I'm sure you’ve noticed by now that I have some animosity toward females, especially White women. Yet, how can I feel that way about "soccer moms" if they are responsible for all those cute blond soccer boys?

After my grandmother moved far enough away that she could no longer be my regular baby sitter, my mother cycled me through a series of women who, oddly, seemed to hate children. Once, when I was being watched in the basement of one church, I tried to leave to go see my parents upstairs. The angry woman in control of us kids grabbed me and yelled at me to look into her eyes as she told me never to defy her. All the hatred in her eyes made me frightened, so I looked everywhere around but in her eyes. Of course, this outraged her even more, as she thought that I was rolling my eyes at her. So, we all sat there, not allowed to play with toys, talk, or even use the restroom until our parents returned. Of course, I never made a judgment that all women were that way, as they certainly were not.

Throughout elementary school, just like most of the boys, I was indifferent to girls. They seemed annoying many times, but were otherwise busy in their own world, just as boys had their own world. I never had any friends that were girls. Well, I rarely ever had more than one friend at a time and never initiated the conversations which led to the friendship. After junior High, boys and girls took more of an interest in each other. Girls would even flirt with me, which I found incredibly embarrassing. They would then make fun of me when I didn’t respond. I just wanted them to leave me alone and I rarely spoke to anyone. Junior High changed my indifference toward girls in that I contemplated being a girl, just to be near the boys I had a crush on. It wasn’t until I had access to the internet that I contemplated the idea that I wasn’t the only boy who liked boys. I had tried to be attracted to girls, but the revulsion I felt in trying to think of them sexually just made me despise them and myself.

It was jealousy which first spawned my feelings against females. I’m either indifferent to girls or find them annoying, but teenage females or adult women are another matter. Naturally, because Joey is attracted to teenage girls, I don’t particularly like them. Jealousy is a common breeder of hatred. Just as I wanted to be a girl to be with a boy (and to wear all the colorful outfits they have with little animals and such), I want Joey’s attention. In the same way, I would really like to be able to be with boys, tell boys they’re cute, play with them, hug them, and do all the things women can do without being suspected of having evil motives (which all males and no females have in this society). jealousy feeds hatred for the simple reason that the strongest form of hatred is self hatred. If I want to be someone else, that says that I’m not content with who I am. If I’m really envious of someone else’s life, that says I despise at least part of my own. Yet we never have everything and the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, regardless of which side you live on. For example, many mothers are jealous of their sons friends because their sons tell their friends what they never tell her. She wants to be best friends with her boy.

Anger also adds fuel to hatred and resentment. Not all hatred stems from jealousy. Although many Americans want to think that hatred of America is based on jealousy, that isn’t necessarily the case. The Arab countries hate us for our support of Israel (their enemy) and other countries hate us because they see us as gluttons who arrogantly tell other countries what to do. In the same way, the double standard that "soccer moms" have created really upsets me. Also, the way the act superior and so demanding bothers me. Certainly they are not all that way, but these emotions are irrational and have a way of blinding a person. The key to overcoming them is through constructive debate of their views (and I admit I am not always constructive), disassociation of the subject (ie, being angry over views or actions rather than a group of people), and, most importantly, excepting myself and my life. It’s great to have goals and to want to better ourselves, but to sit around upset over how we can’t turn into our neighbor or take over his or her life is not very constructive. Fight for a cause, not for someone else’s life. After all, if you had it, you’d still be unhappy. If you can’t learn to accept yourself the way you are, then how would you learn to accept yourself if you were someone else? Don’t hate. Give everyone a chance. That’s a message for myself as much as anyone else.