After 5 births, 4 weddings, numerous prayers and not a little luck we have come out the other end with cirrhosis of the liver, kidney failure, alchoholic poisoning, insomnia, gambling addictions, copious sunburn, light wallet syndrome, aching backs, dodgy shoulders, questionable handicaps and great friendships. 10 years of drinking, fighting, loving, an odd birdie here and there, a good soaking every now and again and a little bit of golf has seen us come up for air reasonably intact, a lot older but certainly no wiser. Two things that have been learn�t in this time is the importance of good friendships and how to keep expanding the tour and to make more money every year � surely the only tour without an overdraft in the history of golf societies.
Thankfully the committee had the foresight to keep records all this time, whilst not complete there is enough data to provide an insight into some of those historical outings:-
1997 - 2nd Prize for winning the Weekly prize saw the winner make off with a massive �3 in Punts
Only 7 made it for that first week, the numbers peaked around 2002 for our visit to Westport
There was a general upward trend in scores for the first six years which peaked with Joe Garafolo�s record in 2003 and which has resulted in a decline every year since
El Presidente�s win in the weekly event last year makes him the first to win any event three times, unfortunately as we target a profit every year he will not be keeping this most valuable of trophies
Tony Morton�s win in the Weekend event makes him the first 28 handicap winner of any competition!
Chris Seal�s win in the Par 3 event now means that in two Par 3, 8 Weekend and 10 Weekly competitions 6 out of 20 winners live outside of the Emerald Isle.
10 years of the annual tour has seen the local economy in and around Ballinrobe benefit to the tune of circa 170,000 Euros to date
In the 8 years of the Weekend Competition there have been 33 different players to date � two winners have not been from Dublin!
So what about the members themselves
1. Chris Seal�s golf has improved no end since he decided that the sofa was no good for his back and maybe the marital bed wasn�t so bad after all � for those in need Chris is available for relationship counselling for a small fee in the front bar of Flannery�s in Cornmarket
2. John Walsh needs to play more golf. Having succeeded in bringing the population of Ireland back to 5 million on his own he now needs a break. John�s ridiculous handicap of 16 needs to be sorted. The man can outdrive tiger on his day and his iron play is as good as Ernies. Then again when you putt like Mr Bean having a fit���
3. Tony Hogan plays his golf the way he earns his living, health and safety first with one eye always on the risk except for the pool table where he is an absolute animal. A good man when poker is being played � somehow manages to come out quids up all the time
4. Chris Hogan � chalk and cheese, is he really related to Tony? His approach to golf can best be summed up by a pitching wedge for anything less than 250 yards � never knows when to give up, would be the tour�s best golfer if it wasn�t for all those fucking trees
5. Our tallest member by far, Graham Bealing has grown in stature from last year. He certainly has his uses when it comes to hospitality as he is head and shoulders above everyone else. Comes in handy when we visit disreputable establishments such as the local cattle market when his bouncer intuition is really appreciated.
6. A regular contributor to the website, Pat Young has found his forte with the annual trip West. Previously known to clip culchies around the back of the neck with advice along the lines of �get back to your home ya miserable fucker� Pat has changed his tune since Marita got married. Has been known to get through more than his fair share of golf clubs and Chris� red wine � don�t mention Charlie Haughey!
7. The original car salesman, all style and mostly Arthur Daley, there is only one Ross Tucker. Still finding his feet, a nice quiet lad who could be alot of trouble next year. Has taken to the tour like a lamb to the slaughter � could he be a wolf in sheep�s clothing? Watch this space if you fancy a flutter
8. One of two golfing Dads on tour, Terry Taylor is everything our Graham is not � SHORT! Likes a laugh and a beer � just the one mind as we can�t understand his Rochdale lilt after two! One of our steadiest performers who has yet to miss a fairway, never going to be long but always straight � unlike his son!
9. Dermot Burke � Bandeedo, El Presidente, Fiddle Castro, Cupid Stunt, anything on the green is a gimme, Anna wears the trousers and we plead the 5th. The tour is only there to make his bleached highlights look good. Tight isn�t the word as the tour continues to make money every year. ProV1x my arse � isn�t he a Catholic!
10. Ready Steady Cook � our Mike Seal isn�t on tour to catch up on his beauty sleep. He runs his house as he would a battle cruiser, all porn and no religion. A follower of fashion he is not, a mover and shaker would be more his style or to put it more succinctly our Mike is WORLD CLASS. Let it be known he is a great observer of the female form - he can spot a dolly inside a seven iron, so EWE better watch your back
11. Chris Moran�s week can best be described as up and down, and his golf wasn�t too good either. Did Dermot have him nobbled? A storming start was good enough to see him lead most of the week and but for some dodgy dates(!) he might have come 2nd for a change which would have been a welcome relief for his nocturnal partner � by day 6 he was shagged out which showed in his poor technique and he was unable to get it up for the last day
12. Has suffered since he married Marita 12 years ago, it was all going well for our Captain until the Ball & Chain started flying in for the weekend! Not particularly good at anything he is OK at golf but useless at cards and drinking. Always open to new ideas and suggestions about moving the tour to warmer climes he steadfastly refuses to budge � typical Ballinrobe �woolly-back�. Has been known to undertake exercise on tour much to the embarrassment of the membership, surely his time on the committee is nearing an end.
