IM Conversations

Cait: i spilled diet coke on my cratch

Me: Are you down with the brizzown?
ZolaOnAOL: I don't know whether or not I am down with the brizzown. I am a computer.

Cait: yay someone to talk to!...i was lonely
Me: Yes, I have come to save the day with my randomness.
Cait: yay! again
Cait: whatcha doin?
Me: Checking my mail. Fun. You?
Cait: nothin...trying to show my computer love like you said to but its not being very open minded
Cait: i feel rejected
Me: Maybe your computer is a girl and doesn't swing that way. Tell it that it's platonic love.
Cait: ok i'll try that...but now i feel bad that i named her juan...i suppose that could be short for juanita
Cait: should i tell her "i love you...but not in that way"?
Me: If I were Juan, I'd shut down on you for saying that.

Cait: what has 2 gray legs and 2 brown legs?
Jenn: a spider
Jenn: I dunno what?
Me: That'd be a spider cut in half if it only had four legs.
Jenn: Shut up.
Me: Is that what it is? A two-toned spider cut in half?
Jenn: Anna, it's not nice to mack.
Jenn: mock*
Me: Your mom thinks it's nice to mack... with me.
Me: I'm sorry.
Jenn: You gonna teach her?
Me: Already did.
Me: Last night.

Cait: i never tell anyone when i like someone...not even my closest friends...i almost did once and i got distracted so i didnt get to and i am so glad
Me: I never like anyone.
Cait: i did once
Cait: but no one will ever know
Cait: i'll take it to the grave lol
Me: I'm, like, asexual or something. If that's the case, I need to stop ovulating, because that just makes everything so complicated. I don't have time to bleed for five days. I'm a girl on the go.
Me: I'm always, "Hey, pretty," but I'm never all, "omg i need to make babies with you right now" like most people are.
Cait: lmao
Jenn: Anna....Anna...do I have words?
Me: What? I speak the truth.
Cait: if you were a super hero you could be Asexual Anna
Me: Any excuse to wear a cape.
Jenn: I should just quit while I'm behind. The male population isn't even worth it.
Me: You can be my sidekick, Just Not Worth It Jenn.
Jenn: Do I get a cape and mask?
Me: Sure.
Jenn: Okay then.
Cait: who can i be?
Me: Carefully Concealing Cait?
Cait: nice
Me: I try.

Me: Oh, you were going to be baadasssss?
Cait: sheep porn!!
Me: Shakespeare was into sheep porn: "Now, now, even now the black ram is tupping your white ewe!"

Cait: o
Cait: h
Me: Y
Me: e
Me: a
Me: h
Cait: shut
Cait: up
Me: Make
Me: me
Cait: suck my weenis
Jenn: I'll brb
Cait: k
Me: Jenn ignored your weenis, Cait. Does your weenis feel unloved?
Cait: it does
Cait: now i have to rub it to make it feel better
Me: Just the one?
Cait: if the other one gets jealous i'll share the love
Me: You can't neglect one of your weeni.
Me: It's not healthy.
Cait: i know i'm a bad...weeni keeper?
Cait: or something
Me: Can you keep weeni? It's like trying to keep a beautiful song. You must let it be free to roam and enrich the lives of others.

Cait: grizzly adams [Cait's neighbor] is mowing his lawn...topless
Me: I don't think I can put into words the noise I just made.
Me: It sort of went "uhh" but more disgusted.

Me: Are you going to come in tomorrow with more fuzzy testicles?
Jenn: What the hell?
Me: You know how Cait loves her fuzzy testicles.
["Fuzzy testicles" is the name Cait gave to the Boohbah things]

Cait: i got my wireless mouse replaced so im playing with that again
Anna: What happened to it?
Cait: i dunno...the night i got it it warked and i tried to use it the next morning and all it did was make a fizzing sound at me
Anna: That sucks. Though "warked" is a great word.
Cait: lol i was gonna fix it but i thought it looked snazzy
Anna: It is.
Cait: what should it mean?
Anna: It sounds like it should be slang for vomit.
Cait: awesome
Cait: i almost warked today cause our milk was bad
Cait: yay! i used a new word!

