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Jokes
Page Seven
Did You Ever Wonder...
Why don't women blink during foreplay?
~They don't have time.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
~They won't stop to ask for directions.
How many mend does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
~We don't know; it has never happened.
Why is difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
~The all already have boyfriends.
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?�
~Enough said!
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?�
~ Are we eating the floaties?
How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?�
~Did his hand catch fire?
IS IT SCREW OR TWIST ?�
It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own car, goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.
"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool," says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.
Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.�
Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it.�
"Oh yeah," says Carries father, "our Carrie really loves to screw. She'd screw all night if we'd let her!"
Well, this makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening is beginning to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMN IT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"�
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's
shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20 " and stuck it in the door. The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was notation "Genesis 3:10". Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me." Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."
A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and
finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of
hours. The priest agrees.
The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot father".
After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat.
The fisherman says "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!" The Priest says,
"Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?"
The Fisherman says, (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - a
sonofabitch!"
�The Priest: says, "Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know."
After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop.
The�Priest says, "Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch!"
The Bishop says, "Please Father, mind your language, this is a house of God."�
The Priest says, "No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"
Bishop: "Hmmm. You know. I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner." So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and
then brings it to Mother Superior at the convent.
The Bishop says, "Mother Superior could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?" Mother Superior: "My lord, what language!"�
Bishop: "No, Sister, that's what the fish is called - a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it.
Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it.
The Priest says, "I caught the sonofabitch!"
The Bishop says, "And I cleaned the sonofabitch!"�
The Mother Superior says, And I cooked the sonofabitch!"
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you fuckers are
alright!"�
A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69."
"What the hell is that?" asks the guy.
Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain, "I put my head between your legs, and you put your head between mine."
Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment, he agrees to try it.�
The second they get into position, she lets loose a rip-roaring fart!
"What was that for???" he asks.
"Ooops!.. sorry, let's try it again" she says.
So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose!�
The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on.
"Wait, where are you going??" she asks.
The guy says, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!!"
Some Of The Worlds Shortest Books
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS-by OJ Simpson
TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE-by Ellen DeGeneres
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY-by Dennis Rodman
DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB
DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
THE BOOK OF VIRTUES by Bill Clinton
A married couple was in a terrible car accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they could not graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his ass. Husband and the wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from and requested the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.�
After the surgery was completed everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before. All her girlfriends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty.�
One day she was alone with her husband and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just wanted to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you,"�
"My Darling, " he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need everytime I see your mother kiss your cheek."
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The
Coffee Pot