�He�s my son!!!� The words screamed from her throat leaving a soreness as if they were as solid as metal. She cast her eyes to the floor, squeezed tighter on her folded hands. �He�s my son.� She said more gently this time.
�I realise that Clarisse.� Joseph responded with a dignified resolve.
Finally she brought herself to look at him, standing across the room, next to her desk like a naughty schoolboy.
�What do you want me to do?� She said hoarsely.
�I honestly don�t have an answer to that.�
�Ohh�� Rubbing her forehead she went to sit on the couch. �My husband died a week ago, my son thinks I�m having an affair with you� How do you expect me to react, to act, I have to put a stop to this.�
�It�s hardly an affair.� His voice seemed cold, emotionless.
�As good as.� She replied.
�Does it never occur to you that I�m involved in this too, that my feelings are being crushed� again.�
�Of course it does, what do you take me for? God Joseph after everything that�s happened, all we�ve been through together, these years forcing each other to keep a distance and now we finally find someway of being together, a balance, and I have to let it go, believe me this hasn�t been as easy decision.�
�Then why make it, give it time, he�s a sensible man he must understand.�
�He does understand, that�s not the point.� She sighed. �He does understand, he told me as much, the point is I can�t do it. I can�t do that to my son, to both of my sons.�
�But it�s fine to cut me out of your life, to take away the one day a week I get to have time alone with you. As small as that may seem it does mean so much��
�I know! I know that, it�s not easy for me either. But what choice do I have?� She was shouting again, Joseph wasn�t used to witnessing her anger. �What choice do I have, to go on and allow my sons to think I�m some kind of whore?�
Joseph watched her silently. The way her head leaned to one side, her shoulders slumped, her body tired � all that poise and dignity vanished. He couldn�t form a response to that statement, and it was a while before she spoke again.
�Don�t you see, the guilt over deceiving Rupert was bad enough � how can I deceive my sons?�
�So what happens now?� His voice was low, resigned to her decision.
�I wish I knew, I suppose we go back to how things were.�
�Friends?�
�At a distance��
�Avoiding each other.� He snapped.
She nodded and heard his sharp intake of breath, the way his stance changed.
�You can�t think I want this Joseph, not in my heart. But I can�t lie to them. Philippe knew just from the way we looked at each other.�
�So I�m not even to look at you!�
�Joseph please, don�t make this so difficult.�
�How the hell am I supposed to make it easy Clarisse � tell me.�
She looked up at him, catching his steady gaze, her eyes felt heavy with tears yet she refused to cry.
�I can�t do this alone. I need your support to get through��
He too a deep breath, how could he refuse, how could he break that trust?
�As always you have it.�
She smiled slowly, sadly. �Thank you.� Her eyes cast down again and she rubbed the bridge of her nose.
Feeling brave Joseph stepped forward and knelt in front of her. He quickly clasped her hands in his and pressed his lips against hers. Initially she stiffened in the embrace, it had been over a year since they�d last kissed, but then she saw it for what it was. One last kiss, a final touch of affection. She kissed him back, their hands still joined on her knee. Then abruptly he let go, stood up and left the room.
She didn�t open her eyes; exhausted, physically and emotionally drained she leant back on the couch allowing her shoes to slip off. In the end it would be better if Joseph left, for both of them, she had no right to be so selfish to keep him around dangling on a string waiting for her. He deserved more than that. Plus she wasn�t sure she had the strength to go on seeing him every day and have no more contact than the professional relationship allowed, they�d tried that before and it didn�t work. It resulted in her being miserable and even Rupert noticed the change in her moods.
The truth was she needed his companionship; perhaps if she wasn�t around him she could overcome that need. Perhaps if he wasn�t around her he might find somebody else, and have the family he so desperately wanted, it wasn�t too late for that. Yet she�d attempted to push him away before and it hadn�t worked, he�d simply remained steadfast in his duties and committed to his job. No, she had to be harsher this time, down right icy cold, and force him out, force him to hate her, make him hate her. So he couldn�t bear to even be in the same building as her�
* * *
2 years later
Joseph glanced out of the window and wished he hadn�t, the landing strip loomed before him in a blur. He hated to fly, he always had; now there was no denying he was a brave man but even the bravest man must have his weaknesses, his was flying. That�s why usually he avoided the window seats, another wave of nausea washed over him as the plane descended and he wondered just how he�d been convinced to sit here.
