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The Purpose of Suffering
written February 11th-February 18th, 2004 We were young, happy, and in love. Joey put his arm around me as we walked down the hall between classes. He actually lifted me a little off the ground for a moment. Some of our classmates passed by. They thought that Joey was the coolest thing since the internet and they were all fawning for his attention. He drew people to him with his carefree laughter and confidence, but he gave all his attention to me. He was energetic and expressive. I rested my head on his shoulder and he gave me a kiss on the cheek. He tried to cheer me up and to make me feel as happy as he felt. I did feel that happy, just in a quiet, content way. We were happy and life was perfect. And then I woke up. This nocturnal fantasy is not unlike another dream I had a couple months earlier. We're always back in High School and Joey is the way I first perceived him to be. He was confident and my protector. He stood up for me. He was romantic. Yet, these aren't memories. They're dreams. I remember wanting to hold his hand at school. While that never became reality because we don't life in a perfect dream world, he was privately romantic. I used to mindlessly follow him everywhere. He would have to get my attention to tell me we had to go to separate classes. That's what I remember. It was only once I knew him well that I learned about all his problems and suffering. The night before one of these dreams, he told me what he remembered. He told me how he got me to wear better clothes. "It was embarrassing being around you." He explained that I looked like a dork. Those days of notes and kisses are gone for now. Some would say that it's a natural part of being together for a while, but it's not natural at all. It's supernatural. His feelings have been worn down not by time but by suffering. "To think this wasn't a curse is just ridiculous. It's unbelievable the herculean effort." He wakes up weak and struggles his way out of bed. "I just want a little health to be able to get out of bed and do things. That's not too much to ask." As he goes downstairs to be ridiculed by his family, he wishes he could do more. "I want to go out and have my own house and live my own life. When I do get a little energy, I have a strong motivation to go out and do something." He want's his own life, but "I don't have the energy to pack a suitcase. I can barely get out of bed. When I do have energy, I use it up trying to clean up the house." Downstairs, he eats what little food he's not hyper-allergic to. Later on, in his car, another inevitable problem that I can't afford to fix occurs (problems which mysteriously disapear whenever anyone else in his family drives his car) and he says, "There is a demon in here." "In the car?" I ask. "Not necessarily in this car, but over the house. I mean, this is just ridiculous! Maybe I need to go see a psychic or something to get rid of it." This came from Joey, who used to find such beliefs ridiculous and "irrational" when I had them. He pulls out of the driveway as a neighbor gives him a dirty look after again spitting and throwing garbage on his family's property. "I guess everyone in the neighborhood doesn't like us. Why? Why do the neighbors hate us to much?" As he drives off in a car that is literally falling apart, Joey lists off the things he can't afford to replace and says sarcastically, "We certainly are blessed!" As Joey ponders about life, a car almost rear ends him, making him pause for only a second. "What do you think the purpose of all this is? Other than to make me bitter, agnostic--Don't hit me in the back, damn you!--bitter and moody?" He's in a catch 22. He can't make money until he's healthy and he can't make himself healthy without the money. I've stopped going to college so that I can have more time to work to buy food and he won't suffer quite as much. In Joey's car, we're going to my work. In life, we are going nowhere. The word "damn" has now become part of his regular vocabulary. No, this is not the Joey of my dreams. "Damn it! Why are we so damned? It's so frustrating. You're supposed to be a holy church boy. What's the answer?" The purpose of suffering is a difficult concept to tackle. Insects are drawn to Joey like a magnet. It's sometimes frightening, but it seems part of nature for them to be drawn to people with low immune systems or high stress hormones. A few days ago, after a morning where Joey hit his already swollen and bleeding toe that hasn't had a chance to heal for years and after having another night of sleeplessness and weak muscles making his body loose control, he said in a profound voice, "Thou shall be cursed. Thou shall feel my wrath." There are several possibilities for why he is suffering. One could be punishment (ie, God's wrath). "Religious people out there would say, 'You're doing something wrong.' The fact is I'm not. I haven't done anything wrong. If I were doing something pure evil--going around burning down churches, smoking my big cigar and saying, 'I have everything I need. Whahaha. Look at those peasants down there.'