I realized at a young age that I had quite a talent for mocking...er...giving people advice.  Thus, I have decided to make my talent available to help all your poor souls out there in need of assistance.  Just remember, when you need someone to help you make a good decision, talk to someone else.  If you want someone to laugh at you, this is the place to go. 

Advice is given on ANY subject. we will ALWAYS answer your stupid questions.  We promise.  We love you all.  Except  if you live in Alabama.  We HATE you if you live in Alabama.  If you live in Alabama, don't even visit this site. 

submit your requests for advice here!

[email protected]

     I have found that over the years, more and more  people have mistaken me for a homosexual.  I find that awful, as I am a member of the Church of Jesus Hates Gays. Nothing gives me more pleasure than slapping a gay guy and telling him "No! Naughty boy! Don't be gay! You are a baaaaaaaaaad boy!".  Thus, i'm more than disturbed at being called gay by my family and friends.  Even my roommate now refuses to bond and share the bed with me on scary stormy nights.  I always tell them that i'm not gay- in fact, I often end every sentence with the words "I am not gay"- but people seem to think I have something to hide. What is it about me? is it that i've never had a girl touch me? That I find a certain exhilaration in watching two guys try to finish each other off in a professional wrestling match? Well, I need to know how I can prove my heterosexuality. I've already tried telling girls that I think they're hot, it doesn't seem to change the situation.  Please help! I am not gay.

-J. who is not gay

 Dear J.-

     i'm afraid I can't offer you any advice on the situation. some people are just gay.  Gay like a fox.  You were born that way. you can't help it! Stop denying your love for men. Obviously these constant testimonies of your heterosexuality show that you are exactly the OPPOSITE of what you claim to be.  And you hate gays because you hate yourself.  Man, you sure are screwed up.  Listen, go to www.justjack.com .  He might be able to hook you up with a date of some sort so you can accept your sexuality rather than being scared of it.  There's nothing wrong with being gay. you just have to let it happen and don't believe you're the spawn of satan just because you're gay.  *I* am the spawn of satan.  Stop stealing my title.

Dear Chris and Lisa

     Sometimes I cannot find my feet.  I know they should be there at the end of my legs, but when I look down, they aren't there.  This makes it very difficult to put on my shoes, in fact I have stopped wearing shoes, or socks, or even pants because I can't figure out where my feet are so I can put them in the legs of my pants.  So here I am laying in bed, wearing a dress I slipped over my head (because I at least know where my head is), and I'm wondering what I should do.  Do you think my feet are cheating on me?  Have they left me for another body?  Should I find some new feet?  Please help me because I haven't been out of bed in months, I can't walk anywhere without feet.

Feetless in North Dakota

Dear feetless,

     Well I know the cause of your problem and I can say it in one word. plain and simple.  Crack.  Yeah that's right, your addiction to drugs has caused your feet to disappear.  Think about it. you're obviously using drugs to get around (and I say that is obvious because i've read very far in between the lines in your above email), and your newfound love of such drugs caused your feet to hightail it out of there. You made them feel unappreciated and unloved, you crack whore you.  I don't know where they went, maybe they went for an owner of the circus who maybe knows how to treat extra feet and make them feel needed.  Should you find new feet? ehh, I wouldn't.  You don't really need feet, because people high on crack can always fly, can't they? They always say they can.  Try it, see if it works.  Also, dresses are SO in this season.  Make this  loss of feet thing an opportunity to get a cool wardrobe.  And anyways, you don't want a to go foot shopping because new feet tend to be unfaithful and you obviously don't know how to treat a good pair when you see them, so until you understand how to care for feet, just forget about them. Now if you have your heart set on not being a freak for the rest of your life, you could write an ode to pedestrian activities and try to win back your feet, crawling down on your hands and knees, if you still have knees? And then, quit doing drugs. I think the feet will return after that.  If they don't, it's their lost, the cheating bastards.

Dear You,

     I have a big problem. I have two heads. Everyone has told me you can bearly notice the annoying second head and that I look great anyway, but I know they are just saying that. I feel like some screwed up siamese twin or something.Help me get over my problems!

