Kiddie Affairs
It is a peaceful Sunday morning in the house -despite the grumbling, the housemates seem to have come together as a group thanks to the team building yesterday - or at least to Mahler and Wolf's interference..
(Wagner pacing back and forth in the downstairs hallway on the phone.)
Wagner: no, no, Otto, it's not a question of indifference or sloth or lack of will - this is entirely a matter of revolutionizing the way art works --- ... Yes, I am well aware that you have your petty monetary concerns, but please try - ,..... (sighs in exasperation) What "insult"? How can you speak of such nonsense? you don't actually mean to suggest that by pestering me for a pittance of $2,000 that you're accomplishing some sort of "Artistic Act on Behalf of Humanity"! It's simple transitory economics, why 50 years from now when the artwork of the future is flourishing and the value-system of the race has been entirely restructured, not a single soul will care about your nugatory layaway payments or whether or not you lent me $2,000 or $20!! .....--this cuts right to the very heart of the problem - art for money's sake--.....(Wagner makes a variety of displeased expressions as the person on the other end rants with equal vigor)......-I DON'T HAVE IT! I shall contact you the very minute I come into possession of it!!! (hangs up) DAMN fool money-grubbing --- How is an artist to nurture the seeds of genius when he is assailed by all type of small-minded business persons!?
Brahms(has come in backdoor, letter in hand): I don't know how an artist is to do anything when he's assailed by so much pink satin-- What in the world could you need (looks down at letter) 30 yards-worth for??
Wagner(turns furiously): What!?
Brahms(shakes head): Can't be healthy, Richard. All things in moderation, you know--
Later, Mussorgsky emerges from the TV room - but apparently not for the first time today. He is dressed nicely and ready to head out for a day on the town. He opens the front door just in time for Mrs. Hickman to stop ringing the doorbell.
MrsHickman: Ah, Modest!
Mussorgsky: Hi
Child1: HI!
Child2: HI!
Mussorgsky: uh -
MrsHickman(invites herself in, with two rambunctious 5 year olds): This is Hunter (pats the girl's head of blond curls) and this is Jayden. (the boy smiles mischievously) Kids, this is Modest. He's going to be taking care of you while grandma goes out. You're dressed nicely today, Modest - I hope you weren't planning to take them out! I'm afraid they're not quite ready for that..
Mussorgsky: oh.. no. It's just.. uh.. I make it a goal of mine to pick one day a week to dress up, just on principle - and today was the last day of the week...
MrsHickman: Well don't get dirty with the kids (whispers) they love playdoh. Ok, I have to get going! Thanks, again, Modest! (walks out, closes door; Mussorgsky is standing in confusion)
Jayden: LOOK a piano! (they run in and start banging on it)
Muss(sighs) ughh, sounds like Charles! (suddenly Bach opens the front door and enters triumphantly)
Bach: No complaints - no gross errors! - no finishing two bars before I do - just pure musical praise of God! (stands basking for a moment- until he notices the pained expression of Mussorgsky) What?
Mussorgsky: I am overbooked!
Bach: You!?
Mussorgsky: I have a meeting that I planned, but these kids - those kids (points at the piano room; Bach frowns) Mrs. Hickman's grandkids - I promised to watch over.. I forgot everything was today!
Bach: oh, well, I suppose I could keep an eye on them while you're gone...
Mussorgsky: oh you could?! I cant repay you - I'm eternally in your debt--
Bach: None of this eternal soul business. They can't possibly get into any more trouble than Wolfy.
Mussorgsky: just don't let them play with him. It would be a disaster. Bye! (runs out)
Bach(shakes head): he's so different when he's sober (turns to the kids) HEY kids!
(Jayden and Hunter look at him warily from the piano)
Jayden: Whos that?
Bach: I'm J.S. I'm your new babysitter - Modest had to run out but he'll be back. (sits with them at the piano) Do you like music?
Jayden(the coy drawl): yeahhhhhh......
Bach: good! I like music too. Maybe I can teach you something. (plays a triad, holds the keys down) Look at those three notes - can you hit three - with a space between each?
(Hunter slams a fist down on the keyboard; Bach flinches. Jayden, not to be outdone, leans both arms across his section of the keyboard)
Bach: uh... just three notes!
(Hunter responds with her other fist -- cacophonous polyphony breaks out as both kids try to play louder)
Bach: Ok, that's enough!
(Enter Ives)
Ives: That sounds good - JS!? (then he sees the kids) Hey, whose kids are those?
(they turn and regard the newcomer wide-eyed)
Bach: Mrs. Hickman's grandkids-
Ives: Who?
Bach: you know, the old biddie who's always bothering about Mahler's begonias - something to do with the Women's Club. Modest is supposed to be babysitting for her.
Ives: Well why isn't he watching them then??
Bach: I'm being charitable.. He overbooked himself.
Ives: Workless Bohemians can't even keep a schedule straight!
Bach: What are you going to do -- here, why don't you play one of your compositions for them? They might like your style...
Ives: Fine, kids! Let's sing a song!
Hunter: Yay!
(Ives takes Bach's place at the piano, gently moves the children aside)
Ives: I need ALL of the keyboard... (looks at them) Do you know that song You're a Grand Old Flag?
Jayden: No
Ives: how about America the Beautiful?
Hunter: uhhhhh no
Ives: (smirks) Ok... (busts out into song, accompanying himself in traditional triadic harmonies with V-I progressions) MY COUNTRY TISSSS OF THEE
(The kids light up and start to sing along)
All: SWEET LAND OF LIBERTY - OF THEE I SIIIIIING! (the kids gasp for air as if to start the next section, but Ives breaks out into loud atonal variations on the keyboard - the children watch in horror as he continues to sing the tune as if nothing had happened)
Ives: LAND WHERE MY FATHERS DIED -- (bang - crash - glissando) LAND OF THE PILGRIMS' PRIDE -
Jayden(offended): thats not how it goes!!!