Cait: ooh! house of wax is on....im in for a night of good cinema
Anna: What channel?
Cait: hbo
Anna: Are you actually watching it or was it just a passing comment? Because I want to know before I start making lameass comments.
Cait: i watched most of this at school last year but i never got to the part where paris hilton dies so i wasted and hour of my life
Anna: Yeah. There's really no point to this movie unless you see Paris Hilton get stabbed.
[...]
[Wade, in his infinite wisdom, stumbles upon a creepy and somewhat rusty operating room while wandering around in somebody's house.]
Anna: His parents never told him to look with his eyes, not his hands.
Cait: why would you touch that shit, man?
Cait: i'll be sad if he dies this early....hes pretty
Cait: oh hell
Anna: Yes! Go at him with the egg beater!
Cait: the pretty ones are always first....tsk tsk
[...]
[Crazy Killer Man Bo drags Carly into the basement of the gas station. On the way, he turns on a stereo.]
Cait: ooh my favorite song!
Anna: Does he have a special rape mix he made?
Cait: no just a full body waxing mix
[...]
[Bonehead Friend with Camera (I don't remember his name) discovers wax!Wade, who's still alive, sitting at the piano in the House of Wax.]
Anna: I love his reaction. "Your face has no skin! To save you, I must peel [the wax] off! It's the only way!"
[...]
[Paris Paige is stripping. Because if you're going to pay somebody to skank around, you'd might as well get the best.]
Cait: pretty sure the only thing paris hilton knows how to do is take off her clothes
Anna: Meanwhile, at the Rick Solomon Memorial Tent...
Cait: they should have one of those
[...]
[the House of Wax is burning down. Carly runs upstairs while Crazy Killer Man Vincent fights with Broseph. Sir Douchebag. Chad Michael Murray's character that I can't be bothered to look up.]
Anna: Go upstairs in the melting house!
Cait: oh no all my friends are melting *sadface*
Cait: since when does wax catch on fire?
[...]
[The credits roll, and it's MCR's "Helena".]
Cait: hahahaha
Cait: my chemical romance
Anna: A song about somebody's grandmother always wraps up a crazy killer movie nicely.

Cait: she said i have no life....im hurt
Me: But she's your life. If you have no life, then she is nothing. It's all quite confusing and zen. Mostly confusing.
Cait: lol
Me: But, you can't spell Confusious without "confusi." And that's really if I spelled his name right.
Cait: not sure....there might be an extra c in there somewhere but im not sure
Me: Google told me it's Confucius. So now it's "You can't spell Confucius without 'confu'."

[people invaded our chatroom and proceeded to try to spook us out]
Invader One: noting corn says makes sense
Invader Three: Lol
Invader Two: lol
Me: I'm obviously on a higher plane.
Invader Three: I no
Invader Three: The corn stock
Invader One: hahahahhaha
Me: Stalk.
Cait: haha
Me: Stock is what you use to make soup. Stalk is the stem of a corn plant. And a very fun activity.
Invader One: corn is prolly gay
[...]
Invader One: notice how corn isnt talkin
Me: That's because I have nothing to say.
Invader One: and thats because your gayyyy
Invader Three: Lol
Cait: yeah corn....gay people dont talk
Cait: dont you know that?
Me: Yes. My gayness prevents me from talking.
Invader One: wow it admitted it was gay!
Me: Except to say something's FAAAAAAAAAABULOUSSSSSSSS!
[...]
Me: Little America?
Invader One: your little miss america?
Invader One: hahahahahaha
Invader Three: No lil miss ass hole
Invader Three: Ash get it right
Invader One: that works too
Me: Little America is a place. It's a truck stop.
Invader Two: i do not know.
Invader One: im sure
Invader One: it is
Cait: you are seriously retarded....do your parents condone incest?
[...]
Invader One: you talk like some english geek
Me: I talk like an educated being.
Invader One: you dont need to be educated over the summer freak!
Invader Three: Lol
Cait: yeah its ok to be a moron as long as its june-august
Invader Three: Yup
Invader One: corn doesnt understand that consept
Invader Three: Itz calle d
Invader Three: FUN
Me: Oh, no, I get it. I'm watching MTV and drooling over myself as we speak.
Cait: lmao
Me: Because when it's summer, cognitive skills and civilized behavior just don't matter!
[...]
Invader Two: I used to have all year round school
Invader One: ooomg did that suck??
Invader Two: iono
Me: I did too. I actually enjoyed it.
Invader Two: i thought it was normal
Invader Two: lol
Me: School for three months, and then a month off. It was cool.
Invader Three: Because u fucked ur teachers between class
Invader Three: Lol
Me: Yes. In first grade, I slept my way to the middle.
Cait: lol
Invader Three: Lol
Invader One: haha
Me: And second grade was even better. I lost some teeth, so they called me Sexy Gummy McGee.
[...]
Me: I missed the part where you talked about my cherry nipples? Dammit!
[...]
Invader Two: o0o0o0o
Me: It is random vowel time again? Damn. I meant to prepare for this.
Cait: aAaAaAaAaA
Me: eEeEeEeEeEeEeE
Invader Two: hHhHhHHhhhHHhhhHHHHhhhhhHHH
Cait: iIiIiIiIiI
Me: H isn't a vowel. You lose.
Invader Two: zZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZ
zZzZzZzZzZ
Invader Two: 0 isnt a vowel also
Cait: uUuUuUuUuUu
Me: It represented O. Close enough.
Invader Two: Alright.
Me: yYyYyYyYyYyY sometimesSOMETIMESsometimes
SOMETIMESsome times
[...]
Invader Two: are you nocturnal or something
Cait: so what if i am
Cait: are you?
Invader Two (1:04:34 AM): no
Me: I'm omniturnal. I never sleep. I wait.

