16:30
Joseph leant against the windowpane, palms flat on the glass; the rain thudded down outside pooling in the grass. It had rained all day and yet still the sky was heavy, grey and almost moody. He turned from the dismal sight and sat at his desk, he had his own office now, things had changed over the years.
He picked up his phone and dialled a number drumming his fingers on the polished wooden surface. No answer, no signal, a dead line as he expected. Still it was only early, it was still light out� he shrugged off the feeling of unease and poured himself a coffee.
Pierre was in Australia, heading for the outback the last time he�d spoken with him almost two weeks ago. Philippe was just over the border in France and should be home this evening, Shades and two other security guards were with him. Joseph had accompanied Clarisse to a meeting in Germany, it had turned out to be a pretty pointless escapade and he wished he�d arranged the timetable better giving Shades duties with the Queen and he going with Philippe. Still couldn�t be changed now.
Three years had passed since their heated exchange by the lake and neither had mentioned it since. If anything Joseph had grown in confidence, he did his job with ease, he communicated freely and easily with both his staff and any visiting dignitaries. Clarisse had played her part and although, admittedly, she still kept her distance from him the anger had dissipated. For the most part she was polite and occasionally she would even talk to him on a one to one basis.
His love for her too had changed, it was no longer that passionate overwhelming wave that swept over him and knocked him from his feet. Now he wanted nothing more than to protect her, to watch over her, to silently and gently provide a strength in the background for her. To be there if ever she fell, if she ever needed anything. The years spent hiding his love, denying the lust, had stemmed the flow somewhat it was � calmer, still as strong, if anything more so, but calmer, more controlled. He had grown so used to it; it was as natural as breathing.
He rose from his seat, took another look at the rain and drained his coffee cup before heading to the kitchens in search of dinner.
* * *
19:30 p.m.
Weakened and shaking Joseph had to grip the door handle to hold himself up. He felt frozen to the spot; his body was physically cold, goose pimples forming on his flesh, yet he was sweating, profusely. He dabbed at his forehead with the sleeve of his coat then finally opened the door leading to Clarisse�s suite.
He heard her voice immediately, ranting, she was pacing the room babbling on to Charlotte. Demanding answers, knitting her fingers together, she seemed furious; inside he knew she was terrified.
�Joseph!� She demanded noticing him by the door. �Joseph, what the hell has happened, nobody will tell me anything. Where�s Philippe?�
�Your majesty�� He said gently. What was he supposed to say? How did you do this? How did you explain it? The rain� the helicopter� her son.
He took a step forward, folding his hands in front of him. The room seemed to shrink, closing in on him, all eyes watching and waiting for him to do it. �Clarisse.�
She watched him, her eyes glazed over as she took in his expression. �Oh god��
�Clarisse� I��
�Get out,� she whispered. �Get out all of you!� She shouted, the maids in the room visibly shook at her words.
Charlotte�s tear filled eyes looked to Joseph; he nodded and waited as they filed from the room, never taking his eyes from her. She turned to the window; she was trembling, trying to hold herself together, not to dissolve in front of anybody.
He stepped forward, deciding in that instant that he wouldn�t leave her no matter what she said. Stepping to the side of the couch and summoning whatever strength he had he rested his hand on her shoulder. She shook him off but he tried again.
�No�� She grimaced.
He gripped her shoulder willing her to turn to him.
�No!� She screeched pushing him away but he caught her arm and held her shaking body to him.
�No� no, no, no�� She fell to her knees sobbing; deep shuddering sobs that racked her body and spilled form her mouth without thought or structure.
He fell with her, holding her close to his chest, closing his eyes and allowing his own silent tears to fall.
* * *
20:15
�Here drink this.� Joseph held a large glass of whisky to Clarisse.
She still sat on the floor, one of her shoes had fallen off and her skirt was scrunched up around her. She never moved.
�Clarisse, drink it.�
�No.�
He sat down next to her sighing. �Well I�m gonna have one.� He said deeply.
