Television
The Office (US)
Michael: Abraham Lincoln once said that "If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North" and these are the principles I carry with me in the
workplace.
Michael: Yeah, I went hunting once. Shot a deer in the leg. Had to kill it
with a shovel. Took about an hour. Why do you ask?
Angela: Those aren't chips and dip.
Pam: No, I made brownies.
Angela: (sighs)
Pam: What?
Angela: I'm just trying to figure out why you're trying to sabotage
things.
Pam: I made brownies.
Angela: And I made cookies. Same category.
Angela: I think green is kind of whorish.
Angela: Phyllis, I need you to pick up green streamers at lunch.
Phyllis: I thought you said green was whorish.
Angela: No, orange is whorish.
Angela: I actually look forward to performance reviews. I did the youth
beauty pageant circuit, and I enjoyed that quite a bit. I really enjoy being
judged. I believe I hold up to even severe scrutiny.
Jim: Last night on "Trading Spouses," there's--did you see it?
Pam: No, I have a life.
Jim: Interesting, what's that like?
Pam: You should try it some time.
Jim: Wow. But then who would watch my TV?
Dwight: [listing things people might want covered by the health plan] Number one: inverted penis.
Meredith: Could you mean vagina? Cause if you do, I want that covered.
Dwight: I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy.
Meredith: A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina.
Jim: Well, I'm not asking for a raise, I'm actually asking for a pay
decrease.
Dwight: Uh, that is so stupid. What if he gives it to you?
Jim: Then I win.
Jim: Hey, Ryan, do you wanna pull a prank on Andy?
Ryan: Not right now, but ask me again ten years ago.
Jim: I liked you better as the temp.
Ryan: (sighs) Me too.
Jim: I miss Dwight. Congratulations, universe. You win.
Jim: After you, sir.
Dwight: No thank you, I never let anyone walk behind me. Seven out of ten attacks are from the rear.
Jim: Okay, well that still leaves a 30% chance that I'll attack you from the front.
Dwight: Uh, yeah, but it will be easier to stop. I can always block the blow. I can counter it--
Jim Halpert: (slaps Dwight)
[Michael is off on vacation. Dwight is recording the meeting with a rtape recorder]
Jim: Oh my God, Dwight, what are you doing?
Dwight: What?
Jim: You're not allowed to take off your pants in the middle of the office!
Dwight: I'm not.
Jim: Dwight, you know what? Just back off, okay? That's making me uncomfortable. This is sexual harrassment, by the way. Oh my God! He's got a knife!
Dwight: I do not have a knife!
Jim: No! Let the record show that Dwight K. Schrute is now completely nude and is holding a plastic knife to Stanley's neck!
Dwight: Let the record show that Jim Halpert is a liar!
Jim: Dwight Schrute is now wearing a baby's bonnet.
Dwight: I am not!
Phyllis: Oh, Jim Carey just walked in! Dwight, get his autograph for Michael!
Dwight: Jim Carey did not just walk in, okay?
Karen: Dwight, what is that on your stomach? Is that a Muppet Babies tattoo?
Jim: Oh my God, Karen you're right! That is Animal from the Muppet Babies!
Dwight: You can't see my stomach!
Andy: I am now chopping off Phyllis' head with a chainsaw! Ring-ning-ning-ning-ning!
Karen: Oh, the vending machines, how did we miss that?
Jim: I have no idea, we went right for the copier.
Karen: Mmm.
Jim: And then we checked the fax machine.
Karen: Yea, nothing there.
Andy: Did you check your... butt?
Andy: Oh, uh, by the way, 1985 called, it wants it's car back.
Dwight: Well I hope 1985 has a time machine, 'cause I drive an '87!
Boston Legal
Brad Chase: I outrank you.
Alan Shore: And I'm such a slut for authority.
Denny Crane: You hear the one about the fella who died, went to the pearly
gates? St. Peter let him in. Sees a guy in a suit making a closing argument.
Says, "Who's that?" St. Peter says, "Oh, that's God. Thinks he's
Denny Crane."
