Lately I often find myself spacing out continously in class. I dont know if its the constant yapping of the theachers or not; but I tend to enter a world of white noise and blurs.
Thinking about everything in my life. The thoughts though, race through my mind so fast that I cannot pull just one out, write my thoughts and feelings on it, and move on.
Lately words cant even begin to describe how I feel. Its evtremely frustrating! Frustration in that fact that I cannot write anything, or even by that matter get my thoughts sorted out, analyzed and put onto paper.At the same time I find myself searching for something, something unknown. All I want to do lately is sleep, so my dreams can figure out my thoughts. I dunno. If I had to sum up everything in this paragraph and what I feel in one word it would be...."GRRR."
10-24-02
Hmmm day was long as usual. I'm completely stressed out....I'm sure I'm being a bitch to everybody. Had a killer AP Art Hist. test.....sucked like a bitch!! Damn Greek art.
Anyways I'm sick and I'm tired so I'm not gonna write anymore cause I'm going to bed.
10-26-02
Tonight had to be one of the best nights I have had in a long time. I was supposed to go to my grandfathers, but somehow that didnt happen....and I later found myself at the PHD concert. While others were at homecoming....I was rocking my ass off with some of the craziest people I know. Not for a second did I stop smiling....or dancing. But then my parents, and friends are mad at me. But you know what??.....let them. Because I NEVER get to do something I wanna do.....EVER. I'm always giving up my weekends for other people. It was driving me insane!!!! So I said to myself...."You can either give up this weekend too....be unhappy and probably break down.....or just say "fuck it" do what I want, and be happy. So I chose "fuck it" beacuse for once I did what I wanted to do, and if anybody has a problem with that they can kiss my ass....because I know for a fact they have done the same thing to me. Now dont get me wrong....I'm sad that I didnt get to do the other things for my friends and family. And I regret it.....at little. But last night was worth it....and I'm not letting ANYBODY take that away from me.
11-1-02
Shells is finally 18!!! Yay!! Today was a great night. We ate at Houstons (my fav. rest) and yeah it was fun. In case you havent heard I'm starting up dance again. I realized last night that I have 3 passions in my life. Poetry, dance, and music.....not in that order. Funny thing is....is that they all go together. So who knows what this ephiphany will bring to me. Hmmm maybe a GREAT career. Anyways I have the SAT's tomorrow...fun fun. Looking foward to it. :-(
11-5-02
This song by Finger 11....pretty much sums it up. "Sick Of It All"
Are the sins getting staler
Does every moment move past you
Or does it feel like forever
And shouldn't you be laughing too?
Take a look how they found you
Take a look what they've done to you now
What was it they wanted
Sullen and haunted?
If only you saw it coming
How far down would you fall
If you never came up again
'Cause you're so sick of it all
And you want to change everything
Just how deep will you go
To see through it all?
If you could consume her
Would you say you were finding your way out?
Is anything coming clearer
Smashing your mirror?
Still you can see you're guilty
Coming closer my composure turning
inside out in her
Calling home all alone
You can call I won't answer
Any question in my head
Remains until you feel the same
Never telling how I felt is all I ever cared about