�Tell me what happened.�
He looked at her face, her eyes staring at the floor deadly.
�I can�t do that.�
�Tell me.� She barked suddenly glaring at him.
He took a deep breath. �They never should have left in that weather, the storm, they shouldn�t have risked it.�
�It�s a short trip,� She said gently, to herself. �A short trip, we�ve taken it before, he�ll be safe, perfectly safe, perfectly fine��
�Clarisse.� He touched her hand.
�Fine, he�ll be fine.�
�Clarisse.� He said more forcefully.
�Why won�t you let me see him?� She snapped. �Why, why are you hiding him from me.�
�Come on, drink this.� He held the glass to her lips but she knocked it from his hand and spilt over the lush rug she sat on.
�Why won�t you let me see him, you can�t keep him from me, he�s my son.�
�I know my darling.�
�Let me see him!�
�I can�t do that.�
She stiffened, his words registering.
She gasped, holding her head. �He looks so bad I can�t see him, my baby� my� he looks�.� She was pulling at her hair, pinching her skin with her nails.
�Clarisse stop it.� He grabbed her hands. �Clarisse, stop, it�s not how I want you to remember him. Not how it should be.�
�He�s my son!� She was screaming at him, beating herself, sobbing uncontrollably.
�My son, my baby, you have no right��
He held her again, tightly against him. �I�m sorry, I�m sorry.�
�You have no right, I want him back, I want you to bring him back.�
�I would, I would� I would change it for you. I wish I could my love.�
Finally she stopped fighting and let go, she allowed him to hold her, she allowed him to be the strength.
* * *
21:45
Joseph stood by the fireplace, he was exhausted, his body ached and his head was thudding. Clarisse lay on the couch; she�d been there for the past hour, staring at the ceiling. No words had been spoken and the room was heavy with grief and tears, warm with heavy breathing and claustrophobic.
�I want to die.� Her voice broke the silence, cracked and weighty.
He lifted his pounding head to look at her.
�The pain is too much, I want to die.�
�No, Pierre needs you. We need you.�
She closed her eyes. �Demands.�
�Who�s making demands?�
�Everybody, they�ll expect it, me tomorrow telling them we can get through this, that all will be fine. That this country can hold its head up and go on, how can I do that, how can I lie?�
�Don�t.�
�Easy for you to say, you won�t be on television tomorrow holding your head up high, not cracking under the pressure, not showing one ounce of emotion� a chink in the armour.� She tossed the words out without considering what she was saying.
�You won�t be on television, I won�t allow it.�
Her eyes drifted over to him.
�You don�t have to do anything, speeches, interviews, nothing until you�re ready. You can lock yourself up in here and see nobody, if that�s what you want.�
She glanced away, sighing deeply.
�I don�t want to see you.�
�I�m not leaving you yet��
�To hell with you, what do you know, you don�t have children� you can�t feel what I feel.�
�No, I can�t.� He said gently.
�I feel sick.� She sat up abruptly.
He moved forward, standing close enough to help her if she needed it.
�What happens now? Where is my son?�
�I� I don�t know, I haven�t spoken to anyone in hours. Would you like me to find out?�
�Yes.�
He stepped past her heading for the door.
�No, no don�t go.� She struggled up from the couch, gripping the back as she moved around.
�I� I feel so ill.�
Joseph rushed forward and caught her before she fell.
�I need� I feel sick.�
�All right, come on.� He helped to the bathroom and filled the basin with cold water plunging her hands into it.
�Hold them there.�
She was deathly pale and shivering violently. He folded a towel, held it beneath the water then pressed it to her forehead. She jerked back but he placed a hand on her back and held her still. Eventually her eyes closed and the shivering subsided.
�Better?�
�Yes.� She murmured.
�Can you walk?�
�Yes.�
He helped her up and back to the couch, she collapsed onto it and closed her eyes.
He waited a few minutes, she didn�t move, her eyes didn�t open. He moved through to the library and used the phone to contact Charlotte. When he returned to the room Clarisse was staring at him, wide-eyed.