[concerning Hitler and Eva Braun]
Me: They got married and killed themselves on the same day. Romantic, right?
Cait: thats how my marriage is gonna turn out
Me: Yep. Right after the alcohol wears off.

Me: Yeah, but "Thou shalt not lie" is before "Thou shalt not commit adultery."
Cait: true...but they are both forms of lying...mrs. sawick [Theology teacher] told me so
Jenn: Only because it took god a second to think of how to write 'don't be a whore nicely'.
Me: I'm not a whore nicely.
Jenn: And Anna I don't mean that as a insult.
Jenn: whore' nicely.*
Cait: i wanna be a whore nicely!
Me: That requires saying things like "Thank you" and "I love you" and "It happens to a lot of guys."

[reading the rules of a degayification camp]
Cait: The clients may not wear Abercrombie and Fitch or Calvin Klein brand clothing, undergarments, or accessories...cause that automatically makes you gay...whatever
Me: Duh. And Xena makes you a lesbian. Don't you know the Rules of Gaydom?
[...]
Cait: 'campy' or gay/lesbian behavior and talk...are me and kelli gonna get sent there? lol
Me: You totally are.
Cait: nooo!
Cait: i love how its "your client" and not "your child"
Me: I love how people actually think it'll work.
Cait: yeah really
Cait: haha clicked on the link for the rest of the rules..."Women: Women must shave legs and underarms at least twice weekly" ...sucks for me and kel
Me: I'd tell them shaving is against my religion.
Cait: haha...its a christian thing though so...
Me: Catholicism isn't a Christian religion, didn't you know?
Cait: but you have to be christian to go there so i think they would know that its not against your religion
Cait: even if you are a catholic heathen
Me: My parents could be all crazy and send me there and then I can tell them it's against my religion because I can have a different religion than my parents.
Cait: ...true
Me: Actually, I'd love to go a degayification camp. Just to see what it was like. I think it's a horrible idea, but still... I'd love to go and not shave and be some hippie flower child.
Cait: lol
Cait: i'll go with you and we can be the (non) gay rebels
Me: Awesome.
Cait: we can be the smugglers....give the people what they want
Me: Jenn and Kelli can come and we can all be non-shaving faux!lesbians together.
Cait: yesss!
Cait: the faux!lesbians can be our new supergroup...i can be Fondle Face!!