Hunter: you messed up!! (covers ears) stop!
Bach(laughs): I like how its fine when THEY do it!!
(Enter Wagner, pen and writing pad in hand)
Wagner: What is this insupportable cacophony!!
(Ives stops and glares at Wagner, waiting for the appropriate insult to come to mind--)
Hunter(sees Wagner, points): HAT!
Wagner: This is not a "hat," child, this is a beret.
Jayden(giggles): its purple
Wagner: And -- I beg your pardon, young sir -- this is a fine shade of mauve.
Jayden: its funny-
Ives: It IS funny - the damned color of women's underwear, I tell you!
(the kids laugh riotously; Wagner's eyes narrow)
Bach: No cussing in front of the kids!!
Jayden: he said underwear haheheehehe
Wagner(to Ives): YOU don't happen to know the first thing about women's undergarments -- However, I shall magnanimously inform you, as there seems to be no sure indication that you ever will come into personal contact with them -- that they happen to exist in a wide variety of colors and designs!
(the kids are rolling on the floor laughing as Ives splutters, trying to find a response)
Bach: Not in front of the kids!!! (he tries to gather them and leave the room, but they are too busy giggling and snorting. Enter Mozart, grinning mischievously - Bach stares at him) oh no --- don't even come in here, Wolfgang Amadeus-
Mozart: gee, guys, what's going on??
Wagner: Nothing. (turns and parades out)
Mozart(squats down so as to talk better to the kids): hi! Whats going on?
(the kids take one glance at Mozart and immediately accept him)
Jayden(still giggling): he said underwear
Mozart: hehehehe -- which one?
Hunter: hehahahaha
Jayden: the hat guy
Mozart: Ah well! I suppose he knows what he's talking about!
Bach: All right, Wolfgang, you want to play with the kids? YOU play with them for a while!
Mozart(looks up at Bach): Whose kids are they??
Bach: Hickman's grandkids..
Mozart: Can we hold them hostage to ensure that the Women's Club never comes to our house again?? (looks at the kids, eyebrows way up) You wanna play Hostage?!
Kids: YEAAA!
Bach: No-- Ok, I'm just leaving the room... (exit)
Ives: I'm going to write down the song we sang, kids-
(they eye him warily)
Mozart: Come on, kids - let's go play outside - we can play hide and seek - with Ludwig's dogloo!
15 minutes later--
Beethoven: ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!!!!!
Mozart: DONT LET HIM GET YOU! HE'LL EAT YOU!!
Jayden(running around backyard, screaming gleefully with Beethoven's composition notebook tucked under one arm): AEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Beethoven(running after him): COME BACK HERE!
Mozart: Hahahahaah (folds arms across stomach) HAHHAHHA--- Pass it to Hunter!!!
Hunter(also running, screaming): AEEEEEEEEE!!!
(Jayden keeps the book, but runs behind the dogloo, keeping it between him and Beethoven - Beethoven finally just picks up the dogloo and hurls it aside)
Jayden(freezes): AHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!
(Suddenly Brahms jumps down from the tree - lands directly between the two, shoves his own notebook in Beethoven's face.)
Brahms: LOOK, Ludwig -- I finished the quartet!!
Beethoven(nearly falls over trying to stop): gra -- GAHHH!!
Mozart: HAHAHA - Excellent form, Johannes!! hahahaha-- RUN, JAYDEN!! (Jayden takes off again, while Brahms strategically keeps the book in Beethoven's face)
Beethoven: WHAT - YOU! --- You let him get away!
Brahms: (takes notebook down, revealing a big grin) yes, I did! Because I finished the quartet! It's not awful -- I might not even burn it for a whole week!
(Mozart bounces over)
Mozart: that means you can play with us - play!
Brahms: What are you playing?
Beethoven(glares - he is surrounded): .. I hate kids (to Mozart) If I find my notebook is damaged in any way.......
Mozart: What - you can't quit!
Beethoven: you have a new playmate. (gestures to Brahms)
Brahms: Good - would you put this in my room then? (hands him notebook)
Beethoven: grrr.....(stalks off)
Jayden(from other side of yard): HEYYYYY wheres he goin?!
Mozart: He doesn't want to play anymore!!
Jayden: Awwwww!
Hunter: AWWWWW!
Mozart(calls after beethoven): LOOK, YOU'VE HURT THE POOR ANGELS' FEELINGS! THEY'RE SUFFERING ON ACCOUNT OF YOU!
(Beethoven casts up a hand before disappearing into the house)
Mozart(turns back to the group, which has gathered under the tree): All right then. Let's play Capture the Flag. Boys vs girls. (pause) That means Jayden's on my team. (grins)
Brahms: youre going down...
Mozart: BRING IT!!
(The kids jump around in excited energy)
Mozart: Ok - ok - I propose since theres only two on a team - that we have the SAME flag that we are trying to capture. Whichever team gets it first.
Brahms: Who will defend it then?
Mozart: It will be.... naturally defended... For example... Richard's beret.... (to the kids) You know the hat guy-? we're going to get his hat!
Kids : YAY!
Brahms: No, you're not... Hunter and I are going to get his hat..
Mozart: oh - just talk!
Brahms: Let's go -
Mozart: Let's time it.... 5 minute challenge....
Cut to inside of house shortly thereafter - Mozart and Jayden are sneaking in the upstairs hallway, peeking around a corner into one of the bedrooms. Wagner is sitting on his bed writing furiously.
Mozart(whispers): ok - go!
Jayden(toddles in, grinning): hi
Wagner: Oh? Yes? Do you need the assistance of Richard Wagner? I'll have you know I am not a day care specialist..
