Real Life
[During French class, we are to answer questions using the affirmative or negative form.]
Me: Okay, so... Est-ce qu'on donne des allumettes aux enfants? Eh?
Cait: I don't know, I just put "Oui, nous donnons des allumettes aux enfants."
Anna: Works for me.
Cait: Oh, shit, wait... the instructions say to use logic. That means there's wrong answers.
Me: Oops?
Cait: What are allumettes and do you give them to children?
Me: Here. Allumettes. Matches. Allumettes are matches. Is it that one gives matches to children?
Cait: We said yes.
Me: We give matches to children.
Cait: Doesn't everybody?
Mom: Are you sure you don't want to go to the baby shower tomorrow?
Me: I'm positive.
Mom: It'll be fun! There's going to be games!
Me: I have homework. And nothing should come between me and my academic career.
Mom: I will haunt you with that statement for the rest of the year!
Jenn: [hitting bug bites with key lanyard]
Me: Friends don't let friends hit themselves! [takes lanyard] They do it for them!
Jenn: Okay.
Me: [starts hitting Jenn in a bored fashion] Man, I'd make a sucky dominatrix.
Cait: Cake is good. Good is cake. Cake, good, good, cake. Good, cake, cake, good. Good cake, good cake, Cake good, cake good. Wahoo!
[at a concert, after two very loud sets]
Me: Why did they kill all the clocks?
Cait: They what the box?
[during the 2003 VMAs, concerning Vivica A. Fox's chest.]
Dad: I wonder how many beaches had to be combed for silicone for her. There's an entire beach missing in Southern California because of her.
[concerning Andre 3000's plaid suit]
Dad: Good God! What did he do, steal a table cloth?
[discussing our Gov't/Ec. teacher's lack of ability to pronounce words fully]
Cait: [loudly] Is it so difficult to say the last two letters in 'England'? Because apparently, we all came from 'Engluh'. I've never heard of that.
[Gov't/Ec. teacher passes us]
Cait: I've never been this close to trolley people before.
Teacher: We'll be watching a movie with some strong language, so I don't want you to be offended...
Vicki: [turns around to me] What the fuck are we doing?
Vicki [discussing the band The Darkness] They have better hair than I do!
Me: Blame genetics?
Vicki: Fuck genetics! My parents are dicks!
[in study hall]
Mrs. Parker: Well, I announced on Friday that the library would be closed. But who remembers over the weekend, right?
Senior Next to Me: Yeah, everybody's drunk.
Mrs. Parker: Wha--I hope you aren't speaking for yourself.
Senior next to Me: No, of course not.
Mrs. Parker: Well, I don't know about you, but I'm certainly sober.
Senior Next to Me: Drunk, high, E'd up... you know people do that sh...stuff.
[at lunch]
Vicki: You know what sucks about having a baby brother?
Me: No, what?
Vicki: That when he's 18 and has cute friends, I'm going to be too old to hit on them!
Me: Er... okay...
Vicki: I'll be, like, thirty! Wait--[does the math]--thirty-four! I'll be thirty-four!
Me: Um, sad for you?
Vicki: Yeah! I can't hit on them! Because I have morals! (pause) I think at forty, you should stop having sex.
The entire table: What?
Vicki: Yeah! At forty you should stop having sex! It's just nasty. Everything's all weird and nasty and shit.
Cindy: Come back to me when your forty and say that.
Vicki: Yeah... I'll be forty and be like, "Um, no." (pause) I think if you can't tell the difference between you and a turkey, you should stop having kids.
Me: What?
Vicki: It's true! If you've got--[grabs the skin under her jaw]--then you should just stop having kids.
Me: If you say so.
[during Troy]
Paris, to Helen: Come with me!
Cait: So we can have hot lesbian sex on the boat!
[...]
[Achilles is standing in front of the gates of Troy, right before "calling Hector out," as it were.]
Me: Can Hector come out to play?
Achilles: Hector!
Cait: [mimicking] Hector!
Achilles: Hector!
Cait: [mimicking] Hector!
Achilles: Hector!
Cait: [mimicking] Hector!
Priam: Hector.
[...]
Menelaus: [referring to Paris] Let me take care of this peacock!
Me: He's more of a peahen, really.
Cait: He doesn't have a peacock.
[...]
[After both Patroclus and Hector are killed.]
Me: I don't think Achilles is getting any tonight.
[A boy cut in line at the toll]
Boy 1: Hey, you can't stall jump!
Boy 2: Neither can your mom, but I'm gonna teach her tonight.