GRADE: You see it
there yourself. 80 out of 100. So that would be a B-How the hell did I get that grade?
These are papers I've written for school.
I'm only including the ones I got As and Bs on.
Now be amazed at what can pass for a good essay!
When: First year of college.
Assignment: Write an essay about something you know how to do, explaining the steps to the reader.
HOW TO EXPLORE A WASH
A wash is a very large collector of water with many tunnels and passageways. Usually, washes run through parks and under roads. Many people lose tennis balls or other things in washes, and don’t go to the trouble of retrieving their items. This is why exploring the wash is rewarding. All the things people have left behind can be yours if you simply go in and take them. Things I have found in the wash include PVC pipes, golf balls, lead pipes, crowbars, and a baseball bat. Very importantly, never explore a wash if it is raining, or has rained in the past week. You can easily be destroyed by a flash flood. First, you must know how to get inside of the wash. If the fences lack razor wire, you can just climb over. Even if the fence has barbed wire, you can still make it over without injury. If you are not good at climbing fences, do not use that method of entry. If you take the time to look around, there’s usually an open gate somewhere near it. If not, you may be able to find a storm drain big enough to crawl through, then get into the wash that way. Once you’re in, you must be careful not to make a lot of noise. Everything echoes like hell in a wash, so avoid stepping on dry leaves or soda cans. Also, if you go with anyone else, do not talk loudly. Find objects to your liking, then take as many as possible. Remember to take a flashlight to search the many tunnels on the sides of the wash’s walls. It’s impossible to find your way without anything lighting the path. When you’re done collecting the various goods, get out as soon as possible. It’s a bad idea to exit a wash the same way you entered. There will most likely be a park ranger or police officer waiting for you. To get out, just choose a random tunnel. There will probably be a mile of crawling underground before you find a way out, but this is the best way of doing it. You might even be able to find some nice stuff during your crawl. When you finally get onto a street or small road, walk back home to put away your found items. In the event of being caught by someone, while you’re in the wash, simply hold up a cool object you found, then say, “I dropped this, but I got it now,” then immediately get your ass out the same way you came in. In conclusion, the wash is a great place to explore, as long as you aren’t stupid and careless. Once you’ve mastered the wash, you might want to move on to abandoned warehouses. If you become an expert at this kind of thing, consider actual shops and businesses. They are known to have more valuable items than the wash has.
GRADE: A
Teacher's comments: "I hope you're joking about the last part."
That was my first essay for this class. The next essay assignment in this class was to write in the first person about something that's really happened in your life. Heheh, the comment for my first person essay was "take creative writing", and my grade was an A. THE SEARCH FOR THE TEN DOLLAR BILL can be found here. So look for that one, and while you're at it, read my poems that are also on that site. Okay, onto the last essay I wrote for this class...
When: Still first year of college
Assignment: Write about something controversial, and take a side. Explain why you took that side. Suggestions: Abortion, Capital Punishment, etc.
SOMETHING CONTROVERSIAL
Necrophilia has been known as a disgusting, evil act of perversion. On the other hand, there are also some people who condone it. Here are a few arguments for justifying necrophilia. First of all, there are many of us who are not successful in the area of relationships and physical love. This goes for both men and women, but when discussing necrophilia, it is especially true for men. For these poor, lonely people, necrophilia is an option. An illegal option, but an option non-the-less. Dead people of the opposite sex do not reject you. This is good for anyone's self-esteem. When somebody is dead, they can no longer feel what is happening to their bodies, so this means that necrophilia is a victimless crime. However, certain people should be respected in death. Morals are a big issue with this controversial topic. Only sluts, whores, and sleazy people's bodies should be desecrated. Virgins or anyone, who was faithfully married, should always be allowed to rest in peace. Also, anyone who practiced necrophilia will not be free from the same purposes when they, too, are dead. If necrophilia were legal, like it's not, I would hope for certain rules. Homosexual necrophilia is NOT allowed. As for abnormal positions on a dead woman, there can be a couple of exceptions. If a woman has been with more than ten different men in her life, this qualifies her as a strumpet, and oral and anal intercourse will be allowed on her corpse. If she has been with over twenty men, this qualifies her as a big whore, and ocular and auditory intercourse will be permitted on her corpse; in other words, eye and ear penetration. In conclusion, even sexual sins, such as necrophilia, were it legal, should still have a few rules and regulations. Unfortunately, there is no way to tell how many times a dead woman had slept around when she was still alive, and so necrophilia will probably never be legalized.
GRADE: B
Teacher's Comments: "I have to admit, I didn't finish reading your essay, because I was very turned off by the tastlessness of it. I'm sure it was well written, though. You have some creative and...colorful ideas."
When: 10th grade...history class
Assignment: Write a book report on a novel that has something to do with history.
I scanned this one because it's a classic!
GRADE: You see it
there yourself. 80 out of 100. So that would be a B-
Teacher's Comments: Well, actually, the day we turned these in, there was a substitute teacher. Wouldn't you know it...just weeks before, I had let this same substitute borrow my Spinal Tap CD. When I turned the paper in, he said "Isn't this the guy from Spinal Tap?" to which I replied "He writes books too. I don't know...it's a different St. Hubbins. Uh...just keep your mouth shut about this." And he must have, cause hey...an 80% paper.
You may have noticed a reference to a book called God of the Eternal Inferno. This was our second history book report for the class. The first one was for a book called God of the Eternal Inferno. Unfortunately, it's been lost for years and I can only remember some of it.
Here's what I can remember:
The basic story was about the god of the eternal inferno named Phillzar. He's married to a vampire, and vampire hunters kill his wife. Phillzar becomes a vampire hunter hunter, meaning he spends the rest of his days revenging his wife's death by killing vampire hunters. This book passed off as something to do with history because I said it took place before the dawn of civilization, when all there were in the world were gods, vampires, and vampire hunters. I also said that the author was named Phil Harzmann, and that he probably wrote himself into the book...Phil = Phillzar. Eh, eh? Clever stuff. Also I remember putting at the end of the report, "Don't look for this book, it's very rare."
GRADE: Same as Middle Ages...an 80 out of 100.
There were no comments, just the grade.