Sometimes, when I lie in bed at night and look up at the stars, I think to
myself, "Man! I really need to fix that roof."
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so
bummed out that
I'd just quit my job
and become
a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess
that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there,
rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
Once
when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger.
He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I
said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to
catch, you know." He stared telling his story, about the treasure and his
life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he
kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting
long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know,
that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about,
but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though
Instead
of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some
rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.
As
we were driving, we saw a sign that said, "Watch for Rocks." Marta
said it should read, "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should
write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was
a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!
Child rearing tips and
observations...
One
thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little
nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse.
"Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and
cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I
started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
Children
need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky
guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
If
a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God
is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell
him is "Probably because of something you did."
One
thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden
stake.
The
face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our
children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several
of us died of tuberculosis.
I
remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming.
"You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't
I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team.
You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is
a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and
make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate
times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is
brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw
talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
When I was a kid my favorite
relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every
once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out
that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day
long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was
almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over
it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where
this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a
clown killed my dad.
The
memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember
we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive.
I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell
of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I
remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or
not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't
be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in
town.
Do not Pass Go. Do not Collect One Million Dollars.
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat
there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking
and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
Maybe
in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself:
"Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words -
"mank" and "ind". What do these words mean?
It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
Ambition
is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it
won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some
other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was
very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN
HEAD!!
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted
brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look
like a deer.
I guess I kinda lost control, because in the
middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I
didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human
emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill
someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as
when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.
Is there anything more beautiful than a
beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset?
And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a
very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a
mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile
away and you have their shoes.
If you go to a costume party at your boss's
house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's
wife? Trust me, it's not.
Instead
of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just call them 'impressions',
and if you got a different 'impression' so what, can't we all be brothers?
If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of
carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some
smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a
soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing,
I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron
of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they
had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up
for a free drink.
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call
the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you
say. "That's dynamite, baby!"
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven,
choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that
will really throw you into a panic.
If you're robbing a bank and
you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh
too, because, come on, life is funny.
I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby
duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until
you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden,
you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really
take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
If
I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty,
just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act
surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm
myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the
person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A
jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says
"You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your
friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help,
then go about ten feet and pretend that you got bit by a snake. Then start an
argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start
crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.
I bet a fun thing would be
to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the
cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from
the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to
kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon
and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
If
you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of
those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and
while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about
twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start
digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say,
"Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is
gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh?
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is
to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it
wouldn't seem quite so funny.
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead.
No, wait, not me, you.
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something
like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or
"Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!
Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called
the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and
tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to
me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket
Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after
about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later
we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye,
Cricket Boy.
I bet when the Neanderthal kids would make a
snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy
brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they
had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
Or, if you want to be a smart ass, go back to the front page.