1999 january 8

momentos - male

my grandfather was a military man.

he liked order in his life, unflinching obedience and adoration from his troops. this frequently put us at odds, what with my habitual messiness and my fickleness towards almost all people. i did usually manage to obey; one out of three ain't good, but it's not entirely bad. as a child, i didn't understand why he seemed to be colder towards me than he was to my siblings. as an adult, i came to the conclusion it was because of my grandmother's love for me. i was her first grandchild, born of her first child, and as such held a special place in her heart. she tried not to show it, tried to treat each and every grandchild equally, but in the end, everyone knew.

i don't think he liked giving up his spot as most loved, and i don't think he was able to realize the love she held for me was entirely separate and different than the love she held for him. she adored him, thought the sun rose and set and was in fact created in his eyes. for her sake, and for my father's, i tried.

the only thing we ever bonded over were his tools. i have always been fascinated with hammers and saws and files and drills. when he retired, he built himself a fabulous workbench in the garage and he had the most wonderful tools. i, of course, was not allowed to touch them, but i could sit on the washing machine, a safe distance away, and watch him work. the smell of sawdust mixed with the smell of fabric softener, these are the scents of my childhood visits.

he started by making bigger things -- shelves and cabinets and tables -- but gradually began to scale down his creations. i have two sets of christmas ornaments he cut out of tagboard and then painted: angels, or perhaps more properly cherubs, and southwest native americans. i always hang at least one from each set on the tree, no matter the year's theme. i also have some pieces of dollhouse furniture he made from kits, bought so he could reverse engineer them and create his own designs.

with this latest, and last, box of things from my grandparents i received some of those pieces he designed himself. i have a dollhouse but i think i will keep these pieces on the mantle instead, along with other works of art i have collected. for they are indeed art. i also received one of the first projects he ever completed, the little dock scene. i have no idea where the inspiration for this came. he never lived near water, never had a boat.

i never knew him well enough to ask and he never told. i'm grateful to have these things of his, the physical momentos that stand in for the stories he never told.

still surrounded by stories, claire