Denny Crane: How can you ban red meat?
Dominick Ryan: Well, they've got a whole campaign, they're going to go with it.
They plan to promote Summersport as the seafood capital of the world.
Denny Crane: We're carnivores. When the pilgrims landed, first thing they did
was eat a few Indians.
[Shirley and Dominick stare at him]
Dominick Ryan: Is there anything we can do?
Shirley Schmidt: We'll get in the media TRO.
Denny Crane: I'll argue it myself. Ban red meat. That cannot pass Constitutional
mustard.
Shirley Schmidt: The word is "muster", Denny, but you're right, the
law lacks condiments.
Catherine Piper: Cookies, everyone! Nourishment is most important in the morning.
Paul Lewiston: Who is this woman?
Catherine Piper: Take two, Tara, you're a rail.
Paul Lewiston: Who is this woman?
Catherine Piper: The ones on the left have a little bran to help our older lawyers with their routine.
Paul Lewiston: Who is this woman?!
Catherine Piper: I'm Catherine Piper. I'm Alan's new assistant. My, don't you have an interesting face.
Paul Lewiston: We are in the middle of a staff meeting.
Catherine Piper: No need to be snippy, dear. Especially since I come bearing treats. You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
[to Lori] You certainly made one... with all that bleach.
Paul Lewiston: Ma'am, you will have to leave.
Catherine Piper: I'm beginning to not like you.
Alan Shore: This book, A Stain Upon The Sea, it's all about these sea lice.
Denny Crane: Interesting.
Alan Shore: They call them cling-ons.
Denny Crane: Did you say Klingons?
Alan Shore: You know I'm not about to go to Texas and not ride the mechanical bull, Chelina. That would be like going to Los Angeles and not sleeping with Paris Hilton.
Denny Crane: You left me, Shirley. Women don't leave Denny Crane. And for a secretary!
Shirley Schmidt: It was the Secretary of Defense.
Alan Shore: Objection, your Honor. You can't preface your second point with "first of all."
Alan Shore: Ah, Denny, I've hardly seen you this episode.
Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
Jon Stewart: Isn't it how if you lick a frog, you start to get crazy thoughts?
Kermit the Frog: If you lick a frog, you were crazy to start with.
Jon Stewart: See, I only make fun of people who I know would never come on the show.
Alec Baldwin: That's a long list.
Harrison Ford: I don't
really do action movies.
Jon Stewart: You were
Indiana Jones.
Harrison Ford: Yeah, but...
Jon Stewart: And Jack Ryan.
Harrison Ford: I always saw Indiana Jones as a comedy.
Jon Stewart: Well, I can
assure you it's not.
Harrison Ford: I'll have to let Spielberg know that. "Steve-- not funny."
Jon Stewart: You know
Spielberg?
Ed Helms: "Bastille". It's French for "Why are you stabbing me? I just released you from prison."
Jon Stewart: As you know, we cater to a pretty young audience, how does your message relate to young people?
Howard Dean: I think young people are interested in the environment and the economy because...
Jon Stewart: I'm sorry, I think we're speaking to a younger audience.
Howard Dean: Young people are interested in green grass, and not spending more money...
Jon Stewart: I think we need to go younger.
Howard Dean: Okay...
Cleanliness, and...
Jon Stewart: You know what, maybe you could just jangle your keys for a while.
Jon Stewart: Enron! Halliburton! No WMDs in Iraq! With all these things going on, what was Congress most concerned about? That's right, baseball. This week, the Congressional hearings on steroid abuse began. Among those that were testifying include: Jose Canseco, Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa, Mark McGwire, Paul Giambi, and Shrinkynuts McAngrypants!
Jon Stewart: See, here's where Oprah has violated the talk show code: treating the audiencelike shit. Seriously, she gives away cars and you guys stand in the freezing cold weather for what? This piece of shit show? A bunch of random jokes followed by some interview where I pretend to be remotely interested? We have a green room with a nice couch, big screen TV, snacks, and other nice things, but do we
let our audience use it? No.