written upon the paper.

55 And it came to pass upon the completion of Vlad's speech, Judas did stand up,

56 and applaud, and hoot, and holler.

57 And Judas spake, “That was a good speech. I don't think we're going to win this one.”

58 And he did feel the sensation of six eyes staring at the back of his head.

59 The applause did then halt, and he did prepare for his opening argument.

60 And Judas Iscariot didst say unto the jury, “They are guilty.”

61 And Gene the Redneck did stand up and speak, “Your dishonor, can we confer with our lawyer?”

62 And Satan did grant he his request, and the three scribes did begin to whisper in argument with Judas their lawyer.

63 And Gene the Redneck did walk up to the bench while Judas was not looking,

64 and borrowed Satan's gavel.

65 And Gene the Redneck did tap Judas on the shoulder, and Judas did turn around, and receiveth he a mighty wallop to the forehead.

66 And the gavel did snap, bouncing off of Judas's head and rolling across the floor.

67 And Satan didst say, “That t'was my favorite gavel.

68 Azazel, go find my spare gavel.”

69 And Azazel did say, “It could be anywhere in the vast infinity of Hell. I'll go find it.”

70 And the trial was held up for yet another seven hours, awaiting the return of Azazel.

71 And he did return with a handful of gravel which he did place upon Satan's bench.

72 And Satan spake: “Gavel, you idiot! Not gravel!”

73 And Azazel did say, “A gavel? That could be anywhere in the vast infinity of Hell . . . .”

74 And Gene the Redneck did stand upright and said he:

75 “Wait! According to my calculations, we have waited seven hours, plus seven hours, plus another seven hours;

76 So overall that equals seven-hundred and seventy-seven hours! I don't want to wait anymore.”

77 With that, Gene did walk over to the prosecuting side, where he did breaketh a leg off of the prosecutors' table.

78 He did then deliver the table leg to Satan and said, “Here, use this as a gavel.”

79 But Satan did look at the table leg and say, “There is no way in Hell that I would use that as a gavel.

80 Azazel, go find my spare gavel and a new table for the prosecution.”

81 And everyone in the courtroom did smack their foreheads in unison, except for Judas, whose forehead had been smacked for him.

82 And Azazel did leave the courtroom, and he did return thirty seconds later with a gavel and a table, and this did surprise the Hell out of everyone.

83 And Judas Iscariot did finish his opening argument by speaking thus:

84 “They are not guilty. I intend to prove this somehow by using some evidence,

85 and by calling some people down here to say some things about them. Thank you.”

86 After Judas's opening argument, the prosecution did call their first witness: God.

87 And Azazel did swear God in, making him place his hand upon the Bible and asking him,

88 “Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you you?” And God did agree.

89 And the examination did continue as such:

90 Vlad the Impaler: “What is your relation to the accused?”

91 Lord God: “I am their Creator and their God.”

92 Vlad: “How long have you known them?”

93 God: “Since before they were born.”

94 Vlad: “Did any of the accused, at any point in their existences, lose your golf clubs? or make you look like a fool?”

95 God: “As a matter of fact, yes. They did both, or, at least, Peter did.”

96 Vlad: “Is it true that losing God's clubs is breaking a Commandment of Golf and is therefore punishable by an eternity in Hell?”

97 God: “Yes.”

98 Vlad: “I have no further questions your dishonor.”

99 And spake Satan, “Judas Iscariot, you may cross examine the witness.”

100 Judas Iscariot: “Mr. God, I am going to ask you some questions, to gauge your truth telling capabilities. What, pray tell, is your name?”

101 God: “God.”

102 Judas: “What is your occupation?”

103 God: “God.”

104 Judas: “When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?”

105 God: “God.”

106 Judas: “If you could be anyone for a day, who would you be?”

107 God: “Tiger of the Woods.”

108 Judas: “Hmm. What is your birthday?”

109 God: “Octembuary 32nd.”

110 Judas: “When will the world end?”

111 God: “_______ 10th, AD _____, at __:14 _.m.” [1]

112 Judas: “Do you cheat at golf?”

113 And God did stammer saying, “What? Of course not!”

114 Judas: “Aha! Mr. God, do you know that perjury is a capital crime? You could be sent to Hell for eternity.

115 If you lied about your golfing abilities, then you could have lied about other things.”

116 And Judas did turn to Satan and said: “Your dishonor, I request that God's testimony be stricken from the record?”

117 And it was so.

118 And Vlad the Impaler, frustrated, didst call his next witness, Peter's guardian angel, to the stand.

119 And the examination did continue thusly:

120 Vlad the Impaler: “What is your name?”

121 Peter's Guardian Angel: “Hortense Cuthbert, Angel for Hire.”

122 Vlad: “What is your occupation?”

123 Hortense Cuthbert: “I am a Rent-An-Angel.”

124 Vlad: “What is your current assignment?”

125 Hortense: “I am currently acting as Peter the Chinaman's guardian angel.”

126 Vlad: “Tell me, Hortense, on the average, how long does Peter the Chinaman stay dead?”

127 Hortense: “Currently, his record for remaining dead is about a day, but that 'tis only because he's been held up in court. Normally, it's about two to three minutes.”

