Ways to Conquer the world
Way 1: 1.)Get a respectable cover profile to hide your interst in live organ transplants, your membership of the KGB(so, you thought we had gone, hey?), and your building up of an arsenal of terrorist weapons and explosives.2.)Gather a collection of ne'erdowells who rely solely upon your success to rise in the world. Secure their utter allegiance through dark rites, blackmail, and signed workplace agreements.
3.) Infiltrate a number of government and social organizations, and arrange for imbeciles to be placed in positions of power and influence.( Guess who our man in the White House is....)
4.) Precipitate a global economic crises that coincides with several wars and revolutions, and discredit the existing authorities- "Loose a lion upon the streets"
5.) Use this to ruthlessly destroy your opposition among the insurgent groups, and absorb them under young wing. Grow either a luxuriant flowign black moustache, or a clipped square one resembling an eraser. Wear military uniforms, and develop a nervous twitch that will enthrall the ladies.
6.)Come out into the open, and prove youurself to be the only force capable of establishing order. Be vague and populist with youur policies and promises, and generous to your troops, and the mob. Arrange several acts of heroism to secure youur reputation. Make sure your inner cabinet includes some vey good looking men and women in peripheral areas, and respectable academics in specialized areas. Be everything to everyone. Kill secretly any opposition, and blame it on the scapegoats, and destroy them, acting as the arm of justice.- "Let it roam, and kill, so it enhances fear. Then slay it, as George did the dragon."
7.)Triumphantly assume official power, promising to enshrine democracy, freedom and justice and all that. Reveal your nuclear capability to ward off the US or anyone else. Give complete diplomatic assurances that you have no expansionist desires, and will only be a transitionary administration. Name yourself the "Government of National Unity", or "The National Uprising"
8.) Cut taxes, build public works, enhance health and education, whilst boosting the military to astronomical levles. Make sure you have a capable air force and blue water fleet, and submarines with ominous colour/monthe combinations: "Red October", "Mauve January", and of course "Cerulean August". Hold torch lit rallies to boost moral, and put your undeground secret police into full action. "Disappear" those opponents who are left, preferably to Madagascar ( which means a shallow grave in the woods).
9.) Launch a evil satellite that is capable of deploying a city destroying "LASER". Find yourself a cat to sit on your lap, and dress in pseudo-futuristic Mao suits( Maybe even have yourself cloned or bonsaied) Create an incident to gives you an excuse to invade someone, preferably Poland, France or Malaria. Embark on a world wide program of conquest using "salami" tactics. Don't woory about the superpowers, our sleeper president, woops, i mean AGENT will ensure they remain isolationist to the end. The literal end, when our T-100s are rolling up Pensylvania Avenue. Aide/Secret Serviceman: "Mr President, what shall we do? The evil army is just outside, and clamouring for your blood!" President X: "What evil army? The press? The Copngress? The poor?" Aide: "No sir, the forces of the Peoples Extremely Democratic Republic of Darkshade" President X: "Oh, I don't think thats a federal matter. Let the mayor take care of it, I'm going for a nap, and then some reading lessons. And remind me to bomb Iraq at five, Dad said so" KABOOOOOOM!!! Whoops, these tanks guns have awfully slippery triggers... Install a puppet government, and proceed to rule the entire planet with a bauxite fist (an iron fist is so last century..) Oh yes, and kill everyone, so you can run around the world, screaming: "IT'S MINE! ALL MINE! IT'S FINALLY MINE!!!"
Copyright 2001. Simon Darkshade the Very Naughty