My cat, Stormy, is a furry little thing. He's an amazing listener, at least when he's awake. Or not high off catnip. Or not licking himself. Or... well, you get the idea.
Anyway, I thought it would be a great idea to give him an advice column. He'll
be like Dear Abby, only his claws are real, if a little ragged. Look, you pin
him down to clip his nails. It's not an easy task. Regardless, I'm certain he is
amazing at advice, and I'm giving him his chance. So send your questions to [email protected]
with the subject "Ask Stormy," and he'll get back to you as soon as
possible. Have patience. He has no thumbs.Also, if you like Stormy's column, I guess you could call it, feel free to add him on MySpace or Catster. He's a hip little furball, if nothing else. He's all down with the funky widgets you children are fiddling with. That, or I have way too much time on my hands and waste it on the internet while he chews on little vet voodoo dolls. I prefer the former, so I'll go with that one.
Dear Stormy,
Today at the mall I saw about 80 kids wearing those fucking skate shoes. Its Christmas rush hour. What the hell goes on in parents minds? If it was my fucking kid
I slap them. There were like 40,000 people at the mall and there is just no room for this sort of behavior. What do you suggest as a solution to this conundrum?
Signed,
Fed Up in Filadelfia
or
Phed Up in Philadelphia
or just
Fucking Fed Up in Philadelphia
p.s.
I sorta accidentally pushed one of the kids on the skate shoes down an escalator. How do you suggest I apologize for this and/or hide from the cops?
Thanks!
Dear Indecisive Consonants,
I understand the problem. Lots of people do things that annoy me. Like dressing me up in stupid collars with jingle bells on them. My advice? Bite them. Bite them as hard as you can. And if fabric gets in the way, really gnaw on them. Show them that you aren't going to take this lying down. This nonsense has gone far enough, and it's not acceptable.
In regards to your PS, I know a few officers of the law. They hate those things as much as the next sane person. I wouldn't worry.
Glad to help,
Stormy
Dear Stormy,
Why is Brandon Davis so foul? And why doesnt his family love him? Surely a
family who cared would not let a loved one out of the house/rehab looking worse
than that beast at Hallahan.
Signed,
Skippy LaRue
Dear Skippy,
Brandon Davis, beach bum billionaire heir, is indeed foul. Recent pictures have shown him lounging on the beach, one presumes frying in his own grease. I have no earthly idea why people like Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, or Mischa Barton hang around Mr. Davis. One's heart goes out most to Ms. Barton, who dated the creature. You may dislike her, but you have to pity her, because certainly she has no discernable taste in mates. Or clothing, for that matter.
As for the question of Mr. Davis's family, I would have to say that his family doesn't love him. Take his grandmother, for instance. She insists that her grandson and Lindsay Lohan have dated. This can't help his image. Not that much can, but I feel he can destruct quite nicely on his own.
It does one good to remember this simple fact: he will go away. He is famous for being a rich person's child, and once he stops being interesting tabloid fodder, he'll go away. Also, he's a good reminder to stock up on Clean & Clear Oil-Absorbing Sheets.
I
hope I helped,
Stormy