Two Heads is Worse Than One

Dear Two Heads is Worse Than One,

     Okay, I can help you out here. What you should do about the annoying second head is, you know, keep it. The advantages of having a second head are numerous:
a) You can be a circus sideshow
b) You can make out with yourself
c) I think it's funny
     Now that we've established that you will keep the second head, I have one more piece of advice. Cut off the first head. That head is clearly pretty fucking stupid. What kind of head would call its fellow head "annoying" and ask for advice on how to deal with it, referring to it as "big problem," especially when reasons for leaving it be are as obvious as the three mentioned above? And it's "barely," not "bearly." So, here's the plan. Go with *just* the second head. Here's why:
a) You are ugly.
b) You are stupid.
c) Having two heads is just creepy.
     I would personally recommend a you contact a professional for removal of your head. However, you may alternatively opt for a bottle of whiskey, a hacksaw, and a video camera. This second option would be much cheaper, and could yield large financial gains (do leave the financial matters alone though, the second head should deal with that). Once the operation is completed, be sure to dispose of the detached head. THIS IS IMPORTANT. Do not, I repeat, do *not* leave it laying where it fell, in a pool of blood. Be sure to keep it out of the reach of children at all times, because it could lead to life-long psychological problems, or, an amusing soccer game, which in turn could lead to bruised shins.:( A few suggestions on the keeping/disposal of the head:
a) Mount it to the top of a flag pole
b) Feed it to the dog
c) Remove the eyes, pack them in ice in case they are ever needed in the future, then dissolve the rest of     the head in acid, or, use the eye sockets as holes for your fingers, and the head could be a pretty cool     bowling ball.
     As I have spoken, so let it be done.

     I need it. I want it. I can't get enough of it. All day long it's all I think about. All night long it's all I dream about. I can't get it out of my mind. I feel guilty for thinking about it so much. And then I get mad at myself for feeling guilty about something that's so enjoyable, that's as natural as breathing, that everyone was MEANT to do.
     I can barely remember what it was like before: before I'd heard about it, before I saw others doing it, before I'd tried it for myself.
     If I could turn back time, would I change things? No, it's far too enjoyable to give up.
    What advice can you give me?

Inger

Dear Inger,

     Although I wouldn't say it's as natural as breathing, having sex with dead animals isn't something to be so concerned about as you clearly are. They're dead afterall, what do they care? And if Elise does something, you know it's okay. This is not to say we here at the advice page condone sex with dead animals, as we in fact frown upon the deed under certain circumstances. In order to make sure for clean, healthy dead animal sex, just be sure to follow the set of guidelines outlined below, and you will have nothing to worry about.  
1) Do not kill the animals yourself.
2) The optimal type of dead animal is, of course, road kill, providing:
    a) The animal is not a human. This is generally seen as a crime by law enforcers everywhere.
    b) You did not hit the animal yourself
3) There have been quite a few questions lately about the animal "date rape" method. As you probably know, this involves shooting an animal with a tranquilizer gun and then climbing on. At this point,  scientists haven't seen any signs of permanent damage on the victimized animals, so it's technically  okay; however, we wouldn't recommend it.
4) We're kidding. You sick, sick, *sick* freak. Sex with dead animals?? What is the matter with you?     Check yourself into a mental institution as soon as possible. Ewwww I can't believe you do that. I     expected better from you, Inger.

PS - Kudos on spelling barely correctly. I would have thought you would be the one to spell it the other way.

     Yeah, I was friends with this really great girl and now she hates me because I did something dumb. Is there anything I can do so that she'll forgive me?

Josh

Dear Josh,

     Hmm, your question is a little difficult for me to answer, me not knowing what you did to the girl and everything.  But I noticed you didn't even write a "dear" at the beginning of your letter.  So obviously you're not such a nice guy, are you. What kind of rude jerk doesn't write "dear" at the beginning of a letter???  Who the hell do you think you are??  What, you think you're some kind of punk who's too good for an intro to a letter? Geez, man, throw me a frickin' bone here, show me some respect.  That poor girl you were friends with probably got tired of not being given the proper amount of respect, too.  If you haven't apologized, maybe that would be a good idea. on your hands and knees, too. and then uhh.... you could like, explain exactly what happened and tell the truth.  And then... then just let it go, and be thankful she didn't like, spread around all the stupid stuff you said to her. Er.... if you said stupid stuff.  Which you probably did because you're a guy, and you're not Chris.  Anyway, there are reasons why the girl may not like you.  Girls are not like boys, in that they don't watch wrestling, and they don't like to talk about how hot you find other girls, and they don't like sports. Think about that. Are there other things you can say? maybe you aren't cut out to be friends with a girl.   Or maybe I'm assuming too much.  Try apologizing and admitting you were wrong and explaining stuff to her to try to get her to see why you did what you did. see if it works.  If not, then just let it go.  