�Well� and don�t sugar-coat it.�
�The police are making a report, Philippe�s body is� in the mortuary, the archbishop has been to bless him. Shades is in theatre, touch and go at the moment, two others dead. Crash site��
�Stop, enough, stop.�
He nodded and moved to sit in the chair by the fire. He folded his hands in his lap and looked at her, her eyes were closed again, her body twisted on the couch. He saw the tears slipping down her face only this time he didn�t try and hold her. He left her to cry alone.
* * *
23:20
�Thank you.� Clarisse mumbled as Joseph held the glass to her lips, she sipped a little water the laid back down again, her head spinning too much and too heavy to sit up properly.
He put the glass on the coffee table and leant over her arranging the pillows behind her head.
�You should try and sleep. It�s getting late.�
�I can�t.� She said without looking at him.
�I could get the Doctor, he�s here, sleeping pills.�
�No, I don�t want any drugs� attempts to numb the pain.�
�A hot drink, something to calm you.�
�No, nothing.� She turned over burying her face into the cushions, hiding from him.
He knelt down next to her, placing a hand on her shoulder. �Clarisse, let me help.�
�No! Why won�t you leave me alone�� She jerked round to him. �Leave me alone, let me suffer alone, leave!�
�If that�s what you want.� He got up and collected his jacket from the chair moving to the door, he opened it, stopped, the closed it again.
�Joseph� ?�
�I�m here.�
Her heard her let out a long slow breath and he gave her a minute before going back to her.
�You�re exhausted.�
She nodded.
�You need to sleep.�
�I can�t!� She was shouting again. He let her.
�I can�t! My mind won�t rest, every time I close my eyes it�s there, he�s there, I can see his face� I can�t help him Joseph. I couldn�t help him; I want��
�Shhh�� He took hold of her hands stopping her from hurting herself.
�I want to help him, I�m his mother, it�s what I should do. Protection� how can this happen, how�� she was struggling to breathe, her words were caught in her breath, her hands clawing at Joseph�s back.
�Shhh, sweetheart, please rest. You�ll make yourself ill.�
�I wish I were dead, I wish it were me.�
�No,� he kissed her head. �No, not you� not you.�
�Oh Joseph, how can I go on? How can I�� She fell back onto the couch, her energy drained.
�Please try and sleep, please let me get you something.�
�No drugs, I said�� Her voice rose again.
Joseph held her hands soothingly. �All right, all right, no drugs. A bath perhaps, will that calm you, a hot bath.�
�I can�t get up.� She closed her eyes. �My head.�
�I�m here, I�ll help you. Will you let me?� He squeezed her fingers awaiting her reaction. �Will you let me help Clarisse?�
She nodded, only slightly, but it was consent.
* * *
Midnight
For the second time that night Joseph entered Clarisse�s private bathroom, the large bath stood in the centre of the room, grand and majestic. He filled it almost to the top, chose one if the bottles of fragrant oils and put a few drops in. He didn�t know her favourite, he doubted it mattered.
He found large towels and put them on the chair by the side of the bath, lit the candles that stood about and turned the lights off.
Going back to the lounge Joseph rolled his shirtsleeves up, Clarisse was half sat, half lying on the couch.
�Can you stand?�
She looked up at him absently, uncomprehending.
�Okay, I�m going to help you.�
Still she said nothing, looked past him.
He dropped his hand behind her back, the other under her knees and lifted her up. She didn�t resist, she was limp in his arms, her arms hung at her side, she didn�t even try to hold onto him.
He put her down on the chair in the bathroom and knelt at her feet, he tenderly rolled her stockings down and took them off. Pulled her shirt free from her skirt and slowly opened each button, she didn�t even look at him, she never said a word or even registered his movements. He hesitated at her bra, but it had to be done, he removed it quickly, standing behind her as he did so. Then wrapped a towel around her.
She stood at his insistence and waited as he opened the clasp on her skirt and slid it off. The last of her underwear quickly followed and he helped her step into the bath.