Jayden(grinning): can I see your hat??
Wagner: Beret, child, beret!
Jayden(still grinning): ....beray??
Wagner: Why this smug smirk? What plans have you for my beret? Why do you ask for it?
Jayden: ...cause I wanna see it.......?
Wagner: You may see it perfectly well from where you are.
Jayden: no i wanna hold it.
Wagner: Why?
Jayden: ... cause... uh.... i wanna hold it.
Wagner: I'm afraid you must work on your logical-reasoning skills. How old are you?
Jayden: four and a half.
Wagner: Well they ought to start teaching rhetoric in school by then... You'll simply have to admire my beret from where you are.
Jayden: but..
Wagner: You may admire in silence now, unless you have anything else to say...
Jayden: uh... its pretty?
Wagner: I am well aware of the aesthetic values of my colorful headgear. Now please let me write in peace. I am busy.
(Jayden looks helplessly back to Mozart, who is watching from the doorway - but little does Mozart know that he himself is being watched. Further down the hall Brahms and Hunter have been plotting their strategic attack from the bathroom)
Brahms: Ok... so what do we have?
Hunter(holds up the supplies they've gathered): uh... jumprope .. and.... umbrella...rocks...(she has grabbed some Chakra stones of Hildegard's)...
Brahms: Ok. Let's tie up Wolfy with the rope. (He takes it) Bring the stones too - and the umbrella...
Hunter: yeah ok! (They are about to leave when Tchaikovsky opens the door, Hunter looks up at him wide-eyed)
Tchaikovsky: Oh, how precious!
Brahms: uh, Pyotr-
Tchaikovsky: oh look you two could be s- related!
Brahms(rolls eyes): We were just leaving, excuse us - (they sneak down the hall - Mozart is still absorbed watching the attack on Wagner)
Jayden: I wanna hat
Wagner: (keeps writing)
(Jayden starts to sneak closer)
Wagner: I hope you don't think you are going to take my beret by force, young man. I can see you even in your clumsy approach - I am as ARGUS the hundred-eyed monster guarding his precious treasure!
Jayden: .. beray??
Wagner: Good, you've learned a new word. Now kindly leave.
(Mozart suddenly yelps from the hallway - both turn in that direction)
Mozart: HELP -- FOUL PLAY!! asgh- (this is cut off abruptly with the slam of a door)
Wagner: What in... (stands; Jayden looks up at his head - so close and yet so far -- Wagner goes to the hall to investigate. He is faced, on either side of the doorway, by Brahms and Hunter, each trying to look as innocent as possible, an especially difficult task since Hunter is holding the umbrella behind her back) Did my ears deceive me or is there some foul plot afoot? (He frowns at the sounds of muffled yells from the closet) What is that?
Hunter(holds out handful of stones): Wanna rock, mister?
Wagner(squints): Those are not your stones, my -- (freezes as the muffled yells suddenly become clear "HELP JAYDEN -- IM CAUGHT IN THE HALL CLOSET!!" - Brahms suddenly snatches for the beret, but Wagner seizes his wrist) HAH - FOUL FIEND CAUGHT!!
Brahms: ow shit! I mean -- darn!
Wagner(slams him back into the wall, other hand at neck): WHERE ARE THOSE LETTERS, MALEFACTORIOUS SWINE!?
Brahms: - agh--
Hunter: hey!! no fair!! (beats Wagner with umbrella; in the commotion, no one notices Jayden sneak out and follow the sound of Mozart's cries to the closet. he opens the door and starts untying the jump rope.)
Wagner: Excuse me, madam---(turns to scowl down at Hunter, but she throws the stones at him, more than one hitting him squarely in the face) AGH - GAH- THE IMPISH CHILD WOULD BLIND ME!! (drops Brahms in the meantime) GOD-
(Brahms grabs the beret and Hunter, takes off down the hall)
Wagner: MY HAT!! -- BERET!!! SCHEMING NE'ER DO WELLS! (runs after them)
Mozart(sits up, untied): you SAVED me, Jayden!
Jayden: they got the hat!!!
Mozart: DA--A-- RNNN. Unless we stop them before they get to the kitchen! LETS GO! (they charge down the hall)
(Cut to kitchen where Strozzi, Zacara, and Liszt are playing gin rummy. There are a few glasses of Scotch and some cash on the table. Brahms runs in, child tucked under one arm, Wagner's mauve beret in the other hand. He slides to a halt in front of the microwave, whose timer reads 00:00:10.)
Brahms: OHhhh look - and 10 seconds left!
Strozzi(laughing): What are you DOING? where'd the child come from???
Brahms(puts down Hunter, they high five): we won!
(Wagner comes blustering in)
Wagner: Trying to steal ALL of my possessions now?! (the microwave timer beeps obnoxiously in the middle of his question) Turn that off!
Brahms: This is home base, you can't attack us here. (folds arms)
Wagner: What - BASE - What nonsense! This is not a game!
Hunter: yeah it is!! (folds arms like Brahms)
Liszt(chuckles): the children know better, as usual..
(Enter Mozart and Jayden)
Mozart: AWWW MAN --
Wagner(spins): YOU - what is the meaning of this?
Mozart: We're playing capture the flag, of course! The girls' team won - but only on account of foul play!
Zacara: Girls' Team! ah hah--
Strozzi: Of course the girls' team won.. When it comes to games of skill and quick thinking, we usually do...
Zacara: That includes sneaking out of restaurants dressed in Red Hat club outfits, does it?
Strozzi: heh heh..I guess I should settle that at some point...
Liszt: Haven't you talked to him yet?
Strozzi: Neither one has given me any indication that he's alive yet...