�Feeling okay Joseph?� Pierre said gently, he sounded strangely like Clarisse, his voice full of concern.
�In about five minutes I�ll be absolutely perfect.� He said through clenched teeth.
He heard Pierre laugh, he enjoyed the young man�s company, in fact he enjoyed both the Princes company. Pierre was very much his mother�s son; he had her fair colouring, her kindness, her gentleness. Philippe looked like his father, especially as he aged the similarities were uncanny. Yet he wasn�t as shrewd as his father, he didn�t possess that grit, Joseph supposed that was Clarisse�s doing. And of course the time he spent in America calmed him, settled him, gave him a centre Joe supposed. He was finally confronted with �real life� out there and it changed him.
His head jerked back and he realised they had landed, thank god. He had just spent two weeks in Rome with both Pierre and Philippe; it had been part of trade negotiations for the future king and for Pierre a chance to spend valuable time in the Holy City. Joseph had split his time between the pair, two days with Philippe, then two with Pierre and he actually found he enjoyed every minute.
Unlike King Rupert Philippe was very approachable and levelheaded, and recently he�d take to discussing issues with Joseph in the car on the way back to the consulate. The young Prince had realised early on that Joe was no ordinary security guard, he was an educated man, he was witty and always aware of events unfolding around him. Europe was constantly changing and Joe made sure he was affront of these issues. He spoke several languages and Philippe realised how valuable he was, he was glad he�d remained with the family for so long.
Though where his relationship with his mother went he wasn�t sure, at one point, for one single day, he�d believed there was something deep between them. Though he�d never witnessed anything again, in fact it seemed since his father�s death his mother had closed herself off. As if she too was waiting for death to arrive, waiting for her son to become King and her role to diminish and finally disappear. That bright sparkling woman that was the centre of every occasion had all but disappeared, it saddened him, it hurt him, yet he wasn�t entirely sure how to deal with it. Getting his mother to admit to any emotions was immensely difficult, she�d been brought up a different way, she didn�t deal with feelings openly.
His father had been dead over two years now, yet she still seemed to be grieving. He�d heard of some people never getting over the death of their partner, but it surprised him, there had never been a deep bonding love between his parents. It was a marriage of convenience, there love had been commitment and friendship and something he wasn�t entirely sure he understood, he never imagined it would affect Clarisse in such a way.
�We�re home old man.� Philippe looked up to see his brother resting a hand on his shoulder.
Philippe smiled. �And it�s raining.�
�As always, come, let�s go meet mother.�
*
Joseph took the passenger seat of the car for the journey back to the palace and left the two brothers alone in the back of the car. He admired his newly tanned skin in the mirror, the weather had been glorious in Rome and he�d even managed to grab a few hours alone. He snuck off and visited the Trevi Fountain, threw coins in with the other tourists and wished, though for what he wasn�t entirely sure. It wasn�t as if his life was miserable at the moment, in fact since Philippe had taken over as the key figure and Joseph had spent the majority of his time travelling with the young man and enjoying his company he�d been fairly happy.
The only downside of course was the lack of contact with Clarisse, or perhaps that was a blessing. She had changed, as a consequence of losing Rupert or her relationship with Joe himself he wasn�t sure. Though he often doubted it was the latter. His love for her had diminished in the slightest and he had no wish to be parted from her entirely, somehow he still hoped that she would see sense. That in time she would recall what it was they share and come back to him. So then perhaps that was his wish.
He had visited the Colleseum, walked solitary among the crowds of visitors. The heat was getting unbearable mid-afternoon, he stood and pictured the noise, the heat, the volume as men fought, as crowds cheered, hungry for blood, hungry for death. He located a small restaurant, sat outside and ate pasta and drank red wine, it was a meal he had many times before yet somehow it tasted different here� magical almost.
He created a scenario in his mind, a picture of bringing Clarisse here and holding her hand across the table. Of watching her face in the candlelight, her shoulders bare with the warmth of the evening yet a breeze gently lifting her hair. He imagined it so well he thought he could actually see her there, but as always it was just a dream. He was alone. Wasn�t that always the way. Part of him wondered how long it would be that way, and he found he was angry with her, almost hating her for doing this to him. Because try as he might he couldn�t truly imagine leaving her behind, after everything that had happened, he couldn�t see himself existing outside of her world.