Dear Chris and Lisa, 

     It all started about 1 1/2 months ago. My roomate decided to move out and took her computer with her. So far I've been unsuccessful at persuading my father to buy me a new one, and being as how I'm a scum of the earth, poor college student, I haven't been able to buy one yet. Especially on my minimum wage, high-school-ish Arcade job. Ever since I lost the computer I've been forced to live out in the "real world" and make "real" friends. Did you know people actually expect you to talk to them even when typing works just as well? The adjustment hasn't gone so well. Everytime I see something funny I have the urge to say LOL. But when I do that I get these strange looks. Now not even my real life friends like me, cause they think I'm a computer nerd. 
     I also have to admit something else. In order to curd my computer addiction, I've been breaking into random people's houses and using their computers while they aren't home. I've only been caught once, but I feel so bad cause, well, someone told me it was wrong. I also contemplated stealing a school computer...but then, they're so crappy, it'd probably break. I need help. How can I get a computer or break this computer addiction. Are there any rehabs out there for people going through their addiction withdrawls? I feel like the feet-less crack whore. Pretty soon I will havee to start selling myself (blood that is) to get the money. 

God in Kentucky 

Dear God,

     Did you know that in Kentucky, over 50% of people who get married for their first time are teenagers? And that's all the advice we can offer you for your problem, we're sorry.
But hey, we hear you're in love or something, with someone you repeatedly used to reject in high school.. or something? Give us all the gossip on that!
     Oh, oh! And are you moving to Dale City, VA? Because that might help with your problem, or something. You could visit us and we wouldn't mock you for saying "LOL" when something funny happened. And if we did mock you for saying "LOL" when something funny happened, it doesn't mean we think any less of you. And if we do think less of you, which we probably will, don't worry about it, because we'll still be your friends. But if we stop being friends with you, ridicule you, and make you feel terrible, don't worry about it and don't feel terrible, because who cares about us, anyway? But if you do care about us, and you'd better, cuz you know, God should care about all his children, then you'll make sacrifices and offer us gifts to keep in our good graces. But if you do that and fall from our good graces anyway, then you know what, you just plain suck.
     But keep the gifts coming.

Dear whatever you're calling yourself these days: 

     I'm afraid for my right foot, Lefty, I'm afraid that he (yes, he *is* a he) is going to kill my left foot, Nelson. You see, Lefty's been going after Nelson for a long time now, he's been stalking the poor foot, I know they've never really been able to agree on anything, but this time, I think Lefty's gone crazy. Which is why I'm asking for your help. What should I do? Please help! 

Screwed 

Dear Screwed,

     You do have a problem, it's true. I think we can trace the problem back to when you first named your feet. What were you thinking? I mean, I don't know about you, but I certainly don't name my feet! Okay, I do know about you, and you do name your feet. And that's just weird. Really weird. Heheheh. You're weeeird. Heheheheheh.
     Ahem. Perhaps you could legally have Lefty's name changed and that would calm him down a little. I don't really blame him for his compulsive violent urges against the actual left foot. He feels that you don't want him. He feels that you wanted two left feet. I'm sure you didn't, but you have to let *him* know that.
     Or you could go with the whiskey, hacksaw, and video camera method outlined in our response to our once two-headed writer. After you cut Lefty off, douse him in gasoline, burn him, drive 1500 miles north, throw him in the nearest lake, and get the hell out of there.

Dear Chris and Lisa, 

     You know, every day, as I sit in class and stare blankly at the teacher with my jaw hanging slack and drool dripping serenely onto my desk, I start to think about my life. And then I begin to wonder, "Why, God, why?? Why must it be this way???" And then sometimes I begin to shout that. And people look at me funny. And then, sometimes, I pretend to pass out and start jerking my limbs around frenetically and making little yelping noises, just to freak them out a little. Once in a while I'll shriek "No Daddy, stop!! Please don't do that!"
     But that's beside the point. My problem is, I don't have any friends. Can you help me?

     I actually can help you. I see your problem- you seem to lack a certain personality. Everyone wants to be cool in class, and you need that certain pizzazz to get there. I see potential for you to be the "cool weird kid". You're almost there, except your act looks a little fake. This is what you need to do to be the lovable lunatic of the classroom:

a)  Carry dead fish in your pocket- it's a cool way to start a conversation. As soon as anyone asks "what's that smell???" you'll be prepared to answer! And you don't even need words, you can just pull it right out of your pocket and flash your audience a giant grin. Believe me, you'll be the center of the attention.

b) Wear an eyepatch, and a bandana. Get a realistic tattoo of a scar across your forehead, and call everyone "matey". Everyone wants to be friends with a pirate, i'm so serious. When people ask where you got your scar, tell them you got it battling a shark.. When they tell you that you live in Oklahoma and have never even seen an ocean, tell them the island of Oklahoma has seen "many a shark" in its day, but thanks to you, the school is safe. Then whip out the dead fish in your pocket and offer them that as proof that your story is true. You'll be a hero.

