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An Unfair Love
written January 19th-March 18th, 2004 This morning, Joey walked downstairs and went into the bathroom to take his shower. However, his brother awoke and decided that he wanted to take a shower. Although Joey typically takes a five to ten minute shower and his brother can't seem to take less than an hour even if he's running late, Joey's mother yelled until Joey came out. "Get out Joey! He wants to go in!" she yelled, adding, "Don't take a shower upstairs. I'll push you out!" So, even taking a shower in the small bathroom upstairs in the twenty minutes before his brother started the water was out of the question. Frustrated, Joey went upstairs and went into the upstairs bathroom to wash his face. Suddenly his mother began pounding on the upstairs bathroom door as though attempting to break it down and shouted, "Get out!" "What?!" Joey yelled back. "I'm just washing my face!" As his mother continued yelling and pounding, Joey reluctantly retreated. To prevent Joey from using the bathroom upstairs while his brother prepared to take his shower, his mother remained in there. Once his brother's shower began, any effect Joey made on his brother's source of hot water would get Joey in serious trouble once his brother finished his shower and informed their parents of his brief discomfort under the water. So, Joey went back downstairs while his mother secured the upstairs bathroom. Unfortunately, Joey's mother grew impatient herself and stomped downstairs. She arrived to see Joey cooking breakfast in the kitchen. So, she reminded him that she needed to cook for his brother. As Joey finished, his mother cooked breakfast for his brother and continued her usual morning routine. That typically includes ironing clothes for him, reminding his father to pick up lunch and bring it for him, giving him a card in case he needs to fill up gas, and watching him drive off in a second car they bought him. On a previous day, Joey had to wait over two hours to take his shower. When his brother finally emerged, their father (thinking of the hot water bill) asked why he took so long. Their mother blurted out, "It's because Joey was playing with the water!" Joey's brother looked puzzled at first, then quickly caught on and agreed wholeheartedly. Joey pointed out to his mother that he wasn't even upstairs to use the hot water without her seeing. Needless to say, his brother stood there laughing as their mother yelled at Joey. And then, when Joey did take just over eight minutes in his shower, she yelled at him not to use up all the hot water. Later, even when his brother was not using the bathroom, but might after he was done talking on the phone, his mother wouldn't let him use the bathroom. Eventually, Joey was forced to sell one of his few possessions to his brother for half what I paid when I bought it for Joey to afford to buy food. Since their parents buy Joey's brother food, he spends hundreds of dollars a week just on DVDs. Joey's brother even plans to buy a new plasma big screen tv with all his excess money. He has no plans to buy a car or save up to move out. He has his health and everything he needs. What is wrong with this picture? One brother is favored over the other. His parents buy him food, cook for him, pay for him to eat out, bought him a new computer but won't buy one for Joey, pay for his car and--when it broke down--another car, pay for gas, wash and iron his clothes for him, wash his dirty dishes, and let him go where he wants without much upset because he's "the good son." Yet, what does Joey's brother do with this favoritism? He uses it to stir up trouble and try to get his parents to hate his younger brother Joey so that they will think better of their firstborn son. Yet, Joey has suffered with health problems his entire life and can't work. I have to pay for his food because his parents won't help even when he's starving, he cooks, he wash his own dishes so that his mother won't get angry, I pay Joey's car payments, pay for gas, he washes and takes care of his own clothes, yet Joey is yelled at and insulted. He has been called countless names by his brother and everything from " liar" to "stupid" by his own mother when he was neither but his brother was the former and, sadly, his mother the latter. Joey is forced to go places and do things when his brother can do whatever he pleases. He so desperately wants to leave, but he can't until his health improves and luck changes. "The house is getting messier and messier, " he says. "I just want to leave it there and let them bury themselves." His brother continues to collect things that he doesn't have the room for. The hallway, stairs, living room, garage, back deck, and even Joey's room are filled with things that Joey's brother can't fit in his room. There are shelves of DVDs in the hall and a seemingly endless amount of clothes hanging from the back of the stairs and the stair railing. There are boxes full of old toys and games piled everywhere inside and outside of the house. There are piles of old equipment from stereos to an extra big screen tv. There are literally piles of garbage everywhere, from empty packages from fast food places to old papers and plastic bags. It really is overwhelming to see and Joey wonders if the mess is contributing to his and his dog's health problems. Ironically, the brother with endless possessions and money to burn is the one freely given more money. So, why is one son beloved and the other (literally) cursed? I've heard many mothers on television and even in real life explain how they love their children all equally. Yet, beyond words, I've never seen this. I wonder sometimes who would be favored if I had a sibling. My grandmother says flat out that she loves me more than my cousin because, "You're my first grandson." In the same way, she tells her daughter (my mother) how she loves her more because, "I chose you." You see, my mother was adopted and then (surprise!) suddenly my grandmother was able to have a child of her own. To Balance things out, my mother's father loved her sister more and scorned and teased my mother even into her adulthood. She still feels hurt by her father's words even now that he's dead. Even at work, I see a mother speaking gently to one child and yelling at her other, even when her favored has become a spoiled brat. In one instance--were I a braver person--I would have said, "If you really hate your son that much, I'll take him!" But what makes one child a favorite? It's not always firstborn or youngest, after all. There are many factors that lead to favoritism. In Joey's case, the firstborn cleverly creates the illusion of being the good son. Still, this deceit wouldn't be enough were it not for their mother's initial feelings. You see, Joey and his mother are very similar. They are both passionate, easily frustrated, occasionally paranoid, and naturally dominant. So, they inevitably butt heads, just as Joey and I would if I were to have that "leader" personality as well. My grandmother favors me because I have always been calm and easy to get along with. She could take me on dates with her when I was four and her mature friends were shocked and impressed with how quiet and well behaved I was. My cousin, on the other hand, has always been full of energy and very rowdy. As for my mother and her sister, my grandmother and her biological daughter are again too similar and fight constantly. Their father favors the daughter that he actually had a role in creating, especially since his wife chose a girl with blond hair and blue eyes when he and his wife (and their biological daughter) have dark hair and eyes. Many times, it seems that we are unaware of the differences in how we treat our children. Joey and I plan to adopt someday when we have our own place and can afford to make ends meet. So, what if one child is cuter than the other, one is more like Joey or I in a good way or one is more like Joey or I in a bad way? Also, I prefer light hair and Joey prefers dark hair. I get along well with Joey and would with a little Joey, but he admits that he probably wouldn't get along well with himself. We can't choose who we love and Joey asks why people are expected to love or respect their family when they have no choice but to be with them. He has a choice to be with me. He might miss his family for a brief moment simply because he's become used to them, but he'd still leave in a heartbeat if he could. So, it's not a matter of forcing ourselves to love everyone (even our children) equally. It's a matter of treating everyone (including our own children) equally. We must be conscious of our feelings and favoritism so that we can consciously make an effort to treat everyone fairly. It's not unlike discrimination. Many times we're just not aware of it unless we see others doing it. Your words and actions can hurt or heal. Just make sure it's the latter every time with everyone. |