--Then I could say I deserve it. But no, I didn't do anything. I spent my entire life with problems--wanting something and just still wanting it." No, if God is just, then it's not punishment. Why punish someone for being born or for trying to make something of his life? In the Bible, Job was blameless in God's eyes, but he was made to suffer immensely. Instead Job suffered because Satan claimed that Job was only loyal to God because God blessed his life. So, after a lot of death, loss, and suffering, God proved Satan wrong. If this is God testing us, we're obviously failing. Unfortunately, the test goes on until we either pass or die. God never tells Job directly why he is made to suffer over all others. He instead proves what Job already knew; that His wisdom is far beyond human comprehension and Job shouldn't question what he can't possibly understand the answer to. So, instead of trying to understand an infinite mind, it's easier to look at what the suffering that I constantly pray to understand is doing to our lives. "What we've gone through is incredible, this hell we've gone through. What is hell like if this is life? That's what I want to know." What Suffering Has Done: It has made Joey bitter and frustrated. "This is such a high stress life. I mean, damn. If I were healthy, then I could handle it, but I've been incapacitated. It's like trying to make it up a hill in a wheelchair." Suffering has inhibited Joey's naturally optimistic nature. "Things will work out perfectly as they have already done so. Everything is going according to the plan for our lives." (Joey, from when we first met) Despite all the immense hardships Joey had to endure before he met me, he was still spunky and carefree when I met him. Yet, as circumstances have steadily worn him down and as his energy levels have continued to decline, he wavers from impassioned cursing to just not caring. "It's so unbelievably tough. Why? I want to know why. I keep coming close to starting to feel better then always something is thrown in the way and I have to start all over." When my parents couldn't afford to give me anything for Christmas or help out with my financial woes, Joey's response was this: "That's why, if I get rich, I'm not going to give anything to your parents. They can rot in hell. We're here suffering and they say they're poor and 'bless you.' It's like a guy on the street asking for money to buy food and they hand him a Bible tract. He throws it in their face and says, 'What am I supposed to do with this? Eat it?'" Last year, on the fourth of July, Joey wanted to see fireworks and do things, but he couldn't. Other people could but decided not to, like a man saying that he just "did nothing." He could but didn't want to when Joey couldn't but desperately wanted to. He sees people wasting what they have, from health to wealth. Joey would use it to write and be productive. Those people who have money or health don't have the creativity or motivation to use it and it is that irony that makes him all the more bitter. He used to listen to music all the time. Now nothing can bring back the feelings he once felt. "I used to feel a lot of emotions. Now I don't care. What a wonderful, graceful state I'm in." His humor has been replaced with biting sarcasm. He used to be happy. Albeit he's had problems the entire time I've known him, he used to get excited over toys or games or even spending some time with me. Over time that's declined and that's a change that makes the suffering all the harder to bear. It has made Joey more liberal. Some people have views that sway on their own. Others, like Joey with his dominant personality, need to be forced to change. Obviously, it's hard to be for conservative ideals when you're poor. A more liberal and compassionate approach to helping people becomes appealing. Of course, Bush's over spending of money he doesn't have is appalling from any political view. Joey can't take up the conservative mantra and say, "Lazy bums, they should get a job." Perhaps they too have a good reason why they can't work. Perhaps they wish they could. It's also hard to be for harsher punishments or more censorship. He used to be very conservative for the same reason I was: Our parents are conservative. That's not to say that he follows any party line. Joey is far too independent for that. At least becoming more liberal is a change that easier to accept. It has made Joey question his faith. "Is it that I'm damned; chosen to be damned? It has made me question everything I once believed in, [like] my faith, Christianity, good God. If God is so good, why does he let this happen? And why to me? I don't understand this. If this is done for our protection, then I understand that, but if it's just done to keep us down, then a great force for evil is at work, not a great force for good." He used to talk often about faith and he would listen to preachers and Christian teachers. "I don't believe anything preachers say anymore." When he did recently randomly come across a preacher on the radio and listen to him for a bit, he came within an inch of another car accident, both being hit from behind and hitting someone in front of him. "I guess that's a sign we shouldn't be listening to this," was his conclusion. Perhaps it's all the unanswered prayers. "Let us pray for good fortune and health. It's kind of like going to the lottery. We keep trying