c) Sometimes, kids are just assholes. And you have to accept that. sometimes kids don't appreciate your originality, and your new inventive ways of using lip gloss. sometimes, kids think its "disgusting" to put a special concoction of Vaseline and those little puddles of oil that form underneath drips from parked cars in your hair to give it a "shiny" look. Sometimes kids think that when you sing "We don't need no education" during a math test, you're "being annoying". Sometimes kids think that when you wear men's underwear over your shirt you "look like white trash". Sometimes kids say that when you want to come to school and repeat everything someone says in a singsong voice, to the tune of "My Country Tis Of Thee" you're "being stupid as always, like a little punk who doesn't deserve to live" and maybe you should "go check out the local mental institution and see if you fit in there". Well, these kids just lack the creativity we all should possess. And its not YOUR loss if kids call you "the idiot who makes shoes into hats", it's THEIR loss. I can't stand those kids, yeah, Sandra, I'm talking about you, you thought you were all cool with your pink lip gloss that you wore on your lips instead of in your hair, like a follower! "i'm sandra! I wear lip gloss on my lips, not my ears and hair!" You think you're so cool. YOU'RE ONLY A SHEEP SANDRA!!! baaa! baaa!!!

d) Wear a cape to school. I can explain this idea in one word. Superman. He was cool. He wore a cape.  Coincidence? I think not.

 Good luck making friends in school! But when following these suggestions, I assure you that you will need no luck at all.

Dear Chris and Lisa,

     I have been so traumatised since last week. See one day, I walked into my brothers room without knocking and I saw him there, and well, you can guess that he wasn't just sitting there staring into space. Now I have no real problem with .....that, but sadly I also managed to catch a glimpse of the uh...."material", he was using..you know. Imagine my shock when I realised it was not some random porn but a family photo containing myself, my parents, him and our dog.
Now I am so very worried that he is fantasizing about one member of our family and am especially worried that it could be himself. I have heard him chanting his own name before. What should I do?

Donna 

     Well Donna, masturbation is a perfectly normal thing for a teenage male to do. Its natural, I guess its healthy...hell, this is what Seventeen and Love Line always say, isn't it??? Personally, i'm grossed out. EWWWWWWWWWW...okay, now that I got that out, you know what I think? I think your brother isn't thinking about himself. You don't need to worry, I think the calling out his own name thing might be his own attempt to imitate the sex partner. Now, as for this sex partner he's fantasizing, I would say it could be you. But you don't need to worry, because it could be dog. But you might need to re-worry again because, for some variety, both you and the dog could be involved together. Now that I've narrowed it to these three possibilities, lets try to figure out which it is. because that will give you some more disgusting mental images, and you will feel sick, and I will laugh at you. Okay, first of all, do you ever hear him softly barking his name? Or just barking in general? if so, a dog MAY be involved. Or, he could be interested in hot sweaty, animal sex with his own sister. here's some other behavioral attitudes to consider. Are you at this time, missing any underwear (bra or panties)? Did you ever think to check his room? If its right next to the family portrait, be sure to wash it. twice. with extra strength detergent. Does your brother ever tease you? because teasing is a sign that a guy is really into you. If he's teasing you a lot, be careful. It wouldn't be good to be raped by your brother. Was your brother adopted? If so, is he from Alabama? Are YOU from Alabama? because all this talk about fantasizing about animals and siblings has drawn me to only that conclusion. So is that whole Ireland thing just a scam to post your incestuous problems to me, in hopes I will solve them? Did you read the introduction to this advice column? Didn't it TELL you that I didn't want people from Alabama visiting this site?? Obviously this is why, I don't deal well answering problems about incest. It's not what I do.  It's all coming together now; I see why you wrote, moaning, " what should i do???" ! I see why this was such a big deal! You were worried that you're Alabama brother had the hots for himself instead of you, didn't you?? You wanted me to assure you he wasn't thinking about himself? Nice try, Donna from "Ireland" but I don't think I play that way.  If you want help getting out of your incestuous rut, thank the Lord that your brother has stopped pining for you.  And then, try to pull yourself away from him.  And then, try and pull the two of you away from the dog.  And then, look at some pictures of Brad Pitt and watch Dana Carvey's standup.  And then, give me your brother's phone number.  I want to personally "help him out".  But seriously, Donna, I'm actually kinda proud of you.  Not only can you read, you can also write.  I didn't know "your type" could do one, let alone both.