She leant back and closed her eyes, the water rose to her chest. For a second Joseph considered leaving her there to rest alone, then he saw her head fall to the side and he moved to sit behind her, lifting her chin with his finger and hearing her murmur something incomprehensible
He positioned the chair behind her head, found a sponge and began to bathe her neck and shoulders, trailing hot soapy water over her skin.
�Where is my son?� She whispered.
Joseph closed his eyes inwardly sighing, she was delirious again.
�Where is Pierre?�
Oh god Pierre.
�Charlotte is trying to find him, he�s been away from camp for a couple of days travelling. We�ll get him home.�
�Where is God now Joseph?�
He was caught off guard by the question, it seemed to be voiced with perfect logic and yet coming from her it scared him.
�I believe, I pray, I�ve always done what was asked of me. And yet he takes Philippe away from me, like this, and I can�t understand.�
�It�s not for us to understand, if we try to make sense of it we can�t, it�s an accident, a terrible tragic mindless accident. We can�t make sense of it, we can�t change it.�
�I can�t blame God, is that what you�re telling me.�
�I wouldn�t tell you anything, you believe what you feel is right to believe.�
�I blame myself� I�m his mother, I should protect�� Her words cut off as she stifled a sob.
�Shhh, it isn�t for you to blame yourself, it�s nobody�s fault. We�ve made that trip a hundred times, in weather like this, nobody would expect it��
She lifted a hand to her face and rubbed her forehead. �I feel so drained, there�s nothing left, no feelings, nothing, I�m numb.�
�Shock. You should sleep. Let me bathe you.�
She dropped her head back, giving him access to her chest, he washed the parts of her body that were visible until she was drifting away into unconsciousness.
When he�d finished he lifted out and dried her, any trace of unease at her being naked disappeared. This was about comfort and companionship, support. He put her dressing gown on as she leant against him, her muscles weak and lifeless, her body refusing to co-operate. She was crying again, openly, if it had shocked him before to see such a display of utter raw emotion from her now it simply drained him.
He carried her through to the bedroom, laid her in the large bed and dimmed the lights, leaving only a lamp on at the far side of the room. Leaning over her he brushed her damp hair back from her face, and smoothed her tears away, hoping she would be asleep soon.
He stood back up and rubbed his own forehead, not sure how to go on, how was he supposed to deal with this, how best could he help her?
�Don�t lave me�� She said gently.
�I won�t.� He bent and kissed her head then covered her up.
Returning to the bathroom he tidied where they had been before washing his own face in ice-cold water. Perhaps he would order some coffee, he needed to stay awake for her, he wanted to.
He was surprised to find her staring at him when he re-entered the bedroom.
�I thought you would be sleeping.�
�I�m hot.�
He moved to the bed, �do you want something to drink?�
�No.� She tugged the covers down a little.
�Here, take this off.� He helped her slip the dressing gown off then covered her back up.
He rested a hand on her forehead, there was no fever, as he pulled back she caught his hand.
�Stay.�
�I promised, I�ll be here.�
She looked at him, her eyes red and sore. �No, stay��
He took her meaning and sat down on the bed next to her, holding her hand. She lifted her head into his lap and closed her eyes finally allowing sleep to take her.
* * *
02:30
Clarisse sat up suddenly in bed, her chest heaving, her mind racing. She clutched her chest, could feel her heart thumping there, her breath came in short sharp gasps and she felt dizzy as her eyes attempted to adjust to the darkness.
�Joseph�� She gasped. �Joseph��
�I�m here,� He looked up from his chair, he had drifted off. �I�m here.�
�I thought you�d left, I thought� I dreamt, nightmares��
He moved back to the bed attempting to cover her chest where the sheets had slipped down, she shivered in the cool air of the room.
�You promised you�d stay.�
�I�m right here, I was right here all the time. Lie back down.�
She did as he asked but kept her eyes on his face. �What time is it?�
�2:30.�
�Pierre?�
�On a plane, on his way.�
�Oh god.� She covered her face. �What do I say to him, I don�t know, nobody prepares you for this.�
He sat down next to her shushing her fears, she would be sick again at this rate.
