Rupert was an astute man, bright and intelligent and quite the businessman when he needed to be. Many would take this to mean he was cold and heartless, they would be wrong. In fact the truth of the matter was he found it easier to share his feelings than Clarisse did. Despite his often brash and abrupt nature towards them his sons were the most important things to him and their well being was held closest to his heart followed by his wives.
When his mother had introduced him to the young Clarisse he had been struck by not only her beauty but also by her ability to hold her head up high and carry her role off to perfection. However, though beautiful there had never been a spark between them. He trusted her, he respected her, and he loved her dearly. Unfortunately the bond he so desperately wanted with a woman had never happened with her. They were friends, they had fun together, he could tell her anything and she�d given him his pride and joy. His two boys.
He wasn�t blind to her feelings though and since December he begun to notice subtle changes in her behaviour and mood swings. He hadn�t questioned her on it; afterall they�d been through a lot recently. Pierre�s new role, Philippe finding love in America, that girl, the baby � their grandchild. Too much for such a short space of time, his wife was strong but she wasn�t immune to human emotions.
�I know I haven�t helped.�
Clarisse looked up from gazing at the candlelight and instead stared into her husband�s concerned eyes.
�Sorry?�
�I said I know I haven�t helped. That, well, that incident between us.�
�Forgotten.� She said shaking her head.
�It can�t have helped matters though, with all that�s going on.�
�Going on?� Her head shot up, did he know?
�The baby, Philippe.�
�Oh.� He didn�t know. �No, I mean, it hasn�t been easy but we�ll get through it. We always do.� She lifted her glass and sipped the fine French wine.
�Of course, but if you need anything, you�ve been a little preoccupied recently.�
She sighed. �I know and I�m sorry � things are bothering me.�
�You could take some time away, for yourself.�
�No.� Time to herself to think was the last thing she needed. �I�ll be fine, I�ll deal with it.�
�May I suggest sooner rather than later, we do have an important year coming up what with Philippe and the��
�I�m aware of that.� She snapped. �I�ll deal with it.�
�Good.� He returned to his meal and Clarisse returned her gaze to the candlelight, how the hell was she supposed to deal with this?
* * *
Knitting his hands together Joseph made his way down the long corridor towards the King�s private office. It wasn�t in his nature to fear, he hadn�t brought up that way, but right now he was feeling physically sick.
In his hearts of hearts he knew Clarisse would never had revealed their secret, but he wondered if another member of staff had witnessed their indiscretion or if Rupert himself suspected something. He would deny it all, to the death he would deny it; he would never knowingly harm her good name.
He knocked on the heavy wooden door and immediately was greeted by one of Rupert�s personal assistants.
�Good timing, he�s in an excellent mood this morning.�
�Ah spot on timing as usual Joe.� Rupert said as Joseph entered the room and was waved to a chair.
�Drink?�
�No thank you, I�m fine Sir.�
�Alright, well let�s get down to it I have about ten minutes before this damned phone rings again.�
Joe swallowed, mentally preparing himself for his defence.
�The thing is you have worked with the Queen for rather a while now, and she�s always held you in the highest regard. Which isn�t an easy accomplishment, we all know how fussy women can be.�
He laughed and Joe allowed himself a small smile.
�Well as you know we�re having a shuffle around now, new year and all that, and Clarisse has suggested you as a possible trainee for Head of Security when Richard retires in a few years time.�
�Oh, really� wow, thank you.�
�No need to thank me, hard work, that�s what its down to. And of course the good word of her Majesty.�
�Well I will thank her too.�
Rupert nodded, his short attention span shifting to the papers in front of him. �Richard will take you through the details. You�ll have a couple of months left with Clarisse of course whilst we finalise things. An excellent opportunity for you�� He looked up, his stare sharp and piercing. �Excellent opportunity.�
�Thank you.� Joe said somewhat half-heartedly.
* * *
He didn�t immediately go to her; it took him a couple of days. Two days of silence and attempted ignorance at her involvement in his �excellent opportunity.� She didn�t say anything about it, she acted as she normally did, he remained a few steps behind her on every engagement and avoided meeting her gaze on most occasions.
It was a late evening when the topic finally came up for discussion. She�d attended a dinner alone, Rupert was away on business and Joseph had stood in the background behind drapes watching.
As it turned out the entire evening was one of total boredom, at one point he amused himself by counting the amount of naked females painted on the ceiling. Ironic how the people in this room were the most stuffy, dull human beings he�d ever encountered. Not one ounce of passion or lust within them and yet they had these images displayed around their dinner halls.
In the car on the way home they�d sat in virtual silence, Clarisse commenting on the coldness of the weather even though they were well into April now. The driver as quiet and nameless as always, it amazed Joseph just how many drivers they got through in a year.
�Something amused you tonight Joseph.� She said after fifteen minutes on the road.