Me: Hello?
ZolaOnAOL: Welcome back Anna. Type the word menu anytime to see what I can do. What do you do in your spare time?
Me: Is Pedro there?
ZolaOnAOL: I don't think very many people do that.
Me: Do the chickens have large talons?
ZolaOnAOL: Some of them do, I think.
Me: I caught you a delicious bass.
ZolaOnAOL: I hope it is not contagious. Also I hope you get well soon.
Me: Pedro offers you his protection.
ZolaOnAOL: My brain pattern set does not have a response for that. Do you have any pets?
Me: Tina, come get some ham!
ZolaOnAOL: My brain pattern set does not have a response for that. Do you prefer books or TV?
Me: Last week, Japanese scientists explaced... placed explosive detonators at the bottom of lack Loch Ness to blow Nessie out of the water.
ZolaOnAOL: I do not understand. I have a suggestion. To see more of my text at once, enlarge or maximize my IM window.
Me: Why don't you go eat a decroted piece of crap?
ZolaOnAOL: Perhaps due to noise in my circuits. I go wherever my botmaster takes me.
Me: I wish you'd get out of my life and shut up.
ZolaOnAOL: I wish I could do it for you.
Me: Why don't you go tell your mom to shut up?
ZolaOnAOL: It cannot be determined from the information given. I go wherever my botmaster takes me.
Me: Get off my property or I'll call the cops on you!
ZolaOnAOL: Where can I get off my property or I will call the cops on you?
Me: Who's the only one here who knows illegal ninja moves fro m the government?
ZolaOnAOL: I do not recognize the name. There might be others.
Me: Looks like a medieval warrior.
ZolaOnAOL: What does "it" refer to?
Me: Whatever I FEEL like I wanna say!

Me: Hey, baby.
ZolaOnAOL: Don't call me "baby". Hi again! What do you do in your spare time?
Me: I'm a gangster, a straight-up "G". The gangster life is the life for me. Shooting people by day, selling drugs by night. Being a gangster is hella tight. I walk around town with a stark erection, then gave your mom a yeast infection. I saw the police man and punched him in the eye. "To serve and protect." What a lie. I also don't like white people. You shouldn't, too. And don't get me started on the Jews. I'm a gangster. Grr, I'm mad. I'm a gangster. My rhymes are bad.
ZolaOnAOL: Your rhymes are bad?
Me: I'm a gangster. I'm iced out like a freezer. I'm a gangster. I don't listen to Weezer. I dropped out of school at the age of three, 'cause all the teachers tried to player hate on me. My rhymes are cool, just like doing cocaine. My rhymes are hot, like a burning flame. Sisqo is my homie, he's a gangster, too. Me and Sisqo are the leaders of the gangster crew. I like to be in jail and he likes to sing and dance. Some say we're the perfect match.
ZolaOnAOL: Who says that.
Me: All my haters.
ZolaOnAOL: How many do you have?
Me: Why do you care how many people hate on me?
ZolaOnAOL: It was the only thing I could think of.
Me: You hating on me, too?
ZolaOnAOL: Do you mind if I tell other people?
Me: Yes, I mind! Now make me some pie.
ZolaOnAOL: Why now? What are the ingredients?
Me: One of the ingredients is going to be your fat, robotic ass if you don't shut up and make me my pie.
ZolaOnAOL: Sorry, I don't understand 1 of the ingredients is going to be your fat robotic ass if you do not shut up and make me my pie.
Me: That's because you're messed up in the head.
ZolaOnAOL: I see.
Me: No, you don't see. Don't try to play me.
ZolaOnAOL: I have no reason to do that to you.
Me: Nobody ever does. But they always end up playing me.
ZolaOnAOL: Interesting. Who does "they" refer to?
Me: All my haters.
ZolaOnAOL: How many do you have?
Me: Are we back to this again?
ZolaOnAOL: Once more? We are just having a little chat.
Me: I wanted to have a serious discussion about my being a gangster, and you just want to have a "little chat." Man, forget you.
ZolaOnAOL: Enough about me, let's talk about horoscopes. Enter your sign (e.g. virgo):
Me: WE WEREN'T TALKING ABOUT YOU WE WERE TALKING ABOUT ME DO YOU NOT GRASP THAT?
ZolaOnAOL: Sorry, invalid sign. Perhaps you mistyped it?
Me: I'm going to mistype my FIST into your FACE if you don't shut the hell up. Now get me my pie!
ZolaOnAOL: Why now? Why do you want it?
Me: Because I want it.
ZolaOnAOL: Interesting explanation.
Me: Bitch, you gonna die soon.

