| The CPWorldFS Post |
| Tuesday, February 24, 2004 |
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| CP EDITION |
| Inside: CPC, local news Extra Today's Contents in Updates |
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| NEWSSTAND 35� HOME DELIVERY 31� |
| Weather |
| Today: Sun and clouds. High 50. Low 36. Wednesday: Cloudy. High 48. Low 37. Details, Page B8 |
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| CPWorldFS Editor Lazy |
| Results In Major Changes in CPWorldFS Post Layout |
| By Artemis Hariovna CPWorldFS Staff Writer |
| Northern Virginia.--Famous around the world for her intelligence, devotion to the environment, and stunning good looks, young Diana Rotter of Centreville, once an extraordinary student eager to complete her work, has turned lazy as of late. This change has caused several effects upon her life (and of those who worship the ground she walks on), not the least important of which is her chosen layout of the CPWorldFS Post. "It's just too hard and time-consuming to continue to do the Post as I have in the past, you know, in the style of a regular newspaper," said Rotter when questioned. "Not only that, but for some reason PageBuilder has decided to stop functioning correctly with my laptop, resulting in large, inexplicable gaps in text on pages when not in the same text box, such as the gaps you'll undoubtedly notice in this edition whenever there's an image.. I don't know why, but my laptop is showing text bigger for some reason." Rotter then excused herself to go study HTML, though it likely that that will never happen. "She used to be such a good student," says her mother, who wished to remain unnamed. "Sure, she had her lazy moments, but she was still averaging a B in high school. That is, she was until she started talking with Chesney." Rotter's mother's comments following this were omitted from the paper, as they would be too indecent to print. When asked about this, Rotter denied that talking with Chesney Young was the problem. "Oh yeah, I did stay up real late talking with her," she explained, "but even after Mom grounded me I still didn't do my work. Oh, come on, I still averaged a C+ for the year." Judging by this, it would seem that Senioritis had simply hit Rotter earlier than most and that it wasn't due to her online friends, no matter how "bad for her" they were. All talk about school and Young aside, be prepared for big changes starting right now. Articles will now be written full out and not cut off as before, and all stories will simply be straight down with no special arrangement. Also, past editions of the Post may be accessed at the link listed below. |
| Force Fields Found to Flatten Faces Discovery May Compromise Marketability of Security Device |
| "Her face was completely smashed in," said Dr. Tim Curry yesterday. "But something about the properties of the field let this happen." Keeping with the baffled statements, his aide, Rock Horore, commented that though they were able to reverse the effects, "no one really knew what they were doing." "We actually had to use another force field to change her face back, but set on an opposite polarity," explained Dr. Penn E. Wise of New York University. "This was able to pull her face back to its original shape, almost like a vacuum. It wasn't really like her face was smashed in, but more how our eyes perceived it, perhaps something having to do with the reflection of light." Dr. Wise declined to comment further, apparently having just thought of this possibility, as he excused himself to continue along his hypothesis. Force fields are designed to keep things out of a certain area. Acting much like an extremely strong wall, these "light walls," as they have been called, will stop even a nuclear explosion from getting past them, a scientific break-through. There has even been talk of setting up large, completely transparent grids on the outsides of buildings to protect them from any sort of attack, but such a cost would be in the trillions at current market price. This newfound property of force fields could either spell their doom or greatly enhance their selling power. Obviously, companies would likely not want force fields that might cause the faces of their employees to flatten, but this very effect might have a niche somewhere in another part of the market, perhaps in the cosmetics devision as a surgery-free face lift technique, or the like. At last report, Ivanova was recovering just fine, already up and walking about just two days after her fixing process, for lack of a better term. She declined to be interviewed, but the Post was told that she had been conscious throughout the entire ordeal, right up to anethesia, and in fact had felt no pain at all, save for the original collision. |
| Season 6 Rumored to Never Show Because of Ridiculous Opening Many Fans Find Even Themselves Cringing |
