1999 january 11

the doctor is in the house

so, i lied.

actually, i didn't lie, i just broke my resolutions, and not even those of the new year, just those of november 13th. that's right, i cut. and i colored. but i had a really good excuse. the red was growing out rather quickly and, with the ends being bleached out from a summer of sun, i was looking rather like a three color flag. except, of course, there are no earthtone flags that i know of. and as long as i was coloring, i reckoned i might as well cut off all the ratty ends. this resulted in about a three inch trim. okay, more like five. in fact, it wasn't a trim, i cut the damn stuff. just hacked it off.

in any event, i decided to dye it something close to my natural colour, sans the grey, so that the growing out would no longer result in tritone hair. the color on the box matched the top of my head perfectly. you will notice, however, that the result was somewhat darker. i feel like i should pull out all my sisters of mercy and peter murphy cds.

**

doctor d was in town for an interview this weekend.

i haven't seen him in over a year and while it was wonderful to spend a little time with him, theodore's death still hangs between us. it is the big unspoken. whenever teddy's name came up, we would both stop for a second, break eye contact, blush and then hurriedly jump to another, safer subject. the hurt, even after a year, is so raw and so big and we two seem to carry it with us more than the rest of our circle.

the doctor and i have our own strange relationship. he once told me, "you, only really skinny, would be totally awesome, the perfect woman. but we should have sex anyhow." i declined, and not only because i was married to his best friend at the time. and not only because said exhusband/best friend was in the next room; i knew where he had been and i wanted no part of it. i love the boy but in a purely platonic way, much to his dismay. he fancies himself irresistable.

for the most part he is. he is also an energy vampire. spending more than a few hours with d leaves me limp and soggy and it takes days for me to recover. i can't figure out how he does it, i am fine, perky even, when we meet and then suddenly, i am drained. under the best of circumstances i have to be at the top of my game when he is around, but now, with the spectre of theodore in the room with us, i can only handle small doses.

it is enough to make me cry; almost as if i have not only lost my best friend, but also his brother.

dark haired and dark of heart, claire