and just loosing money. Maybe we should pray for bad health and to be non productive. Maybe that would help. No, I understand that if I personally don't make things change, nothing will change." Or, perhaps it's the simple fact that we are suffering and it doesn't seem fair. "We're not doing bad things. We're not robbing banks or hurting people. I say it's unfair. We're not making people suffer. You would think that people who do evil would get their punishment." Justice, it seems, only comes in the afterlife. Though, his response is, "People that lack things in this life say that. People who say that are just leading horrible lives. Because, 'Enjoying yourself is sinful. Those people that are having fun are the damned.' But really, if that was the case, then this life really wouldn't be that important. There wouldn't be any Mozart or whatever. Clearly this life does matter. How much? I don't know. The Christians believe this world doesn't matter and the extremists think only this life matters. That's why Conservative Christian men don't enjoy life or take care of themselves." Yet, Joey asks, "Is a Christian really going to win over new Christians by saying there will be all kinds of suffering and trials? They'd say, 'I don't need that! I'll go back to my pagan lifestyle. I'll have sex and indulge in chocolate, thank you very much!'" It's hard to fully understand what would make someone question his faith if you are not directly witnessing or experiencing it. "If you weren't involved--if you were out there in the internet, you would tell me to just pray. I would tell you to shove it up your... People out there just don't understand." There was a man recently who won the lottery. He was walking to the store from which he bought his winning ticket when he was struck by a car. He wanted to use the money to buy a car so that he wouldn't have to walk everywhere. He was poor and suffering. Once he finally thought his luck had changed, cruel irony set in. As Joey said sarcastically, "Everything happens for a reason. Maybe he was a bad man." Joey has now come to believe that there are certain people who are better suited for the kind of Christian "lifestyle" that Joey's father or my parents follow. "It just seems that there is a certain kind of individual who will go for a Christian lifestyle." He describes them as not passionate, creative, or artistic. His examples include his father or the population of the "Bible Belt", where he sees a biological influence to being Christian. "I always felt tense trying to block sinful thoughts--always alert and tense." Different people react differently to a structured belief. "Just like you--you like bright colors. You could be happy watching ABC Family or something like that. That's part of your personality, but what if someone likes the color black? They wouldn't be content with family shows. Eventually they'd want to see a horror movie or something." As he says, I am more submissive than he is. I'm easily humbled, which is an important trait for keeping faith in a supreme being. After loosing everything from his wealth to his children and family, Job says simply, "The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." (Job 1:21) Joey's reaction is quite different: "If God took my son away, I would be angry at Him. I'd be cursing and swearing. I wouldn't be all, 'Praise be to God. Oh well.'" After all, Job was given back some children once God's test was over, but not the same children. They were still dead. Recently, I confessed to Joey that I've contemplated stealing a little money from work or a little food from the grocery store. "Oh, I've thought about that, but not petty things like that. I've thought about robbing banks. If it were the banks money then it would be ok, but it's not. It's people's money. It wouldn't be right because they'd end up in the same situation as us." Suffering has even made morality a luxury, but a luxury we must afford. "That's not to say there's no place for morality or faith. Everything must be taken in moderation. Too much vegetables or protein and I feel tired. That goes for everything, even faith. You can not ignore it, but you can't become obsessed with it, or else it can be just as destructive. Like I said I would never go in a church again, but I'm sure I will in ten years. Like I feel better then, I'll go in, 'Ok, all is forgiven!'" Our faith has been tested and, it seems, our faith may not be strong enough. "If I didn't think that things were going to get better, I'd just shoot myself. I mean, who would want to put up with this suffering? Is this chastisement or preparation for the hereafter?" Recently, when things were starting to look up, he attributed the change to the fact that he had been starting to question God. "I'm not going to sit around waiting for a miracle. I'm sick of it. I'm god-damned sick of it! You're not to that point yet. Give it another year, year and a half, then you'll be to the point I'm at." As he says, "I'm not going to be like Abraham." Abraham had to wait until he was an old man to have the son that he was promised years and years earlier and then, once he did have his son Isaac, he was told to go sacrifice him. Right before the butchering, God said He was just testing him. Apparently, God