| My experiences in my relationships have taught me many, many things. And my relationship with the Lord becomes reaffirmed through each experience. Even until this summer, I was in pain from yet another heartache. Each time someone wonderful comes along, I find myself asking, "Could he be the one?" Too many times, I've answered myself with a resounding "Yes, he is." And now I have given up answering that question because the one true answer can only come from God. Of course, when I answer "yes" it is because I believe that this is the one God has prepared for me, but I have learned to put aside my eagerness to have someone love me, and just trust that the Lord will tell me in a way that will leave no doubt. "All that glitters isn't gold." I know that now. |
| People looking in from the outside might mistake me for being the kind of woman that always must have a boyfriend. I do enjoy what a romantic relationship offers, but by no means am I dependent on one. I prefer to be in a relationship, that is true, but I do know that I can live without one. I am without one right now but continue to dream of the man that God is preparing for me. I dream of the life we could build together. Only recently have I been able to say these things without shame. Our society sends women mixed messages. On the one hand, today's new woman is supposed to be independent, career-driven and successful. She is told that children will only hinder her career. And at the same time, she is told that in order to be thought of as a real woman, she must have a man. (Any woman who's been asked "when are you getting married" knows what I mean.) It's been difficult cultivating my womanhood in these times. I can say now with certainty that I want to get married very much but even if I never do, I will be just fine. I already have my cake. Icing is optional. |
| The experience that led me to seriously question my romantic future was the incident with a man I found out later to be married. Many of those who read the story and e-mailed me regarding my experience with Kevin expressed such tenderness that I was truly touched. Heartache is universal. Others have even said that I should have known that he was married, as though trusting someone is wrong. Even as I struggle right now, I know that the only way to be open to receiving the gift of love is to be trusting, to make oneself vulnerable to being hurt. No, that does not mean being gullible or stupid. I am neither of those. But I do tend to love as though I've never been hurt. That's the only way to be -- for me. And believe me, I have been hurt too many times. But also, believe me, I am more alive than any person you could ever hope to meet. |
| It's the Journey that counts... |
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| chapter one: heart on my sleeve |
| The married man. I include this story only so that you who read it may learn from it. |
| Then |
| These are my musings from 2000 until the summer of 2001. I learned some very valuable lessons during this time. I hope that my story helps at least one of you in your own journey. |