| By Tetsuo Shima CPWorldFS Staff Writer |
| Many times have frustrated Captain Planet fans sent emails to the schedulers of the Cartoon Network, asking time and again just why the sixth season of the show is never aired on Cartoon Network. As the silence continues to grow, rumors are rising to the surface, ranging from the logical to the downright insane. One of the more popular ideas floating around on the Internet explains the situation by proposing that Cartoon Network does not wish to show Season 6 because of the ridiculous opening sequence that season has. Through watching the show over the seasons, one may notice that the opening sequence has changed very little from Season 1 to Season 5, the only changes being in the second season, when Anzhelika Ivanova's place of origin was changed to Eastern Europe following the breakup of the Soviet Union, and in the fourth season, when Captain Planet was recorded saying the introduction instead of Kwame Kambuto. One look at Season 6, however, and it is immediately evident how much the opening has suddenly changed. |
| Eco-Villains' Attempt to Frame Planeteer Fails Defeated Villains Now Plotting in Prison |
| By Philip J. Fry CPWorldFS Staff Writer |
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| In a startling revelation last Friday, it has been found that force fields, once thought to be the solution to security problems for all sorts of applications in the future, have the interesting side effect of flattening the face of anyone hapless enough to run into them. This disturbing property was discovered when Anzhelika Ivanova, one of the world-famous Planeteers, was first in line when the entire group of pollution-fighting teens ran head first into a suddenly dropped force field. Between the effects of her comrades running into her and the force field itself, her face was completely flattened, yet she was somehow still alive. She was quickly taken to a hospital, where doctors, unable to figure out how to fix the damage by themselves, had to call upon scientists specializing in force fields. Together they managed to reverse the effects of the field in a 24-hour process, and Ivanova is currently finishing up recovery in the hospital. "When we saw what had happened, it was just totally shocking. I mean, we thought she was dead for sure," commented fellow Planeteer Jacob Wheeler, considerably calmer after Ivanova's treatment. Scientists are still baffled by exactly why she was able to survive at all. |
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| Like the previous introductions, the Season 6 opener gives a brief biography of all the Planeteers, but it does it in such a cheesy manner, with a rhyming rap beat, floating words, and the disconnected, hovering lips from "You Bet Your Planet" singing the words, that it's a wonder this was ever produced at all. One may easily look at the sequence and speculate that the producers must have been high on something in order to okay this. Interestingly enough, this childish introduction is coupled with other changes, not the least of which is the appearances of the Planeteers. The Planeteers seem older in the sixth season, with completely new wardrobes to better match the colors of their powers. For example, Ivanova, who controls the power of Wind, now wears white and blue, and Kambuto, the Planeteer with the power of Earth, wears all green. Even the Geo-Cruiser is now painted red and yellow. This in itself is rumored to have been at the command of Gaia, the little-recognized Spirit of the Earth or just to be more Communist (see CRUISER Oct. 16th, A1, Col. 1) though one cannot say for sure. On David Letterman's "The Tonight Show" last Tuesday, when the Planeteers were invited on the show, Letterman asked them about the changes in colors. The Planeteers admitted the changes had been Gaia's idea but stressed that the paint job was to improve visibility to others after their near collision with an Boeing 767 two months ago. The Boeing 767 is one of the largest commercial planes flying, but a crash with a craft the size of even the comparitively small Geo-Cruiser would have devastated such a large plane. Besides the hypothesis about the opening sequence, other rumors include such things as Cartoon Network not having the rights to show it (which may be disproved by the simple fact that both Captain Planet and Cartoon Network are owned by Atlantan billionaire Ted Turner), forgetfulness, or that they are just plain being mean. Whatever the real reason, fans are sure to be continuing to write to the Cartoon Network schedulers to find out the truth. |
| By Kritine Beltz CPWorldFS Staff Writer, Florida |
