Subject:
Dear in christ,
Calvary greetings in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, I am former Mrs Mary
Rasaq obi, now Mrs Mary johnson, a widow to Late Sheik Mohammed Rasaq Obi, I am
72years old, I am now a new Christian convert, suffering from long time cancer
of the breast.
From all indications, my condition is really deteriorating and is quite obvious
that I may not live more than six months, because the cancer stage has gotten
to a very severe stage.
My late husband was killed during the Gulf war, and during the period of our
marriage we had a son who was also killed in a cold blood during the Gulf war.
My late husband was very wealthy and after his death, I inherited all his
business and wealth. My personal physician told me that I may not live for more
than six months and I am so scared about this. So, I now decided to divide part
of this wealth, by
contributing to the development of evangelism in Africa, America, Europe and
Asian Countries.
This mission which will no doubt be tasking had made me to
recenlty relocated to Nigeria, Africa where I live presently. I selected your
church after visiting the website for this purpose and prayed over it, I am
willing to donate the sum of $20.000,000.00 Million US Dollars [Wow!
Does she mean 20 QUADRILLION dollars? No, wait, that is a decimal point
directly after the 2-0, so it is merely 20 million with a redundant comma and
superfluous decimal point - bah, chicken feed and not worth my precious time
when other mugus offer so much more...] to your Church/Ministry for the
development of evangelism and also as aids for the less privileged around you.
Please note that, this fund is lying in a Security Company in Europe and the
company has branches, therefore my lawyer will file an immediate application
for the transfer of the money in the name of your ministry. Please, do not
reply me if you have the intention of using this fund for personal use other
than enhancement of evangelism.
Lastly, I want you/your ministry to be praying for me as
regards my entire life and my health because I have come to find out since my
spiritual birth lately that wealth acquisition without Jesus Christ in one's
life is vanity upon vanity. If you have to
die says the keep fit and I will give you the crown of life.
May the Grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, the love of God, and the sweet
fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you.
If your are interested do reach my Attorney.
His Particulars are:
Name :Barrister Charles Nwafe.(SAN)
Email: [email protected]
Phone:234- 80-34059422.
Thanks for your assistance
Yours in Christ,
Mrs Mary johnson.
Lagos,
Nigeria.
From:
To:
Subject:
What a pity you are of Christian faith and I cannot help you. My
Buddhist tenets only allow me to perform acts for fellow Buddhists.
If you were to convert to Buddhaism, however, I would gladly even fly over
immediately and help you. I fly around the world often teaching the Buddhist
principles of vegetarianism. As a wealthy person, I have plenty of time to help
the world but, nevertheless, I do not have time to waste on tasks that will not
benefit the world through Buddhaism.
See the light and become Buddhist and the path shall be open to you.
Ima Choad.
[See, my original intent was to get a fake conversion and make her (or the legal rep) be "one" with nature by getting a photo with an animal. As my first mark, I got impatient quickly and decided to go a different tack. In hindsight, I most likely could have held out but my naive eagerness got the better of me; oh well, it still worked out quite rewarding...]
From:
To:
Subject:
Mary,
I am sorry if I scared you off - it was actually quite uncharitable of me to
refuse to help you just because you have not been enlightened about the "true"
religion.
How can I help you? I presume that this matter is urgent and wish to help you
achieve your karmic point.
Just as the tiger crouches and the dragon hides, the godhead rises above the
hurdle, [...and so begins my slowly unravelling chain of
"profound" sayings which started off remotely intelligent and ended up
ingeniously unintelligible.]
Ima.
[Bam, straight back into the fray!]
From:
Subject:
Dear Ima,
Greetings in the name of our lord Jesus Christ.Amen!I am in receipt of your
mail and all you was clearly understood.
I am writing to intimate you that I will like you to use this funds to do God`s
work which is very important to man kind.
I am very weak of which I just managed to write you this mail.I have handed
over everything to my attorney of which I will like you to contact my attorney
on his new email address and other contact informations i will provide for you
below:
NAME:BARRISTER CHARLES NWAFE.
EMAIL: [email protected]
TEL:234-8034059422.
