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| ABOUT THE CREW |
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| PAGE 2 OF 3 |
| If Resumes Told the Truth OBJECTIVE To sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor for eight hours, occasionally looking attentive when approached by a superior. EDUCATION School: Very Expensive Major: Not Important GPA: Don't Ask EMPLOYMENT NETWORK MANAGEMENT (9/96-Present) Produced daily itinerary of television programs to watch. Duties included changing channels, avoiding infomercials, and staying tuned after those messages. DEBT CONSOLIDATION (4/97-12/99) Using various tools such as credit cards and borrowed cash, I managed to combine groups of unpaid bills into one monthly bill that goes straight to my father. RESIDENT INHALER (9/98-6/99) Assisted all students with chemical intake from purchasing to exhaling. COMPUTER SKILLS *Solitaire *Minesweeper *On/Off Repair Method HONORS AND AWARDS *First Place in Miller Lite Funnel Tournament *Said Toast at brother's wedding *High Score on Theta Chi's Pin Ball Machine For further references, contact my mother. For positive responses, please pose all questions as though you're considering me as a law school applicant. |
| Chair Man of the Board Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair." |
| Deficit This administration has conclusively discovered how to deal wit the deficit. It�s a skill, which requires addition and distraction. |
| A TRAIN COLLISON |
| A brilliant young boy was applying for a job with the railways. The interviewer asked him: "Do you know how to use the equipment?" "Yes", the boy replied. "Then what would you do if you realized that 2 trains, one from this station and one from the next were going to crash because they were on the same track?" The young applicant thought and replied "I'd press the button to change the points without hesitation." |
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| "What if the button was frozen and wouldn't work?" "I'd run outside and pull the lever to change the points manually" "And if the lever was broken?" "I'd get on the phone to the next station and tell them to change the points," he replied. "And if the phone was broken and needed an electrician to fix it?" The boy thought about that one. "I'd run into town and get my uncle" "Is your uncle an electrician?" "No, but he's never seen a train crash before!" |
| Top ten ways that you know you are suffering from "job burnout" 10. You're so tired; you now answer the phone, "Hell." 9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back!!" 8. Your garbage can IS your "In" box. 7. You wake up to discover that your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care. 6. You have so much on your mind; you've forgotten how to pee. 5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday. 4. You don't set your alarm anymore because you know the pager will go off before the alarm does. 3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge. 2. Your Day Timer exploded a week ago. 1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now |
| MEETINGS AND CARPOOLS |
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| A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them. Hastily he scribbled a message to one of the fellows and left it on his desk: "I have a last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave." At 7:00 PM, the man stopped at his desk and found this note: "Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove, your turly, Goober." |
| No Ears Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office. The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says, "What's the first thing you see when you look at me?" The guy says, "That's not too hard, you've got no ears." The interviewer says, "That's it, get out, you'll never be seen around here again." The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question. The applicant replies, "Uh, you've got no ears." The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he'll never get a job with his company. As he is leaving, the second guy warns the third guy, "Listen man, whatever you do, don't say he hasn't got any ears. He's so touchy with the ear thing." "Okay," said man #3 on his way into the office. Once inside he is told, "Name the first thing you notice when you look at me." The guy answers, "That's easy, you wear contacts." The interviewer was flabbergasted, "How on earth did you know that, son?" "What? Are you stupid? You can't wear glasses, you've got no ears!" |