13. Our prodigal son, Dave Kerr returned having taken time out to recover from his nuptials and to charm the locals with his broad Lancashire accent � good job they can�t understand him. Maybe his sabbatical had something to do with the fact that Karen�s karate chop left too many bruises. His golf this year suggested he had come out in sympathy with Chris
14. Having had cosmetic surgery Paddy Burke was not heard to mutter this year those immortal lines �did you see where it went?� while standing next to his ball. Disappointed that he failed to bring any girls to the party again, will need to buck up his ideas next year by getting in his accounts before the end of June. Just a word of advice � 10 pints of Guinness an hour isn�t good for your golf
15. The original Minnie Mee, Lee Taylor is surely destined for a bigger stage than Ballinrobe. Actor extraordinaire, surely the next James Bond as clearly his talents weren�t destined for the golf course. We know that Lee looks up to his Dad but then that applies to everybody he knows!
16. Mike Moore � Has suffered more than most in recent years since he started sharing a room with Mort � that would take it�s toll on the pope! His golf has suffered as a result of the enhanced aging process that he has embarked upon, the jury is still out on whether or nor the arrival of an heir will slow up or quicken that process (watch this space)
17. Tony Morton � Kaffir, Mort, Gooner - call him what you like but not early in the morning, he is not much better during the day and it�s not until the pubs open that you see the real Tony. Once met, never forgot, Tony leaves an impression on everybody although in Mike Moore�s case it can best be summarised by his former room mate immortal words � Jesus what�s that smell, did something die in here?
18. Tony G has tried to play off 18 for more years than we have been on tour. He recently succumbed when he went out to 19 but not being a regular golfer even that may not be enough � as Tony knows this society has more bandits than a John Wayne film. No one can accuse him of being on tour for the golf, at this rate he will be up for the post of Social Chairperson
19. Eamonn is surely the biggest hitter on the tour and were it not for his part time friends from The Pale would surely have been in contention for the Weekly prize on more than one occasion. As with his golf he puts everything into his drinking. May have a new set of Taylor Made irons by the summer so could be a real danger (to traffic)
20. Tom Walsh is our first and only representative from Cork so far, currently in the form of his life could well be a dark horse for this year�s Weekend competition. Of course Tom has to call home everyday to make sure he is allowed play golf that day and have a pint, Sandra has her spies!!
21. Joe G hasn�t been seen since he scored a record 53 points. Joe has hardly been seen since he left Nico�s after 105 years unbroken service, only Ya-Ya has worked there longer. By all accounts his handicap has tumbled since and he now has a real one!
22. Little Joe has been in the wars since we saw him last, is now playing off the red tees but only wears a skirt when the course rules require. Has been winning on the US tour recently so be warned if he does make his comeback this year. Joe spends 3 morning a week in the gym!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So it is possible that the strict society rules may not allow him to play.
23. Beardy has missed out the last couple of years following Ava�s arrival at just the wrong time of year. One of the biggest bandits on tour the weekends are always a little less eventful when he is not there � still playing off 16 you will need at least 40 points to win a day if he makes it this year. The only hope for the rest of us is that Joe is starting to show his age and is slowing down, he may require a buggy to play everyday.
24. Trooper is surely one of the most stylish golfers on tour, hasn�t made it for a few years but will take some beating if he makes it for a few days over the weekend. Tony is a free and easy single man and his plans to create a �Club 92� in Ballinrobe are in full swing. He is just waiting for the cheque from Corrigan Construction.
25. Johnny Mac is surely one of Kerry�s finest exponents of the art of keeping his handicap � only joking! One of the more consistent players he has previously threatened to make it onto the leaderboard. Unfortunately he has usually overplayed by the time he arrives on tour and is not fresh enough to launch a serious challenge on those of us with less time to golf.
A number of amateurs and one timers have come and gone including the following who all left their mark on the tour � obviously couldn�t keep up with the social drinking!
Tim Allen � USA, Vinny Brennan, Nick Aldridge � London, Vic White � PEI, Canada, Mario Garafolo � Dublin, Tom Moran � Ballinrobe, Padraig Moran - Oranmore, Mike Mansfield � Kent, England, Nick Mansfield � Kent, England, Sean Lloyd
Thanks all � hope to see you in another 10 years!