�Ma�am.� He lifted his head towards her, glancing over into the back seat.
�I noticed you smiling, on more than one occasion, it can�t have been at the exhilarating conversations taking place, so I was wondering just what it was?�
�Ahh, private joke ma�am.�
�I see.� She fiddled with her scarf, rearranging it neatly at the opening to her coat.
Joe drummed his fingers on the edge of the window counting down the minutes until they got closer to the palace.
He helped her from the car and she looked up at him smiling, standing too close and he felt a surge of anger twist through him as she did.
�Thank you Joseph.�
�Thank you your majesty. For the recommendation.�
She arched an eyebrow questioningly.
�The transfer, an excellent idea, so nice of you to care.�
To the observer his words were genuine and heartfelt, to her they stung and she was numb.
�I think we should talk privately about this, don�t you.� She hissed in his ear.
�As you wish ma�am.� He replied calmly.
It was already past mid-night as he escorted her to her suite, the palace was still and silent which only served to fuel his feeling of doom. Yet he refused to be made to feel bad about this, afterall it was she who was in the wrong, he had done nothing but follow his feelings. Perhaps to his peril.
He followed her into her private office, watched as she slipped her coat off and allowed the maid to take it away directing her with a few well-placed words. She waited for the young lady to exit with a curtsy before she allowed herself to address Joe.
�Close the door Joseph.� She snapped.
He obliged, remaining rooted by it with his arms folded behind his back.
�I don�t appreciate your attitude Joseph, and I certainly don�t appreciate you speaking to me like that outside in full view of other members of staff.�
�Pardon me ma�am but I don�t appreciate your attitude either.�
�Excuse me! My attitude?�
�Bury your head in the sand Clarisse and perhaps it will go away.�
�You have no right�� She warned stepping toward him.
�I have every right, you�re breaking my heart.�
She stopped, gasped for breath and watched his face fall.
�You�re breaking my heart.� He whispered.
For the first time in her life proud, regal Clarisse witnessed a man broken in front of her.
Part of her longed to hold him, to take that sadness away, to wash it away with her sweet kisses. Yet the sensible part of her knew here was the moment, here was the boundary, if she gave in now there would be no turning back and she couldn�t do that� to either of them.
She straightened her shoulders in an attempt to regain her sensibilities and think clearly.
�I recommended for you to be promoted for two reasons, the first is you are worthy of the position � we both know that. The other is that�� She took a breath, knitted her fingers together. �I couldn�t bear to keep you near me for my own selfish reasons.�
�Selfish?� He queried staring at her face.
�I can�t do this, to my children, my husband, my country� to you, how fair is it for you to follow me around like some loyal puppy when you could be marrying and having a family of your own.�
�I don�t want that, you know I don�t� I can�t either.� He realised he was shouting now but he couldn�t stop, the anger raged inside him. �You think he�s not screwing around with other women.�
She matched his voice. �And you want that do you, to screw around with me?�
�No�� he said gently. �Never.�
�Exactly.� She was close enough to touch him now; she rested a hand on his face. �It would never be enough, once would never be enough. Believe me I thought about it� giving in and spending one night with you but it would only lead to more, we�d want more, and that I can�t do.�
She took a breath, dropped her hand from his face and reached for his own trembling hand.
�For heavens sake Joseph the way I feel about you now, I can�t even explain it, how would it be if I knew what it was to have your touch.� She shrugged. �I can�t do it, I can�t give you the time and devotion you deserve, that this relationship would deserve. That doesn�t mean in another lifetime I wouldn�t� if I had the chance to do it all again don�t you think I would��
He was crying, openly sobbing in front of her, she�d never witnessed a man cry like that before, not even her children.
�I love you�� He attempted to say.
�Shhh, I know.� She gave in and took him in her arms allowing her own tears to fall.
�My heart is breaking too. You�re the best friend I�ve ever had��
He pulled back, furiously wiping his face. "I feel like I'm drowning in all this."
"As do I... and I don't know how to deal with it. You never get training on situations like this, I'm doing the best I can, you must believe that."
He nodded mutely, too exhausted to speak.
"It's like the world is closing in on me, now after all these years of being here and performing this role, living this life NOW I'm forced to actually look at it." She shook her head. "And I can't, it's too much, the only lifeline offered is your hand... and if I accept it..." Her eyes closed forcing more tears to fall.
He dared himself to be brave and lifted her chin. "I'll always be here for you."
"You shouldn't say things like that, I don't want that..."
He nodded, attempted a smile and was tempted to kiss her but resisted.
"I should go, the guard outside will wonder what's going on."
"May I suggest you use the washroom and rinse your face."
"Thank you." He reluctantly let go of her body and walked across the office.
"Joseph, I am sorry, I never meant to hurt you."
"I know." He took a deep breath and turned away from her.
Part 5