Mozart(to Brahms): All right, all right - you may have won the first round, but there's more to come. Johannes, you have to return the beret.
Brahms: Do we have to?
Mozart: I'm afraid so.
Zacara: You know you're in trouble when Wolfgang is the voice of reason... (the others chuckle)
(Brahms hands the beret to Hunter who prances over to Wagner and offers it to him. Wagner only smirks and takes the beret, places it properly on his head, and adjusts it to a slight angle.)
Wagner: Thank you, madam. (exit)
Jayden: whats next?
Strozzi: What are you playing? This sounds like a fun game..
Jayden(proudly): it is.
Mozart: It's capture the flag with real objects from housemates.
Strozzi: More fun than rummy! I might join...
Brahms: Good, you're on our team.
Mozart: Wait -that's not fair.
Strozzi(gets up, stands between Brahms and Hunter): Sure it is - this is the girls' team, isn't it?
Mozart(chagrinned, trying to avoid the triumphant smirk from Brahms): Well, yes, but you're outnumbering us.
Liszt: Good - I'll join! (stands abruptly)
Zacara: Hey hey hey hey -- you're losing here!
Liszt: I forfeit. Can't leave Wolfgang and.. his friend all alone..
Zacara(shaking head): Oh, you cheats...
Mozart: Barbara, Franz, this is Hunter and Jayden. They are Mrs. Hickman's grandkids, and good sports, as long as you don't perform any of Charles's songs..
Zacara(facetiously): gee, why would those upset a pair of kids??
Mozart: I don't know!! Ok, so what should our next "flag" be??
Zacara: How about..... Pyotr's silk scarf - you know, the electric blue one???
Mozart: Oh, that's too easy -
Zacara: no, no - he's upstairs, isn't he? If he's not in the bathroom, then he's gotta be in his room - and that's where the scarf is...
Strozzi(starts to walk out): Too easy ! I'll just ask to borrow it.
Mozart: Nah - we need to steal something from Charles.. (silence as they ponder)
Liszt: How about that shiny black briefcase he is always toting around?
Mozart: Ahhh! Good thinking, Franz! -- then we can see what's IN it!
Zacara(stands, stretches): This sounds like trouble I might like to see.. Maybe I'll play too.. (the children, seeing him in his full deformed glory, shrink behind whichever adult is closest) Which team am I on?
Hunter(points across the room): that team
Jayden: no
Strozzi(laughs): aw, they're scared of you!
Zacara: ah, nothing to be scared of here, kids - look, I'm not even real a person - I'll take an eye out - its fake, see? - (reaches as if he will; Hunter whimpers, Jayden hides his eyes in Mozart's shirt.)
Liszt: Now you are REALLY scaring them! Cut that out!
Zacara: not going to CUT it -- just--
Strozzi: let's go, kids! (walks out, the others follow; Zacara chuckles, sits down again and starts gathering the cards for a game of solitaire. Mozart suddenly runs back in, sets the microwave timer to five minutes, runs out again.)
Across the hall in the den, Tchaikovsky is trying to compose a new song for Desiree, but of course the recent emotional trauma has upset him. Cue his cell phone -
Phone: (Mozart's Turkish March)
Tchaik(jumps nervously): Why is it always so loud?? ?(finds phone, looks at name - unavailable) What?? Better not be a telemarketer.. Hello??
SPLIT SCREEN SITCOM -- Yuri is lounging against the wall of a phone booth, one ankle crossed over the other.
Yuri: Hi Pyotr...
Tchaik(none too pleased): YURI!
Yuri: Don't sound so happy to hear from me.. What are you doing? I haven't heard from you in two days---
Tchaik: Where are you calling from?
Yuri(nonchalantly): Phone booth.. .You hadn't returned any of my calls..
Tchaik: You think you'd get the hint and leave me alone for a few days! I thought you were a telemarketer!
Yuri: Hah - and you still answered? Deep down you were hoping it was me.
Tchaik(defensively): I can't resist a mystery... that's all.
Yuri(matter of factly): You can't do this to me: not call for two days. You were going to give me the report on your "date," weren't you?
Tchaik: It's not your business!
Yuri(same vein): But you're so cold-hearted. I'm dying of loneliness over here. I haven't eaten for days!
Tchaik: You're such a damned liar. You wouldn't give up food - you can eat twice your weight in one sitting!
Yuri: It's true. So you can imagine how much more acute the pain is for me. I'm wasting away. There won't be anything left of me for you to embrace when you finally come to your senses and realize that that silly tart Desiree is not interested in you!
Tchaik(furious): how dare you! Why that woman has more artistic sensitivity in her pinky finger than you do in your entire being!! I don't want to hear it - I - I'm not speaking to you!
Yuri(not at all concerned): Yep, see you at school tomorrow..
Tchaik: ARGH! (hangs up, storms about the room for a minute)
(Yuri hangs up, smirks in thought. The smell of barbeque chicken catches his attention, so he follows his nose to the restaurant across the street.)
--END SPLIT SCREEN SITCOM--
Meanwhile upstairs, the girls' team is planning their next attack from the bathroom, which they seem to have claimed as their home base. All three are perched on the bathtub edge..
Strozzi: Ok, we should do a reconnaisance mission - Hunter, go into the second door on the left (points out hallway) this side -- and see if you can find the black case. If he's not there, take it. If he is, just tell him you're lost and want a snack. Then one of us will sneak in and take it when he's gone. Ok? We got you covered.
Hunter: Ok. (exit. they watch her sneak down the hallway)
Brahms: That was easy.
Strozzi: I'm amused that you're ok with being on the girls team.
Brahms: Oh, it's fine. Much better playmates... (winks, she chuckles. Liszt, Mozart, and Jayden go sneaking past)
Strozzi: Uh oh... backup time. I'll take Wolfgang, you get Franz.
