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| Who We Isn't |
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| Aaron Laporte |
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| Douglas Darden |
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| Mr. C |
| Gary Holtzman |
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| Aaron Laporte is a one of a kind human. He spends nearly all of his time tinkering with his computers and web servers and still manages to find the time to consume pounds and pounds of candy. While he may be picky in his choice of an FTP client or ISP, there is no preference when it comes to delicious candy. "In terms of candy, it's all good," says Laporte, "Hershey's, Mars, Reese's, I can't descriminate." Here we see Laporte having just finished off a large bowl of cake frosting. Laporte is linked to CiM because he hosts nearly all of the multimedia featured on this site. |
| One of the most astounding people ever to have exchanged fluids with Seth Teicher, Gary Holtzman probably holds the most responsibility for the success of Cocaine in Motion, without him as a punching bag, where would we be? The first official Cocaine in Motion audio production was 2001's "Gary Holtzman Phone Call." Footage also exists of the Holtz's infamous birthday parties but has not been digitized for the web. Although Holtzman carries much weight in the history of CiM, we do not plan to compensate him in any way, aside from the weekly animal sacrifices. Remember holtzmaniac.com? Yeah. That was Holtzman-inspired too. Here we see Gary "[email protected]" Holtzman donning his birthday crown. |
| According to the "Legend of Douglas Darden," Douglas Darden exists. Although this has yet to be proven by anyone who is not blind, recent gatherings, especially picnics, are buzzing with speculation and rumor of Douglas sightings. This photo is the only known record of Darden, and the valiant photographer who stood in the tracks of a charging Douglas Darden was pushed over and verbally assaulted shortly after this photograph was taken. Douglas can be recognized by his acute hand injury. As the "Legend of Douglas Darden" speculates, a young Darden placed his right hand on a hot stove in order to prop himself up so he could reach the delicious churros cooling above. According to legend, Darden's desire for fresh churros was strong enough to keep him propped up, even as the burning hot stove welded his fingers into a grotesque ball, with only the middle finger exposed, as that is his "sensor" finger. |
| Father of Sam Leslie, Mr. C is probably the only figure that is more influential to the history of CiM than Holtzman. To put things into perspective- if Gary Holtzman is Ishmael, Mr. C is Abraham. The now-ancient comedy trio QGGOAT which laid the foundation for Cocaine in Motion was based off a sketch comedy routine focusing heavily on bothering Mr. C, setting the standard for the relentless comedic assault on Gary Holtzman that would occur over one year later. Although CiM chooses not to bother Mr. C for entertainment anymore, out of respect, you can still visit the QGGOAT Website's "Mr. C" section, which includes an extended biography, and an interview. Please excuse the Lindsay Totty-esque humor. It was only grade eight. (Now what does that say about Lindsay motherfucking Totty?!) |