Please contact him today and make him know that I directed you to him so that
he can let you know the proceedures on how you will receive the funds.
Please pray for my health.
God Bless you.
Mrs Mary Johnson.
[A now pop off a quick letter to the "legal rep". If I did this again, now, I would have also sent another time-wasting message to Mary, Mary, quite cuntrary but no matter...]
From:
To:
Subject:
Hail and well met, Mr Nwafe:
I am emailling on behalf of Mary Johnson. I shall recap what she knows about
me, so you will see that I have an honest heart and am writing to help her out
of her unfortunate situation.
I am a devout Buddhist and run a charity in Los Angeles which tries to educate
people not to eat meat. It is called COQUE (Californian Office of Quelling
Enethical Eating). [The original premise was a rooster theme and
the typical cock jokes. I should have thought about the connection better and
spelt it without the 'ue' to make it more believable (I had the French
connection in my head but did not get the coque seemed to sound better at the
time).] We do quite well for ourselves and get donations from quite a
few movie moguls from Hollywood.
Anyway, please tell me what I can do to aid poor Mrs Johnson.
Hear from you soon,
Ima Choad.
PS: Am I understanding correctly that you are a Christian deacon as well as a
barrister? I am simply going off your email address; feel free to correct me if
I am wrong... [Try to rationally explain that, ya knob!]
From:
Subject:
Dear Ima Choad.
Thank you very much for your email and all you said was clearly understood.I
will like to inform you that I will need the following informations from you to
enable me proceed to the security company to front you as the rightful
beneficiary of the consignments containing the funds.
1.Your full name.
2.Your direct telephone and fax numbers.
3.Your direct physical contact address.
Furthermore, i will like you to know that this fund in question has been
concealed in consignments and deposited with a Security Company in Holland for
safe keep before the sudden illness of Mrs Mary.
Therefore i will like you to know that you might be required to travel down to
Holland to personally claim these consignments from the Security company into
your custody, so i will like you to start making preparations in earnest to go
over to Holland to meet with the security company officials to clear the
consignment with the certificate of deposit for the consignments, which i will
send to you later, this Certificate of Deposit that you will go with to Holland
to claim the Consignments will give you the Legal Backup to the claim of the
Consignments as the rightful owner.
However by tommorrow i will immediately go to the security company's affiliate
office here in my country to get enquiry on how you are going to recieve the
consignments over there in your country and consequence upon getting the
informations I requested from you,then i will give you more
details/informations gotten from the security company.
Finally, i will like you to call me on my telephone number 234-80-33560649 for
further discussion and deliberations on this matter.
God bless you,as i look forward to hearing from you soonest.
Mrs Mary is fine and by the grace of God she is getting better.
Best regards.
Barrister Charles Nwafe.
From:
To:
Subject:
Name: Ima Choad
(No middle name)
Address: 10086 Sunset Blvd, Beverley Hills, 90210. [I do not
give a rat's arse that Sunset is not in Bev Hills; they won't know that.]
You will find a photo attached with two of my many animals - Plopplop and Blurt
(Blurt is the grey one).
I will remind you that I am a Buddhist - this means that I do not use a cell
phone as the mind is the temple of godhead and I would not desecrate it with
radiation from a cell phone. As I travel constantly, a land-line would be no
use to you. Likewise, I can not entrust any personal asistant to handle
faxes... No matter, we seem to be communicating just fine via email and we can
always can and attach documents that way. They are actually better quality that
way.
As for travelling to Holland, that is no issue at all as I am constantly
abroad; I could even come to Nigeria, if there is a need.
Come now, Charles, in order for us to do business we should also get to know
each other. You know all about me but I know very little about you. You did not
even answer my question on why deacon is in your email address, are you a man
of the cloth, so to speak? Buddha said, "In order to begin business with a
person, one must also begin friendship or prosperity disappears like sticky
rice on Moon day".
I am gladdened that Mary is feeling somewhat better - shall I also communicate
with her or simply let her rest and regain some energy?
Speak to you soon,
Ima.