Dear C & L,

    I'm being stalked. Sometimes she's behind me, sometimes she's on either side of me. Hell, sometimes she's in front of me but I still can't lose her! She anticipates my every move.  She's always there! Oh sure, sometimes it's hard to see her - especially at night, but even then, if the light is right, you can see her ... she's still there.      I've tried running from her - she runs just as fast I can. I've tried running zig-zag patterns, hiding behind things, etc ... she's just too smart for me.
    I yell at her, but she ignores it. I've begged & pleaded to know WHY, WHY?? does she do this? But she never answers - she's so cold that way.
    I've resorted to trying to physically harm her. I've stepped on her - she doesn't flinch. I've walked as close as I can to the street and she's been run over by cars and trucks, even semi's and buses, numerous times ... she must have magical powers, because she just keeps going (like an evil Energizer Bunny).
    I thought I was going crazy, like she wasn't really there at all - but I've asked friends, family - even strangers if they see her. And they say they do, but they give me strange looks.
    And then they ask me why I call IT "she" and "her." I told them it's because I don't know her name. They said it was Schadoe or something like that. I don't know if that's the correct spelling, as she won't tell me. And I don't know how they knew her name, unless she talks to them when I'm not paying attention - and I wouldn't put it past the bitch to do that. 
    They've suggested psychiatric treatment, but I really don't think I can convince my stalker that she needs it .. like I said, she ignores everything I tell her. When I suggested they tell her themselves, that maybe they can reason with her, they just murmured amongst themselves in a huddle, throwing looks our way.
    I'm contemplating taking this matter to court - first, to get a restraining order against her; and second, to see if I can obtain court-ordered psychiatric treatment for her. What do you think?

    Stalked by Schadoe

Dear Stalked,

Hehehh.  This is great, I know how to help you, hehehe!  okay this "Schadoe"? This is what you do. You hit her right on her toes. the very bottom of her feet.  just wack! as hard as you can. Don't be a wuss and be careful about hurting yourself by mistake, just do it....HA-HA... and believe me, she'll jump back in pain! but she'll probably still be there! but you'll have wounded her. Then you can try other funny stuff.  Err, I mean, stuff that would uhh, prevent Schadoe from trying something on you.  You could like, come over to my house, when i had a party, and like, stand on a stage. and then, scream and curse at "schadoe" and let everyone laugh.....er, i mean, let everyone see what a horror it is to be stalked, and expose Schadoe in all her evilness. Maybe that will keep Schadoe away forever! Maybe not.  Oh, so then, you COULD take things to court! But make sure I'm there when you try to get an attorney?  That'll be great to watch.  And if that doesn't work, you could like just like, embarrass yourself a whole lot, because maybe that will scare the stalker away! And then, say to Schadoe, "if you do not talk to me in ten minutes, I will assume you are an evil spirit who will follow me for all my life".  If they do not respond with in the allotted time, run quickly into a mental institution.   Schadoe won't know what happened, she'll follow you right in, and then you can explain to the men in white that you are stalked by the "shadoe" on the floor, and you AND your schadoe will be taken care of.

Dear Chris and Lisa

What the hell? you completely doctored my letter! All i wrote was "what should i wear to my date to the wine testing festival- casual, casual smart, or dressed?" you made me into a gay hating cult groupie, just because I acknowledged my heterosexuality??! Why did you do that? I am not a member of the church Jesus hates gays! I'm not even Christian!  I'm angry, I'll have you know.   

J. who is not gay (and who does not hate gays, either, you assholes)

er....hmm.  There's not much I can say about this, except, this isn't a question for advice at all! No, this is in fact, a complaint.  So actually, I can't realllllly give you advice.
Any...uuhhh, anyway, I don't even know what you're talking about.  Because i didn't doctor your letter! I swear, it wasn't me. It was the one-armed man. Look, there he goes!  You might want to catch him. I *hear* he can do a lot with that arm.

Over-spender goes Overboard

Dear Sagacious Saints from Someplace Special:

     I love my girlfriend and I take great pleasure in showering her with special thank you gifts, but she hates getting anything from me.  Oh, the twenty ecards a day was fine in the beginning, but then I started sending ones attached with Flooz and Beenz and Amazon.com gift certificates.
     I just want her to know I listen to her when she talks about the things she loves and that I want to give her everything her heart desires.  She said she liked sheep so I sent her the deed to a sheep ranch out in Montana.  She said she liked "mooning" people so I bought the moon figuring she could moon entire hemispheres at once.  She loves the band Bloodhound Gang... well, actually she didn't complain much about it when I sent them to her to play for her birthday, though I didn't hear frm her for a week and when I ask how they were she just says ":)".
     Is it normal for a girl to dislike gifts so much?  Does she hate the gifts or hate me?  I need to know because I just bought three diamond mines, a castle in Switzerland, and the city of Boston all for her pleasure, I need to know if you think she really does love me before I sent it all to her.
     Sincerely,

