Hildegard's Grand Schemes
Monday proves to be a slow day in the house. Mozart plants himself on the sofa next to Mussorgsky, who is trying to watch the Price is Right.
Mozart: So I heard you were supposed to be watching the kids yesterday...
Muss: hi
Mozart: Well?
Muss: Kids? oh Mrs. Hickmans grandkids..was that good?
Mozart: oh yeah. So where were you all afternoon??
Muss: couple of the guys wanted to hang out... Mili and Nicolai wanted to go talk art in the park... then i ran into arseny later..(Enter Hildegard)
Hildegard: Ah, good, you're both here...
(They look up, in various states of alarm)
Hildegard: I want to start rehearsing the morality play that I've worked out.. I need some.. actors.
Mozart: ooohh - what's the story?
Hildegard: It's a play about the virtues.
Muss: is this that goat thing??
Hildegard: Uh, well I think there may be some negotiations on costume design..
Muss: I WANT TO SING.
Mozart(surprised): whoa there, Modest, I didnt know you were such a songbird...
Muss(frowns): no im not being in some musical drama if i cant be musical
Hildegard: no no -- ah, wait, Modest, you don't have to be in the play. You can be the artistic consultant.
Muss(raised eyebrow): Ok.
Mozart: But I want to be an artistic consultant too!
Hildegard: I think you'd prefer the role I had picked out... it's much showier - an adventurous role of mischief and trouble, womanizing and drinking-
Mozart: SOLD! (hops off couch) When do we start??
Hildegard: I'll have to collect the others. (exit)
Muss(shakes head): youre in trouble
Mozart: hah.. (pause) No, it's funny that she was so quick to give you a privileged job...
Muss(shrugs) i got her the gig
Mozart(sits again): ... how come?
Muss: eh, they wanted to encourage musical productions from a woman composer, but something about morality... wasnt about to ask barbara...
Mozart: hah! May be that's so, but I think she likes you anyway (elbows him conspiratorially) you know - Modest and Hildy sittin' in a tree, K-I-S--
Muss: oh cut that out! youre worse than the Hickmans grandkids
Mozart: I know, but I think I taught them a little something yesterday..heh
Later in the morning, we see Wagner fixing his beret in front of the mirror in the foyer. Strozzi comes out of the kitchen - notices him, smirks.
Strozzi: I think your beret is perfect that way, Richard.
Wagner(turns): Ah, Barbara. I do appreciate your sensitive opinion.
Strozzi: Do you have a date?
Wagner: No, would that I had such a diversion this evening.. For now I am trekking across the great divide to speak about my Tristan with Gustav..
Strozzi: ah, how's he?
Wagner: I know not. Shall I inquire on your behalf?
Strozzi: Actually, if you could, I would appreciate it. I haven't heard from him since Saturday... and I'm not sure that ended well.
Wagner(sniffs): If the man has done nothing to win back your affection, I'd say abandon the fool to his conductor's baton and begin the search for a worthier soul! Nonetheless, I shall pass on a synallactic word and see that some sense is spoken. (struts out front door)
Strozzi(brow furrowed): "syn.." what - "sense"?
Tchaikovsky has trudged off to the Conservatory to teach a few music theory classes. He is sick of the hot students (both male and female) making eyes at him, so at the end of class he collects his books and marches off to his office. Not long before a student shows up.
Student: Hi Professor Tchaikovsky...
Tchaikovsky: No office hours!
Student: But -
Tchaikovsky: Do you see the sign on my door that says I have office hours today?
Student(looks at door): uhh.. no...
Tchaik: That's because I don't!
Student(tries to look alluring): well I thought maybe..
Tchaik: You can come back tomorrow. (attempts to look like a serious glaring professor)
Student: But you're always so busy - you're too popular .. all right, I'll be back tomorrow then. (smiles, exits)
Tchaik(head in hands on desk): GRAHHHHHHGGG (muttering to self): they do it on purpose... they really do... aghhhhhh theyre all out to get me
(Soon after there's a pert knock on door)
Tchaik: (ducks down behind stack of books on desk)
(Knock is repeated 4 times -pause - a drum roll begins)
Tchaik(sits up angrily): DAMN IT, YURI!!!
(Door opens slightly, Yuri sticks his head in.)
Yuri(lazily): Oh, are you here? I didn't hear you say come in.
Tchaik: I didn't!
Yuri(walks in, sits in chair, one leg up with his hands about his knee as if he owns the place): So.... you never did tell me about your date..