[The
more astute of you will notice that I have subsequently renamed the dogs (and
the file) to pooper and scooper - those names sounded better and it was easier
to only keep a single copy of the image. The woman is actually a local
nearly-celebrity from here in Oz.]
From:
Subject:
DEAR IMA CHOAD,
HOW ARE YOU TODAY AND,HOW IS YOUR WORK/HOPE ALL IS MOVING ON WELL.I MUST SAY
THAT I AM VERY HAPPY TO RECEIVE YOUR EMAIL AND ALL APPRECIATE YOUR BEING
TRUTHFULL TOO.
I HAVE RECEIVED THE INFORMATIONS YOU SENT TO ME,I SAW YOUR PICTURE ALSO AND YOU
LOOK GOOD TOO.
I MUST TELL YOU THAT I AM A CHRISTAIN AND A DEACON IN MY CHURCH THAT IS WHY YOU
SEE THE WORD DEACON IN MY EMAIL,THE WORD DEACON MEANS ONE OF THE TRUSTED MEMBER
IN THE CHURCH.I AM MARRIED WITH TWO CHILDREN AND FIVE GRAND CHILDREN AND I AM
65 YEARS OLD.HOW OLD ARE YOU IF I MAY ASK?
I JUST CAME BACK FROM THE SECURITY COMPANY AND I HAVE GOTTEN
DETAILS/INFORMATIONS AS TO WHO IS IN CHARGE OF YOUR CONSIGNMENTS OVER THERE IN
HOLLAND YOU WILL CONTACT THE OFFICER FOR HE IS INCHARGE OF THE CONSIGNMENTS.THE
CONTACT INFORMATIONS OF THE SECURITY COMPANY ARE BELOW:
NAME:SHORELINE FINANCE & SECUIRITIES
EMAIL:[email protected]
TEL:31-6-2333-3928 TEL:31-6-1616-2391
FAX :31-6-1616-4443
CONTACT PERSON:ROLAND JACKSON
YOU WILL HAVE TO CALL HIM ON MONDAY MORNING AND MAKE HIM KNOW THAT YOU HAVE A
CONSIGNMENT TO BE CLEARED FROM THEIR COMPANY,THAT HE SHOULD MAKE YOU KNOW WHEN
AND HOW YOU CAN CLEAR IT.
PLEASE WHEN DISCUSSING WITH THE OFFICER IN CHARGE DO NOT MAKE HIM KNOW THE
CONTENT OF THE
CONSIGNMENT,BECAUSE MRS MARY MADE ME TO UNDERSTAND THAT THE SECURITY COMPANY
DOES NOT KNOW THE ACTUAL CONTENT OF THE CONSIGNMENT BECAUSE SHE DEPOSITED AND
REGISTERED IT AS GIFT ITEMS AND DIPLOMATIC BOOKS FOR SECURITY REASONS,AND SHE
SAID SHE DID THIS WITH THE HELP OF HER LATE HUSBAND'S FRIEND WHO IS IN CHARGE
OF PACKAGING IN THE SECURITY COMPANY.
PLEASE CALL HIM ON MONDAY AND CALL ME BACK TO UPDATE ME YOUR DISCUSSION WITH
HIM. HOPING TO HEAR FROM YOU SOONEST.
I WILL APPRECIATE IF YOU CALL ME SO THAT I CAN TELL YOU HOW TO GO ABOUT IT.
THANKS.
BARRISTER CHARLES NWAFE.
From:
To:
Subject:
Blessings and enlightenment to you, Charlie:
As a married man, you should know that a gentleman never asks a lady's age. I
will only reveal that I am in my late 50's. I have had two husbands - the first
died of constriction of the main vein and the latter ran off with a cheap
showgirl from Atlantic City. I have spent most of my life building up my
charity and never had the chance to have children.
