Why did this have to happen to me? I don't know if I can make it through this. Here I am recovering from a major surgery, with a new hole in my body through which I am supposed to go to the bathroom. How unnatural is that? But the doctor says this was the only way to relieve my symptoms, and I didn't know how much more of those I could have taken either. Well, I have time to think about it as I stare at these hospital walls. And I do feel better, or will once I recover a little more.
Having a surgery is bad enough, but then to have to live with this extra hole. Just what am I going to tell people? Maybe nothing in most cases, as they won't know the difference. But somebody is bound to find out. There are too many places that I won't be able to go, or things I can't do that I did before. At least if I want to keep any dignity. I'll have to know where all the public restrooms are ahead of time. Yuck, just the thought of using them is disgusting. It may be worse having strangers know about my condition than my close friends. My friends may understand, if they are really my friends. But strangers will really make fun of me. I know they will stare and laugh behind my back if not to my face. Oh, and no more swimming in public pools. I'll just have to keep my clothes on all the time when I am around anyone. No more macho sunbathing. But still, the bathroom problem remains.
It's hard to imagine that people can actually live like this. But I have read that this was the normal condition for people just a few generations ago. Only those with certain diseases had ostomies. Everyone else had what I have now: a hole in the end of his or her rectum. Yuck, just the thought of going to the bathroom the first time is upsetting me. And then having to try to clean myself up afterwards. No nice little bag to empty right here on my side anymore. How in the world am I supposed to keep myself clean? And to have to do this in public restrooms - well I don't think I am ready for that yet. To think you had to be sick in order to get a nice little bag to poop in. I guess when that became faddish, and people began having elective surgeries are when it really caught on. And then of course genetics took over, and people were just born that way. But how could anybody even think of going to the bathroom through the rectum, when this bag makes it so easy?
Toilet paper! I will have to stock up on that. I doubt the public restrooms will ever have any, especially the men's bathroom, as there is no need for it except for freaks like me. Looks like I will have to carry my own with me wherever I go. Oh man, and it will have to hurt sometimes when the diarrhea gets bad. Who wants to keep wiping your butt when it gets sore? But what choice will I have? I know they make salves for skin conditions and rashes. Maybe I can find something to put on after I go. How disgusting. People really did this all the time and considered it normal. I'll just keep telling myself that and maybe I can get through this.
Hopefully I can find a support group, and I bet there are people on the Internet like me since everyone has a computer now. At least I can talk to someone else in my condition that might understand. But I will bet there will be people who won't want to come near me. Certainly they won't want to shake hands with me if they know about my condition. I wouldn't want to either, before this happened to me. As long as people don't know, I will be okay. But who wants to live with such a secret, yet it is not something I want to talk about. Hey everybody I have an ass hole! They tell me that used to be a nasty slang term used to describe people you didn't like. I can see why. Although the term Ohole makes much more sense now.
Oh my gosh, sex. I haven't even thought about that yet. Right now I am so sore from the surgery it doesn't matter. But who will want to have sex with me, with chance of poop running out of my butt at anytime? And will I want to expose myself to anyone? They will have nice clean holes in their sides, while I have this thing way behind me. I won't even know if I am clean or not. And it must look atrocious. Even if I find someone who really loves me, will they be able to be intimate with me? Could I have been intimate with someone like me before this happened to me? I doubt it. I sure hope there are people out there who are more understanding than I was.
Oh why did this have to happen to me? I just want to be normal and have an ostomy like everyone else!
....Terry
from Shaz's Ileostomy Page, http://ostomy.healingwell.com |