Another woman� another love perhaps? A life away from the palace, away from Genovia. He could live here, he could live in Italy and settle down and eat good food and drink fine wine. Yes he probably could. But it wouldn�t be real. He�d tried it before, other women, he couldn�t erase her, she was part of his soul and no matter where he went or what he did she was with him. And that was both a blessing and a curse, for he was still alone.
�Sir� erm Sir we�re almost back.�
Joseph shook himself from his reverie, glancing up at the familiar gates to the palace. The colours of the guards awaiting their arrival, he wondered if Clarisse would be waiting for them, eager to see her sons. He wondered if she would smile, she hardly ever smiled these days and he missed it. How bloody ridiculous, to find you missed a smile.
The car came to a halt and on automatic he released his seatbelt and got out of the car, when he turned to open the back door he found the guard had already done it and Pierre was stepping out and thanking him.
He watched them both climb the steps welcomed by Charlotte who had recently taken over as the Queen�s assistant. She was young but proving to be highly competent, plus Clarisse had warmed to her, so important in a position like that. He followed at a discreet distance, took in the familiar scent of the light summer rain falling on the grounds. It was refreshing.
He crossed the hall still a few steps behind and heard Clarisse�s familiar footsteps on the polished floor.
�Oh, so good to have you both home.� Her voice was almost joyful as she greeted her sons, she went to hug Philippe then seemed to stop herself and instead allowed first him then Pierre to kiss her cheek.
She wore black, she looked pale. Joseph noted absently. He looked away, over their heads to the ceiling. He didn�t listen to the conversation that passed between them, he was aware of Shades coming to stand next to him. They�d both been travelling for hours, up since dawn organising and planning and after being almost permanently on duty for the past fifteen days they were both in need of a long hot bath and a relaxing evening of peacefulness. Though Joseph was sure Shades wouldn�t get such a peaceful night, he was convinced the young security guard, his prot�g�e, was seeing one of the maids�
�Joseph� it�s good to have you back.� Clarisse said, no trace of emotion.
�Good to be back ma�am.� He replied with the same lack of affection. How had it come to this?
She nodded curtly, then turned away with Pierre taking her arm and walking with her. Joseph relaxed, his escape was almost in sight, he could almost feel the silky water enveloping his body. He looked towards the exit and caught Philippe�s eye, he was staring at him, a sadness to his gaze.
Joseph was about to say something, ask him if he needed him for anything else that evening. But he stopped himself, he recognised the look for what it was� pity perhaps, regret, helplessness.
Philippe smiled at him. �Thank you Joseph, you�ve proven invaluable during this visit, I appreciate it� I appreciate all you do.�
�Thank you sir, you are most welcome.�
Philippe seemed to wait a second, registering the older man before turning on his heel and walking away.
Joseph saw his chance and escaped to his room, suddenly in need of a very large brandy.
* * *
The following Sunday Joseph had slept in late, something he didn�t usually indulge in seeing it as both a waste of his free day and he missed the morning, the best part of the day! He took one of the horses out early, raced across the expansive grounds, through the forest, took in the scent of the early morning dew. The sight of the country just waking, bright and alive, yet steady and dreamlike as Sundays often were. He had no idea how long he�d been gone but his stomach warned him it was time to return and have something to eat.
His return was slower, he took a different route. For part of the time he remained on the main road, nobody passed him, then he returned to the dense forest and intended to pass by the lake before his final return to the stables.
He alighted and let the horse rest, intending to take a few minutes to himself by the water. It was beautiful here, silent, and private, one of the perks of working in such a place.
�Good morning.�
He knew the voice, recognised it from the breath took before any words were spoken. It came from behind him, he hadn�t noticed her before, he wondered if she�d hidden away on purpose.
Slowly he turned, fully prepared with his usual work like demeanour in place.
�Good morning your majesty.�
She came forward, the sunlight catching in her hair.
