CANADA
Did you know that there's an exciting, vibrant country right across the border? If you're looking for a unique culture, exotic experiences, and seductive, sun-kissed beaches... Wait, no. We're thinking of Mexico.
But there are plenty of good reasons to visit Canada, too! Sure! They've got that... thing you like, right? With the... stuff? Well, never mind. This helpful guide will assist you in your visit to our friendly "Neighbor To The North".
Many people feel intimidated crossing the border. The uniformed guards at Customs can be scary, but you really have nothing to fear. They're actually a fun-loving bunch who love a good joke. Try some of these icebreakers to make new friends:
- Bringing in anything illegal? No, nothing but these plastic explosives and cocaine!
- Say, do they give you guys smallpox vaccinations? No, just curious.
- Checking the trunk, I see. Well, make sure you don't touch the blue wire...
- �La policía! �La policía! �Vaminos!
Be cooperative. Customs agents need space to work in, so jump out of your car and run when they open the door. Better yet, make sure all of your passengers are naked, to facilitate cavity searches.
If driving isn't for you, consider a ferry. There's a wide variety of water-based ways to Canada for all budgets and tastes.
- Uncle Clancy's Boat Cruises. Cross the bay the fun way with Uncle Clancy's. This converted fishing trawler has two observation decks and complimentary snacks. Be ready for an adventure -- the captain might just ask you to take the helm! Bring a raincoat -- you will get wet! 4 Main St., Wangville, NY, near the bait shop. Follow the green signs. [$40. Cash, check, credit/debit card.]
- Two Shifty-Looking Guys With A Speedboat. Cross the bay the cheap way with two shifty-looking guys. This speedboat has lots of unmarked boxes and no registration. Be ready for an adventure -- one of the guys might just ask you to hold a mysterious package! Bring a Kevlar vest -- you will get shot at by the Coast Guard! 103 Main St., Wangville, NY, near the abandoned warehouses. Follow the trail of white powder and small plastic bags. [$10. Unmarked bills.]
Culture shock is always a problem when visiting other nations. You may feel uncomfortable because of the differences, but don't be afraid to try what their culture has to offer, no matter how exotic. You won't see what Canada really is until you get out and explore!
It may take some getting used to, but Canadian culture is rewarding for the visitor. In one day, I went to a "hockey match", tried "maple syrup", and "went for a walk"! In the end, you will be glad that you had these unique experiences.
My fiancée Julie and I went to the capital city of Ottawa last January to see the natives. Everyone was gathered in an arena watching some kind of ritual on the ice. "Greetings," I said to one of them. "Is this some kind of ceremony you natives perform to bring rain? Where are the village elders? I am from America, and I am not familiar with your ways."
He turned to me and said, "It's a curling match, you moron. And why are you calling us 'natives'? It's very condescending."
He was holding a box of some food and eating from it. "Is that some delicacy prepared by your womenfolk?" I asked. "Are you celebrating the harvest?"
Shaking his head, he said, "You need help," and walked away. I was touched that he was willing to help me -- a complete stranger. It proved the lesson I had learned in China and Africa -- that through a superior attitude and impolite behavior, a backpacker can learn a lot about the world.
--Jim Smith. Excerpted from Lonesome Planet: Canada
The open-minded and adventurous traveler will be rewarded by Canadian cuisine. Start your day off right with pancakes or a doughnut, filling local favorites. If you have a less than hearty appetite, you might prefer a bowl of cereal, traditionally eaten with milk. Another popular food is the sandwich, a simple meal of meat and possibly cheese between slices of bread. Wash your meal down with a refreshing glass of juice, available at most Canadian stores, or stores.
Restaurant chains offer an inexpensive way to sample Canadian delicacies. Among the more popular are Tim Horton's, Tim Horton's, and Tim Horton's Express.
Canada and the United States are closer than ever, but they have had their differences in the past. One frequent complaint of Canadians is that the United States has been condescending to Canada.
Canada has its very own government, called Parliament. They can make laws all by themselves. It was the cutest thing -- they asked Britain if they could govern themselves. And they've done a super job with it, too. Keep up the good work, champs! I think someone deserves a sticker...
The GST, or Goods and Services Tax, charges an extra percentage on most of the items you buy in Canada. Visitors to the country often ask how they can get their money back. In fact, a tourist can avoid paying the tax altogether by shoplifting all their purchases.
It pays to learn a little about the local currency before visiting to avoid getting scammed. Consider robbing an exchange post near the border to familiarize yourself with the different denominations.
- Canadian Music.
- Do not run.
- Notice the type of attack. Are they screaming? Waving their arms wildly? Blowing cigarette smoke in your face? Making obscene gestures?
- Do not attempt to reply in French. This will only cause more anger over your horrible mispronunciations.
- Make quick, sharp jabs to the eyes or gills. Okay, scratch that one. That's how to fend off a shark. Sorry.
- Back away, nodding sympathetically. People confronted by raving store owners or hotel concierges in Quebec agree that this method gives the greatest chance for survival.
As a tourist, you're looking for fun and excitement -- an enriching, unique experience that you can share with family and friends. You want to see exotic places and meet fascinating people. But when you're finished with all that, why not stop by Canada for a while? Besides, they don't bleep out the swearing on their shows. Dude, I swear it's true, my friend told me.
