Two years passed in my new position and after the first few weeks of unease it actually worked. Not being around her every day, not seeing those eyes and that amazing smile each morning � it eased the pain, a little at least. Initially I took little interest in my new role, perhaps it showed I don�t know, but then something in me snapped into place and I embraced the job. I realised far from hating the potential position as head of security I was looking forward to it, it was something I could excel at, something to aim for. And it took my waking thoughts away from her Majesty.
King Rupert travelled widely which meant so did I; occasionally Clarisse would accompany him but not very often. She attended to things in Genovia; he travelled far and wide dealing with matters of international importance. Although I would never grow fond of the man I did respect him, and I learnt plenty about negotiation watching him in action.
The only thing I regret is my infidelity during those years as second in command of security. Technically I suppose it isn�t even infidelity, yet I slept around, I can�t deny it. I met many women as I travelled, but each and every time I woke next to another young lady the guilt shooting through my stomach was insurmountable, her face was there behind my eyes. I thought it might relieve the pain if I found comfort in another�s arms, perhaps I would find somebody to rival her in my affections. Afterall she didn�t want me and she�d persistently told me to seek love and marriage elsewhere, I knew it wouldn�t be easy, I didn�t know it would be impossible.
But I became good at it, loving and leaving, I even got a little reputation within the security circle. It isn�t something I�m proud of but it is a fact. Many things changed during those years, myself included, Pierre became almost a recluse, hiding out in his church. Philippe, to all our surprise, gave up his chance of a family and began to take over some of his father�s responsibilities, especially at home. He loved the country, he believed in its people, and I loved that boy very much, he was going to be a wonderful King.
But you want to know about Clarisse, she changed the most. She was never known for her spontaneous laughter or outbursts of loving affection towards friends or family. Yet occasionally there would be a moment of pure bliss when that smile would brighten up a room, or her kind words would ease the tension of the most awful of moments. She knew what to say in moments of disaster and pain, the people adored her for her honest approach towards them, she never looked down on them, she never judged. But as the years went by she seemed to shrink from view, she would only appear on state occasions or when her presence was truly needed. She was getting a reputation as being cold or aloof, it never occurred to me that the heartache we shared all that time ago was slowly killing her soul.
We hardly spoke anymore; it hurt too much to be alone around her, gone were our conversations on unimportant trivial matters. The kind of conversations friends have, conversations that get you through the week, I suppose when we stopped having them she lost an outlet, I guess she thought she lost a friend.
For her fiftieth birthday Rupert commissioned a fountain for the grounds, her name engraved in the stone base. It would be finished for the birthday party and revealed then and there. It was breathtaking, under the moonlight, lights in the fountain, music playing. I stood on the left hand side of the King, Richard on the right which meant I had a good clear view of Clarisse, I saw the tears she shed during that evening, I saw how Rupert held her hand and swung her around the dance floor, she was glorious, she was majestic, but her smile was empty.
It was the last time I can recall each member of the family being under one roof for a happy occasion, and the only time I can remember Clarisse not actually being overjoyed to be with her sons.
My ten minute break came just after midnight and I took it out on the back balcony, the night was cool, October was Clarisse�s birthday month and summer was gone. I was sipping a glass of water, staring out at the fountain which still glowed under the spotlights.
�How are you Joseph?� A soft well-educated voice came out of the darkness.
I turned towards it, swallowing and staring at the far wall for a face.
�Very well ma�am, you?�
She laughed, gently, unconvincing. �Older, quite evidently. How was Switzerland?�
�Good, thank you, good.� I stepped closer to her so I could see her face. She was wearing a traditional ball gown but her shoulders were bare to the night air.
�I hear you�re doing very well, Rupert is pleased with your progress. You will go on to be Philippe�s head of security Joseph, do you realise that?�
�I had hoped, but I don�t dare to think too far ahead��
�Hmm.� She stepped past me, leant on the balcony edge.
�I didn�t know you used this balcony.� I said.
�I usually don�t,� she shrugged, �it seemed the safest option. Quietest.�
�I would have thought you were enjoying the party.�
�Oh I am, I am, it�s just too much sometimes. Rupert�s present is divine.�
�It is. Fitting.�
She turned to me again. �You think?�
�Yes, beautiful��
She looked down, away from me.
�I�m afraid I have to go ma�am, my break is almost over.�
�Oh I�m sorry to keep you� it�s been so long since we talked, properly.�
�I know.� I didn�t say anything more, what was the point in dragging up old feelings? I still hadn�t recovered.
Quickly I turned for the door, escaping the moment.
�This is the first time we�ve been alone in five years Joseph.�
She said and I stopped.
�For the best.� Was my reply and then I left her there.
Do you think I�m selfish for that? Do you hate me for abandoning her when she was quite obviously seeking my comfort? No more than I hate myself, if I were a stronger man then I would have stayed and to hell with my job, to hell with everyone around us.
Yet something else happened that night that none of us were prepared for, a threat, a threat on our Queen�s life. It wasn�t taken as serious, not to begin with, a scribbled note of hatred, we had seen them before. But two days later when Clarisse was out on a shopping trip a shot was fired and her new security guard was injured. Thank god she wasn�t, I would have never forgiven myself.
For a week we rallied around, security increased ten-fold and the top guards were put in rotation shadowing her majesty. So once again I was back with her, my hours were 8 to 10 in the morning and from 9 until she retired in the evening. She hated the intrusion, she loathed to be watched and followed every step of the day, but there was no other way around it. Our orders came from the top, we did as the King demanded.
