| Part 8 (Bryan) I never even noticed the door open, I thought I was alone until I felt someone hugging me. It was mum. It was like when she had cried on my shoulder when Jessica was sick, only the roles reversed, I sobbed so hard. "Shhh, it's ok. You're going to be ok Bryan."she said, trying to reassure me. "Mum, I can't do this, I can't bring up the kids without her. I couldn't stop Jess crying earlier today, what if it's always going to be like that?" "It's not. Trust me. It'll get easier." She said. "Will it?" I looked up at her, "I can't do this." "Yes you can. Those kids need their Dad now, more than ever, you're not alone." That was Dad, we all looked at Jessica as she slowly woke up. She looked around, puzzled a little, but smiled when she saw that we were all there. "Hey there Jess." Mum whispered, Dad rummaged in a bag for something, and pulled out a teddy. "Look, what we brought you." "Thank you." She cried and hugged it. "I dropped my bunny at the road Daddy. Can we get it?" She asked, her eyes watery. Bunny was Jess's favourite stuffed toy, it went everywhere, I don't think we were going to see it again, it had been left at the accident scene. I looked at Mum, what could I tell Jessica about the toy? "We'll see about that later." Dad said and patted her head. "Are you going to go back to sleep for Daddy, Jess?" "When can I see Mummy, I want a story." I just looked at mum and dad, my eyes started to water, I put my hand to my mouth to muffle a sob, I walked out of the room, and let the tears run freely. I sat on the floor, this was going to be hard, could I handle it? A few days later Today was the day of the funeral, the final curtain I guess. I had managed to get through the past few days somehow, it's a mystery even to me how I made it. I had stayed that night at the hospital with Jessica, I think I was scared that I might lose her too, but she was allowed home the next day. Shane had called Derek to let him know what had happened, he took it really bad, worse than I thought, I think he must've liked her more than he let on to us. Everyone, mum and dad, Shane and Carrie, Mark and Michelle, Nat and Ki, and Nicky and G had offered to take the kids. It annoyed me, I know they were trying to help, but did they not thnk I was capable of looking after my own children? However, I let the others deal with the funeral, I couldn't handle that, I wouldn't know where to start, it's not the sort of thing you plan for when you've only been married for 4 years. I like dhaving the kids around, I tried explaining things, but they didn't truly understand. We moved back into the house. Things were as if she was still there. Her clothes were there, her CDs, videos, massive collection of stuffed animals, her scrapbook with westlife articles and interviews that she read while I was away, and showed to the kids when I was gone too. I got the kids ready, poor Jess still had all her bandages on, a painful reminder of what had happened. I can't really remember much of the service, my mind is working on overload. Questions flooding it every second. Why did this happen? Why her? What was going to happen in the future, with the band? With the kids? What would I tell them if they asked about this? A lot of people said "Don't take the children today, they're too young." But I wanted them there, to say goodbye, even if they never knew the score. Would they resent me later on, when they were older if I hadn't given them this chance? After the service, we went to the cemetery, again, most of this is a blur. I can still see it, remember it clearly, but still, not fully take it in. I can remember that some press showed up, even though we had asked for a private service. I think Nicky sorted them out for me. Who wants a picture of something like that anyway? We went back to Mum and Dad's after, and I excused myself early to take the children home, it had been a long day for them, and Jess wasn't really sleeping much because of her nightmares. Once they were in bed, I sat in the living room. I glanced at the hi fi, one of her CDs, her favourite one, 'Dr Hook' was lying there, I decided to listen to it. The song that came on, it was as if it read my mind, said what I was thinking. 'The Things I didn't Say'. I didn't say ' don't do it babe' When she packed up to go I didn't say 'comeback here honey And try with me once more' And when she asked me if I loved her I just turned away She's gone and now I'm hearing All the things I didn't say I didn't say 'I'm sorry babe Cause half the fault was mine' I didn't say 'we'll work it out, Cause all we need it love and faith and time' I said 'if that's the way you want it I won't stand in your way' She's gone and ow I'm hearing All the things I didn't say I didn't take her in my arms And kiss away her tears I didn't say 'my life don't mean a thing, If you ain't here' I thought of all the many games, I'd be free to play But all I do, is listen to All the things I didn't say I didn't say 'take off your coat, I'll make some coffee and we'll talk' I didn't say, 'the road away Is such a long and endless lonely walk' I said 'goodbye good luck and god bless you,' Then she slipped away To leave me hear to listen to All the things I didn't say And now I guess she'll never hear All the things I didn't say I sat and wept. The song was true, and I wished so much that I could've told her that I missed her, that I wanted her back more than anything, but now I couldn't. I fell into a dream filled sleep on the couch, not wanting to wake, but I knew I had to. Life goes on, I thought to myself, but it would never be the same. |