Clarisse took a sip of her tea and leant back in her chair wrapping her fingers around the china cup and watching the young man sat across from her. His stance was one of great poise and dignity, yet when she caught his eye all she saw there was sadness.
�I�ve made my decision Mother.�
�And?�
�Helen will live alone, bring our child up alone, I will remain here.�
Clarisse swallowed her tea and replaced the cup on its saucer. �We will help her in any way we can.�
�I�m aware of that.� He turned his head and looked out of the window to the frosted garden.
�I�m sorry I took so long to decide.�
�I would never push you Philippe.�
He nodded his head then glanced back at her. Right now a hug from her would have been most welcome, but instead she remained seated at her side of the table, he at his.
�How�s father?�
�Doing better, I think this so-called �cold� he caught is finally on its way out. The Doctors say he�ll be up and about in a few days.�
�Good, good.�
�Shall in inform him or would you rather?�
�If it pleases him then yes, I don�t really mind.� He shrugged. �I thought I might go away for a while, take a break, skiing or some such thing.�
�An excellent idea. It hasn�t been much of a festive period for you.�
He looked down at his folded hands. �Thank you mother.�
She nodded and watched as he got up to leave, making his way across the office to the door. She suddenly felt a tightening in her throat.
�Philippe.�
�Yes?�
�I�m here for you, if you ever need to talk, you do know that don�t you?�
He nodded again then exited the room passing Joseph who stood to the left hand side of the door. How could he talk to his mother, he doubted whether she�d ever felt real passion. Whether she even knew what real love was, the hunger to be with that person all the time, every second of every day.
No, he was aware of his parent�s relationship and preferred not to dwell on it for too long, it upset him, it unnerved him. He missed Helen more than he ever thought possible, but duty beckoned and duty, in his family at least, seemed to override love.
He would have Samuel organise him a little trip, a little getaway, a couple of weeks on the slopes might clear his head.
* * *
With Philippe on holiday and Pierre already training for his new position the Palace seemed awfully empty for Clarisse.
February was always a slow month anyway, the long days still tired from winter and not yet blooming with spring. There were few public engagements, who wanted to be out in this weather?
She attempted to busy herself by catching up with paperwork, reorganising her office, restocking the Palace library. Yet as much as she worked she couldn�t escape that feeling of loneliness. After his rather bad luck over Christmas Rupert was back to full health and as busy and preoccupied as ever, if not more so, he seemed determined to prove something. She let him, if she thought it was getting too much then she would step in and calm his behaviour.
She was also aware of the gossip circulating around her, the maids may have thought they were being discreet but she knew what they thought, what they were all saying. Queen Clarisse had forced her son to abandon his one and only true love. What right did she have? What did she know about love anyway?
She was used to gossip, over the years many things had flooded through the Palace system only to be replaced by something new and fresh. But this time it affected her, this time it hurt. Because afterall it was true, they�d struck a nerve.
Since the �mis-understanding�, as she preferred to call it, with Joseph at Christmas, he had kept his distance. He was polite yes, he worked hard, he never did anything to draw attention or speculation from anybody� only her. Gone were there intimate chats on random matters, a shared joke in the car or a hand that held hers a little too tightly. There was no meeting his gaze and drawing warmth from the adoration she found there. Whatever feelings he said he had for he appeared to have been suppressed, or gone completely.
She on the other hand was struggling. As she�d brushed his advances off her mind had sub-consciously began to fantasise about him more and more. There were nights she would wake up from dreams about him, the kind of dreams she hadn�t had for many, many years. She would recall the look on his face, what he�d said to her when she�d rebuffed his advances. Well not even advances really, more like open affection. God how she missed that affection.
A couple of weeks after Philippe�s departure she�d accompanied Rupert to the Opera. With a rather disillusioned air she�d chosen a long flowing dress of claret silk and Rupert insisted she wore the diamonds he�d given her as a Christmas present. They may have been beautiful but they were damned heavy.
Joseph of course had gone with them along with Edward and Richard, Rupert�s personal bodyguards. The evening appeared to be going well, she smiled at all the right intervals, chatted amicably with the guests in the intermission, hardly drank, remained wide awake throughout the Opera and looked stunning. Wasn�t that her role afterall?
At one point Rupert had reached across in the darkness and gripped her hand, folding his fingers with hers and squeezing. She glanced across at his face and was struck by how very old he looked, his hand felt cold in hers and instead of finding comfort in the sensation she felt violated. She didn�t want to hold his hand, it wasn�t a choice, didn�t she have the right to make choices? She closed her eyes for a second, just a second, and was overwhelmed by the feelings that flooded through her, the memory of she and Joseph standing silently side-by-side in that old abandoned room, watching the gentle snowfall and holding hands. It seemed to her the most poignant memory she had.
Battling a sudden urge to cry she pulled her hand from Rupert�s and slid out of her chair, they were high up in the balcony and she felt dizzy as she attempted to manoeuvre her way around the seats and locate the door in the darkness.
