I've shared so much in these thoughts, but some things went unmentioned. Maybe they were shadows beneath the surface, but it was always hard for me to feel. I had to be loved in this way and to feel this feeling that I can't describe or comprehend in order to finally deal with memories.

He will go unnamed in this. For one reason or another, the song "Amazing" by Point of Grace was his song to me. I met him in an email he sent me when my site was brand new, nearly two years ago. His email made me cry and I even put that in my first thought. His words were simple and sweet.

Over time we became closer and shared little bits more about our lives. I grew to care a great deal for him. I wrote songs for him and him alone. I hesitate to say I loved him, but I did...

Many events occurred in his life that made me fear for him. I cried for him, but I suppose I cried too much. Eventually he told me he had cancer. He just became worse and our communication became worse too. It was hard for me to play the brave front, so I kept drifting into denial. Our communication broke down, but a new friend of his tried to keep it going, up to the point where I received an email informing me this last summer that he had passed away. His friend said it in the same way he used to refer to it when he tried to get me to accept that he was dying.

My initial reaction was to change my whole perspective of him. I don't know if I was blind before or if I blinded myself afterwards. I perceived all my old memories and I saw that he was amusing me or himself much of the time, that he never cared about me the way I did about him. He had boyfriends and other people in his life. I was someone to talk to, someone to play make believe with. The world he shared with me was a world I had created through him, just by him knowing me. I started to believe that his friend was really him, that nothing was real. He just wanted out. For some reason, it was easier to believe he was lying to me and cared nothing for me than to believe he loved me but is dead. I'm still not sure what is real. But now that I am loved, I can at least let it out. Whatever becomes of my memories of who he really was, it will never change the fact that he was kind, wise, sweet, and made me feel... so much. He called me his "Star in the West". Where is he now? "What I find amazing; the love you gain is the love you gave..."