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01/04/03 Next : 03/04/03
02/04/03
Ok I'm like so bored
now... guess how bored I was? I read other pple's Open diary... my
classmates.. then feel like leaving comments but then find it quit weird to
leave comment.. like suddenly appear out of nowhere... funny gal.. I'm
watching 'I guess I guess I guess guess guess...' hm... how come I don't find
it very funny today? I'm one bored gal... Gee... find this gal on TV childish
and stupid! Never had a Bf.. erm... sec2.. and insist that if she ever has a
bf the guy must pay for her so that she'll feel respected.. hm.. more like
bought over?gosh and she sings like a pig! yucks... whats happened to Taiwan
gals? hm.. Thankfully.. I'm not like that! hehehe.. gee... she is like so
ugly! Fat... PURE UGLY!!!!!!!!!!
ok divert attention
from the TV...
so sad that Leslie
Cheung jumped off the building.. another talent gone to waste...sigh.. killed
himself coz of Love problems... 46 years old... and apparently he's the
passive side... so well.. all gals are vulnerable to love...
AH my brother
just took his shaver and nearly shave my hair off... IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!
anyway as I was
saying... hm... ya thats bout it...
troubled... how come
I don't feel much for him now? how come I don't miss him as much now? how come
I don't miss his voice? how come I don't miss his hugs? how come I still feel
like crying? the webcam
cannot be used for today coz not installed... plus my brother is usually
around so I can't talk to him freely... not that I mind his presence.. but its
just weird huh? same for him when he's talking to his gf... and we're like
fighting over the computer... it'll be stupid if he build another one coz
it'll only be used for chatting and emailing and othe stupid stuff..calling
him is so expensive... messaging him is also so expensive... very lazy to
spend the money to buy world cards to call him.. if only I'm earning some
money then I won't feel so restricted.. maybe coz these few days I've been
busy with my Webpage then ... - I'm bad at multi-tasking.. I haven't had time
to think of him.. then feel quite guilty about it... but then I'm like saying
it and not doing anything bout it... lazy me.. but I do message him! hahaha..
excuses... anyway I miss him...
do I sound
desperate here? yes I remember I'm attached... but I wonder what its like to
have a bf who's chinese.. and nice... hehehe.. will get to meet more when I go
UNI? hm... yeah one motivation to go UNI! (Talking bout UNI... I haven't
applied for SMU !!!) Paul I'm sorry eh... been fantasizing a lot these days...
*hint hint* You better come back once the SARS is under control !!!
Hm... also realised
that most of my classmates have applied for arts and social science... hm.. so
most prob we'll all end up in the same faculty! hehhe.. does that sound great?
heheh.. happy! but then in UNI I'll probably meet more old friends.. coz very
little UNI in Singapore... hehehe... like primary a lot.. then secondary meet
some old friends.. then JC meet more coz only 15 JCs... then UNI will meet
more and more! so no... its not coz the world is so small... its coz there's
limited space.. hm... excluding those that went overeas...
hm... stupid SSDC
website is under maintenance then I cannot book practical lesson for
revision... ah... Traffic police test is like 21 days away... need more
practice! =I
I AM PUKING...PUKING
BADLY... AH!!! MY BROTHER REFUSE TO CHANGE CHANNEL !
shit.. I have to get
off the computer... been on this for way too long..
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Nel - 01:28
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Acted like a bitch
again... cun believe this.. I actually quarreled with Paul again! ok not
really quarreled but I simply kicked off again... haven't I been waiting
online for the few hours just for him to appear online? and when he does I had
to go off.. maybe thats what got on my nerves.. I need his physical presence
!!! Those "remember what I've told you and everything will be fine"
crap dies off after a while...NO.. not a while.. it has been 2 months plus
already.. UNFAIR! nothing is fine here... I don't feel like I'm in a
relationship... feel like I'm the only one trying to maintain the
relationship... its so one-sided.. so tiring.. ok maybe not so
one-sided...think I have nothing better to do .. too bored.. too 'wu liao'
purposely pick up a fight... maybe coz I want him to feel something! to
have other emotions other than... well.. I dunno... am I crazy? I actually
want him to be irritated with me at times.. make the relationship more real?
we're like living in two worlds... he's so distant.. so far away... he's part
of my life.. yet not in it... I rem my close friend telling me that the period
after 'A' levels is the best time for couples.. coz they get to be together
all the time.. nice huh? but not everything's perfect... I have the time.. but
I don't have my other half.. am beginning to get immune to missing him.. and
thats bad... not a very good sign... I must be more practical... eg : start
hunting for guys... ok crap... has anybody mentioned Fear of being hurt? oh
yes yes lame excuse.. I'm just being overly protective over myself... its the
self mechanism thats working here... pulling out when you're going to get
hurt...
love means throwing
yourself into the relationship.. putting your whole heart into it.. but I'm
sorry to say... its not like that in reality.. logically.. its not true.. ok
some might say... if you don't put your whole heart into it.. then you've
never loved? but then think again... if you do.. then what happens to the pple
around you? what happens to those pple who love you? what happens to your
family and friends? and what happens to your life?
my friend told me
that its ok for her to become a hermit with her bf.. but thats lame.. hm.. or
should I say.. not practical.. and irresponsible.. this kinda things only
happen in comics.. movies.. she's in love.. too much in love.. I've seen her
change.. seen her compromised so much she's lost her dignity.. feel the pain
for her.. but I'm helpless.. I can't do a single thing to help her.. so I'm
seriously hoping she's happy now.. hope that guy cherish her.. and no matter
what I will always be there for her.. just pray that she won't (quote from a
friend) "jump off the bridge" too many times..