Tchaik: Nor was I planning to. I have work to do now.. if you'll excuse me.. (makes a point of opening a folder)
Yuri(lounges back, looks at ceiling): You know she's leaving the country for a two-month tour.....
Tchaik(compulsively crumples paper): Yes... Actually..... she just told me on Friday....how long have YOU known about that?
Yuri: Eh.... few weeks..
Tchaik: ... (trying not to launch folder at Yuris head; clenched teeth): Really....???
Yuri(sudden show of compunction): Yes, and I realize you were right after all (sees he has T's attention again) It must be a difficult loss... your dearly beloved soprano -- your Muse - callously leaving you for all that time.. Leaving you behind as if you were expendable, when she should be begging you to join her. I hate to see you suffer, my friend, but I understand what you must endure while caught in the throes of Love. And I because I hate to see you suffer, my friend, I'm willing to sacrifice my dignity and self-worth -- throw myself at your feet and offer myself to you as a poor, humble substitute for your Singing Muse...
Tchaik(furious again): WHAT!!!! (hurls folder at him)
Yuri(manages to deflect it, stands, stretches, as self-assured as ever): Now - I know that this is a trying emotional time for you, but don't you think dinner and a brainless action flick would help take your mind off your troubles?? (Tchaikovsky is beyond angry expressions) -- well, if the movie won't help, I sure can--
Tchaik: GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!!!! (grabs book)
Yuri(retreat): yes, yes, you don't have to decide right now... I'll call you later! (book flies into the door as he closes it)
Tchaik: ... KILL.. .GAHH!
Back at then ranch, Hildegard goes to the back yard, where she hopes to find "the goats." there's not a sign of anyone - until she notes a shoe at the tree, hanging from the foliage. She walks to the trunk, looks up.
Hildegard: hi Johannes.
Brahms(sitting on branch with notebook): What's wrong?
Hildegard: Wrong?
Brahms: You don't speak to me unless something's wrong. What is it?
Hildegard: Well nothing's wrong. I just wanted to know if you would like to take part in a household musical production written and directed by me.
Brahms(skeptical): What's the salary?
Hildegard: ... It would be a chance to get out in the music scene and become known-
Brahms: Do you need an accompanist - is that what this is about?
Hildegard: no, no - actors!
Brahms(even more skeptical): "actors"?
Hildegard: It's a musical drama!
Brahms: NO MUSIKDRAMAS!!
Hildegard: I don't mean that - like a morality play with singing!
Brahms: No musicals. Do I look l like a guys and dolls type of musician to you?
Hildegard: er - well -
Brahms :Go away. (motions with his hanging foot that she should leave)
Hildegard: Ach, what are you in such a bad mood for??
Brahms: Can't compose.
Hildegard: Well - I wish you luck, perhaps taking a break to rehearse this afternoon would be useful?? Where are the others?
Brahms(scowls): Robert is out with Clara. Ludwig is out with Mystery Girl.
Hildegard: ahhh ok. I'll go find Franz then. Happy composing.. (exit)
Later: Mahler's living room. He and Wagner are seated, he on the piano bench, Wagner on the couch. They are sipping alcoholic beverages and discussing the opera plans.
Mahler: I'll tell you outright, Richard - I think this is the piece of the season. It's mindblowing - you'll be a smash hit..
Wagner(simply): Yes.
Mahler: It's really something else..Why, act II alone--
Wagner(suddenly): --What was the result of the pool incident?
Mahler: Excuse me?
Wagner: On Saturday. You and the singular Mr. Wolf in the pool -- what followed, a duel of honor insulted? Any sort of agreement?
Mahler: Oh - well, we met your other neighbor, Elisabeth. She's a harpsichordist and composer...(pauses) funny the number of composers in this neighborhood... But - anyway Hugo rather decided that he's had it with singers.
Wagner: And yet you have said nothing to our excellent Barbara?! Are you, too, through with singers?
Mahler(offended): I've been busy! Would you rush An ARTIST!
Wagner: Oh no, never rush an artist, verily. I only meant to suggest that if the artist does not find his inspiration enough to rush him into fabrefaction, he should look elsewhere, lest he return to find his inspiration completely gone.
Mahler: .... I see...
After leaving Mahler, Richard Wagner takes an afternoon stroll down main street in hopes that the fresh air will clear his head. He happens past a B. Dalton's.
Wagner: Ah, what fine readery have we here in this month's selection?
(His eye is caught by a cartoonish figure in bright red)
Wagner: What -- (squints) IS that WOLFGANG?? (the cartoon Mozart seems to wink and wave back at him) ZOUNDS! (Wagner rushes into the shop and inspects the book. A cartoon mozart pops up at him; its dialogue bubble reads "I love music, and you should too.")