On the Thursday I was present as she spent the evening having dinner with Philippe, they were preparing for his majesty�s 65th Birthday party the following year, I sometimes forgot just how big the age gap was between our King and Queen.
�What do you think Joseph?� The younger man called across the vast room to me. �Would you prefer a celebration on a far off tropical isle or a Birthday party at home?�
�Sorry sir, I really don�t know.�
�Oh come on, in your personal opinion.�
I glanced at Clarisse but she wasn�t looking at me.
�If I had a family sir I would prefer to spend it at home, celebrating with those I loved.�
He laughed. �Fair enough, you win Mother, a home celebration it is. I�ll set the wheels in motion.�
�Thank you dear.� She whispered.
He stood, tall and the picture of dignity, bent and kissed her head. �Goodnight. Sleep well.�
She smiled, looked up into his face, I witnessed the love in her eyes as she admired her son.
�You too.�
I accepted his handshake as he left the room and closed the door after him. For several moments she sat in silence at the table twisting her napkin over. I tried not to watch her, but my eyes betrayed me and I found myself staring at her in the candlelight.
�All this isn�t necessary.� She said finally, not looking at me.
�Excuse me ma�am.�
�Following me around, it isn�t necessary.�
�For your safety.� I said gently, turning my face from her.
The silence resumed, she poured herself more coffee, sipped it once then replaced her cup on the table.
An hour must have ticked by since Philippe left and still she sat there, my back was beginning to ache, I alternated which leg to rest my weight on, told myself stories from my childhood, anything to keep me awake.
�Won�t you talk to me�� Her voice was so soft I barely heard it; I turned to look at her. �Tell me what�s going on with you.�
�I��
�You don�t have to ignore me Joseph, certainly not when we�re in the same room together.�
�I wasn�t ignoring you your majesty, I was doing my job.�
�Ahh.� She said flippantly. �Is that what it is.�
�What would you have me say ma�am?�
�Anything damn it, talk to me about the weather, about the news, about the latest film you�ve seen, music, books � the things we used to talk about.�
�I can�t do that.�
Her shoulders fell and she leant over the dining table.
�I�m sorry I pushed you away.� I could tell from the tone in her voice she was holding back the tears.
I didn�t know how to respond, we�d been here before.
�Five years ago Clarisse, don�t do this now.�
�Oh but I thought I could.� She looked at me, leant back in her chair and attempted a smile. �I thought I could do it, thought it would be easy to walk away from you.� She stood up finally. �It wasn�t.�
She moved to the window and folded her hands behind her back.
�So many times I�ve needed to talk to you, so many things I�ve wanted to say. How I miss Pierre, how Philippe is changing, growing. That I have a five year old grandchild I�ve never met, that my marriage has all but fragmented.�
�Begging your pardon but it isn�t none of my business.�
She spun towards me and I thought she might shout but she didn�t, she merely smiled again. �No, no it isn�t. But I wanted it to be. I miss your council.�
�I hardly gave much.�
�You gave more than you think,� she stepped towards me, slowly. �I think about it all the time, that kiss, do you realise that. One stolen kiss that lasted a few minutes. In the scheme of my fifty years that�s nothing is it, so the fact it dominates my thoughts even now is quite devastating.�
�Please, don�t do this to me.� Was all could say to defend my emotions.
�I can�t help it,� she was close enough now for me to touch her. �I thought I could do it and not fall in love, I thought if I pushed you far enough away I wouldn�t fall in love.�
�I already was in love, long before that kiss.�
�So was I, I just never realised it��
Her hand reached for my face but I backed away.
�Don�t.� My voice was sharp, shattering the moment. �I don�t want that, I can�t deal with that.�
She snatched her hand back, took a deep breath regaining her composure. �I�m so sorry, I thought� Goodness I�m sorry, it must be the shock of the shooting, the threats.� She began to back away.
�It�s not that I don�t want to, lord knows the power you have over me but I won�t let you do that to me, not again� it took so long for me to recover from the last time.�
�Power over you? You make me sound like some witch.�
�No,� I closed my eyes searching for the words. �I can�t allow myself to get too close to you again because I know there�ll come a point when you get scared and push me away, and I can�t deal with that, I won�t be used.�
�I would never use you.�
�You�re my boss, I�m your security, there�s a line we can never cross, I realise that now.�
A sadness seemed to settle on her face but she nodded her head. �Yes, you�re right, I already knew that� I�ve spent the past five years telling myself that.�
She returned to the table and collected her things.
�I think I will retire now Joseph, if you would escort me to my room.� Back to business again.
�Of course� your majesty.� I tipped my head to her, gripped the door handle ready to open it.
She placed her hand atop of mine, didn�t make eye contact with me but said, �I�m proud of you, this job isn�t easy, Rupert isn�t easy, you�re doing exceptionally well.�
�Thank you.� Was my dull response.
�And I do love you, even though��
She never finished her sentence, I don�t know why, either she was too scared of what she had to say or she simply couldn�t find the words. I escorted her to her suite, bid her a goodnight and went to bed myself. It was a restless nights sleep, I dreamt of her coming to my room in the middle of the night and making love to me, and saying those words repeatedly to me. �I do love you, I do love you, I do love you�� Lord knows I loved her, god help me I always would.
*
Part 6