128 Vlad: “Ah. What, in your expert opinion, is the normal amount of time a person remains dead?”

129 Hortense: “Normally, anywhere in between forever and eternity.”

130 Vlad: “So, would you say Peter does not remain dead for a normal period of time?”

131 Hortense: “Yes, yes I would.”

132 Vlad: “I have no further questions, you unholiness.”

133 And Satan did allow Judas to cross examine the witness:

134 Judas Iscariot: “Mr. Cuthbert, due to the number of times Peter the Chinaman has died, you must be relatively new at this. In spite of your lack of experience, you must certainly know the Ten Commandments by heart. Do you also know the additional three hundred and twenty seven Amendments to the Commandments?”

135 Hortense: “Yes I do.”

136 Judas: “In which Commandment does it state the required amount of time that a person must remain dead?”

137 Hortense: “Commandment LXIX, subclause XIII, section VII, paragraph XII: ‘He who doth not remain dead forever must either be sentenced unto Hell for all eternity or be reincarnated as a red herring, a jackalope, or a snipe.’”

138 Judas: “Yes. That is very good, but do you remember who wrote it?”

139 Hortense: “Yes. It was Jesus Christ himself.”

140 Judas: “And for how long did He remain dead?”

141 Hortense: “For three days, thirty minutes, and twenty seven seconds.”

142 Judas: “So you see your dishonor, if those who write the laws break them as well, then the laws should be moot. I demand that this witness's testimony be stricken from the record.”

143 And Satan agreed with Judas's argument. He ordered the testimony stricken. And it was so.

144 And Vlad the Impaler, in a bloody murderous rage, didst call his final witness, Dionysus, unto the stand.

145 And his examination did continue:

146 Vlad the Impaler: “What is your name?”

147 Dionysus: “Dionysus.”

148 Vlad: “What is your occupation?”

149 Dionysus: “I am the god of fertility and wine. I also own and manage the Drink Till You're Drunk (or Can No Longer Pay, in Which Case I Have My Friend Thor Take You Outside and Beat You With His Hammer Until You Cry Like a Baby and Pay) Pub, on the lower, west side of Heaven, near the golf course.”

150 Vlad: “This is a well established pub, I hear, with a very good reputation. Tell me, did these three scribes start a fight in your pub?”

151 Dionysus: “Yes. They thrashed the place. Now, all I have left is my millions of dollars and my countless numbers of concubines and other like followers to show for it.”

152 Vlad: “You see! A man's livelihood shattered over a minor, petty life

153 or death situation. I have no further questions, your dishonor.”

154 And Judge Satan did instruct Judas to cross

155 examine the witness:

156 And Judas Iscariot did approach the witness stand and asketh he of Dionysus:

157 “Dionysus, is it not true that this fight was actually started by Satan?

158 My clients claim the Devil made them do it.”

159 And the Devil didst arise and declare that the witness's testimony would be stricken from the record.

160 With that, Vlad the Impaler didst become so infuriated that he didst run amok,

161 and grabbed he a toothpick and threatened to run everyone through

162 saying that if he had known Hell sucketh so badly, he wouldst have been a nicer person in life.

163 And with that Satan didst bang his gavel upon the gravel and sayeth unto Vlad:

164 “Order in the court! Mr. Impaler, if I hear you say that despicable word ‘nice’ again, than I will hold you in contempt. We will have no such blasphemy in my courtroom.”

165 Then did the trial proceed.

166 And it was time for Judas to call his witnesses; and his first witness was Jesus Christ. The questioning proceeded as follows:

167 Judas Iscariot: “Please state your full name.”

168 Jesus Christ: “Jesus H. Christ.”

169 Judas: “What does the ‘H’ stand for?”

170 Jesus: “I’d rather not say. My middle name is kind of embarrassing. Besides, you know me, you know my middle name.”

171 Judas: “I don't know you. I've never met you before in my life. Please state your middle name.”

172 Jesus: “My middle name is . . . Humperdink.”

173 Judas: “And what is your occupation?”

174 Jesus: “I am the Son of God and the Savior of the World.”

175 Judas: “Your Dishonor, this witness is clearly delusional.”

176 Satan: “He is not delusional! He really is the Son of God and the Savior of the World!”

177 Judas: “Oh. But he is delusional in thinking that we know each other. I have never met this man before in my life.”

178 And a cock did crow . . . . and Satan did cry out, “For Pete’s sake! Get the Colonel to shut that bird up.”

179 Judas: “I request that this witness's testimony be stricken from the record.”

180 And so it was, and the three scribes did sigh and shake their heads in unison. Vlad did the same for he truly wanted to cross - examine Jesus, and Judas was an idiot.