Wagner: Imbecility! Foisting such trivial work upon our impressionable youth! (eyes narrow in suspicion): and yet, so clever a marketing scheme to bring him more guests to the opera this season! hm...
(As Wagner is leaving, he nearly walks into Beethoven, who is leaning over a car at the curb.)
Beethoven(oblivious to W): Goodbye 'Tonie- (the passenger windpow rolls up; between the tinted glass and Beethoven blocking his way, the astounded Wagner can't get a glimpse of the person in the car. Off it zooms, and Beethoven heads down the street, still unaware of Wagner.)
Wagner: what - ah how?? "Tony"? Impossible! this requires serious cogitation - and a milkshake (goes into the next shop down: Dairy Queen.)
Wagner rerturns home and seeks out Liszt in the den where Hildegard is continuing to recruit goats.
Hildegard: yes, Franz, I'd be deeply honoured if you would be a part of our household musical production.
Liszt: Oh really? What do you need?
Hildegard(to no one in particular): Such an obliging housemate - (back to Franz) Well, I was hoping you might be interested in acting in my music..musical morality play that the women's club commissioned.
Liszt: This isn't the goat thing, is it?
Hildegard: No it's a hoiusehold production
Liszt: I suppose I can contribute somehow..
Hildegard: excellent.
(Enter Wagner; who stands imperiously before Liszt.)
Wagner: Franz. I must speak with you. Come. (he waves toward the door; Liszt shrugs, joins him. As soon as Liszt is around the corner in the hallway, Wagner throws open the bathroom door and pulls him in)
Liszt(unfazed): Richard, what are you plotting this time?
Wagner: I heard him say it - the name of the Immortal Beloved!
Liszt(sits on bathtub edge, suddenly very interested): What - how What is it?
Wagner: ach, however -- Ah, it is not as we suspected. It would seem -- cruel Fate -- Oh, nay, I cannot speak it!
Liszt: What - she's one of yours?
Wagner: NO! Imbecile - the Immortal Beloved is no SHE!
Liszt: What? He's not gay.
Wagner: I heard him say "Tony!"
Liszt: Well - (pauses a moment) What if her name is Toni? Women can be called Toni as well.
Wagner(frowns): I had not considered such a circumstance... (in completely different tone) At the B. Dalton's I encountered what is the most horrific insult to the intellectual and spiritual constitution of any human being; yea, would that I had the power to eradicate such filth from the very face of the planet (takes deep breath for effect) It was a multi-dimensional interactive children's guidebook based upon the antics of our very housemate Wolfgang!
Liszt: ... A popup book?
Wagner: Yes!
Liszt: (pauses) Well... (stands) I'll leave you to the planning of the eradication, Richard.. (exit)
Wagner: I see Franz is overwhelmed with the news. (shakes head)
As the day goes on, Hildegard accosts each housemate as he returns home. To her luck, she finds most of them including Beethoven in a receptive mood - except Tchaikovsky, who returns before the work crowd at 4.
Hildegard: Ah, Pyotr-
Tchaik: Hildegaaarrrddd.... (scowls, but stops for her)
Hildegard: How are you?
Tchaik: Murderous, just murderous.... Insufferable Yuri came by to gloat today!!
Hildegard: Have I ...met Yuri?
Tchaik: No, only Richard has, and he doesn't like him.
Hildegard: But... I thought you did like him?
Tchaik: That's the trouble!! (throws briefcase across hall, storms off)
Hildegard: Wait wait --
Tchaik(stops in doorway of kitchen) YES, Hildegard, my dear?!
Hildegard: er... ah... Nevermind.. (he disappears; Hildegard sighs - Suddenly Beethoven rushes out of the kitchen)
Beethoven: mm not getting involved with that tempest... (goes into den against the sound of a crashing plate and a string of expletives starting with "GODDAMNIT" and still continuing as Hildegard looks around helplessly - enter Mussorgsky from the TV room, bottle of vodka in hand)
Mussorgsky: Ohhhhh oneathose days.... (lumbers into kitchen; Hildegard is about to stop him, but decides against it - over the cursing she can hear "PYOTR --PEI!" - abrupt pause. Cut to kitchen--)
Tchaik(finishing swig of vodka): Ahhhh. (wipes mouth with back of hand) That felt good.
Muss(smirks): i keep tellingyou. hasommore.
Tchaik(takes another swig): good. (leans back against wall; long pause) ... However, I'm not accepting alcoholism as a way to avoid all my problems.....
