| A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: WW WA PP ATR. Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow" these gals really have it nice!! So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. "Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!" So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc. "Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button. When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off... confused he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane. The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button." |
| Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?" Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?" Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!" Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand. Yes, Sam?" says Mrs. Sampson. "Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye." "Very good, Sam. Thank you ." Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed." |
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| share some redneck slang with chat buddies! Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!" Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit." I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style." "This'll jar your preserves." Cute as a sack full of puppies." "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it." Gooder than grits." It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs." "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch." Wintery roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot." A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off." "When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count." "If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats." "A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering doo-doo on a marble floor." She's uglier than homemade soap." "Your momma's so fat, when she got on the scales to be weighed, it said 'To be continued'." He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down." Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits." "The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead" "I'm just about as welcome at my inlaws as a hair in a biscuit." |
| Little Adam comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?" Adam's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?" "Osama Bin Laden," Adam says. "Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock. "Well," Adam says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell every- one how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore." His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride. "Adam, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard." "I know," Adam says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the crap out of him." |
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| A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox.The little boy has to go to take a pee and he was told by his mother to always be politeand don't talk about private matters in public. At first he holds it in for a little while becausehe does not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So he turns to thelittle girl and says "Will you excuse me I have to go powder my nose".And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom. When he comes back the little girl looksup at him and asks "Did you powder your nose?" "Yes" said the little boy stepping back into thesandbox. "Well then" says the little girl, "You'd better close your purse because your lipstick is hanging out." |
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