| The CPWorldFS Post |
| Thursday, October 16, 2003 |
| CP EDITION |
| Inside: CPC, local news Extra Today's Contents in Updates |
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| NEWSSTAND 35� HOME DELIVERY 31� |
| Weather |
| Today: Sun and clouds. High 72. Low 60. Thursday: Cloudy, possible showers. High 68. Low 58. Details, Page B8 |
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| They Call the Menu Twatiana |
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| Renaming Possible Threat to Stability of Languages Worldwide |
| By Artemis Hariovna CPWorldFS Staff Writer |
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| Northern Virginia--In a surprise christining ceremony, one that strikes fear into the hearts of menus all over the world, the menu has been renamed "Twatiana." This comes shortly after the rumor that Eto Zmyey was once a Star Virgin, and has caused an upset in restaurants all around the world with the simple utterance of, "Meny zovut Twatiana," a mixture of typos and varying transliteration from the Cyrillic letters of the Russian language. "I just can't imagine offering customers Twatianas," said Jane Smith, a waitress at Red Corumdum Martes in Centreville, Virgina. Similar sentiments were expressed by all interviewed subjects. In an effort to combat this horrendous turn of events, the House of Representatives is expected to introduce and likely pass a bill outlawing this renaming and any future renaming of menus. Members of the Senate seem to agree with the goals of the House, and the President has already stated he will sign it, should it pass. All of this trouble may be attributed to one young college student in Massachusetts whose name has not yet been released to the public at this time. Officials are not saying whether or not the young woman will have to pay any consequences because of the act. "It seems to be a college kid's doing," said Sgt. Pete Buckmeyer yesterday. "She didn't mean it, but somehow this blew up into a world-wide thing. It's not as serious as, say, a computer virus, but it's caused a lot of damage nontheless. Still, she likely won't receive too much punishment, as this seems to have been entirely accidental.." In the few short days that this has been an issue, scientists have already calculated the potential effect this will have once everyone in the world See MENU, A9, Col. 1 |
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| Geo-Cruiser Repainted After Five Years New Colors Speculated to Be Indication of Political Alliance by Conservative Groups |
| HOPE ISLAND--After five long years of being painted the same bright yellow, the new model of the Planeteers' Geo-Cruiser astonished many who saw it for the first time during one of their many missions last Saturday. Easily beating the infamous businessman Looten Plunder when they called Captain Planet with their rings, the Planeteers had enough time afterwards to show off their new design, coupled with a change in uniform from the one they'd had for the past two years, which had been quite similar to their original three-year uniform. While officials are unsure of exactly why these changes have been implemented, some speculate it may be to increase visibility, show off better, or, in some ultra-conservative circles, to display their political alleigance "like the damn commies they are," as one farmer from Tennessee claims. It is true the new red and yellow design is traditionally the colors associated with Communism, attributed largely to the Soviet and Chinese flags but this is hardly likely to be the explantation. Still, several groups persist, saying Gaia may have been influenced by the female Planeteers, Anzhelika Ivanova, from the former Soviet Union, and Gi Shang, from China. However, one may wonder then why Jacob Wheeler, the Planeteer from Brooklyn, New York, had no influence. This is explained away by the radical right wings, who say that Wheeler has become a traitor to the United States, getting too close to Ivanova in their time together. The mystery may be solved this coming Tuesday, when the Planeteers are to appear during the second half of David Letterman's late night talk show in New York City. Doubtless, Letterman will be anxious to ask See CRUISER, A19, Col. 3 |
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| By AKIRA CPWorldFS Foreign Service |
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| Diet Coke May Be Deadly Popular Soft Drink Found to Cause Severe Sickness, Exact Reason Unknown |
| By Tetsuo Shima CPWorldFS Staff Writer |
| Though having gone without incident for decades, new light is being shown upon the status of one of the world's most popular soft drinks, Diet Coke. Produced by Coca-Cola, this variety has become a favorite among those watching their waist line and even those who aren't. Despite its time of fame and fortune, its apparently deadly properties are now coming to light. Chesney Young, a college student from Massachusetts, reports to the CPWorldFS staff that her brush with the near-fatal drink left her emotionally scarred. "I had this one can one night, and I for serious felt like I was going to die. My friend, Diana, tried to diagnose me by what I was telling her. She came up with just a few possibilities, including brain cancer and Marburg, but those would have been welcome in comparison to this." Young is seriously considering suing Coca-Cola for the harm and grief she suffered during her ordeal. A Coca-Cola spokesman said this could potentially have a See COKE, A15, Col. 1 |
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| Fire Planeteer In Denial About 9/11? Sudden Change In Attitude Concerns Fellow Planeteers, Spirit of Earth |
| By Aleksander Romanov CPWorldFS Foreign Service |
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| It is doubtful that the tragic events of September 11, 2001, will be soon forgotten, yet Jacob Wheeler, the Planeteer with the power of Fire, seems to have done just that. Not one week ago he made a reference to the late World Trade Center so casually that it shocked the other Planeteers in the Geo-Cruiser with him. To many this would not seem such a bad thing. Afterall, after two years since that Tuesday and with President Bush trying to link 9/11 to Iraq right and left, public grief has long faded. But testimonies from Wheeler's fellow Planeteers show just why this was so unusual. "Ever since September 11th he has been different somehow," said Anzhelika Ivanova, who uses her ring to control wind. "And then suddenly he was the same carefree self he had been two years earlier. We cannot explain what happened, and it has us all worried." Mateo Mendez, a Kayapo Indian from South America who controls the power of Heart, had this to say about Wheeler: "Any time anyone mentioned the Trade Center in the past two years, he'd get very quiet. I could feel his sorrow with my ring. But he suddenly makes this comment as though it's nothing!" "Maybe he's finally gotten over it," suggested Gaia, the Spirit of the Earth. "Perhaps something happened that finally got him over the trauma." When reporters attempted to interview Wheeler himself, they were unable to due to his setting up some sort of surprise he had been planningfor Ivanova to find later that See PLANETEER, A23, Col. 1 |
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| Inside |
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| Parts 2 and 3 of The Most Insidious Kind up, to be continued at later date. Page D1 |