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Beautiful... magnificent... exquisite... these are some of the words that have been used to describe real diamonds, but the truth is that diamonds are just carbon mushed up really hard. We knew we could mush stuff up really hard, so our laboratories were created with one mission in mind: Design classic jewelry with scientific-type stuff to make massive profits. Perfectness from the laboratory. We named our gemstones Diamond-ish™, because as Fake Stuff Quarterly puts it, "they're kind of like diamonds, if you don't look too closely." We insisted that our scientists reproduce the look of a natural diamond. And it wasn't easy, believe us. "Let us go home," they said. "We're tired, it's been 72 hours straight," they said. "We want to see our families. Can we eat now?" But a few days later, we had our scientific marvel. We will not bore you with the unbelievable details of our extremely scientificalprocess, but will only say that it does not involve burning entire third-world villages, slaughtering puppies, or harvesting the blood of innocents, as some of our competitors have alleged. Nor have we made a demonic pact with Satan to give our gemstones extra luster. None of these allegations have been proven in a court of law. Frankly, each time we see a Diamond-ish™ gem, we have difficulty believing the result ourselves. But we've interrogated our scientists multiple times, and we can assure you -- these gems are for real. Well, they're not really real. Really fake. Fakely real. Ah, forget it. We asked one hundred experienced diamond appraisers if they could tell apart a real diamond and a Diamond-ish™ gem. Of the eleven that returned our calls, over half did not notice any difference. Then, when we gave them their appraising tools back, three still couldn't tell the gems apart! |
The 4 C's. Diamonds are judged by four specifications: color, clarity, cut, and carat weight. We judge Diamond-ish™ stones by the same rigorous standards. Color -- What color is the gem? You have our personal guarantee that each gemstone has a color. (Please allow us to choose the shade of Magic Marker we use.) Clarity -- Can you see the gem? We further guarantee that our product is never invisible. If you can't see your Diamond-ish™, you'll get a full refund (redeemable in our valuable coupons). Cut -- We use the radiant cut known as the "Radiant Cut." 4 out of 5 jewellers rank it "somewhat fancy" to "very fancy." (Not an official poll. Survey sample of 3 jewellers.) Carat Weight -- Can't say as we're too sure what this means, but rest assured, our gems have it -- and it's the best carat weight you'll ever experience.  Above: Some of our amazingly fancy and terrific and outstanding and marvelous selections. We employ talented jewelry designers to cut, slash, and maim your gems into the most exquisite shapes. Once you've worn one, you'll understand why it's practically almost sort of like a diamond in almost every way. | Rock solid guarantee. Every Diamond-ish™ stone is mounted in ultra-super-classy PlatinumEsque™, a realistic(™) metal substitute product. (WARNING: May cause blistering, hair loss, bleeding, or sudden death in some users.) This extremely beautiful setting can boost the fancy-ness of your gems by up to 50%! (This claim not verified.) Try the Diamond-ish™ gemstones risk-free for 30 days. If for any reason you are not satisfied with your purchase or you experience any defects in the stones, please just return it to us at no additional charge*. That's right, if you're not satisfied with our gems you can send them back for free. That's our iron-clad guarantee. (*NY residents pay $19.95 shipping.) If you prefer something less perfect and amazing and wonderful and fantastic, you could buy a natural low quality diamond like many jewelry stores offer and pay much more. And we'll laugh at you. Seriously, we'll follow you around and say, "Hey, look at the idiot who spent much more on low quality diamonds! Ha ha!" Don't think that we won't. Not Available In Stores Call now to take advantage of this limited offer. 3-Stone Necklace (1.58 ctw) $99.95 3-Stone Earrings (3.16 ctw) $99.95 El Bracelet Supremo (12,559.48 ctw) $99.95 (Not pictured) Special offer! This bracelet features a whopping two pounds of our most perfect gems. Real classy and stuff. 800-947-FAKE Promotional Code IB4225-06 |