Brahms: Check. (exuent)
Mozart(glances over his shoulder, notes the approach of Strozzi and Brahms): Ah.. Jayden, you go ahead.. we'll handle these two..
Jayden: yeah (runs up to the door, peeks in, Mozart and Liszt turn around to confront the other two - it looks like a scene out of West Side Story)
Mozart: Well, well, well.... we meet again....
Brahms: So Franz, ... about those letters...
Liszt: Oh? I have nothing to do with them now.
Strozzi: What's this, Wolfy? Going to let the kids duke it out?
Mozart: I trust Jayden completely....
Cut to the bedroom - Ives has stopped reading and is talking to Hunter.
Ives: You liked the song?
Hunter: I wanna sing..
Ives: Oh! Well, I can always take some time out of my Sunday for music-making - that's what the weekends are for, after all! (starts to leave with her - Hunter stops in her tracks when she sees Jayden at the door)
Jayden: Hi!
Ives: We were just going to sing another song, want to come?
Jayden(does not hide his revulsion): no
Ives: Well, there's no reason to stay in here then. (Jayden walks over to the window and looks outside) ... come on.. let's go...
Hunter(points suddenly to Ives's black briefcase, which is on top of a dresser): whats that?
Ives: Oh, thats where I keep papers for my work.
Hunter: its pretty. can I see?
Ives: Well, it's nothing special, come, let's go sing a song.
Jayden: i wanna see it!
Ives: Uh.... (suspiciously) Why are you so interested in my briefcase, kids?
(Enter Hildegard)
Hildegard: Ah, Charles - you wouldn't happen to know anything about the suspicious convention in the hallway, would you?
Ives: ...... convention?
(the children watch tensely)
Hildegard: Wolfgang, Johannes, Franz, and Barbara are all just... loitering in the middle of the hallway. When I asked what was going on, Wolfgang said "We're wondering, if we were to repaint the walls, what color we'd use."
Ives: Yeah, it's always suspicious when Wolfgang starts talking about painting.. You know he told his father the other day that we were painting the living room?
Hildegard: Yes, and you know who his accomplice was?
Ives: Yeah -
(Seeing the adults busy conversing, Jayden makes a dash for the briefcase - he grabs it and runs for the door, but Hunter is also paying attention)
Hunter: HEY!!
Ives(grabs briefcase as Jayden tries to pass): Excuse me! What are you kids doing?!
Hildegard: They're worse than our regular housemates!
(Liszt and Strozzi appear at the doorway)
Liszt(concerned): Something wrong?
Ives: Why are these kids after my briefcase? (clutches it protectively to his chest) Did you set them up for this?
Strozzi: Now, now, Charles, would I do such a thing?? (pouts)
Hildegard: Does this have anything to do with the convention in the hall? If Wolfgang and Johannes are involved, it has to be trouble.
Liszt: I think you're all making a mountain out of a molehill.. the kids were probably just.. enticed by the shininess of your briefcase - and it's a mystery, they can't tell what's inside, therefore, they have to see....
Ives(opens, shows it to the kids): Look, just papers! Nothing for you. (the kids look disappointed) Now run along - or come sing with me. (they back up)
(Liszt and Strozzi "stroll" back out again; Hildegard leaves with a wary expression. The children are left with Ives, who is regarding them suspiciously)
Ives: Who wants my briefcase?
Jayden: i do
Ives: No, which of the adults wants it?
Hunter: no one
Jayden: yeah nobody
Back in the hallway, the adults are getting impatient.
Mozart: What are they doing in there?
Strozzi: Charles is being difficult.
Mozart: Well we can take him, Franz - let's go! (marches off)
Brahms: Wait a minute..
Strozzi: We could also take him.. (they follow)
Ives, thus, is rather disturbed to see our four determined-looking housemates storm into the room. The kids cheer at the sight.
Mozart: Charles, Surrender your briefcase.
Ives: Or what!?
Brahms: I'm calling the mafia.
Liszt: yeah, I hear you're on a first-name basis with one of them now??
Brahms(chagrinned): miiight not call...
Mozart: Come on, Charles, statistically speaking, you don't stand a chance. It's 6 to 1. If you're really wise, you'll just put the briefcase down, then stand back....
Ives: What do you want my briefcase for!?
Hunter: capture the flag!
Ives: This is not a flag!!
Mozart: I'm counting to THREE, young man!! ONNNNEEE
Ives(offended): I think you're talking to the wrong person --
Mozart: TWOOOOO....
Ives: You have a damned nerve expecting me to just--
Mozart: THREE! ADULTS ATTACK - KIDS GET BRIEFCASE!!
(they rush him and knock him back into the lower bunk bed - Ives fights back valiantly, but they pin him down and finally tug the briefcase out of his hands; it flies onto the floor where the two kids lunge for it. A struggle ensues, but Jayden manages to get away with the prize.. Hunter runs after him)
Mozart: GO JAYDEN! YES!
Ives: LET ME GO!!!! Franz -- You EAT with me every morning - how can you?!
Liszt: Just a game!
Mozart: Come on! (runs out after the kids, the others follow, leaving a furious Ives on the bed)
Cut to downstairs - enter Robert Schumann and Clara with bags of groceries on each arm. They go straight for the now-empty kitchen and begin unpacking. As they are finishing Jayden and Hunter run in - Jayden points triumphantly at the microwave.
Jayden: I WIN!!
Clara(looks over shoulder): Ah, Robert.... whose kids are these?
Schumann: Hm.. (ponders from behind a jar of pickles)
(Enter Mozart, Liszt, Brahms, and Strozzi)
Brahms: Robert's back
Schumann: Young Eagle!
