Using 1st edition AD&D, generally sticking closely to the rules, but making some exceptions of the sort typical for NPCs. Readers of evil alignment and low intelligence please note: This is intended as satire, and I have allowed myself a small degree of exaggeration for satirical purposes. Not everything herein is intended as a strictly realistic portrayal of these individuals.
I welcome any comments or suggestions.
George W. Bush
Race: Human
Class: 0 level man-at-arms
Hit Points: 4
Strength: 10
Intelligence: 5
Wisdom: 6
Dexterity: 8
Constitution: 11
Charisma: -2 (19 to Republicans, trolls (all kinds!), orcs, half-orcs,
goblins, hobgoblins, etc.)
Alignment: Lawful Evil
While some of this individual's ability scores may seem rather low* (and in addition there is some controversy over whether he actually completed enough training to qualify as a man-at-arms), he has managed to compensate for this by surrounding himself with high-ability henchmen, hirelings, and other allies.
*He is rumored to have at one time possessed near-average or even average level intelligence, but long years of alcoholism, drug abuse, and devotedly refraining from exercising what intelligence nature had endowed him with have taken a grievous toll.
The ruler of an empire, this character suffers from a major form of insanity similar to kleptomania, but focused on the wholesale theft of the wealth of foreign countries.
Dick Cheney
Race: Half-Orc
Class: 11th level Thief
Hit Points: 33
Strength: 11
Intelligence: 13
Wisdom: 7
Dexterity: 11
Constitution: 9
Charisma: 6
Alignment: Lawful Evil
Formerly the Guildmaster of a large Thieves' Guild disguised as a commercial enterprise, Cheney has turned his attention entirely to his work as Bush's head henchman.
This individual is rumored to derive his power from a rare grimoire, the NecroNeoCon.
Cheney has secondary skill in hunting, but there is a 1 in 100 chance per round (cumulative) that he will suddenly attack any hunting companion within missile range.
Osama bin Laden
Class: 12th level cleric; 15th level assassin
Hit Points: 99
Strength: 13
Intelligence: 15
Wisdom: 17
Dexterity: 14
Constitution: 8 (diabetes)
Charisma: 17
Alignment: Chaotic Evil
A Hassan i Sabbah-type figure (cf. Robert E. Howard's Three-Bladed Doom) based in an obscure mountain cavern complex, this highly devout religious figure suffers from monomania focused on an obsession with a "holy war" against the empire ruled by Bush and his allies.
Hugo Ch�vez
Race: Human
Class: 9th level Paladin
Hit Points: 55
Strength: 12
Intelligence: 13
Wisdom: 15
Dexterity: 7 (impaired vision)
Constitution: 14
Charisma: 18
Alignment: Lawful Good (leaning to Lawful Neutral)
This career-warrior has successfully used his high charisma and championing of the poor and downtrodden to become the ruler of a small state.
While his social programs for the "good of all" have earned him a fair amount of respect, Chaotic Good characters tend to find his authoritarianism intolerable and his "cult of personality" regrettable; Lawful Evil characters claim to consider him an outright despot (one prominent "good" cleric has repeatedly called for his assassination), but given their own totalitarian politics the sincerity of this concern seems less than likely.
Rush Limbaugh
Race: Half-Ogre
Class: 1st level Fighter
Hit Points: 22
Strength: 14
Intelligence: 7/4
Wisdom: 5/1
Dexterity: 10/8
Constitution: 18
Charisma: -1/-2 (21/20 to Republicans, trolls (all kinds!), ogres,
orcs, half-orcs, goblins, hobgoblins, etc.)
Alignment: Lawful Evil
Note the dual ability scores, as these are adjusted to apply when this character is in his usual state of moderate-level narcotic intoxication. Note also that due to his habituation to narcotics use and enormous size, it requires far higher dosage levels for him to reach any given level of intoxication than a normal character. A normal character imbibing Limbaugh's typical dosage of narcotics would have to make a saving throw against poison or die, and would become severely intoxicated if he survives the overdose.
Ann Coulter
Race: Human (see below)
Class: 12th level Illusionist
Hit Points: 22
Strength: 11
Intelligence: 17
Wisdom: 9
Dexterity: 17
Constitution: 10
Charisma: -1 (23 to Republicans, trolls (all kinds!), orcs, half-orcs,
goblins, hobgoblins, etc.)