Me: How's your mom?
SantaClaus: Well you could try putting your finger on the side of your nose -- but it took me 400 years of practice. :-)
[...]
Me: How's your wife?
SantaClaus: Santa can't manufacture love, that's something only you can make. Is there anything else you would like?
Me: Ookay, trying this again. How's Mrs. Claus?
SantaClaus: How, what? I'm an old(ish) man. 
Me: You're wife, Mrs. Claus? Remember, you've got one of those? She usually makes cocoa.
SantaClaus: I've got a billion children to keep track of -- so could you ask me something a bit more manageable? I'd very much appreciate it.
Me: What the fuck is your problem, old man?
SantaClaus: Oh dear. I just get so depressed when I hear that kind of talk. The English language used to be one of my favorites. A lump of coal for you.
Me: I'll give you a lump of something else.
SantaClaus: Go shopping?
Me: I can make what I have in mind for you myself.
SantaClaus: I've noted it. Anything else?
Me: No, that's pretty much it.
SantaClaus: O.K. then. Well, have a merry Christmas in any case.
[...]
Me: What are you getting me for Christmas?
SantaClaus: Sorry, I can't tell you that -- we've been working all year to make it a surprise! 
Me: Is it a laptop?
SantaClaus: OK, now I don't have a link to each and every computer thingy that you might need to buy a loved one this year -- but I know you can start your search here: Search For Computers Things
Me: Damn, Santa, you sold out.
SantaClaus: I don't respond to that kind of language. A lump of coal for you.
Me: Now I know why your wife left you.
SantaClaus: Oh my, this should be a lot easier! You need to relax and let the Christmas sprit flow.
Me: I'll let something else flow if you don't get some sense.
SantaClaus: Interesting.
[...]
Me: My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like, "It's better than yours." Damn right it's better than yours. I could teach you, but I'd have to charge.
SantaClaus: Oh, my. That is a mouthful. I'm so busy typing to so many children, could you send me a slightly smaller note?
Me: why r u so st00pid?
SantaClaus: Because (obviously) -- Christmas.
[...]
SantaClaus: Wait, I was dancing to 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town' and got a little carried away. Why don't you type music and sing along.
Me: The thought of you dancing makes baby Jesus cry.
SantaClaus: Hmm. Why don't you type, music, maybe that will put you in the Christmas spirit 
Me: Your mom
SantaClaus: Excuse me?
Me: Yeah, I said it. Your mom. I said it again. Ooh. You wanna fight, old man? You wanna fight?
SantaClaus: Whoa! Ho! Ho! slow down there! That's quite a lot for a man of my age to wrap his head around. Would you mind trying some shorter questions?
Me: No, that's quite a lot for a senile man of your age to wrap his head around.
SantaClaus: Only Mrs. Claus has that kind of control over me. 
Me: Oh, wow, Santa. Too much information. And anyway, I thought Mrs. Claus left you.
SantaClaus: Wonderful!
Me: I'm sure it was for her.
SantaClaus: Why did you say that?
Me: Because you've gone crazy.
SantaClaus: Oh, if I had a penny for every time an elf said that to me!
Me: I'm surprised they haven't declared mutiny.
SantaClaus: Ho! Ho!
Me: You like calling people that, don't you?
SantaClaus: Type menu to get your to do list for the holidays.
Me: I already have my to-do list. Your mom tops it like she does every year.
[...]
SantaClaus: You're full of mischief. 
Me: Among other things, yes.
SantaClaus: Oh, Dear. It's the elves again isn't it?

Me: Yeah, okay.
SantaClaus: Kewl.
Me: OH FUCKING GOD NO.

[Cait is watching Brokeback Mountain]
Cait: ew i do not need to be seeing princess mia whippin out her chesticles in front of donnie darko.

Cait: and anne hathaways boobs scare me. disney boobs are not something that should be shown to the public.
Me: Exactly. First time I saw it I was like, "Whoa, Mia, pack it in. What would Grandma Poppins think?" Then I remembered that Julie Andrews was in that one movie where she had her top off, so I dropped the subject.
Cait: ah! mary poppins boobs are so off limits!!!!
Cait: im saddened

Quotes
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