My pets are my babies... You have already "met" Plopplop and Blurt but I also
have several guinea pigs, a pussy called Flange [Ali G has a lot
to answer for...] , a pair of rare droopy tits (one of the rarest birds
in the world, I obtained a special permit to own them and try to get them to
breed to get their numbers up) and a trouser snake with only one eye (a
misadventure with my Flange caused that). I have attached a photo of my Flange
(the lady in the picture is my personal assistant, Norma Desmond
[Yes, yet another musical reference - what do you expect when I give the
address as 10086 Sunset Boulevarde.] who is also a close friend and
visits often). Yes, will notice that I have one of the biggest pussies in the
world! It is a Maine coon cat and they are very fluffy and that makes them look
even larger than they really are (and they do get quite large - my Flange
weighs about 24 pounds, approximately 12kg in metric). Even if I trim my
Flange, she is still one big whopper of a loving meat...
I was just about to ring Holland when I realised that I have no consignment
number/s for those boxes. How will that fellow know what boxes I mean? Will
saying they are for Mary suffice? That reminds me of a time when Prince Harry
of the British royal family donated some of Princess Diana's diet pills to me;
I had to pick them up from LAX and when I got there I simply asked for the
Harry box and they knew what I meant.
I have a important issue to raise, as well. I just spoke to the leader of my
local Buddhist temple (their heirarchy is much flatter than Christianity, they
do not have deacons and such but merely levels of monks). Anyway the monk in
charge is originally from Cambodia, his name is Gibbon Hee. Monk Hee
[I was originally going to have him come from Borneo and have the name Orang
Utan Hee, but orangutans are not really monkeys, they are apes and I also
figured that would be just too fishy...] mentioned that evil winds of
the hell bottom (Asians have many layers in hell, [Big Trouble
in Little China is a very informative movie.] not like Western
religions with the simpler concept of a single hell) could curse this
transaction if it is not blessed properly. The last thing we want is evil
charity fates ruining this and cursing Mary to untold miseries.
It struck a chord within me as I have done such blessings before with several
business transactions over long distances. In many of my transactions it is not
an issue as the person on the bell-end of the chord is also Buddhist and
automatically knows what to do. By the way, do not worry that I said too much
to my spiritual advisor as I simply mentioned that it was a charitable act that
I wanted to ensure success for.
The process is simple, I have translated an ancient Sanskrit blessing into the
English alphabet. I would like to you write this clearly and boldly on a card
and then get a photo of yourself holding it. To expedite this, it will be much
quicker to scan it and email it to me. It must be large enough and clear enough
for me to finish the blessing here. As you are not Buddhist, I must take the
photo effigy and perform arcane, arcade and sugarcane rituals upon it to ensure
success for this transaction - Mary's life is worth nothing less.
The Sanskrit verse to be transcribed on the poster is: "Owha tafu ckwi tiam".
Now, I fully understand that as a Christian, you may not believe this is
worthwhile and a waste of your time. Trust me when I say that I would not ask
if it were not of the utmost importance to me. As a busy man and a barrister
for the sick, I fully realise that your time is money. As an ill legal, I
expect that you also have a commensurate hourly rate for your time. Although I
am sure that this process will only take you a couple of minutes to perform, I
will pay you for a full hour of it. Say $US1000? That is how serious I am.
[Gotta bait the hook.]
Hear from you soon,
Omm paddy omm,
Om paddy wha ckgiv eado gabone,
Ima.
[Believe
it or not, that is a real cat - it is that fluffy it looks much larger than it
really is and also the Maine coon breed is very large.]
From:
Subject:
My Dear Ima Choad,
Greetings to you!I am in receipt of your mail and all you said was clearly
understood.
Well in other not to waste much of your time I will like to inform you that
there will be no need for you to provide any consignment number before you call
the officer in charge of the consignments in Holland,from my experience I think
that the officer will only require you to come down with the following
documents which I will be sending to you by tomorrow.
1.THE CERTIFICATE OF DEPOSIT.
2.THE POWER OF ATTORNEY.
These are the only documents that you will be needing to clear the consignments
from the security company in Holland.In the certficate of deposit you will find
the consignment number.As per what you asked I will like to let you know that i
am a very old man and as such being in my profession for over 30 years now and
I know my job and worth also.So I will like you to give me that respect and
trust too.
I have seen your picture with your cat it is very lovely my wife loved it.I
will like you to view the attachment of I and my wife.
