1998 november 18

job

i am still not sleeping. the irritation factor at the office is reaching an alltime high. this morning, a stupid bitch still dressed in her workout uniform almost ran me over with her mercedes convertible as she flew out of a parking garage with nary a glance to the left or right.

yet another day i should have spent in bed, hiding from the world.

i used to view myself as some sort of modern day job, or jobette as the case may be. if something of a horrid nature were to befall someone in my social circle, it would be me. natural disasters, personal relationship disasters, money disasters, appliance disasters, pet disasters. i was queen of them all, and truth be told, after a while i began to revel in it. i decided it was my lot in life, that i functioned as the magnet for bad and as long as i was miserable, all my friends would be spared and would live happy lives.

there was a lot of evidence for this. the 90's have been very good to my friends. they have married, bought beautiful houses, had gorgeous perfectly formed children, have had financial windfalls, lucrative jobs and pets who behave. with two exceptions, not a major illness, major disappointment, major setback amongst the lot of them. they did have some small problems but invariably these occurred within days, if not hours, of something good happening to me. i'd find $20, jerry and joy would bounce three checks. i'd have a success at the office, theodore's truck would break down.

as to those aforementioned exceptions, prior to this year i had but two brief periods of bliss in the 90's. during one, doctor d divorced; during the other, theodore died.

suddenly i wasn't so keen on personal happiness.

after days, weeks, months of grieving and beating myself up over teddy's death, i finally came to the realization that i was completely delusional. my happiness was not a detriment to my friends, and my unhappiness could not possibly have saved theodore's life. everybody join me in a big chorus of "duh."

so what does this have to do with the stupid bitch who almost ran me over when i was already tired and stressed? after coming to the realization that i was delusional, i managed to find ways to use both my new found sense of reality and my former mental aberration to my advantage. i am no longer afraid to be happy, but when i am unhappy, i think to myself, well, at least your friends have got it good right now.

alan and kay's new house closed without a hitch about 15 minutes ago. see? i told you...

delusional no more, or at least not today, claire