�He will understand, you�ll help each other.�
�I don�t� I�ve never been good with easing heartache, look at how I handled things with�� She sobbed, shaking against him. �Oh Philippe�s daughter, she must know, people, need to know. I was so wrong, I dealt with it so badly, he loved her, I wanted, the country needed him, selfish, so selfish and heartless and now I don�t have the chance to tell him, no right to be here��
�Clarisse, darling please, please, try and rest, don�t think on it all now. Please.� He kissed her forehead repeatedly.
�And you, what have I done to you, it should have been me.�
�No, rest, lie back, come on�� He eased her back against the pillows, felt the pulse in her throat erratic and rapid. �I�ll stay.� He lay down next to her.
She grabbed his arm, pressed her face against his chest, crying into his shirt. He held her as best as he could.
�My baby� oh god,� She was murmuring against him, he did his best to soothe her but she needed to cry, she needed to mourn.
He closed his eyes, hoping her crying would exhaust her and she�d slip into sleep again soon, this was doing neither of them any good.
He became aware of her fumbling with the button on his shirt.
�Clarisse.� He pulled back.
�Love me.�
�No, Clarisse, not like this� stop, you don�t want this. Not really.�
She had slipped his shirt back and was dragging her nails across his exposed flesh. �Take the pain away. Joseph please.�
�I would, oh god help me, I would if I could my love.�
He held her face, kissed her forehead again and wiped at her tears.
�Clarisse, let me hold you, sleep.�
She fell against him and he wrapped her in his arms, finally she slept again and he allowed exhaustion to take over his body completely.
* * *
05:15
Clarisse woke first, aware of somebody�s body next to hers and nothing else. She was warm, she was naked and she could smell� Joseph. The night before rushed back and she caught a sob in her throat, the pain hitting her again fresh and raw.
Tenderly she lifted her head, it was heavy, dull and aching, the continually crying at had taken its toll. Joseph�s hand moved on her waist, at some point during the night he�d slipped beneath the sheets with her.
He opened his eyes taking in her face as she looked down at him. She moved from his arms to lie next to him, on her back, staring at the ceiling.
�Thank you, for being here.�
�Of course.� She seemed to have regained some of her composure it seemed, he sat up a little glancing at his watch.
�I don�t think I could have coped, I�m not sure I will. I have to, I suppose.�
�You know you have my support.�
�Yes.� She closed her eyes.
�Are you hungry, would you eat something for me?�
�I�m not sure I�d keep it down.�
�Will you try?�
She shook her head. �Not yet. You won�t let anybody in will you, I can�t face anyone.�
�No, I won�t.� He was prepared for his own dismissal now but she said nothing of it.
�I feel like I�m waking from a dream and it will all be a mistake, I can�t envision going on, I can�t see tomorrow or next week or� how we will continue to function. Parents aren�t supposed to outlive their children, it isn�t right, nature�s laws have been upset.�
He said nothing, what could he possibly reply to that with? He simply listened, after all they�d shared over the years this was the closest he�d ever been to her, the real Clarisse, the first time she�d allowed him to witness it all. No walls, no barriers, she grieved openly in front of him.
She reached over and took his hand, folding her fingers with his; she was still trembling, even now.
�I�m sorry if I said anything,� she sighed. �Anything, uncalled for last night.�
�You have no need to apologise for anything, you have every right to grieve.�
�It isn�t your job to deal with that.�
�No, it�s not my job. But as somebody who�s loved you for the last ten years it�s my role, I�m here to comfort and support in any way I can.�
She turned her head to him; her eyes open wide with shock.