Please I will like you to ring holland today as soon as you get this mail and
get back to me to enable me know your discussion with the security company and
also to let me know when you will be travelling to holland to clear the
consignments from them.Please note that when discussing with the officer
incharge do not allow him to know that the consignments contains
money,okay?because my client made me to understand that she registered the
consignments as a goldbar to avoid diversification,okay?
I hope to hear from you as soon as you get this mail.
Best Regards,
Barrister Charles Nwafe.
From:
To:
Subject:
Manyfold blessings bestowed up you, Charles and your manifold family:
I understand that I say it is a gold bar. My first husband had a bar of
steel that he used to show everyone. Not as valuable as a bar of gold, of
course, but not bad to perform party tricks with...
You said that you had attached a photo of you and your wife but that did not
make it to me. More importantly, don't forget that I need a nice clear,
large photo of you with that Sanskrit verse on it to bless before I can call
Holland and put this transaction to bed. My second husband used to bed
transactions often: he would be with the banker, deposit and then witfhdraw,
but he would not pray until after the transaction (I used to always hear him at
the end going, "Oh God! Oh my Lord!"). We never seemed to have any
success, though...
I have no wish to jeopardise this for Mary so I will have to insist that I
complete the blessing ceremony with that photograph I requested before I begin
the security stuff. Don't forget to provide me details on how to pay you
directly for humouring the "silly Buddhist"; probably Western Union payment
will be the most effective.
I think my Flange likes you because she seems to rumble and purr with delight
when your emails come? If she starts licking herself, I just know it will
be cosmic influence...
Thanks in advance,
Remember, "Owha tafu ckwi tiam",
Onomatopoeia,
Ima.
From:
Subject:
My Dear Ima Choad,
Greetings to you to!I am in receipt of your mail and all you said was noted.
Please I will not like this to be what will be hloding us from this transaction
that is what you asked me to do by taking photograph holding picture of the
word you wrote.
I am God fearing and will never participate in anything bad,so do not doubt
me,okay?Please just trust me and you will never regret it.
Yes!I made a mistake by not attaching the photograph of I and my wife,I think
you will be able to view it now.
As you have requested you can send the money by western union with this
informations below:
NAME:CHIEDU OBOKOH.
ADDRESS:LAGOS,NIGERIA.
AMOUNT:$1000.
TEXT QUESTION:FAVORITE CAR.
TEXT ANSWER:HONDA.
Please when you finish send the money today you will have to send the following
informations to me.
1.THE SENDERS NAME AND ADDRESS.
2.MCTN NUMBER.
Please as soon as you get this mail I will like you to immediately ring holland
to find out from them what it will take to clear the consignments from their
custody and get back to me yours discussion with them.
My regards to your pets,Flange and others.
Thank You,
Barrister Charles Nwafe.
[Can
you say obvious magazine clipping?]
From:
To:
Subject:
Dear Charles in charge:
I realise that my "crazy" Eastern ways must be bemusing to you and you probably
think what is with this eccentric lady? However, I have seen too many
business transactions get delegated to the hell of incurable rashes becuase no
due diligence and correct blessings were organised beforehand.
I told you in my last email that one of my husbands always did it backwards and
only said the holy words near the completion. Well, I saw time and time
again that this backdoor approach did not lead to any fruition. When a
man was initiating making a deposit in me, then I am always sure to praise the
gods for the privilege. Some men give me so much that I also thank the
higher powers when he withdraws because sometimes being too big hurts a little,
if you know what I mean...
Even when I make a contribution to a partner by making a speech, or the like, I
always make a blessing and purify myself first. I have always been
informed that my oral work leaves all of the people in the room satisfied.
Please understand that it is not lack of faith in you personally that causes me
to have to complete the ritual blessing; it is just something that, in the eye
of my mind's heart, that I know I must do so that I do not let poor Mary down.
If you are too busy, it will be permissible to get one your assistants to
do it - they need not even know what it is for. You could even give them
only a token of my payment and keep the rest for yourself for organising
it. I prefer a man in the photo as the yoni power is best/strongest
[Which is very ironic, considering that yoni is the feminine essence.] for
the great distance the blessing must travel but even a female will do in a
pinch.
