bedroom a distant prospect lord berners bathroom big fish daniel wallace car/walk waltzing the cat pam houston
office resigned .|. free-for-all michael penn car you've come a long way, baby fatboy slim .|. trainspotting soundtrack living room apple venus volume 1 xtc
brand x the message came from out of the blue: Brand X welcomes you into its clutches.
1999 april 07
shy
i am horribly, painfully, terribly shy.
as a child, it didn't manifest itself right away, or rather it manifested itself in the form of a stubborn independence: i wanted to be alone; my favorite phrase was "put me down." later, when i was about six, it became clear the reason i wanted to be alone was an absolute terror of other people, of them talking to me, touching me, looking at me. i hated going into stores by myself, because it meant i would have to interact with the checkout clerk. although i loved school, and would eventually warm up to my classmates, the first few weeks of any term were enough to upset my stomach and wish a dread disease upon myself, so i could stay home, safe in my bedroom.
few of the people i work with now would believe me. i have a reputation in the office for being outspoken, and for being funny and clever with words. when i attend meetings i have a lot of input and always make sure my opinions are taken into consideration. not a one of the persons in the room with me at these meetings knows how fast my heart is beating or the mental dialogue taking place in my 90 mile an hour brain. "it's okay, just say it and then you can be quiet, no one is looking at you, no one is laughing, just keep your eyes focused on the veep, don't look down at the paper, speak more slowly, take a deep breath but don't gasp, resist the urge to cry..."
at a previous job, i had one of my employees tell me, "you're the most self confident, self-assured person i've ever met." i tried not to laugh, thanked her, and silently wished she would send word along to the academy of motion picture arts and sciences as i wanted one of those little gold oscar statuettes for my mantle. then i went home and did the dance of successive joys because the gas stations had installed those card readers at the pump and i'd never have to talk to an attendant again.
so why do i write here, in public, every weekday? dunno.
gene told me last night that all the entries with pictures centered rather than aligned left or right were unreadable in netscape; the pictures were on top of the text, concealing the words. i have gone back and fixed the entries for april 4 and 6, but i haven't been able to make the list on april 4 look decent. at least it is legible, if not beautiful. i will certainly be happy if the day ever comes when most browsers display things the same way.
blushing, claire
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