Buying Bounties For My Beauty

Dear Buying Bounties For My Beauty,

     Okay, at the end of your letter you asked if she hates the gifts or if she hates you.  Well, I hate to break it to you, friend, but.. she hates you.  Jussssst kidding, ha ha ha ha!  I bet I had you going there, didn't I?  That was hilarious.
     Ohhh, but anyway, about your question.  You know, I'm not sure why she doesn't like the gifts, but perhaps it's because she has never had a boyfriend that treats her like such a lady before, and she is just surprised by all the gifts you are giving her.  Or, conversely, perhaps it is becuase there is no surprise at all.  When she says she likes something, she knows you are going to get it for her.  What's the fun in that?  What she wants is a surprise.  Now, you need to take her whims figuratively instead of literally.  See, when she said she liked diamonds, which I assume she did because you bought her the three diamond mines, I think you interpreted it all wrong.
     There's a tree in Tanzania called the African Blackwood.  Now, tribal members there decorate that tree with diamonds, as it is a rare and endangered tree.  So when she said she wanted diamonds, what she actually wanted was, obviously, the exotic African Blackwood tree.  Easy, right?  Well, if it seems hard now, don't worry about it, you'll get the hang of it in no time. Oh, oh, remember how it was so funny at the beginning? Remember?? Heheheehehe! I said she hated you, but then I said not really!! Remember??

Crazed Killer Cans Confessing

Ok, so I accidentally ran over the neighbor's pet. It was really an accident; but, unfortunately, I never liked it and they know that.

It just happened last night, and I hid it in the bushes where they won't find it right away. So far they haven't really started looking for it yet, but I know they will soon.

I'm thinking of just leaving it on their doorstep, since I can't bring myself to confess to them what happened. What should I do?

Can't Confess

Dear Can't Confess,

Some people treat their pets as if they were their children, so obviously it is imperitive that you handle this matter with the utmost sensitivity.  Thus, you'll have to remove all traces of your sexual encounter with he corpse.  Don't pretend to deny it, we know you decided to have a little fun with the dead pet after reading our advice to Inger, but apparently you dind't read to far- we said it was only acceptable if the animal was already dead.  And then we called "your type" sick, and despicable, but I'm sure that isn't anything you haven't heard before. Anyway, bestiality queen, I analyzed and graphed your possible choices, and decided that telling the truth just requires too much effort, too many apologies, and in the end, too much money spent on buying consolation gifts for the neighbors. But you can't just let them think the dog is missing, because that'll make you feel guilty and if you're all about yourself like me, you'd avoid anything that might make you feel less than perfect. so here's the plan.  You'll need to think of another neighbor who you would really like to get revenge on.  Then, sneak out one night and put the corpse underneath the asshole's truck or whatever. when they back out the next morning, play a previously recorded yelping noise from the bushes REAL loud. Then, act like you were going out for a walk, shrink back in horror, and scream "MURDERER! MURDERER!" real, real loud.  If anyone notices that the dog was dead long ago, say you guess the asshole was just backing in and out of his driveway over the corpse over and over.  That way, the neighborhood will renounce them, and love you for always knowing that the neighbor you framed was a dick. I apologize for the language here, it just so happened that I had a little problem with my neighbor last night, so i killed another neighbor's dog and framed him for it, and i'm a little too jazzed.  Yeahhh that's right, it was me! AHAHAH! WHAT NOW, huh punk?? WHAT NOW??
I am cool.  This advice was not.  It used a lot of bad words though, i'll at least get some laughs from the preteens, right? RIGHT???

Aching Addict Asks for Aid

Dear Chris and Lisa,

As I write this I am shaking. So excuse any typos, I cant really read what I'm writing either cos my vision has gone all fuzzy. I just hope I send this to the right address and dont freak out some innocent stranger. Okay, now on with my problem. Okay, well I had this huge deal to get a whole case of it, but then I decided that sleeping with someone might be going a bit too far. Now I'm starting to wonder what I have to lose. I'm getting desperate. I haven't had any for almost a year now, I cant get it in this country but I managed to get some in Amsterdam last summer. It must be legal there or something. Anyway, I've been forced into rehab because I live in a damn country where they decided we didn't need it! You have to help me! I'll do anything! They'll try and stop me, but I can take them! I can take them all! Ahem. Yeah, so I was wondering if you could help me. I dont want to have to get my root beer fix from sucking root beer flavour jelly belly jelly beans forever.

from "Hmm, maybe I could swim the Atlantic?"