| Fed up with having been beaten by Captain Planet and his Planeteers, Eco-Villains Doctor Babs Blight, Duke Nukem, and Verminus Skumm conspired to frame Jacob Wheeler, the Planeteer whose power is fire, for starting a series of wildfires in the western United States. Fortunately for Wheeler, charges were never brought against him. Apparently, he had an alibi in his fellow Planeteers. "He could not have started those fires," states Kwame Kambuto, controller of the power of earth. "Gaia sent us out to help evacuate any people whose homes were threatened . . . all of us except Wheeler, who had just come down with the flu the day before the fires were set." "I was checking on Wheeler when Gaia ordered us to the Crystal Chamber," Gi Shang, controller of the power of water, adds. "He been fast asleep for several hours and we had to leave him a note explaining where we had gone in case he woke up and nobody was there." A second factor that worked in Wheeler's favor had been captured on video tape. According to a college student who wished to remain anonymous, he had caught an account on video where Dr. Blight projected a holographic image of Wheeler around Nukem. Disguised as the redheaded eco-activist, Nukem proceeded to start the fires. In the background of one of the student's shots, Skumm was seen donning his human disguise, and his voice could barely be made out saying, "When we get through spreading the word, the eco-geek will be sleeping in a dark cell with the roaches and rats." The student immediately rushed the video to the authorities. The villains were arrested within 24 to 48 hours, and Blight's computer, MAL, was confiscated. Files on the super computer revealed the detailed plan to frame Wheeler, from the staging of the crime to Skumm and Blight's claiming to have witnessed the destruction. |
| Addiction Found to Be Big Turn On Many Understandably Silent On Subject |
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| By Enzo Matrix CPWorldFS Staff Writer |
| In a surprise twist that shocked poll-takers across the continent, the number one turn on for more than two thirds of the population is someone who is addicted to one drug or another. This information has not been widely known in the past due to surveys lacking such questions and people's desire to keep such potentially embarrassing information secret. One young man from Canada, who has elected to remain unnamed, said when interviewed that he is "encouraged to smoke occasionally" because all "the sexy girls do it." His attitude throughout the entire conversation focused on how he found smoking women to be very appealing to him, though he could not explain why. He did stress, however, that "an addiction of anything is bad," leading one wonder just why he finds smoking women a turn on. |
| Another subject interviewed was one unnamed student from Northern Virginia. Living close to Washington, D.C., she has developed a crush on one Boris Dimitrovich Ivanov, one of the many casualties during the Bliss "epidemic," as some call it, mainly because of the fact that he died of the drug. "I guess it's the addiction that really makes me fall for a guy, him being dependent on drugs and all," she told CPWorldFS Post reporters. Interestingly enough, she does not take any sort of drug at all (with the exception of monthly Midol) and even tends to steer away from caffeinated beverages, such as colas and coffee, for fear of becoming addicted and needing the stimulant to function well. Still another young woman from Massachusetts said she wants "to go to a rehab center and just hook up." After this confusing result, researchers are trying hard to determine just what would cause many drug-free Americans to be attracted to the other side of the spectrum. "It may be that it's the danger thrill," suggested one professor from George Mason University in Fairfax, Virginia. "For some reason danger has always attracted humans living in all corners of the globe." As is widely known, drugs can cause all sort of damage to users and those around them. Many drugs, as they act on the brain, wind up causing brain damage over time. Even something as "tame" as marijuana, which many are still trying to get legalized, will eat away the human mind. However, the users many of the surveyed Americans are attracted to are doing much harder drugs, including heroin, crack, and the aforementioned Bliss, a variant off Ecstasy and cocaine that was designed by the infamous Eco-Villain Verminous Skumm. Washingtonians may recall how thirteen years ago Skumm attempted a sort of coup to take over the world by getting everyone addicted to his designer drug. Fortunately, Captain Planet and the Planeteers intervened before the drug could spread much farther than Washington, D.C., the city in which it was first released. Politicians are already responding to the survey results, promising legislation mandating things such as school programs stressing how using drugs is harmful and could lead to one's death, either long term or by overdosing. |
| Past Editions: October 16, 2003 |