I suppose this is the
best time to fall totally in love with a guy... and die with peace coz you
know you've seriously loved once.. when do you know the person you love is the
one? you never know until you get there.. so you just keep trying.. keep
getting hurt.. keep searching for that one.. keep being looked for..
I used to think like
that... I've loved with all my heart.. I've got nothing to regret.. a part of
me has accomplished that..
I have other
considerations to care for... family.. friends...studies.. ... have to
moderate... find a balance or I'm so going exhaust myself... thought I found
that balance.. but then.. sigh.. keep trying Nel.. don't ever regret the
things that you do.. I live by that.. and I haven't actually regretted making
and doing the major decisions in my life...
I've been hurt once..
hm.. sounds lame huh? but I don't see why I should put myself into that
position where I'm COMPLETELY vulnerable.. must be cautious.. cannot let
either side take control.. or there'll be two possible outcomes...one... I'll
lose a lover... two.. I'll lose myself.. either one? neh... neither...
My definition of true
love? opposite of making yourself vulnerable.. its finding a soulmate..
someone who knows what you're thinking bout even without you speaking out
loud.. who can read your mind just by reading your eyes...understands you
completely without even realising that him/herself.. all natural.. it makes
you strong... at the same time.. you can hold onto your own principles.. its
not bout total compromise.. its understanding.. trust...and acceptance...hm..
sounds very idealistic and perfect? well.. best friends are like that aren't
they? so its not possible having a love relationship with the opposite sex
with those qualities in mind.. maybe if I started out differently with Paul..
we'd be better.. but we did start as friends.. just not close enough.. trust
and understanding...no problem.. acceptance... MAJOR...we both can't seem to
accept each other's culture.. culture clash... both very stubborn pple... so
there goes... problems.. pop pop pop...
Times like that.. I
want to give up... what am I holding onto? memories? pple with heartbreaks
makes that mistake... am I holding on coz I still love him? part of everything
I think.. just like.. why do I like him in the first place.. either there's no
reason.. or too many reasons.. I'm confused.. he's confused.. just wished he's
here to make things alright..
The ring rusted..
changed its outlook.. has our love changed as well? I'm always the one having
the fluctuations... how come he can love me so constantly? how come he never
questions his love for me? I'm impressed...honoured.. but I don't understand
why.. perhaps guys ARE simple creatures...gals think too much...
Ah.. its so simple..
just love him... thats all =) faith...
I really hope this is
PMS...boredom and bitchy nellie that pop up once in a while...
I feel like Mr
Henchard... his pattern of relationships with pple that lead to his downfall..
as for me... first
stage.. strong feelings
second stage... miss
him
third stage... busy
fourth stage... act
like a bitch
fifth stage... no
more feelings
sixth stage...
feelings come back...
seventh stage... cry
eighth stage... back
to stage one...
sigh.. snap out of
this soon gal... I'm driving myself crazy..
anyway... I'm
starting to peel.. from the sunburn.. peeling very very very badly.. which
means all my tanning has gone to waste!!!!!!!! argh... heck.. will do it again
and again.. hopefully I don't get skin cancer at the end of the day.. hm.. oh
yeah one more thing to be happy bout.. I watched "someone like you"
on VCD yesterdae! heehe.. my very handsome actor.. JACK HUGHMAN !!!! ah am so
enchanted by his looks.. hehehe. I still like him better in "Kate and
Leopold" the perfect gentleman.. guys.. rem to stand up when a lady
leaves the table!!!! wahahaaha.. and if you have any interest in a gal.. rem
to write in very ancient handwriting and send a letter to her to inform her of
your intentions.. wahahaha.. am I going crazy?
my aircon is being
fixed now.. air con not cold..hehehe.. the guy just told me lots of stuff
which I din really understand.. but erm.. agreed anyway.. hehhe.. ok I do
understand la.. after he explained to me..
hm.. surprising day..
a old friend actually messaged me on Icq.. haven't talked to him for the past
few months.. so yup.. its a surprise.. I don't want to sound like a
hypocrite.. but I rem when he was experiencing the downturn of his life.. he
wanted to contact no one.. so I left him alone.. quite surprised that he
initiated the chat.. so long already.. dunno what to talk to him about.. so am
here typing loads of crap... he sounds better now... happier.. so am glad for
him..
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quite sad... he was
one of my favourite actor.. read the newspaper today and the whole thing bout
his death hit me.. sigh.. you don't actually pay attention to someone until
that person is gone.. flaw in every human being..
ok on a happy note..
there's smallville tonight.. Clark with his best friend.. not a very nice
combination.. plus bachelor.. see how the gals fight for him.. though I know that
in the end they still break up.. but well... its entertainment.. plus that
guy.. - aaron is quite cute.. has nice teeth..
have a nice day to
all..
GOOD LUCK TO YOUR
TEST KENNETH ! faster pass your driving then can drive me around! hahahha...
=)
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Nel - 12:31
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�@I am so so in LOVE
with Jack Hughman and Ewan Mcgregor!!!!!
wahaaha... just
watched Moulin Rouge... very sad show.. but sweet nonetheless.. hehehe..
decided to surf for their pictures.. and guess what? I have been busy clicking
the "save' button for the past half an hour! ehehe.. going to post all
their pictures up! and to credit the pple who has these pictures... I've put
them in my website... so yes.. you can go click click on their website...
hehehe.. very happy now..
=)
Nel - 16:45
Absolutely cute!
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