Muss: ahhh whaddareyou talkinabout? itsa great way
Tchaik(chuckles): don't let Hildegard hear you say that!
Hildegard(appears in doorway): What? Are you talking about me?
(The guys regard her warily)
Tchaik: well, Modest was just saying that he hopes you weren't too traumatized by yesterday's events...
Hildegard: That's very thoughtful, Modest, but I was not very much involved in the antics yesterday - I'm fine. It's Charles who was in such a bad mood today. Something about killing Wolfgang....?
Muss(shrugs): no surprise....
Hildegard: I did convince him to join the new morality play..
Muss: Good when is that anyway?
Hildegard: tonight after dinner
Tchaik: I'll join that too, maybe it will distract me from my woes.
After dinner, Hildegard lets Strozzi warm up while she takes the guys outside. They mill about in boredom; Brahms takes the chaise lounge while Schumann tries to tell him about his day. Wagner is running ideas about a popup book to Liszt, who looks extremely exasperated. Hildegard stands with her back to the door surveying as Mussorgsky unscrews the lid of what appears to be a bottle of Coke. Hildegard casts a suspicious eye on it, but says nothing.
Wagner: And furthermore, such a multi-dimensional interactive guidebook on the subject of My Life would--
Liszt: --Tell me, Richard, is it going to contain any personal information from those letters you still haven't recovered from our dear housemate??
Wagner(stops, open-mouthed): --...
Hildegard: Ok, everyone! Attention! (they look over) This play includes a role for each of you. Today we're assigning parts. So -- be aware.... (looks down at clipboard): OK Modest, we need to assign guys to minor sins..I think Wolfgang wouldn't be content just to be one sin; he can be all the minor sins.
(Muss nods; Mozart smiles appreciatively but holds his peace. Hildegard looks at the next sin)
Hildegard: Pride..hmmm..
Muss: tough decision there...
Hildegard: Richard, we are letting you be Pride.
Wagner: Ah? well, it must be so. Pride is to the genius the necessary, if not deadly, sin... (frowns, mutters something to self about "letters")
Liszt: Can I be gluttony, Hildegard?
Hildegard: Sure, Franz....... though I'm not sure anyone would believe that...
Liszt: Oh sure - I'm like those hot dog eating contest winners - they're all really skinny.
(Muss and Hildegard look at each other)
Muss: yea sure whatever he wants
Hildegard(returns to her list): Ok Modest, what do you think? Pride ang gluttony, greed, anger....
Tchaik(whines): Why does Modest get to be artistic advisor - do you think the rest of us are suited to be deadly sins?!
Muss: uh do you think he wants to be envy?
Hildegard: yes, that seems appropriate. Pyotr, you're envy
Tchaik: WHAT!
Hildegard: they are worse sins... Pyotr, like... (she surveys the group: Wagner is talking to himself, Liszt frowning, Bach inspecting rust on grill, while Beethoven stares off into yard obviously elsehwere in his thoughts. Schumann continues going on about lawn gnomes to Brahms, who is now asleep on the chaise lounge, unbeknownst to Schumann. At Hildegard's glance, Schumann looks up suddenly like a small woodland creature aware of an approaching predator; he leans over and whispers to Brahms suddenly--
Schumann: Can't talk now, gentlemen, the seals are back in the warroom!!
Hildegard(sees Brahms): What -- Look at this lazy fool - (kicks chaise lounge whish jostles Brahms into consciousness again)
Brahms; egh, what?
Hildegard: how are you sleeping!! - I don't know how you don't weigh 2000 pounds, sitting around doing nothing all day! You are the deadly sin of sloth, there's nothing else to it!!
Schumann (and everyone else looks over): Have you ever considered joining the ROTC? Your friends will expect postcards (adds with smirk) take your career to the next level.
Brahms: I guess that might be a good idea at this point.
Hildegard(turns to Muss and her list): Ok, we've got: pride, check; envy check; sloth - YES! gluttony, check -- that leaves greed, anger, and lust. and we'll need someone to play the devil. What do you think - who should be greed, Modest?
Muss: maybe the mafia boss?
Hildegard: Good thinking. Antonio, would you like to be the deadly sin of greed?
Zacara: Yeah sure, I guess that's my favorite of the deadly sins. How'd you know?
Hildegard: The third eye, my dear. All right, anger and lust. I think anger shoud be rather obvious, don't you think - who yells the most in this household?
Muss.. Uh..uh.. Ludwig?
Hildegard: Yes, exactly. I guess that leaves (looks over crowd) JS to be lust? Though I suppose his girlfriend knows more about that than I do. Johann Sebastian, would you like to be lust??