Jayden: WE WON (microwave beeps)
Mozart: YESS! (they high five)
Liszt: good job, Jayden!
Clara: What are you guys playing?
Mozart: Capture the Flag with household objects- you two should join!
Liszt: Actually, if they join we should have enough to play the real Capture the Flag..
Mozart: Ah Brilliant! Yes - you must play!
Strozzi: Clara's on our team.
Schumann: Oh, I shall be too.
Brahms: Nope, sorry, Robert, this is the girls' team.
Schumann: Hah? Girls' Team? Why are YOU on it?
Brahms: uh - well.. Wolfgang designated it.
Schumann(turns to Mozart): He is not a girl.
Mozart: yes, yes, Robert -that was the joke. Come on (takes jar of pickles from Schumann, puts it in pantry) Ok, let's play. Oh wait (pulls out jar again, and takes one of peanut butter as well) This is our flag. This is your flag. (hands Strozzi the peanut butter)
Strozzi: You are having a real problem with signifier-signified connections today, aren't you, Wolfy?
Mozart: SEMANTICS.... let's go. Our homebase is the basement. You guys - girls - can take an upstairs room.
Strozzi: Sounds like a plan. (exeunt)
Mozart, Jayden, Schumann, and Liszt gather in the basement. Jayden immediately goes for the pool set and starts rolling balls around the table. Mozart joins him while he talks to the other two.
Mozart: So (rolls ball to one end of the table) We need to plan a strategy... I think they will probably send out three people to capture our flag, and have to leave someone behind to guard their flag. We'll have to set up a few booby traps around here to safeguard the flag - but i think really we should go for the offense... A good offense means we don't have to worry about the defense --
Liszt: Actually, I'm not sure that's how the phrase goes, Wolfgang..
Schumann(sagely): Ahh, but two pickles in the jar is better than all on the floor!
Liszt: ah.... (trying to figure this out) Right, well.....
Mozart: Good thinking, Robert - I think we can put the pool cues to use... Come on (goes to the wall rack to get the extra cue sticks)....
Meanwhile, the girls team is in Strozzi's bedroom, the jar of peanut butter sitting tantalizingly in the middle of the open closet.
Hunter: i wanna go!!
Strozzi: All right - I think I can hold down the fort if you three want to go..
Brahms(falls back on bed): Oh...I'll stay...I'm tired....
Hunter: No. (walks over, tugs at his foot) you haveta come.
Strozzi: Hah, the drill master has recruited you.
Brahms: Ohhhh all right.
Clara: I'll go scout the ground floor. (exit ahead of the other two. Strozzi looks back to the peanut butter jar and ponders the best defensive strategy)
Back downstairs: Mozart is tying one end of a cue stick to the doorknob with Wagner's pink curtains.....
Clara looks around the main floor - Hildegard comes out of the kitchen, Clara tries to shrink back into the staircase, but she is seen.
Hildegard; Hi Clara!
Clara: Hi... Hildegard.
Hildegard: Would you like any tea?
Clara: No thanks, I'm just... looking for Robert?
Hildegard: I think he went downstairs...
Clara(makes as if to go): Yeah, thanks...
(With Clara thus distracted, Jayden starts to sneak up the stairs to the second floor as Brahms and Hunter are coming down the hall.)
Brahms: Look - the enemy - I'll distract him - you tackle him.
Hunter: ok..
Brahms(walks ahead to top of staircase): Hi Jayden..
Jayden(pauses in stairwell, regards him warily): hi
Brahms(leans on banister, looks down innocently): How are you?
Jayden(not moving): ok.....
Brahms(stretches absent-mindedly): Well..... dont mind me... I was just, uh... coming to do a handstand on the banister..
Jayden(frowns skeptically): no way
Brahms(nods): oh yeah - yes I can
Jayden(shakes head): nuh uh...
Cut to basement - Mozart on the cell phone, lounging on the sofa, legs propped up. Liszt and Schumann finish strategically placing pool balls around the bottom of the staircase..
Mozart: Ah, yeah, that's right -- oh no: it's pepperoni, sausage, and mushrooms on the fifth....... right, .... ok, and uh.. (pulls credit card out of pocket) can I pay for that by card?..... yeah...(reads off card) It's Visa..... Charles Ives..... 2578..356.....
Back upstairs, Brahms has managed to get onto the banister, hands down, feet up -- Jayden is shocked.
Jayden: whoa-
(And Hunter too, who is supposed to be tackling Jayden in the meanwhile; Brahms tries to signal to her, but he is facing the wrong way)
Brahms: yeah... uh... so....
(Clara comes around the main hallway - looks up)
Clara: What ARE you doing?!!!
Brahms(red-faced): hi
Clara: Get down from there! (runs up stairs)
Brahms: Get --- kid!! (starts to waver again) uh -
Jayden(sees Clara coming, takes off up the rest of the staircase)
Hunter: YAR! (jumps out from banister at the top)
Jayden: WHOA!!
Brahms(manages to fall back to the second floor): WHOA_-
Clara: AGH -(stops in time to avoid running into the kids and Brahms, who all collapse in one heap)
Hunter; hahahahahhaah!!
Jayden: HAHAHAHAHA!!
Clara: Are you ok?
Hunter: hahahah! yeah
Jayden: yeah!
Brahms(sits up): yeah (looks at Jayden) No peanut butter for you.
Jayden: nuh uh! (gets up, tries to run down hall, Brahms grabs his foot and he trips giggling) hahahah
Brahms: no peanut butter!
Schumann: Archfiend showing his true colors!! UNHAND THE CHILD!!
Brahms(pulls Jayden back): no, we caught him. He's our prisoner now.
Jayden: letmego! (screams at the exceedingly high pitch only children can reach)
Schumann(covers ears as he runs up stairs): As the sirens screech no offense will go unpunished!
