"Let me help you with that knife in your back. Oh, where did this knife in my hand come from?" Put the knife down before you help me. It's so easy to claim to sympathize with someone, to feel his pain and to condemn those with selfish motives who betrayed and hurt him. Yet, understand your own motives before they betray you.

It used to be that wherever I'd go, middle aged men would turn their heads. Men attracted to teenage males seemed drawn by some pheromone I unwittingly gave off. It's something that just sounds so far fetched unless you see it for yourself. Joey found it remarkable how many there were when we were together. I began to understand, however, why a few of my teachers put up with teaching teenagers. When I began working (two and a half years ago), I became the virtual obsession of one employee. Yet, none of these men would consider themselves "gay". The only one who might is from the college I started attending last year. He is different from the others in that he tries to act like his attraction (ie, act like a teenager), whereas the other men see themselves as father figures and their feelings as "fatherly". Also, he takes care of himself, where the others tend to have really let themselves go.

A relationship between mentors (older men) and students (typically "coming of age") is, historically speaking, the most common form of homosexuality (see Homosexuality in History by Colin Spencer). These feelings seem to stir inside many men. I don't just encounter them in real life, I also encounter them online (although most of the people who email me are not these men). They always try to express how they were just like me. Then follows their instinct to "teach" me. The problem arises when I express views which are contrary to the father figure's teachings. They must correct my "naive" thinking. What infuriates them is if I break out of the innocent mold they and I (yes, I) created and express a far from "sweet" (ie, arrogant) desire and ability to "teach" them too. It would never occur to them to even consider my views if those views are contrary to theirs. They are the teachers. How dare the ignorant pupil speak out of turn. With the one at work, he became immediately disenchanted when I expressed wisdom beyond his and no desire to accept his views which "came from experience". "I've been doing this longer than you've been alive." Heaven forbid I should give these men advice, but don't "talk down" to people you feel are "beneath" you (younger, inexperienced, etc.). That doesn't mean you have to dumb yourself down. Just talk as though they are "up" on your level. You'll be surprised how much they know. Remember that, once out of school, many adults stop learning. Yet, at the same time, they feel superior. An ego is human nature. You'll find people will like you more if you talk to them as equals rather than inferiors. And, who knows, you might actually learn something.

These men may express their anger toward those other men who have betrayed my trust. They don't see themselves as selfish or anything like the people they hate any more than they see themselves as patronizing. "Oh, you did that all by yourself? How wonderful. Now I'll show you how us adults do it." They sincerely believe that they would never betray me, but they do. To be the friend they all want to be, they need to realize that those "fatherly" feelings are based on their infatuation with me. Their motives may seem entirely pure to them, but they're deluding themselves. If their desires to be my "friend" and teach me how the world works (ie, how to conform) were umpassionate, "blatant ignorance" (opposing views) wouldn't frustrate them to no end (in the words of Tim to Joey, "You're place is the school yard, not the adult world"). And, just as Tim, they never apologize, as they don't see that they did anything wrong. They wait for me to come crawling back to them, begging forgiveness and telling of the "lesson" I learned from defying them. The one at work stubbornly holds grudges, but lacks Tim's "wrath". Sadly, these men are not "friends" (although I wish some of them were). Those feelings don't lend well to friendship, as they are too selfish. It is human arrogance which makes them feel superior, not experience. "You're too young. Your goals are lofty. You'll eventually learn to fit in. My way is what everyone else wants." Just like Tim, they look down from their high horse on the "small minds" whose opinions don't matter in the face of their immense knowledge. Someone can only deceive themselves for so long. Don't say you aren't like the others when you don't know your own heart. Know your motives and hidden desires or they will eventually betray us both (as they have). Yet, even with that betrayal, I feel sorry for these men. Throughout history, no marriage and no family could satisfy them. Nothing stirs their passion more than a young apprentice full of wonder and potential, just waiting to be molded. I let myself be that weak to fulfill a role that a part of me enjoyed. i wanted people to like me. Unfortunately, I made them love me.

This month's recommended reading:

Moral Panic by Philip Jenkins
Homosexuality in History by Colin Spencer
The Battle and the Backlash by David Hechler
Castrating the Church--Extinguishing the Male
News, etc.