Her breath was coming in short, tight gasps as she felt along the wall, desperate to escape. A hand reached across in front of her and opened the door and without turning she quickly stepped out into the dimly lit foyer. She glanced around hesitantly and seeing nobody present pressed her hands against a curtained wall and closed her eyes allowing her tears to fall, unable to hold them back any longer.
�Majesty?� A deep, low voice said.
She realised how ridiculous she must look, her shoulders rising and falling but no sound escaping her mouth. She�d long since learnt how to cry quietly.
�Your majesty.� The voice was closer now, at her shoulder. A hand touched her elbow. �Clarisse.�
She turned swiftly and found her body pressed against her bodyguard�s, her eyes closed, face buried in his shoulder she sobbed openly for the first time in years.
* * *
Perhaps she should have been embarrassed by her outburst but oddly she wasn�t in the slightest. With Joseph�s hands resting on her back and his voice soothing her she soon calmed and was escorted to the car. Joseph left a message that the Queen was suddenly feeling unwell and arranged for another car to return for the King later in the evening.
They drove home in silence; Joseph didn�t even speak to the driver. He stared straight ahead down the long dark road and Clarisse stared at him, at the back of his head, the slope of his shoulders. When he leaned forward to press the radio off she�d watched his hand as if it were some sacred tool, wondered how it would feel to hold his hands in a dance. To feel him rocking her to sleep, holding her close for a kiss, offering comfort and kindness in times of pain and heartache. A soothing balm in times of sickness. The more she thought, the more the tears threatened to fall again.
He escorted her into the palace with little fanfare and for once she didn�t know how to proceed, what room to take him into, where they could be alone and talk. She felt like she were on some train that wouldn�t stop and she needed to reach the destination even though it scared her to death. She was lost, and the only way she could see out of it was to accept how she felt and be alone with him.
He followed her as she walked slowly towards her suite, when she stopped at the library doors and turned to him he dipped his head.
�Goodnight your Majesty, I hope you�re feeling well tomorrow.�
�Don�t go yet.� It was barely a whisper but his eyes snapped to hers, full of intensity and questions.
She turned and entered the library and he followed her inside. There was a small room that she reserved especially for herself, not one guest was ever allowed in here, Rupert had only visited a few times. It was small, a couch, a large open comfy chair by the fireplace, a table for her drink; a few select books roughly stacked. She came here for solace, for privacy.
He stared at her blankly, expectantly, his hands hung loosely at his sides.
�Thank you.� Was all she managed to say.
�You�re welcome.� Was his clipped response. �Excuse me your majesty but was there something in particular you wanted to discuss, has my work not been up scratch?�
She shook her head, sliding her coat from her shoulders and wishing she weren�t dressed so elaborately right now.
�Well it�s very late and I have��
��I�m sorry.� She said quickly and he raised an eyebrow, stepping back from her just slightly.
�I�m sorry for hurting you.� She shrugged. �I never wanted to, I didn�t realise when I said those things how much�� she took a breath. �How much it would hurt me too.�
�Majesty�� He said gently but she reached for his arm to hush him.
�I must say this now or I�m afraid I won�t ever and if I never do you�ll never know how I feel and I won�t ever know how it feels to be part of something like this and I just�� She was rambling, she always rambled when she was nervous.
�I can�t do this Joseph.�
�You told me that before.�
�I can�t but, oh but how I want to. I never met anyone who made me feel the way you do. I must have had conversations with a hundred Princes, dignitaries, Lords and Ladies and the richest, the most educated but you� you reduce me to this.�
She was trembling, daren�t let go of his arm for fear he would pull away and she�d lose him.
�I�ve had a thousand conversations with myself about how I can�t do this, I mustn�t feel this way about you, it�s wrong, it�s inappropriate. It�s damned selfish, you�re a wonderful man, caring and intelligent and funny. You should be married and having babies��
He smiled slightly.
�I can�t ask for you to give that up, to devote yourself to me in this horrid sordid secretive way. I don�t have that right. But I can�t share you.�
�I haven�t looked at another woman since I met you.�
She stared at him dumbfounded. �All these years.�
He nodded unable to form a sentence.
�It scares me. This�� She stepped closer to him.
�It terrifies me, the power you have over me. I�d lie down and die for you, and not for my job or my duty but because you make life worth�� he stumbled across his words, desperate to share how he felt inside. �You give me meaning and clarity and you just, I feel like I�ve found forever in you.�
The tears that had threatened earlier slipped down her face. �Nobody has ever made me feel so beautiful.�
He glanced at the huge glistening rock hanging around her neck and she instinctively reached her hand to cover it.
�What can I offer?� He said gently.
�You see me, the me beneath all this.�
�Yet still you can�t� and I understand that, I respect that. But I can�t be with you and not be with you � not now.�
�I understand that too, and I respect it.� She moved closer to him overwhelmed by her desire to feel his hands on her body.
�If I kiss you now, there�s no going back.�
�I know.�
She finally closed her eyes as his hands slid to her waist and felt his lips hesitantly touch hers. Soft gentle kisses, testing to see if it was alright, if he had crossed a line. But she allowed her hands to go to his neck, pressing her body even closer to his, though it proved difficult with the huge dress circling her.