Dear "Hmm, maybe I could swim the Atlantic?",

     We've consulted our dictionaries and have been unable to discover proof of any countries in which root beer is illegal. So your problem then is just a problem of availability and not legality. This makes things easier, but unfortunately it also makes "wasting" cops unnecessary, because that would make legality an issue and we've already established that it is not an issue, and we want no more issues than are absolutely essential. Here's a solution to your problem involving as few issues as we could manage to keep things simple and to keep you from being confused. We know we just used the word 'issue' a lot, but that wasn't meant to confuse you. If we meant to confuse you, trust us, you'd know. So here's that solution:

     We'll provide you with the January '89 Martha Stewart Home Living magazine as well as the August '94 edition, which contain root beer recipes. We don't ask for much in return. Just some respect. Some appreciation. Some kind words. A lifetime supply of Kleenex. And $8.00 US plus $7.99 shipping and handling. If you act now, we'll include all ingredients listed in both recipes, mysterious unmarked pills, and even a complimentary bathtub to brew your root beer in! Let's go over our demands real quick, okay? And allow me to assure you we are not taking advantage of your addiction.

   1) Respect. This means you gotta be kissing our feet. Please don't kiss us anywhere else besides our feet, though, because your substance addiction may be contagious, as was the case with the rats we first injected with the root beer dependency serum we later injected you with while you were sleeping. So please, just kiss our feet.

   2) Appreciation. We are doing you a favor. We are helping you satisfy your need for root beer (which we are *not* responsible for) in an inexpensive way. As a sign of this appreciation, you must drop the unmarked pills in all your friends drinks, thus infecting them with the root beer craving virus that has already infested your own brain.

   3) Some kind words. You are required to write them on the bathtub, thus making it complimentary (according to our lawyers, this will allow us to charge you a fortune for the thing, legally).

   4) A lifetime supply of Kleenex. I'd say this is pretty much self-explanatory. No used Kleenex please. Also, no misused Kleenex. This just means don't go fishing through your brother's waste basket for them.

   5) $8.00 US plus $7.99 shipping and handling. Unmarked bills, please. Unmarked quarters, dimes, and pennies as well. Not that our business is at all shady or anything, and not that the mad scientist who developed the virus we mentioned earlier only deals in unmarked moneys due to his eccentricity.

     That is all. So just comply with this simple response to your advice question, and you'll be given your issues of Martha Stewart.
LEGAL NOTE: If you misuse tissues issues won't be issued. We only issue issues if you kiss shoes. Use the unmarked pills and pay in unmarked bills, because bathtub delivery guy doesn't mind killing for the thrilling feeling of fulfilling our willing. Yes, that *was* us trying to confuse you.

The Man who went "woo woo"

I saw Lisa's pic at that rate my bum de dum site... and it said DC... what are the hot spots downtown, i just started working here, and just moved over from LA (but i was born in VA) anyways.... i need some ADVICE. please help hris and lisa... and then lets club woo-hoo!

Justin McMillan

Dear Justin-

The "rate my bum de dum" site? eh? Yeah, i know that one.  Actually, okay I don't.  Anyway, me and hris will help you out.  unfortunately, we really don't go to the "hot spots" in town.  The reasons are we're kinda low on cash and also, we're don't like crowds.  But I will tell you some of your favorite places to go for a good time.

1. the parking lot on 9th and E street.  Okay, so sometimes there's this homeless guy named bob there. and if you give him a quarter, he'll tell you all about how there are these cool robots that will one day take over the world. He knows, because he was sent from the future.  He told me so.  Times with Bob get pretty crazy, woo woo!

2. Dupont Circle- if you scream "GAY PRIDE" you get free alcohol from every guy who hears.  I swear.  You'll get more if you scream "woo woo" after it.

3. My room.  Its like the #1 hang out for Chris and I.  But there's not much happening, just basically CNN on the TV, a box of cheerios, and gratuitous sex.

4.  Pangea Club- its the best club ever, because there's hardly anyone there and the security guards will drink with you even though they checked your ID and know that you're 18 and not 21.  And there's nice couches and places to lie down and stuff if you ever pass out from too much alcohol.  Or if you just really need to sleep. Sleep- woo woo!

5. The Park Bench Club- you sit on a bench and pretend to be drunk.  in the park.  chris and are the only members of the club...so far. Woo woo!

6. The Breakfast Club- woo woo.  What a movie. They did some clubbing in that movie! indeeed they did (didn't they?)!

So i hoped that helped:) 

E Me.  E Me Now.

how can i e a friend of lisa....???????