Sorry to be a pain, but Buddha said (and I quote), "The phoenix must grow
feathers before it can fly, or it will fall into a burning ring of fire,
down, down, down into a burning ring of fire. And it burns, burns, burns, that
ring of fire, that ring of fire." [When I said Buddha, I meant
Johnny Cash.]
Blessings to the Nwafe abode,
Ima.
From:
Subject:
Dear Ima Choad,
Greetings to you!I am in receipt of your mail and all you said was clearly
understood.Since what you are requesting for is what is holding this
transaction,I have decided to ask one of my workers to go and take the
photograph holding the board with the word "Owha tafu ckwi tiam",on it.You will
see the picture below this mail.
Please I will like you to send the $1000 today with the informations I gave by
western union money transfer and send to me the senders name and address and
also the MCTN number.
I will like you to ring holland today to finanlise with them when you will be
going to holland to clear the consignments from their custody and also what it
will cost you.
I will be hoping to hear from you as soon as you get this mail.
Best Regards.
Barrister Charles Nwafe.
[YES! My very first trophy; and he really did
make the file large and clear (I scaled it down here due to its size <Insert
Negro man joke here>).]
[Okay, from here on up until I make a big issue of it, Chuck starts emailing multiple times a day; this mofo is hungry for his payment. The irony is that at this point I was really getting into it and stepped up my reply timeliness so he had nothing to bloody complain about.]
From:
Subject:
Dear Ima,
I am writing to let you know that I am worried that you have not replied me all
this while,hope all is well with you.Please I will like you to get back to me
as soon as you receive this mail.
Remain Blessed,
Barrister Charles Nwafe.
[NOTE: The following email was written twice - I learnt a tragic but necessary lesson about Yahoo webmail. I took a long time to draft it and it was probably a fair bit funnier than this incarnation (and definately longer) but when I tried to post, my session had timed out. I could not go back to previous screen and repost it so it was lost forever... The moral of the story is to quickly copy the text before pressing the Send button when taking time to commit the post; that way you can always paste it back if you get a timeout. This has been a community service announcement.]
From:
To:
Subject:
Here I am, Chuck:
I am currently in a little Eastern bloc country called Idontunderstan,
protesting the cruel treatment of animals at a merkin farm on the outskirts of
the border with Cartmankyleandstan. Of course, there is no wireless internet
connection in a backwash location like this, so when I am standing in a field,
holding a banner saying the poor merkins should not be slain just to make wigs,
I cannot check my email.
I checked my email only 20 hours ago so must have missed your previous email.
No matter, I am here now. I have only just realised that the details for
Western Union and that fellow in Holland are in the email in-tray of my
primary, desktop PC back in the good ol' US of A. I presume that you have no
wish to wait for the next three days, or so, for me to get back to the City of
Angels considering that you have emailed twice within the space of 20 hours.
So, please do me a party favour and resend the details for both things and I
shall handle it from here. [The jackass annoyed me by not
waiting for me to reply to his last email so I'll get him back by making him do
more work.]
That said, the photo was excellent and I have already performed my part of the
ceremony. To double ensure that things continue to go well, you should try to
pat/cuddle three different breeds of live animals to bring a positive glow to
your karma.
Sorry to keep you waiting,
Thank you for your patience,
Ima.
From:
Subject:
Dear Ima Choad,
How are you today,I am so happy to hear that all is well with you.Well as you
have requested here are the contact informations of the security company,please
try and ring today so that all arrangement will be made on when you will be
travelling tholland to clear the consignments from their custody.
NAME:SHORELINE FINANCE & SECUIRITIES
EMAIL:[email protected]
TEL:31-6-2333-3928 TEL:31-6-1616-2391
FAX :31-6-1616-4443
CONTACT PERSON:ROLAND JACKSON
Below also is the informations that you will use to send the $1000 by western
union money transfer today.
NAME:CHIEDU OBOKOH.
ADDRESS:LAGOS,NIGERIA.
AMOUNT:$1000.
