The Swedish Fish was spawned on the 18th day of April in the year 1981, and though he knows that in human years he may not seem very old, in fish years he is practically dead. Behold The Swedish Fish, tremble in his splender and overall omnipotence! (And yes The Swedish Fish does always refer to himself in the third-person) Steal your courage now, before you lay your eyes upon the terrible, horrible story of...THE SWEDISH FISH! Actually it isn't a very intersting story. The Swedish Fish grew up as The Canadian Fish in a relatively middle-class river in the mountains of Canada. But in order to move ahead in life, at the age of 3 months, The Fish left his home river and traveled to the open ocean to search for fame and fortune. After a harrowing experience involving a rowboat and 107 sea sponges, he happened upon the coast of Sweden. The inhabitants there were shocked and mystified by his strange Canadian language so they proceeded to yell Swedish obscenities and throw gherkins at him. In order to combat the painful stinging of that salty yet delicious food, he whipped out a magical golden spoon and went all spoony on their arses. Impressed by his unique utensil-based fighting style, the Czar of Sweden asked The Fish to do a favour for him.
"In exchange for helping me defeat a hideous monster, I will make you, The Canadian Fish, an honourary member of the Swedish Royal Family, entitling you to all sort of benefits including a free 30 day trial at a tanning salon and this truly amazing pair of scissors, see it cut's through this soda can like butter!" So The Fish accepted the challenge, he reasoned his scales were sort of pale, and he would fancy having those scissors (it would make his aluminum can sculpture of Alf a lot easier) but most of all he would be royalty, and ceraintly that would give him fame and fortune! So the next day The Fish was led down to a great cave, he noticed many, many bones littering the outside of the door and as he turned to ask the Czar about them, he realized that he was all alone.
"You go ahead and do your thing Mr. Fish," the Czar yelled,"I'll be over here behind this rock...uh....taking my pants off...I seemed to have soiled myself." Suddenly a huge roar blasted from the cave, and out emerged a dizzyingly hideous creature. The Cheesemopolawn! Half Cheese, Half Mop, Half Lawnmower, this beast was capable of cheesing people to death, cleaning their floors then mowing their lawns. Oh the horror! So The Fish did what came naturally to him, he ran, ran like the Devil had stuck 2 cartons of eggs in his arse. But then he realized he must face his fear, he must face being cheesed, mopped and trimmed to a reasonable height in order to make his dreams come true. The Fish took out his magical golden spoon and spooned the creature to a cheesy bloody pulp, then he made a sandwich. When he returned to the castle, the Czar of Sweden, who during the battle had located a clean pair of pants, annoited The Fish in brine, as was custom at the time, and declared him a member of the family. There was a big feast and everyone was invited, The Swedish Fish took his place at the table and was horrified at what he saw. Laying all across the table was fish. Smoked fish, sauteed fish, broiled fish, pickled fish, grilled fish, steamed fish, baked fish, fish soup, fish bread, fish pudding, fish juice, and he cried out in fear. He jumped up from the table and left without so much as a word of goodbye, or thanks, which was also custom at the time, and swam across the ocean as fast as he could to the United States. Knowing full well that Americans were wary of Canadians, The Swedish Fish kept his newfound title. And that my friends is how The Canadian Fish became The Swedish Fish. And what about the fame and fortune he dreamed of you ask? Well let him give you a little nugget of truth that he's found out in his years on this earth: You go to school, then you work, and then you die. That's pretty much it. Dreams are stupid kids. Oh sure he could tell you to follow your dreams, but he'd just be lying, and the sooner you kids become disillusioned and bitter, the happier you'll be :) |