181 Judas then called his next witness: Death, to the stand.

182 Judas Iscariot: “State your full name.”

183 Death: “Ahab Mortimer Death.”

184 Judas: “And what is your occupation?”

185 Death: “During most of the year, I am the Grim Reaper.”

186 Judas: “When aren’t you the Grim Reaper?”

187 Death: “I take Christmas Eve off to be with my family.”

188 Judas: “So, nobody dies on Christmas Eve?”

189 Death: “Are you kidding? You've never been to New York City on Christmas Eve, have you?”

190 Judas: “Then who does the reaping?”

191 Death: “Well . . . since he’s flying around the world that night anyway, Santa Claus does the reaping that night.”

192 Judas: “So Jolly Old Saint Nick does the reaping that night?”

193 Death: “Yep. Santa giveth, and Santa taketh away.”

194 Judas: “Anyway, we all know that you carry a list of names with you that tells you, exactly, when a person will probably die. Is that correct?”

195 Death: “Yes, they are faxed to me every week, they used to be mailed to me, but the post office is slow as . . . never mind.”

196 Judas: “Slow as what?”

197 Death: “Slow as Death.”

198 Judas: “Your Dishonor, I submit to you my first piece of evidence, lets call it ‘Exhibit B,’ a so called death list. Now Mr. Death, who compiles your lists?”

199 Death: “They are compiled by the Inevitable Repossession of Souls company, a division of the Three Fates monopoly.”

200 And Lizzie the Borden, court stenographer, didst shudder at the mention of the I.R.S. for she used to work there.

201 Judas: “Tell me, Mr. Deaf, how often does the I.R.S. make a mistake on their list?”

202 Death: “Since the time it was established, it has messed up only a few times. Like the time when the guy who faxes the lists died, no one died for a whole week.”

203 Death: “The only reason that happened was because he saw his name on the list and had a heart attack.”

204 Judas: “Otherwise, it is pretty accurate, right?”

205 Death: “Yes, it is.”

206 Judas: “Mr. Death, could you . . . “

207 Death: “Hey! Excuse me, but could you please stop calling me Mr. Death, it’s Doctor Death.”

208 Judas: “So you’re a doctor. That should make your testimony so much more valid.”

209 Death: “Actually, it is an honorary title.”

210 Judas: “Oh . . . anyhow, hmm, anyway, Mr. Dr. Death, could you please look on the list in my hand and tell me how many times the names of these three scribes appear on it?”

211 Death: “Yes.”

212 And there was a prolonged and awkward silence.

213 Judas: “Well?”

214 Death: “’Well’ what? I need you to hand me the list first you backstabber.”

215 Judas: “Oh.”

216 And Judas did hand Death his hit list and he was heard to mumble to himself, “I never stabbed anyone in the back, I've never stabbed anyone.”

217 And the three scribes didst continue shaking their heads.

218 And the Grim Reaper punched numbers into a calculator, and it did take him a good while to tally up all the times their names appeared on the list.

219 And Death didst cometh up with an answer, saying: “The name of John the Beers appears on my list seventeen times as does the name of Gene the Redneck. The name of Peter the Chinaman appears on the death list a total of one hundred sixty-seven and one half times.”

220 Judas: “Well, looks like they are in for a harsh life.”

221 Death: “Keep in mind that this is just this week’s list.”

222 Judas: “Well, Looks like they are in for a harsh week. Are you sure this is not an error in the system?”

223 Death: “Absolutely sure. We have never had an error in the operating system.”

224 Judas: “But, is there not a first time for everything?”

225 And Death could not answer. He stammered for a bit, then did not answer.

226 And before Judas could ask him to, Satan did strike the testimony from the record,

227 and strike down Peter, and strike a match, and strike out on a curveball, and bowled a strike, and went on strike, and was stricken with a sudden fit of striking things, because Judas had driven him striking mad.

228 And the devil did turn to Judas:

229 Satan: “Mr. Iscariot, are there any testimonies that you aren’t going to have me strike from the record?”

230 And Judas spake as he looked through his notes: “No, you dishonor. There are a few more witnesses, but their testimonies will prove to be fallible as well.”

231 And Satan said, “Well then, to Hell with this. We are going to skip to the closing arguments.”

232 And the defense attorney did speak first. “They are guilty as Hell.” Judas said.

233 And the prosecutor, Vlad the Impaler, did say, “I have nothing to say.”

234 And the jury of disgruntled postal workers did not even go into their chambers to decide.

235 And the foreman did stand:

236 George: “We the jury, disregarding everything that was stricken from the record, we hereby find that there is no evidence proving anything. The defendants are not guilty by default.”

237 And John, Gene, and Judas did jump up and down for joy. And Peter did continue to lay dead on the floor.

238 Judas said, “I knew my reverse psychology tactics would work on them.”

239 And Gene and John did stop their exclamations of joy and the courtroom didst grow so silent, a cricket was heard in the corner.

240 And Peter the Chinaman did awaken from the dead and smacketh he the ever-loving crap out of Judas.

241 And John and Peter and Gene didst jump up and down with joy.

242 And John the Beers queried philosophically, “What does this say about the judicial system? Has it failed?”

243 And Gene the Redneck did reply, “To Hell with the judicial system. Let's get the Hell outta here.”

 

 

CHAPTER 6

The Three Scribes tour Hell

 

YE VERILY didst the three scribes leave the courthouse, and casually strolled through the . . .

 

[Here the ancient text is missing]