wanted people who are not only willing to pillage and slaughter strangers in His name, but also someone who was willing to kill his own son because God told him to. If God hadn't been testing him, would it have been the same testament to Abraham's faith? Yes. It just would have been a slightly different testament to God's love in the Old Testament. What Suffering Hasn't Done: It hasn't broken Joey's will. "Maybe all this is happening to break my will. But I don't think my will can ever be broken. If someone strikes me and says, 'Stay in your place,' I fight back. You, you're easily influenced. I have an incredibly strong will. You can be broken, but I can't. That's who I am." Even when it comes down to his will versus God's will, he fights back. "If it's to make me weak, it's not working. I'm the type that fights back." When it seems that everything that can go wrong does go wrong the moment we hope for more, it's easier just to put up with what we have than to desire more and risk a greater curse. "I'm going to say what I want. I'm not going to run around going, 'Where's wood? I need to knock on wood.' I'm sick of it. I'm not going to live in fear." Even fear of God. Indeed, if God intended to break Joey's will, He has failed. Since God doesn't fail, either it's not His purpose for Joey's suffering or we have a long way to go. If anything, suffering has made Joey's ego even bigger. "I must try and remember that God sees every man on the same plane. God is not a respector of persons. The Bible teaches that, and so I should not try and think of myself any better than the people around me. This powerful, weak person has been humbled too many times to think any different. I am mortal..." That was four years ago, back when he was still Conservative. "I wanted him to be elected. It always comes back to haunt me." Joey said this a few times recently because four years ago he was praying for Bush to become president. Then he became liberal. So, I asked him, "You think that you caused Bush to be elected?" Apparently his only answered prayers are ones he regrets. "Of course. The world revolves around me. I'm the most important person in the world right now. It would be foolish to think otherwise. Look at all the attention I'm getting. What other person is so persecuted?" And Joey sees nothing wrong with being aware of his importance. "My father, just like every good Christian, doesn't like anyone to have any pride, even though if you don't have any pride, you have no self worth. My pride is what gives me the strength to get out of bed. Everyone wants everyone else to be weak and humble, but they don't want to be weak and humble themselves. The thing is, you don't want anyone to be weak and humble who's in charge, in a leader position." Joey could and possibly will be that leader one day. He has the ideas and the motivation necessary to change the world. Perhaps the world is simply not ready yet. It seems nothing less than all that he has been though would keep Joey down. It hasn't separated us. It has made things rough though. "It's hard to focus on you when I have to focus on myself and solve my own problems. I'm still waiting for that big miracle. I just want to end it all. If it wasn't for you being here, I'd have ended it all a long time ago." It always seemed so obvious that we were deliberately brought together. Perhaps I'm here to help Joey through his suffering. So, then why make me suffer for being here with him? "What did I do to deserve it? Nothing. What did you do to deserve it? You're here with me." He occasionally brings up the idea that I wouldn't be suffering if I weren't with him. I could lead a productive life. My mother think's Joey's a bad influence on me and his parents think the same of me. People see what's happening to me by being close to Joey, yet Joey never gave up on me and I will never give up on him. I won't abandon Joey, even if God Himself said to me, "You must leave him to suffer and die. I have a plan for you and you alone." As Joey said to me, "If you weren't here, I would have killed myself already. I wouldn't have been able to handle it on my own. Talk about the burden that's on me. Such a burden." I may not be able to take that burden from him, but I will always be there to help him carry it. I wish I could tell Joey why he's suffering, but I moreso wish I could make the suffering stop. I want the Joey of my dreams and I believe he's in there somewhere. Perhaps that's selfish, but I only experience a hint of what Joey has to go through and I can't stand to see him suffer. Even if he doesn't become the perfect Joey of my dreams, he will finally be able to live the life he really is meant to live. Who am I to say what he's mean for; that he's not simply mean to suffer? I'm the one who loves him. The whole world may despise and reject him, but I will always be there for him. Sometimes it just seems like God is on the side of the rest of the world. When everything looks bleak and each day is worse than the last, it's easy to loose faith and become bitter. When you're suffering, it's tempting to just give up on God because it seems as though He's just in your life to make you suffer. But there is a purpose in everything, even suffering. I just don't know what it is... yet. |