Feeling brave he held his mouth against hers, the blood was pumping in his brain, thudding against his heart, and she moaned. Oh god she wanted this too. He deepened the kiss, not quite invading her mouth but making sure she was aware of the intensity of his kisses, of the meaning behind them.
And then it stopped. She pulled back; she dropped her hands from his neck and stepped back from him.
Her eyes were red from crying, her face flushed and her whole manner one of sexuality and need. But she stepped back.
�I�m sorry.� She shook her head. �I don�t know�� She shrugged, gripping her own shoulders with her hands and trying to put as much space as possible between them. �I don�t know how to handle this.�
Taking a deep shuddering breath, distressed at the sight of her unbalanced and obviously torn up inside he stepped back also.
�Goodnight your Majesty.� Then he noted the further distress in her eyes. �Sleep well Clarisse.� He said softly, his words full of love and regret.
* * *
Joseph didn�t sleep; he wandered the Palace grounds for a couple of hours after leaving Clarisse. Striving to conquer the desire that was coursing through him, hoping the freezing night air would cool his temperament. There was no going back now; there was no forgetting that kiss, or what she�d said.
He passed by the library en route to his room and had stopped, wondering if she was still in there, if he should go to her. But the King�s assistant passed by and stopped to chat to him and he ended up walking with him down the long winding corridors until he reached his own room.
He changed, fell into bed and continually turned over for an hour trying to get comfy and settle his mind. In the end he gave up, there was no sleep to be had tonight. He leant forward and pulled back the drapes from the window looking out at the heavy night sky. There was no sign of stars; it was overcast and the air icy as it skipped over the palace grounds. He occasionally caught a glimpse of a torchlight shining and the figure of some security guard doing his rounds. When he�d inherited this room all those years ago the first thing he did was personally order a new bed, a heavy oak wood frame from England, and positioned it directly beside the small window. That way he could lie in bed at night and see the stars, watch the night sky and drift to sleep with it watching over him.
It offered no comfort tonight. Whatever it was that had happened, whatever had grown between them it was a mistake. He knew that, he had to know that. Besides, her vulnerability right now, the sudden departure of Pierre from his succession and then Philippe disappearing to America and all this mess with the baby and Helen� it was bound to shatter her poise. It struck him that Rupert was never the kind of man you could go and cry to and perhaps Joe had just been there at the right time, a shoulder to cry on. But he�d gone too far, they�d gone too far and now it was time to step back.
Giving up on sleep he rose in the early hours, went for a jog around the grounds then still finding himself full of unused energy he went to the squash courts and battered the tiny ball.
He never noticed the lady watching him through the frosted glass, never heard as she opened the door and went in, standing behind him, leaning against the back wall listening as he shouted at the ball and bounced it repeatedly against the wall.
When he finally missed and the ball slid to the floor and rolled away from him he stopped. His breaths were ragged, his chest stung as he attempted to draw as much air into his lungs as possible.
�Relieving some frustrations.� Her voice was low and soft and he turned at the sound of it.
�You could say that.�
�Awfully early for this.� She said folding her arms, an attempt to keep her posture neutral.
�Didn�t sleep.�
�At all?�
He shook his head.
�No, me neither.� She glanced at the floor, away from him.
He didn�t know what to say, to apologise for the previous night, to enquire as to how she felt now, to ignore it completely and get on with the day ahead.
She broke the silence.
�For my confusing signals Joseph I apologise� last night, I was upset. I was, I needed somebody.�
This time he looked to the floor. She needed somebody, anybody, not just him.
She stepped towards him, almost whispering. �No, I needed you.�
His eyes met hers to draw out any trace of a lie but there was none.
�But there are a million reasons why I mustn�t do this. I can�t. These last couple of months have been very difficult and I let my guard down and allowed myself to feel more than I should� and now I�m a mess. I don�t like to not be in control.�
�I�m aware of that. And I know how unhappy you�ve been recently and I�m sorry I took advantage of that, I overstepped a line.�
�No you didn�t, I knew how deeply you felt, I was the one who let it go too far. For that I apologise, it�s not fair to draw you in then push you away again, it can only hurt you or give false hopes.�
�The false hopes I don�t mind, any kind of hope.� He shrugged.
�You can�t� I don�t want you to. My family, my husband.�
�Don�t.� He walked past her, dropping his racket into the bag by the door.
�You can�t just ignore the fact, all this responsibility.�
�Don�t you ever once think about yourself.�
�Yes, last night I did and I�ve never felt so guilty.�
�God would forgive you the indiscretion Clarisse. You married for duty not love.� He spoke bravely, she couldn�t deny him his point of view now.
�But would I ever forgive myself?�
�Apparently not.� He slung the bag over his shoulder. �I have an hour before we leave for the consulate, I�ll report to your office in forty-five minutes.�
�Joseph wait� I don�t know what you want, I don�t know what I can give you.�
�I just want to be with you, that�s all. No pressure, not pushing you into being with me, I want you to want it to. I want to love you.�
Part 4