written on Saturday May 1, 1999

People have expected me to be many things in my life.  Some are hopes and some are judgments based on what they've seen so far.  In some cases, I've tried to live up to the expectations of others, but in other cases, I've tried to live down to them.

I've always been an amiable person.  I go along with other people because I don't want to make anyone mad or rock the boat.  I also don't want to let people down or disappoint them, so sometimes when someone makes an assumption that's not true, I don't say anything.  I don't lie.  I just don't want to mess everything up.  Even in the case where I was accused of doing something that I didn't do, I went along with it.  I just quietly said I didn't do it, was assumed guilty, and went along with it.  That kind of amiable nature can be very dangerous.

Why do I do this to myself?  It's obviously not so people will think good things about me, because it works the other way around too.  It's like I just don't want to make people mad.  People are afraid of the unknown.  When you break up their assumptions or confuse them, they're afraid.  And, how do they defend their fear?  They lash out in anger.  I can't stand being around people who are angry.  I become terrified.  I can't even stand being angry myself because I'm too afraid.

If I could do things over again, I would still have been trusting, but I never would have been so submissive.  I need to finally stand for what is right and against what is wrong.  The expectations and desires of other people have held me back too much in my life, and left me too vulnerable and hurt.  I sometimes feel obligated to look young because that's what is expected of me.  I am who I am, just the way God made me.  I know the difference between right and wrong.  Even if some people don't, and have been so desensitized by exposure to the surrealism of graphic life, I have to all the more stand up.  Eternity isn't a time that never comes, it's the ongoing moment I'm in now.  I don't have forever on earth to do God's will.  I have a life beyond the expectations of others.  I have a life of potential.  God doesn't expect.  He gives and let's us choose.  He already knows...