(Tchaik comes into the hall from another bedroom as Schumann pounces on Brahms and a struggle ensues)
Tchaik: What are you DOING? What -- NOT in front of the kids!!
(the kids think this is hilarious; Clara tries not to appear too amused. Mozart and Liszt come running from the downstairs)
Now since no one is in the basement, it's the perfect time for Bach to decide he wants a drink from Zacara's wet bar. He is humming to himself when he opens the basement door and a cue stick comes flying at his stomach --
Bach: DEAR GOD!!! (jumps back around corner.. he waits for the cue to hang motionless before he approaches the stairs again) I see the kiddies have booby-trapped the basement to protect the alcohol... hm.... (furrows brow in determination, suddenly a cry rings out from upstairs- "RUN FOR IT!!" Bach frowns, but cautiously goes down stairs)
Meanwhile:
Mozart: Ok, Barbara.... hand over the peanut butter and no one gets hurt... (He, Schumann, and Liszt are blocking the doorway of the room, Strozzi sits in the middle of the open closet, the jar of peanut butter beside her. She does not budge..)
Strozzi: And who's going to get hurt?
Mozart: All we have to do is push Hannes down the stairs...
--Cut to top of staircase; Brahms is hogtied to the banister, trying to squirm away without falling down the stairs. One of the hall doors opens cautiously and Hunter sneaks out)
Brahms: hey - Hunter -- help. Untie me!
Hunter(sits on top step next to him): Hi.
Brahms: Can you untie me?
Hunter(looks at the mess of ropes warily): uh...... ok
--
Strozzi: You're trying to blackmail me with THAT ? He'd gladly jump down the stairs himself for the sake of our flag.
Schumann(to Mozart): Ah, verily, she knows him too well.
Mozart: I hope not. Ok, well -- surrender the peanut butter, or we shall have to take it by force!
Strozzi(grins) : I don't think that's wise. You don't want to get in a wrestling match with me, Wolfy. I've been doing yoga....
Mozart(turns back to the others): I think we need to open another betting pool.... (they approach menacingly)
Strozzi(pouts): Oh look, three of you against poor little me.... (suddenly reaches to her sides - hands obscured by the clothes hanging in the closet - and produces two unlabeled spray bottles. She squirts the three directly in the eyes) Always wait til you see the whites of the eyes! ahahah!
(they immediately fall back groaning and rubbing their eyes)
Liszt: AGH - WHAT IS THAT!
Strozzi: Chemical - youd better go flush it out right away!!
Mozart: FOUL PLAY!!
Schumann: The wretch has consigned us to the pits of hell!! (they stumble back, feeling their way along the hall to the bathroom. Strozzi gets up and locks the bedroom door.)
Strozzi: Nothing spruces up a water gun like a little tabasco sauce....
Meanwhile in the basement, Bach is attempting to navigate his way around the floor without tripping on a pool ball.
Bach: What in.... these kids... I leave them with him for what - an hour? two hours?? this place is an unGodly mess! (kicks a ball, it rolls into another one) Although this is nice carpet that Modest got for us..... I wonder what HE'S doing all this time....
Clara(calling down stairs): Is it safe, JS?
Bach(looks up): Yeah, I think -- OHG (trips on ball, falls into pool table, but catches himself) whew..... Ok, yeah....
(Clara comes down)
Clara: Did you see a jar of pickles?
Bach: No, I'm just looking for some decent alcohol... Knowing Wolfgang, it's probably in the wet bar... (pauses) and the wet bar is probably a mess of booby traps.... (They approach it cautiously)
Back at the top of the stairs, Hunter has given up untying Brahms and is now braiding his hair. Brahms, for his part, has given up trying to escape and is attempting to talk her out of this...
Brahms: But.... what about our game?
Hunter: I dont wanna play anymore...
Brahms: I do... Maybe you can play with my hair later....?
Hunter(simply): no.
Brahms: I don't like braids - why don't you just untie me?
Hunter: cant.
Brahms: You could try to find Clara or Barbara.....? Maybe they're around (tries to look up, pulling away from Hunter)
Hunter: Hold still!
Brahms(sighs, lets head rest on top step): ok... you got me..
Hunter: Im gonna make a double braid!
Brahms: oh great!
Upstairs bathroom: Mozart, Schumann, and Liszt are trying to figure out the next plan of attack.
Mozart: She's locked the door - we have to open it somehow.
Liszt: surely you can pick a lock, Wolfy....
Mozart: Got a paper clip?
Schumann(produces four paperclips from his pocket): May the spirit of official organization guide us..
Mozart: Ah, leave it to Robert to have paper clips on his person... I'm not going to ask why he has them..
(They sneak back down the hall)
Liszt(to Mozart): Really, I would expect you to have them..
Back in the basement, Bach and Clara are surprised to find that theres no jar of pickles in the wet bar. Bach at least pours himself a drink, but the search continues. Now they are looking every place they can think of - the sofa pads, the pool table pockets, the space behind the stairs - but to no avail.. Clara finally sits on the bottom step.
Clara: Where in the world??
Bach(falls onto sofa): ahh.. good question....there are only so many places they could have hidden it--
Clara(suddenly): Behind the sofa?
Bach: no room! Maybe undernearth:? (bends over, lifts cover) AH HAH!
Clara: Is it there??
Bach: Yes! (reaches under, pulls out pickle jar)
Clara: Oh good.. I hope we're ahead of the guys.. (Bach hands it to her)
Bach I guess you should take this to... wherever it's supposed to go.. Where are the kids? Is anyone actually watching them at this point?
Clara: I'll go investigate. Thanks for the help.
Bach: Maybe I'll play some pool while it's unoccupied.. I never get a chance....