Alignment: Lawful Evil
The precise origins of this creature are disputed. While undoubtedly at least partly human, many scholars suspect some Night Hag or Annis blood in her genealogy.
Coulter's use of magic focuses on such spells as Hypnotism, Wall of Fog, Fog Cloud, Misdirection, Suggestion, Mass Suggestion, and the like, and the mass production of Vacuous Grimoires.
Coulter will avoid physical combat if possible, preferring to use magic to force others under her sway, but can strike with her claws for 1-4 hit points damage each.
Michelle Malkin
Race: Half-Orc (see below)
Class: Sage, major field of knowledge Humankind/Humanoids, special
categories Law & Customs and Politics & Genealogy; minor field of knowledge History. Able to cast illusionist spells up to third level, as by a fifth level illusionist.
Hit Points: 20
Strength: 14
Intelligence: 16
Wisdom: 6
Dexterity: 11
Constitution: 13
Charisma: -1 (20 to Republicans, trolls (all kinds!), orcs, half-orcs,
goblins, hobgoblins, etc.)
Alignment: Lawful Evil
Some disagreement exists over this character's race. Status as a sage seems extraordinary for a half-orc, but her appearance causes near universal agreement among scholars on some mix of human and orc, most likely with goblin and/or hobgoblin elements, and probably even a prominent element of bugbear in her genealogy often suspected as well.
While this character possesses great knowledge and lore, as her sage status would indicate, she suffers from the form of insanity known as "pathological liar", and so little that she says can be believed, though she demonstrates the greatest conviction in her own lies.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Race: Human
Class: 9th level Barbarian
Hit Points: 155
Strength: 18/00
Intelligence: 8
Wisdom: 5
Dexterity: 16
Constitution: 18
Charisma: 17
Alignment: Neutral (leaning to Lawful Evil)
This individual, hailing from a small, uncivilized country, has succeeded in overcoming the obstacles inherent in his low intelligence and wisdom, not to mention his failure to fully master the common tongue, and used his high charisma to achieve a successful career in theater and politics.
Ron Paul
Race: Half-Elf
Class: 4th level Fighter; 5th level Cleric
Hit Points: 25
Strength: 10
Intelligence: 17
Wisdom: 16
Dexterity: 14
Constitution: 12
Charisma: 16
Alignment: Chaotic Good
Despite his Chaotic Good alignment, this champion of freedom has somehow achieved a position in a Lawful Evil political group whose membership is primarily comprised of orcs, half-orcs, goblins, hobgoblins, etc.
Noam Chomsky
Race: Gnome
Class: Sage--major field of knowledge: Humankind, special
categories: Languages, Law & Customs, History, and Politics; minor
field of knowledge: Humanoids. Able to cast cleric spells up to third
level, as by a fifth level cleric.
Hit Points: 20
Strength: 10
Intelligence: 19
Wisdom: 19
Dexterity: 12
Constitution: 11
Charisma: 13
Alignment: Chaotic Good
Pat Robertson
Race: Human
Class: 9th level Cleric
Hit Points: 99
Strength: 18
Intelligence: 7
Wisdom: 11
Dexterity: 9
Constitution: 18
Charisma: 16
Alignment: Lawful Evil (hypocritically professes Lawful Good)
An otherwise mediocre-at-best character who has used his high charisma to become powerful, this once wimpy cleric has made extensive use of special potions to achieve his high strength and constitution.
Jello Biafra
Race: Human
Class: 5th level Fighter; 6th level Thief; 12th level Bard
Hit Points: 66
Strength: 15
Intelligence: 16
Wisdom: 17
Dexterity: 15
Constitution: 13
Charisma: 17
Alignment: Neutral Good (leaning to Chaotic Good)
This character uses his fighter training in highly energetic and athletic musical performances, his thief training in pranksterism and "creative crime", and as a bard relies on various other musicians to provide backing to his singing.
In lieu of full statistics for the following characters, it should suffice to indicate their race.
Bill Clinton
Satyr
Monica Lewinsky
Succubus
Hillary Clinton
Harpy
Al Gore
Flesh Golem
Nancy Pelosi
Harpy
Condoleeza Rice
Night Hag
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