�You�re up early Joseph.�
�As are you.�
�Pierre left for France early, I wanted to see him off.�
�Of course.�
He turned back to the lake, staring at it hoping she would allow him his few moments of privacy and silence. Yet he sensed her getting closer behind him, but when he dared to look over his shoulder at her she was still standing exactly where she had been before. Her hands folded in front of her in a highly formal manner for a warm Sunday morning.
�I was hoping I�d see you, I wanted to talk with you.� She said abruptly.
�Oh?�
�Yes, I, well I was going to ask you to come to my office but it seems silly to put it off seeing as you�re here now.�
He stared at her blankly then found his voice. �Something important ma�am?�
�Yes� I�ve noticed how close you and Philippe are getting.� Her voice was cold.
�Yes.� He breathed waiting for her to continue.
�I want it to stop.�
Had she really just said that? Had she really just treated him so lowly?
�I don�t like it Joseph, I want it to stop, I want you to keep your distance.�
He shook his head. �I really don�t understand you� I would have thought a good working relationship, would be beneficial to the running of this country.�
�Perhaps, but he seems to be relying on you a little too much.�
�And why is that so bad Clarisse?� He was fuming; his anger was taking over and his respect and love for her quickly fading. �Why does it pain you so much that I should have a good relationship with your sons?�
�Because it isn�t right� you know why.� She added gently
�Because of who I am, I assume, because I am just a worker� though I seemed to fit the bill for you at one point.�
�Don�t.� She turned away, marching towards the entrance to the clearing.
He raced after her and grabbed her shoulder, forcing her to turn around and face him.
�How dare you!� She shouted, her eyes were lifeless, so cold and distant.
�No, how dare you! I don�t care what your personal thoughts or feelings towards me are, you have no right to interfere in my relationship � my friendship with Philippe. He�s a good man, I enjoy spending time with him, unlike you he appears to respect me.�
�Respect� what respect do you want?�
He shook his head. �Obviously one you don�t think I deserve, a lowly security guard. No airs and graces for me, no fancy jewels and bowing as I enter a room.�
�Stop it.�
�Why? Isn�t your intention to hurt me Clarisse, hasn�t that been your only intention since the funeral. To hurt me, to cut me out completely, you failed. I�m still here.�
�What if I told you I only slept with you as an experiment� because I never had anybody else, I wanted to know what it felt like.�
�I�d say you were lying. You enjoyed it too much.�
Uncharacteristically she raged at him, hitting his face, grappling with his shirt as if he wanted to tear him limb from limb.
�I hate you!�
He held her wrists in his. �No you don�t, I know you Clarisse. It�s been what almost four years since we slept together. I still see your face, I can still feel your body against mine, you wanted that as much as I did.�
She relented against him and he loosened his grasp but still held her.
�I remember how you were, your smile was genuine, and you were the happiest I�ve ever known you, the most whole I�ve ever known you. And I�ve seen you through some things Clarisse.�
�Let go of me, you have no right.�
�I think I have every right, you�re trying to make my life hell.�
�Why won�t you leave?� She whispered. �It would be easier.�
�For you, not for me.�
�I can�t do this.�
�Then stop fighting me.�
�I can�t�� She snatched her hands back rubbing her wrists. �I can�t.�
�I�m not sure what�s happening to you, I�m not sure I know you anymore.�
�Perhaps you never knew me in the first place.�
�Perhaps I didn�t� but then all that we shared would be a lie and I really don�t think it is. I can�t leave you.�
�I can�t be with you.�
�You won�t even try. You take a step towards me then back away, two years in this isolation Clarisse, two god damn years suffering your wrath, it stops now, you can�t fault my work.�
�No.� She admitted.
�Then let me get on with it, you don�t want me fine, I can deal with it, I�m not that shallow. But don�t keep rubbing salt in the wound.�
�I said I�d hurt you in the end, do you remember, so many years ago, I told you��
�You did, I never thought you would hurt me this way.� He began to walk away from her, touching his face and feeling the blood there.
�Joseph�� Her voice was soft, aching.
He turned to face her, hopeful.
�You won�t speak of this to anyone.�
�Who the hell would I tell? Besides, nobody would ever believe you would act this way.�
�Why not?�
�Because the Queen never shows emotion� of any kind, she didn�t even cry when her husband died.�
He knew the words were harsh but right then he simply didn�t care. He took the reign on his horse and walked away, leaving her alone by the lake.
*
Part 15