Joey has always listened to different music than me. the song "One" by U2 has meaning for my past and my present. I thought I knew who I was, but it was beyond me. I thought I had found myself, but it was never meant to be. Joey has shown me so much that was always there in front of me. I was blind, playing in the dark.

We first really met in an email he sent me. It's odd, because it didn't strike me the way the first email to make me cry did and I didn't feel him the way I did someone this last summer. I didn't even put two and two together when we met each other in real life. I received thousands of emails over time and I guess he got lost in my little world. We knew each other at school and became friends, but we didn't know what was inside each other. Well, Joey figured it out. He knew enough about me to know it was me and my site. So, he knew my thoughts. He knew me, perhaps better than I ever knew myself; better than anyone has known me. I never saw it. He's often shown me just how naive and blind I can be.

He loved me first. I never thought love could work that way, but maybe that's how it was working all along. I thought we had to connect right away, to be destined to be one, but they never worked out. We have free will. Some people think that makes us strong, but it makes us weak and fragile. We can't will ourselves out of hurt any more than we can will ourselves out of the plan of God.

As I spend more time with Joey, I feel more a part of him, my past a part of his past. I have never been this close to anyone before. I tell him everything and I can't imagine spending my life with anyone but him and him forever.

Sometimes I've run from him, been afraid of him, and hurt him... deeply. I ran from myself. I've been afraid of myself and I've hurt myself. I've been so blind about so many things in my life and ran from so much. I didn't think I could give my heart to anyone. God held my heart. I thought that meant it was locked away, safe, but I fell so much, hurt so much, hurt so many.

When I close my eyes and fall asleep, I see him in my dreams. He is always there and he's the first person I've wanted to wake up next to and watch him dream, just content to be near him. Actually, I did imagine feeling someone breathe... but it always hurt. I don't know why. Now I would give everything to have nothing left to give. I would give him my world to make it his. I would give him my heart to never hear the empty beat again. It hurts so much sometimes, but I could never give it up and I would do anything to hold onto it. I guess that's the way life goes, as we just have one.