I'm not too hip on the "lingo" there friend.  E?  What could a single letter like "E" mean?  It could mean several things.  One of them, the most obvious, is ecstasy.  I can't believe you of all people would want to sell me ecstasy over the NET.  I thought you were my friend.  DO you know how potentially dangerous it is? I know, i know its all fun in a Rave but come on, don't try to E my friends just because you hooked me, you crackpimp.   I officially quit being one of your "women" by the way.  You'll have to find a new girl with the "innocent look".  

Or maybe you meant e-mail. if you did, i'm afraid you can't really email any of my friends because they don't want crackpimps trying to commission them for "f"-ing.

Bastard Bunny Bingers 

Those bastards got to me finally. I kept on running but they got me. So now i don't know what to do. They really got me this time, you know? So now I have to give them all the candy rabbits that i have. And I only have the red ones. And they keep demanding the green ones, and I don't know, it just all happened so suddenly. SO please send me some red candy rabbits. I will do anything, I promise, just keep the evil things away from me. I'll be forever grateful. I'll be your slave, I'll even kiss your feet. Just get them off my back..please.
O.

Dear O.,
Ohhh this happened to me last week.  So what i did, was i hit all the bastards with a stick, and then I ate all the candy rabbits myself.  Try that.  If that doesn't work, you could just stop hallucinating, which is always a good idea because it allows you to stop seeing things that scare you that are not real. such as candy rabbits and bastards.  This may require you to stop the crack.  Good luck to you.

Begging Bugs to Bug off

Dear C & L,

I have a serious problem...Insects. They're all out to get me! Nobody really understands-but they are out to get me.Ever since I was 5 and I stepped on that damn cricket. I hear them snickering behind my back! I see the way they look at me-with all of those beedy little eyes. Their plotting and scheming, I know-I can hear them. Nobody believes me. Is it just coincidence that a wasp's nest pops up at my house every 5-6 months...I think not! Is it just coincidence that bee's and fly's and butterfly's happen to fly right by me-barely missing my head! I think not! Their trying to decapitate me but I'm too quick for them. Hahaha. The ants and the rollie-polly's all try and follow me, I can't get away they're everywhere!! Sometimes I just get so mad I scream "leave me alone you stupid bugs" at the top of my lungs. People
will look at me strange, but I don't care! Nobody understands. It's all one big conspiracy. They have spy's. They're watching me even now as I write this. Sometimes I can't sleep at night, out of fear and anxiety. Sometimes it's even hard to go outside. I've tried wearing bug repelent...alas it has no effect. They just keep coming and coming! I don't know what to do? I don't know who to turn to? Please help!
Insects in Irvine

I pondered this problem very carefully, and I've come up with a logical answer.  You see, insects will identify and understand the feelings of fellow insects.  YOu don't really see bees swarming around harassing a fly, do you? I doubt it.  So then my plan is for you to act as a fellow insect, not a member of the mammal family (aka the arch rival of the insects).  So basically, you want to walk around flapping your hands, turn all food to liquid and suck it through a straw.  It would help if you went around rubbing your hands together and imitated the buzz sound.  Do something to make you stand out from all other types of insect.  Like hop around like a grasshopper and paint yourself green, but have a stinger and also pretend to fly, you know?  That'll scare em.  Basically if you act dangerous enough you'll scare the bugs away.  However the negative consequence is you will never have any friends.  Ever.  Convert to living in a cave, that way people won't try to put you in the mental hospital.  That way those annoying bugs won't ever follow you around again.  Of course you'll be living without plumbing and electricity, and civilization, but i think the trade off is worth it:).

Incestuous Idiot Interested In Intercourse

My mummy comes into my bedroom at night naked . and although she's quite hot she asks me if she can get into the missionary position and I don't know what that is ! please help!

Okay, you Alabama native, stop infesting my whole site with your incestuous problems.  Do you think i want to hear about how you are trying to work out the kinks of the sex life with you and your mother? For gods sakes, man, that's awful.  Don't have sex with mothers.  The last time you were inside them you were a fetus! That is not getting in touch with your roots, that's getting it on with them.  And that's really not what we promote here at the respectable random site of Chris and Lisa.  Please go back to your shack and stop stealing people's net access. I know your kind doesn't have net access.
PS- the "missionary" position is a position in which the woman is on the bottom and the man gets on top of her.  Its very low key and respectable sex, thus missionary. Hope that helps.

If you want this page to be like, funny and stuff? you have to submit stupid letters for us to respond to. So you could do that and it would be good:).  Thanks to everyone who has participated up til now, we'll be adding everyone's letters and questions to the site.  Look! We even added Elise's:).