Bach(looking up from grill): I would love to be lust, Hildegard. (smiles like a political ad) You know us church-going types!
Hildegard: Right, right, Good ok.. Oh.. who's left for the devil? Robert, I believe. It seems somehow appropriate...
(Mussorgsky shrugs; they turn their attention to Schumann, who's now sitting on chaise lounge with Brahms. Schumann looks distrustful, leans over to his friend)
Schumann: Well now, my fine green and gold tiger, suppose you that lightning doesn't strike twice because everything happens in threes?!
Brahms(not fazed, watches Hildegard with equal distrust): I don't know about everything, Robert, but I've long since concluded that bad things come in a lot more than threes.
Hildegard(rolls eyes, turns back to Muss - and suddenly is distracted by angry voice of Chares Ives)
Ives: I notice I haven't been involved in this yet - is that a way of telling me I'm not needed here? because I have plenty of hard work to be doing now!
Hildegard(whispers to Muss): Oh, no we forgot Charles!
Muss: ohthats ok, well just make up a new sin for him -- incompetence.
Hildegard(trying not to laugh): Uh, I'll let you break that to him...
Muss(matter of factly): charles youre the sin of incompetence.
Ives: Uh....Now I may not be much of a religious man, but i'm pretty sure theres no such deadly sin as "Incompetence!"
Mozart(perks up, mischievous spark in eye): Well, there wasn't a deadly sin of incompetence in biblical days.. Im sure it was just - a venial sin, you know an annoyance but nothing serious .. But you, Charles, YOU have taken it to such new heights, such great achievement in your liftetime - short though it has been - that You've redefined the deadly sins! You've added a new one! You should be proud!
Ives(at first proud, then realizes this is not a compliment): No, there wasn't any deadly sin --nor OUGHT THERE TO BE, furthermore, are you trying to imply that I'm incompetent?
Mozart: Well, better incompetent than incontinent, wouldn't you say? heh. Besides, there's an implicit value judgment - or in some cases (cunning glance at Brahms) explicit value judgment - that Hildegard and her Vanna White Russian are making with every assignment of every deadly sin!
Ives(at Hildegard and Mussorgsky): Oh, so it's like the seven dwarfs, eh? You be Wimpy, He's Sleepy, I'll be Dopey - is that what you're thinking?
Muss(hands up as if to calm him down): hey hey now were doing one musical at a time here.
Tchaik: But Hildegard, I don't want to be envy! Really, I should be lust!! (throws up hands in despair)
Bach: No, no, that's my deadly sin. You can keep your envious hands off my lust.
Beethoven: What am I again?
Hildegard: You're anger.
Beethoven(shrugs): Whatever..
Brahms(from chaise lounge): I shouldn't really be sloth, you know - I actually work much harder than most of the so-called work crowd.
(This causes an outburst of anger and amusement; everyone answers at once)
Ives: I BEG your pardon--
Mozart: hah, well if you had a bit more talent you wouldn't have to work all day long!
Tchaik: What! YOU try teaching those worthless, tone-deaf kids their music theory!!
Schumann(with Brahms): Indeed, my friend, do defy any of them to write two fugues in an hour!
Zacara: not work if you don't get paid for it!
Hildegard: Ok, ok, guys - just calm down. Now keep in mind that these sins do not necessarily reflect your own personal short-comings. Although in some cases, you could consider improving your habits!
Brahms: I-- (Beethoven beats him in the arm)
Beethoven(quietly): shutup and we can leave sooner..
Hildegard(continuing): I've come up with the script for your parts. You'll all be in various scenes. Now that we've assigned your roles, you can just take the scripts and read through them at your convenience. We should have the first real rehearsal tomorrow night.
Liszt: But I have a date--
Hildegard: All right, well, maybe not your scene. OK, guys?
(General grumbling, but willingness on part of guys to vacate the vicinity as soon as Hildegard hands them their parts. For Ives, of course, a bit of circumlocution is in order, since there is no part yet for the deadly sin of Incompetence. Eventually just Hildegard and Muss are left. She falls back against the wall.)
Hildegard: Ohhhh, why is this going to be impossible??
Muss(pats her on shoulder): positive thinking
Hildegard: is that so?
Muss: anda good support system
Hildegard: oh that's swee-
Muss(keeps going): -i liketo think that if i ever die sooner than later that i hve a good circleof friendsto finish my creative work for me...
Hildegard: Uh -
Muss: yeap theyreagood group oguys (nods to himself; wanders off)
Hildegard: i - wha- aghh (puts head back against wall, closes eyes)