Soon Clara makes it to the top of the stairs, where Hunter is working on the double braid.
Clara(laughing): What is going on??
Brahms: I.. uh.... I guess being on the girls' team caught up to me finally...
Clara: I'll say. (sits on top step next to Hunter, who is going about her work very methodically) That's a nice braid, Hunter.
Hunter: yea
Clara: Did you see the guys go by?
Hunter: they got locked out
Brahms: Oh is that what happened? (Clara smiles, amused) I couldnt see
(Clara peeks past them down the hall)
Clara: Actually it looks like they're trying to sneak back in... I suppose Barbara is left all alone....We should help.
Brahms(looks up at her appealingly): actually I need some help first..
Clara(produces pink ribbon, deftly ties off the braid with it): Ok. we'll have to pause with it like this - and help out Barbara! You can finish later... right, Johannes?
Brahms: uh - yes, sure. (Clara manages to untie him) I am free!
Clara: good. Hunter, (hands her pickle jar) why don't you take this to the kitchen? We'll meet you there.
Hunter: Ok! (exit)
(Clara and Brahms sneak down the hallway where Liszt, Schumann, Jayden, and Mozart are trying to unlock the door.)
Mozart(wrenches paperclip from door, it's twisted): I think this paperclip is not a good size, Robert.
Schumann(hand on chin): Methinks we are meddling with the wrong metal...Perhaps plastic may be the better key.
Mozart(pulls out Ives's credit card): Excellent thought - (tries to open door)
Brahms: AHEM - (they startle)
Mozart(not looking up): Curses, Mr. Brahms, I thought we had detained you.
Brahms(playing along): Ah, but I have been un-detained by the Excellent Clara!
(Schumann turns his head, squints a second -)
Mozart: NEVERTHELESS! We shall prevail!
Clara: Actually - We just came to tell you that in spite of your best efforts to booby trap the basement, we still found your flag, and Hunter should be returning it to the kitchen this very moment...
Liszt: What?!
Mozart: FOUL CONSPIRACY!
Strozzi(through door): GOOD GOING, GIRLS!!
Liszt: I don't believe it. I'm going to see for myself. (starts back towards stairs)
Brahms: You mean steal the jar from the kid? I know how it goes... (follows)
Liszt: What an insult! Taking jars of pickles from little children - what do you all think of me!! (exeunt)
Mozart(knocks): Barbara? Don't you want to open the door?? Your poor suitors stand here and sulk!
Clara(sees Schumann's confused expression): Speak for yourself, Wolfgang..
Mozart(grins): I was... the Royal We, you see..
Strozzi(knocks back from other side): I think the more guys I see, the more trouble I have, Wolfy!!
Mozart: Perhaps! But I think you have to take the quality into account!! One Mozart is better than two neighbors!
(back downstairs)
Liszt: Well, Hunter DOES have the pickle jar. I'll be...
(Hunter has already started a new game - of cards - sitting at the kitchen table with Tchaikovsky.)
Tchaik: uh... Do you have any 4's?
Hunter(triumphantly): FISH!
Tchaik: (hand to head)
Liszt(chuckles): You're really cursed when it comes to cards, aren't you, Pyotr?
Tchaik: I'm cursed when it comes to a lot of things!
(Brahms, seeing that all is well, starts looking in the pantry. Enter Hildegard)
Hildegard: I thought I heard children.... (sees Hunter) Where's the little boy?
Liszt: They're playing upstairs..
Hildegard: Charles said you stole his briefcase...
Liszt: Yeah, well.. part of the game, you see.
(Enter the others, laughing and joking)
Mozart: Ah - THEY DID FIND THE PICKLES! WE ARE LOST, ROBERT!
Hildegard: Shh, don't yell - you'll encourage the children.
(Jayden immediately sits at table)
Jayden: Whatcha playin?
Hunter: Fish. (looks at tchaik) got sevens?
Tchaik: of course... (hands her a couple)
Hildegard: Are you done stealing things from housemates now?
(Brahms emerges from pantry, munching, hand in Frosted Miniwheats box)
Brahms: Oh, yeah - maybe you should give Hildegard her rocks back, Hunter.
Hunter(looks up): Ok.
Hildegard: Rocks? (Hunter hops up, dutifully hands Hildegard a few chakra stones) Johannes, these are not 'rocks.'
Brahms(shrugs): "stones."
Hildegard(sighs): You have to help the children learn to respect cultures that are not their own.. how do you expect them to get on in this world - this fast-transforming multicultural environment-
Mozart: mm, miniwheats (shoves hand in box)
Hildegard(turns around): Will you-- (notes Brahms's hair) What are you wearing? is that a pink ribbon?
Schumann: Handkerchief!!
Brahms: no, it's a ribbon..?
Hunter: six?
Tchaik: Are you cheating?!
Hunter: NO!
Mozart(snatches box from Brahms): Don't spoil dinner. (puts it back in pantry)
Brahms: Dinner? That was dinner-
Mozart: No, no! I got pizza.
Clara: That's a good idea - we can all sit around and brag of our exploits.
(Enter Beethoven)
Beethoven: whoa.. whats going on....?
Mozart: I ordered pizza. Enough for everyone.
Strozzi: How generous of you... how'd you afford that much?
Mozart: I can't... (pulls out Ives's card - those in the immediate circle laugh)
Hildegard(inspecting Brahms's hair): What is this - not a French braid? What did you do??
Brahms: I didn't do anything.. Hunter did that. I don't even know how to undo it.
Hildegard: Do reassure me, thanks - wouldn't want to think you had any understanding of these matters..
Suddenly the doorbell rings - Mozart runs out, and soon returns with the 5 boxes of pizza.
Mozart: ALL RIGHT - PIZZA!
Kids: YAAAAYYYYY!!