I remember when I used to go outside every day to write. I would walk through the trees, sit on a rock, and smell the fresh air. Of all the places I've lived in my life, the last place, so far from everything, and so close to nature, was my second favorite place. It's right below the huge house by the beach. I felt closer to God. Somehow, perhaps the life around me, made me feel warm and connected. I was always content. I think... Well, I wasn't unhappy. The air is not so fresh here...

I used to spend every weekend outdoors and every night in my room listening to cds I'd created on my cd writer. It was comforting to listen to the tune and the lyrics. "I could live life never knowing the healing warmth of human touch, but I couldn't live without You," or so one song went. Christian music is always comforting... I also listened to a little secular music, even Britney Spears. It was for what a few of the songs said. I would listen to my little walkman, while it was still working. It got a lot of use out of it.

I think of the memories I've had and I... I start to cry... not because I want to go back. I do cherish those memories and hold those times close... but I'm content to leave them as memories. I was happy... sometimes... but I was alone... I remember what it was like to live before Joey. Every moment I'm away from him, I feel it. I managed just fine on my own. Didn't I? Have I become so dependent on him? Yes. I feel an empty feeling without him near... I feel... alone... Before... I was unaware and that ignorance kept me content. Now that I know... Now that I feel... Now that I love... I can never go back. I can't return to those days any more than I can think as a child again. No, I can't be a child again... and, even if I could... even if I forgot everything... If ignorance is bliss, bliss is a mediocre joy. I am dependent, but only in so much as I know the warmth and the feeling of having someone there for me... to love... and... to be loved by... I can't live alone again and I pray that I never will have to...

It's odd, because I'd let my parents move away without me rather than be far from Joey. Are these people... my parents, who I grew up with... somehow less vital to me? I spend a night in my own bed in my house with my parents, but I think of Joey. I spend days in his bed in his house with his parents and I think of Joey. So many memories... but they don't matter when I'm around him. When I'm with him, the best is not the childhood I "lost" or some sun-lit memory. The best is right then. I miss him... How can I live without him? How did I live without him? Those don't matter. All that matters is being with him... forever...