�How can you still love me? Everything I put you through, the terrible things I�ve said to you.�
�How can I not?�
She closed her eyes. �I thought I�d lost you, I tried so hard, to push you away��
�Yes.�
�I�m so sorry, so very sorry Joseph, all these years� oh I�ve caused you so much pain. I have no right, no right to have you by my side.� She turned over to face him, touched his face with shaking fingers. �Nobody has ever been more there for me than you, I need you, I�ve always needed you and now� I don�t think I can�t get through.�
�Yes you can, you have that inner strength Clarisse.�
�I feel my heart is breaking, I feel I�m clinging on just for Pierre, to see him. There�s no reason to go on beyond that.�
He clasped her hands. �Pierre needs you, this country does, you guide it, you light it. And for me, I need you just as much, I won�t ever leave you. Let me help, let me love you��
She nodded slightly and lifted her mouth to his but he pulled back and instead kissed her hand.
�What do I do, I don�t know what to do�� Her eyes filled with tears and she wondered just how she could still cry, there was no energy left.
�You�ll find a way. Rest now, nothing is immediate, nobody expects you to face the world today.�
�I must arrange the funeral.�
�Not yet, not right now�� he brushed the tears away with his thumb, noting the darkness beneath her eyes. �Why don�t you try and sleep some more, you�ve only had a few hours.�
She nodded, her fight gone. She rested against him again and within a few minutes slept.
* * *
10:00
Joseph woke Clarisse as the sun streamed through the windows lighting the bedroom. He�d been up a while, had showered and changed and dealt with any issues. As far as the staff knew the Queen was grieving in her rooms and needed time alone, she wasn�t to be disturbed. Charlotte arranged for a skeleton staff to take over and sent the rest home to their families, only she was aware of the fact that Joseph hadn�t left her majesty�s suite all night.
Pierre was another six hours away; statements had been released to the press in the early hours and the country was plunged into mourning when they awoke to the news on television. Within hours the world�s media was aware of the tragic accident that had claimed the future King of Genovia�s life and the lives of three others. One was still critical.
Clarisse sat up wearily in bed and Joseph handed her a glass of water and two pills. She looked up at him questioningly.
�Aspirin, for your head.�
She took them without any more questions.
�How is��
He held up his hand silencing her. �No questions, no worries on dealing with anything, it�s all taken care of.�
�Thank you.�
She leant her head back and took a deep breath. �I need a shower.�
�Okay, do you want me to leave?�
�No, please, don�t.�
He took her hand. �How do you feel, can you stand?�
�I�m not sure.�
He helped her put her dressing gown on and guided her as she shifted to the edge of the bed and dropped her feet to the floor. Gingerly she stood and took a few wobbly steps, Joseph held onto her arm and helped her into the bathroom.
�I feel such a burden.� She said absently, clinging to his arm.
�Never.� His voice was soft, calming.
He helped her into the shower and sat in the same chair as the night before, waiting for her to finish.
For fifteen minutes they didn�t speak, he listened to the sound of the running water, reflected on events and allowed his own tears to fall for the man he cared so deeply for.
�Joseph?� She questioned after a while.
�I�m still here.�
�I feel� a little hungry.�
He couldn�t help but feel grateful. �I�ll ring through to the kitchen, order you something.�
�I want to eat in my room.� She said quickly.
�I know, they can bring it up here.�
�I don�t want to see��
�I will accept it, you don�t have to see anybody. Anything in particular?�
�Something sweet, pastry, cake, I don�t know, sweet� and tea.�
�Yes, I�ll order it. Are you almost finished?�
�Yes.�
�Do you need my help getting out.�
�My head is clearing, I should manage, I�ll call if, if I need your help.�
�I�ll be in the lounge.�
�Will you stay and eat with me?�
�Of course.� He moved to the door.
�Joseph��
�Yes.�
�You won�t be far?�
�Just in the lounge.�
�Okay, okay��
He opened the door and went to step out.
�Oh Joseph��
�Yes.�
�Thank you.�
�You know you don�t have to thank me.�
�I do, I thank you for being here��
�I said I always would be. I wouldn�t lie to you.�
�I know.� She said quietly closing her eyes and holding her face beneath the hot water, letting it wash away the previous nights tears.
*
Part 16