TEXT QUESTION:FAVORITE CAR.
TEXT ANSWER:HONDA.
Please when you finish send the money today you will have to send the following
informations to me.
1.THE SENDERS NAME AND ADDRESS.
2.MCTN NUMBER.
I hope to hear from you as soon as all is done.
Best regards,
Barrister Charles Nwafe.
From:
Subject:
Dear Ima,
Please when you send the money please do not forget to senders name and the
address including the country where the money is coming to that I can collect
it easily.
Thanks,
Barrister Charles Nwafe.
[Two emails within the space of less than half an hour. Hello, does he not understand the premise of asynchronous communication? Vindictively, I let the weasly little prick sweat on it for a tad more...]
From:
Subject:
Dear Ima Choad,
How are you today,did you get the mail I sent to you yesterday with the
information you requested?Please get back to me as soon as possible.
Thank You,
Barrister Charles Nwafe.
From:
To:
Subject:
Hey Chuckie-poo:
I must admit that I am a touch tipsy as I write this as I have just spent yet
another brass-monkey day standing in the middle of a friggin' field protesting
for the welfare of some little curly-haired rodents. My fellow protestors and I
have plied ourselves with the local alcoholic beverage, smoo juice
[Smoo is local dialect for vagina, for the uninitiated.], in a valient
effort to keep warm.
I was originally going to wait until I was sober to write to you (and the
Holland chappie) but you are such an insistent little blighter, I thought it
best to respond ASAP.
There is no Western Union to be found in this hell-hole so your thousand bucks
might just hafta wait until I get back to the states in a day or two. By the
way, Honda is my favourite brand of car too - I own a Civic which runs
partially on electricity. It cost about $7000 more than the petrol only
equivalent but I feel it is better for the environment. [Actually,
Honda is my favourite - I used to own a crappy old Accord and my wife does
drive a top of the line 4-door Civic model (not electric, though, I just said
that to rub his face in the fact that I (being Ima) have money and he does
not).]
Also, what is a MCTN number? [I was not (just) being obtuse,
here; I really did not know what it was. I only worked it out later when I
forged a Western Union receipt to make him think I had paid (more below).]
I have sent money via WU before and never been provided with one of those.
Maybe it is called something else in the States? In China, I used their local
equivalent, WU-Chang, to pay for shipping of the almost extinct aluminium sauce
panda. [If comments like aluminium sauce panda and WU-Chang
don't clue this loser into working out that I am pulling his static chain, then
nothing the hell will.]
Anyway, here's to you and your family,
Ima.
[Alrighty then, now is it time to have fun with "Roland".]
From:
To:
Subject:
Howdy Jack:
Charlie Nwafe told me to drop a line to you about picking up a consignment of
books and kitchen utensils from you.
I am abroad quite often (actually, most people say that I am a pretty
well-travelled broad) and can come to Holland to pick these boxes up, at your
convenience (but if your convenience is smelly, then I would prefer to collect
them from the front desk, haha!)
So, anyway, Jackie me lad, Chuck is a tad uptight about this whole thing so I
think we should try to resolve this transaction as quickly as a teenage boy can
whip his weasel, if you know what I mean... Between you and me, Nwafe is a bit
of a tool; I travel a fair bit and offered to collect this useless, valueless
set of boxes for him as a favour and he emails me constantly, complaining that
I haven't done it yet. I mean, dude, I have a life too, ya know? All I ask is a
bit of consideration and gratefulness - know what I mean?
Anyhow, what do I have to do and what information do you need for me to collect
these boxes?
Any good ganja in the cafes, at the moment?
Buddha liked his herb, too, you know...
Peace out, brother,
Ima.
[Every email I sent to this address got an auto-reply like the one below. I will only copy one of them, for the sake of brevity.]
From:
Subject:
Thanks for your mail shoreline finance and securities will get back
to you as soon as possible.
If you do not get a reply within the shortest time, kindly call our customer
service. [There was actually a hidden form as part of the
message body but it did not do anything.]
CONTINUED ON PAGE 2.
| ChaosWorrier |
Last Update: 02/07/2004 |